I don't know how to help my friend

[Nelty]

Hi everyone,
My name is Leo and I'm French. I came here to ask for help/advice, because one of my friends (she is actually my ex-girlfriend) is harming herself. I am not physically with her, so I don't know how much and how often, I believe it's not a "lot" though. Nevertheless, she is going through a serious phase of depression and I don't know how to help her.

She told me a few weeks back that she was cutting. It was very difficult for her and I guess for me as well... It's been a terrible weigh on my shoulders since then because I care a lot about her. She told me not to worry about her, but I still do.
Since then I have been talking every day with her, by text and sometimes on the phone. She doesn't share much with me besides that she feels lonely and rejected by everyone. I don't one to be one more person to add to the "they-left-me"-list.
I thought this would be enough in some way, that I could help her. But clearly, by not seeing her in person, I cannot.

She has a tumblr page (I must be the only one to check it...) where she posts many images related to cutting, but also suicide, and this is why I am posting this message today, because I am really scared that she might do something. She forbid me to tell anyone, yet I want to really badly. What should I do?

Thank you very much. And for those who are undergoing something similar, hang in there, there will always be people caring about you.

PS: you might ask me for the causes of her trauma. I believe everything started after I broke up with her (the reason was that we could not physically see each other anymore and I didn't want to do long-distance). After we broke up, we had a fight and we didn't talk for a couple of months...

[Desuetude]

Honestly this is a really hard thing to deal with and from experience you really can't do a great deal without physically being there. However I can say that you should try to be understanding (which it sounds like you're doing a good job with) and just support her. Try to get her to open up to you but if she's not ready for that don't push it. If you can encourage her to tell someone that she sees often like a friend or someone trustworthy and reliable like a school counsellor, it might take time but hopefully she'll start to become more adapt with the idea that someone might be able to help.

The blog is an iffy one. I mean people use tumblr as an outlet for how they feel, in a way it can be as helpful as talking to someone as you're putting down all your feelings and getting them out of your mind. However it can also become a trigger, seeing the mentally harmful images and quotes, trying to find someone that will reach out to you. You don't know how she's using tumblr which is why this is such a hard one to deal with, like you're doing just keep an eye on the page and check for any self written posts. They're most likely going to tell you what's really going on.

I told my internet friend that I was suicidal last year when it got really bad and he ended up facebook messaging my best friend who really had no idea how to deal with the information. It made me resent him and really did no good at all. If you're going to tell someone then make sure it's someone that's willing to do something about it and help her, someone that's in for the long haul because hopefully having some support will take away from the fact that you 'betrayed' her.

Another idea is mention other methods she could do instead of self harming. Going to the gym, writing it down, drawing or painting, here are a list of them (http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?t=190748). I mean, if you're comfortable with it, maybe direct her to VT? She might find support here from people that understand what she's going through and maybe find it easier to open up?

Lastly, in no way should you blame yourself. I don't care if it started when you broke up, you shouldn't stay with her if you're unhappy and the long distance is a fair enough reason for a break up. You don't know about everything else that's happening in her life and it was her decision to start self harming even though there are other, less harmful, methods of coming with something like a break up. I know you care about her but feeling guilty isn't going to change the situation or help her at all so please don't blame yourself.

[Nelty]

Thank you for your very helpful answer.
My big question is this: how do I know how seriously she is thinking about suicide? How do I tell the difference between posting a picture about it and really wanting to do it?

When you told your friend, was it more like a call for help or did you really want to do it?

Because this is what will make me tell someone or not. I don't want to betray her, but I'd rather betray her than going to her funeral... I don't think she would do it, at least not now, but I don't want to gamble with her life. If I don't feel guilty about what's happened before, I definitely would for this.

And if I did tell someone, I'm guessing her family is one of the best options? I know she more or less told one of her friends and that friend left her alone... I'm guessing it would be different if I told her sister or her parents... but I don't know.

[pompeu]

I've always found depression is a bit like a current, or a sea. You can't let yourself be drowned by it. As someone who has depression and has gone through a phase of cutting and self-harm, I must say the most important thing is to focus on things and activities you like, in a way in which you can express yourself and cause no one any harm. Also, I believe professional help is important!! Has she been doing it for long now? Are her depressive thoughts more recurrent? If you are trully concerned, you should talk her into getting help - a psychologist or shrienk can do some great work and help!

[Nelty]

I think it's been 2-3 months since she started self harming.

I have asked her to tell her parents or see someone on her own, but she doesn't want to... which I can understand :/

[Charleigh]

Shit I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I understand that as she is still someone you care about, you would go to the ends oof the earth to help her right? Well I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you can't. No one can help her but herself, she has to be ready in her mind to stop; and it isn't your place to take the baggage she's carrying just to hold on your shoulders.
The best thing you can do for her right now, is let her know how much she does have. That what she's doing isn't wrong, however it isn't the right way to ease her pain. Reassure her, let her know that people love her, think of her and that she plays a special part in your life.
Just don't make her feel guilty about it, she's obviously feeling hurt about something and needs to let the pain out. All you can be, is what you are.

If you ever need anything you know where I am.
I hope you and her are okay.

[Desuetude]

Thank you for your very helpful answer.
My big question is this: how do I know how seriously she is thinking about suicide? How do I tell the difference between posting a picture about it and really wanting to do it?

When you told your friend, was it more like a call for help or did you really want to do it?

Because this is what will make me tell someone or not. I don't want to betray her, but I'd rather betray her than going to her funeral... I don't think she would do it, at least not now, but I don't want to gamble with her life. If I don't feel guilty about what's happened before, I definitely would for this.

And if I did tell someone, I'm guessing her family is one of the best options? I know she more or less told one of her friends and that friend left her alone... I'm guessing it would be different if I told her sister or her parents... but I don't know.

Honestly it's really hard to know whether she's actively suicidal or just having thoughts about it. I really don't think you could tell just from the pictures she reblogs, even when I wasn't at my lowest state of actually attempting I was still posting pictures that suggested that.

Honestly, at that particular time I only told him because I was in a different place and actually didn't have anything to self harm with me. You have to understand that self harm can actually be a form of surpressing suicidal thoughts and without the tools to harm myself I was becoming increasing suicidal and really didn't know what else to do. I'm not saying that because it might stop someone from attempting that it's okay to do, because self harm can become addictive and when it gets you in its clutches it's hell trying to escape again. It is however better than the alternative.

Family is a hard one. I honestly can't tell you what to do in this instance. My parents found out accidentally and I can only wish that it never happened. It's different for everybody, if she's close with her family and they all get along then telling them might be of some help but if you don't think they'll understand or they'll judge her instead of trying to understand then it's going to do more harm than good. If she has a close friend that you know of that she sees often then I suggest subtely telling them. Her sister might be a good bet too if she's old enough to understand the circumstances etc.

I still think that she might gain some perspective from being on VT, just seeing other people in her position and what they've been through. I mean when you're in a place where you believe no one cares it's nice to have people supporting you and encouraging you to find alternate ways out.