Sonder
July 25th, 2014, 02:44 AM
I'm sorry if this is too long. I just feel overwhelmed with various problems right now.
1. Everyone likes me but I really don't understand why. I do know that I'm very amiable, and conscientious, and polite. I just feel like those are superficial qualities, though. I feel like a super charming personality is all I have going for me. When it all boils down to it I'm not all that kind, or compassionate, or generous. I'm a really selfish person. I hate that about myself, and I try to not be, but it's hard. I put myself first without even realizing it. This affects my relationships with others. Selfishness is my worst and most destructive flaw.
2. Recently my mother gave me an ultimatum about how selfish I am and how I don't help her enough and how I've been making her life miserable because she sacrifices for me but doesn't get hardly anything back in return. I don't know what to do. I literally feel like a parasite. I thought I was a pretty low-maintenance person (all I ever ask for is snacks, literally). I do try to keep my room and bathroom clean. But there must be a heck of a lot more that I can and need to be doing for my mother to flip off on me like that.
3. I feel emotionally disconnected from other people. It disturbs me. Here lately it's gotten to the point where I feel like I don't truly love anyone. There are people that I care very much about (my mother, my extended family, my best friend) but when I tell them I love them I feel like my words are empty. Like I'm not doing anything to actually show love towards them. Again comes the parasite feeling. They give me their love. If I can't give them love back then I am just leeching off of them. I want to be a better person and show love and appreciation back.
I feel like there is something wrong with me but I don't know what. The disconnection that I feel from others is odd. I feel emotionally overwhelmed. I just feel different from others. I think that I have Asperger's but I don't know for sure. Autism is on my father's side of the family. I don't know if Asperger's is what is causing these strong feelings of isolation, or if it is the reason why I can't express my thoughts or feelings. But even if I do have it, that's no excuse for me being a selfish dickwad.
1. Everyone likes me but I really don't understand why. I do know that I'm very amiable, and conscientious, and polite. I just feel like those are superficial qualities, though. I feel like a super charming personality is all I have going for me. When it all boils down to it I'm not all that kind, or compassionate, or generous. I'm a really selfish person. I hate that about myself, and I try to not be, but it's hard. I put myself first without even realizing it. This affects my relationships with others. Selfishness is my worst and most destructive flaw.
2. Recently my mother gave me an ultimatum about how selfish I am and how I don't help her enough and how I've been making her life miserable because she sacrifices for me but doesn't get hardly anything back in return. I don't know what to do. I literally feel like a parasite. I thought I was a pretty low-maintenance person (all I ever ask for is snacks, literally). I do try to keep my room and bathroom clean. But there must be a heck of a lot more that I can and need to be doing for my mother to flip off on me like that.
3. I feel emotionally disconnected from other people. It disturbs me. Here lately it's gotten to the point where I feel like I don't truly love anyone. There are people that I care very much about (my mother, my extended family, my best friend) but when I tell them I love them I feel like my words are empty. Like I'm not doing anything to actually show love towards them. Again comes the parasite feeling. They give me their love. If I can't give them love back then I am just leeching off of them. I want to be a better person and show love and appreciation back.
I feel like there is something wrong with me but I don't know what. The disconnection that I feel from others is odd. I feel emotionally overwhelmed. I just feel different from others. I think that I have Asperger's but I don't know for sure. Autism is on my father's side of the family. I don't know if Asperger's is what is causing these strong feelings of isolation, or if it is the reason why I can't express my thoughts or feelings. But even if I do have it, that's no excuse for me being a selfish dickwad.