Very uncomfortable with others - advice wanted!

[Hufty]

Long story up ahead, but if you could take the time to read it I would be grateful. So basically I find that I have a very hard time being open about puberty and everything that it entails (masturbation etc.) with other guys, as well as my having people see me in a sexual way. A few years ago I was involved in a very unhealthy, manipulative friendship with a guy who had feelings for me and wasn't shy about sharing them, no matter how much I protested. It became worse over a period of two years until it escalated into sexual harassment. When he eventually effectively sexually assaulted another friend, I cut it off. Now, let it be said that I am gay, but those few years left me with more confusion than I care to admit. Another result of this was what seems to be a feeling of (I don't really know how to put this) anti-exhibitionism? It isn't that I am self-conscious or not confident enough, but I get quite anxious and nervous when I know that other people are seeing me in a sexual way. This includes talking "guy talk" with other guys - during a game, almost everyone admitted that they masturbate, but I just couldn't bring myself to. And when it was forced out of me, my heart was pounding and I was quite nervous. Again, it wasn't shame, but another feeling that I suspect has to do with that damaging friendship. I'm worried that future sexual relationships will be damaged, and I sometimes reassure myself that it was only sexual harassment and wasn't harmful but I feel like it was? People do know, but no one seems to take it seriously. I would love some advice. Feel free to ask questions.

[jelly3000]

Our previous experiences define who we are today - not who we will be tomorrow. So something bad happened to you a couple of years ago. You have made the first step by admitting that you may have a problem. It's a strange thing to say, but all people have different limits to talking to other people about anything sexual or about emotions (specifically us males). So, you will probably get better the more you talk about this. I doubt that it will affect your relationships long term, but just take my words with a grain of salt.

So, what could you do to help improve the problem?? Well, I guess speaking on this forum is a good start. Once you become more comfortable speaking on this forum, then move onto speaking about basic things with just one person at a time and move on from there. It's a long road, but it's amazing how taking little steps makes a big difference over time. I'm not longer as sensitive about talking about sexual things once I learnt to get rid of my hang up.... I hope this helps and I know other people will probably have other things to say.

[Hufty]

"Our previous experiences define who we are today - not who we will be tomorrow. So something bad happened to you a couple of years ago. You have made the first step by admitting that you may have a problem. It's a strange thing to say, but all people have different limits to talking to other people about anything sexual or about emotions (specifically us males). So, you will probably get better the more you talk about this. I doubt that it will affect your relationships long term, but just take my words with a grain of salt.

So, what could you do to help improve the problem?? Well, I guess speaking on this forum is a good start. Once you become more comfortable speaking on this forum, then move onto speaking about basic things with just one person at a time and move on from there. It's a long road, but it's amazing how taking little steps makes a big difference over time. I'm not longer as sensitive about talking about sexual things once I learnt to get rid of my hang up.... I hope this helps and I know other people will probably have other things to say."

Thanks man, that really meant a lot to me to hear that. I'll try to remember your advice and follow it the best I can. You're correct- it's no use to worry about things that are now out of my control. And desensitizing myself seems like a good thing to try. It's my first time on this forum, glad to know that there are good, helpful people here.

[pjones]

jelly3000 gave you some great advice. also remember that if something bothers you, it's real, no matter what anyone else thinks of the situation. and don't be afraid to deal with it in the way that is best for you.

[xTropicDomx]

Long story up ahead, but if you could take the time to read it I would be grateful. So basically I find that I have a very hard time being open about puberty and everything that it entails (masturbation etc.) with other guys, as well as my having people see me in a sexual way. A few years ago I was involved in a very unhealthy, manipulative friendship with a guy who had feelings for me and wasn't shy about sharing them, no matter how much I protested. It became worse over a period of two years until it escalated into sexual harassment. When he eventually effectively sexually assaulted another friend, I cut it off. Now, let it be said that I am gay, but those few years left me with more confusion than I care to admit. Another result of this was what seems to be a feeling of (I don't really know how to put this) anti-exhibitionism? It isn't that I am self-conscious or not confident enough, but I get quite anxious and nervous when I know that other people are seeing me in a sexual way. This includes talking "guy talk" with other guys - during a game, almost everyone admitted that they masturbate, but I just couldn't bring myself to. And when it was forced out of me, my heart was pounding and I was quite nervous. Again, it wasn't shame, but another feeling that I suspect has to do with that damaging friendship. I'm worried that future sexual relationships will be damaged, and I sometimes reassure myself that it was only sexual harassment and wasn't harmful but I feel like it was? People do know, but no one seems to take it seriously. I would love some advice. Feel free to ask questions.


I think a lot of this, sort of, "anti-exhibitionism" is from the sexual encounters you had with your acquaintance before. I think in the back of your head there's this little voice that is saying "remember what happened.. it could happen to you" and it's preventing you from being able to talk about sexual things openly just because of that little fear.

This is only my opinion though.

[joel-d]

I think that Jelly3000 gave a really good answer, and I can't add much to that.

It's really messed up that your past friend harassed you and assaulted your other friend. It's really good that you had the strength and wisdom to cut things off with him after that.

I hope that you're able to find other friends now who you can truly trust and become comfortable opening up with. For me, the close friends who I'm able to have open conversations with, including about sexual topics, have helped me become much more comfortable with all of the things that otherwise would be stuck inside my head and make me worry that I was really weird. When you can't talk about things with other people, it's easy to think that you're having weird thoughts and doing weird things that no one else would. But when you have other friends who are open talking about things, none of it seems so strange. It's surprisingly freeing to find out that your other "normal" friends are just as horny as you, get just as many random boners during the day, masturbate a LOT, etc.

I hope you're able to find some true friends who you can feel comfortable being open with, and that the memories about the bad friend in your past will fade and be replaced with better memories of times with your newer friends.

[Semi_IronMan]

You're scared abwt wht happnd to u previously.

Realy feel for u, dnt knw why bt i'm tearn up