Celestial
July 26th, 2014, 05:15 AM
Okay, so I'm going to try to make this short, and hopefully it will work. Oh, who am I kidding anyways?
So, in the beginning of my 7th/end of the 6th grade I got myself a depression. I was so depressed by the cruelty humans show to each other to one another, and to the very world they live on, the fact that I was bullied back in elementary school didn't help me either. Apparently throwing shi* at kids, beating them up, making fun of them and basically destroying their lives was popular back then. Those are two of the many reasons that got me in the condition I was in.
Anyways, I completely lost my will to live. Had it not been for the fact that it would destroy the lives of those who are dearest to me, I would have killed myself without any second thoughts. I couldn't really be that selfish, could I? I really wanted to press a button that would erase my existence from this world. Make people forget I was born. Every second of being alive was like torture to me.
And then I felt that i had developed feelings for a certain girl in my class. I was lucky enough to have her around in my class every year in the last six years. I fell for both her looks and her personality. Around her things were better. I instantly felt a little better whenever she was around. And so I finally started talking to her, and apparently I grew to know her a little. I wanted to tell her that she is someone special to me, and that I had hoped that we could perhaps be together, but i just couldn't. I was afraid of rejection, afraid of the fact that maybe i wouldn't be able to live up to her expectations, that I may accidentally hurt her. But also, I didn't want her to see this pathetic side of mine. A depressed boyfriend without any real will to live would be no good after all, huh?
And so I chose to give it my best shot - I wanted to find my will to live again, so that I may finally fell like living again. For this single person I chose to completely change my entire life for the better. It was so fuck*ing hard. Hell, it still is. But I can finally see the effects. I gave up smoking a month ago, and while it's insanely hard not to smoke, I know the change is for the better.
And I'm finally starting to get up from that grave I've been in for the last three years.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you change your entire life in 7 months.
Over the course of those 7 months I started going out with friends (all of those, except my best friend, are female. Oh the irony.) and i grew even more fond of her. We text every day and go out together every once in a while. (Just the two of us, and in larger groups.)
Meanwhile, the fact that i like her (a lot) slipped out. Apparently it was quite obvious that i like her, although I can hardly comprehend how half of the fuck*** school came to know this.
During a certain school trip (That i did not go to) not too long ago, a certain asshole from my class told her, that I like her, and I want to be with her, so she immediately texted me saying that I'm pathetic and what I've done was completely childish.
For the first time in my entire life i felt like ripping someone to shreds. I was so incredibly angry, that if I were there I would've beat this asshole up so much he wouldn't be able to say anything anymore.
Your love interest telling you that you're pathetic for doing something you didn't do doesn't exactly build up confidence. Of course, I explained to her that it wasn't me and this asshole was just joking, but I don't think she believed me. In the eyes of all my female "friends" over the course of a single day I turned from being an apparently friendly guy to an utter idiot without balls.
I was so fucking angry that I couldn't sleep, or eat for three days, but by the time the school trip ended, that anger was already gone.
I think she forgot about it (or chose to overlook this), and things quickly got back to normal. We started texting each other and going out again.
And I finally feel like telling her again. But I don't know how. Because of that depression I turned out to be a really shy guy, and I never had a girlfriend, and so I don't have any experience with this stuff, while she had 3 boyfriends in the course of those 2 years. That school trip incident doesn't help me either. I really don't know what to do anymore, and I could use some help.
Oh, and we're both 15 by the way.
So, in the beginning of my 7th/end of the 6th grade I got myself a depression. I was so depressed by the cruelty humans show to each other to one another, and to the very world they live on, the fact that I was bullied back in elementary school didn't help me either. Apparently throwing shi* at kids, beating them up, making fun of them and basically destroying their lives was popular back then. Those are two of the many reasons that got me in the condition I was in.
Anyways, I completely lost my will to live. Had it not been for the fact that it would destroy the lives of those who are dearest to me, I would have killed myself without any second thoughts. I couldn't really be that selfish, could I? I really wanted to press a button that would erase my existence from this world. Make people forget I was born. Every second of being alive was like torture to me.
And then I felt that i had developed feelings for a certain girl in my class. I was lucky enough to have her around in my class every year in the last six years. I fell for both her looks and her personality. Around her things were better. I instantly felt a little better whenever she was around. And so I finally started talking to her, and apparently I grew to know her a little. I wanted to tell her that she is someone special to me, and that I had hoped that we could perhaps be together, but i just couldn't. I was afraid of rejection, afraid of the fact that maybe i wouldn't be able to live up to her expectations, that I may accidentally hurt her. But also, I didn't want her to see this pathetic side of mine. A depressed boyfriend without any real will to live would be no good after all, huh?
And so I chose to give it my best shot - I wanted to find my will to live again, so that I may finally fell like living again. For this single person I chose to completely change my entire life for the better. It was so fuck*ing hard. Hell, it still is. But I can finally see the effects. I gave up smoking a month ago, and while it's insanely hard not to smoke, I know the change is for the better.
And I'm finally starting to get up from that grave I've been in for the last three years.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you change your entire life in 7 months.
Over the course of those 7 months I started going out with friends (all of those, except my best friend, are female. Oh the irony.) and i grew even more fond of her. We text every day and go out together every once in a while. (Just the two of us, and in larger groups.)
Meanwhile, the fact that i like her (a lot) slipped out. Apparently it was quite obvious that i like her, although I can hardly comprehend how half of the fuck*** school came to know this.
During a certain school trip (That i did not go to) not too long ago, a certain asshole from my class told her, that I like her, and I want to be with her, so she immediately texted me saying that I'm pathetic and what I've done was completely childish.
For the first time in my entire life i felt like ripping someone to shreds. I was so incredibly angry, that if I were there I would've beat this asshole up so much he wouldn't be able to say anything anymore.
Your love interest telling you that you're pathetic for doing something you didn't do doesn't exactly build up confidence. Of course, I explained to her that it wasn't me and this asshole was just joking, but I don't think she believed me. In the eyes of all my female "friends" over the course of a single day I turned from being an apparently friendly guy to an utter idiot without balls.
I was so fucking angry that I couldn't sleep, or eat for three days, but by the time the school trip ended, that anger was already gone.
I think she forgot about it (or chose to overlook this), and things quickly got back to normal. We started texting each other and going out again.
And I finally feel like telling her again. But I don't know how. Because of that depression I turned out to be a really shy guy, and I never had a girlfriend, and so I don't have any experience with this stuff, while she had 3 boyfriends in the course of those 2 years. That school trip incident doesn't help me either. I really don't know what to do anymore, and I could use some help.
Oh, and we're both 15 by the way.