TheRedViper
July 22nd, 2014, 08:07 AM
I've always been a rather introverted person (around people that I'm not close with), so me being a quiet and controlled person often gets people thinking I'm upset, but it's often not the case. Now, however, I do think I'm feeling too negative and unhappy about pretty much everything, and it's really annoying me. The way I'm thinking and behaving makes me think I've got some kind of anti-social condition.
These past few weeks have been especially bad for me; I finally got a part-time job at a local fast-food place, but I soon realised that I was being paid way below what I should be for my age, and that the owner of the place didn't particularly like or trust me. During my training he politely asked me at the end if I really thought I should be working there; I got the hint and promptly thanked him for the opportunity and quit, so now I'm basically back at square-one; no job.
I've also developed some kind of strong dislike and frustration at the people around me, and most of these are my friends. I feel like I'm not valued or even really cared about among this group. I just hang around them and join in with the conversations. We're all friendly, but I don't feel any kind of stronger connection to them. I have three 'best' friends, but none of them are what I'd consider 'best' anymore. One of them has been gone on holiday for a month and made no attempt to keep in contact with me; another is changing who he is as a person in an attempt to fit in with another group of people; and the final one is a girl that I used to think was close to me, but I now realise she probably didn't give a single shit about me, and she's left my school now.
I also feel so socially 'inferior' to everyone around me. Nearly all of my friends have girlfriend's, and those that don't at least have girls that they are close with. I used to have the latter but realise I now don't. I'm 17 and have never had a girlfriend, and fear that I won't any time soon, since there are no girls at my school I like, or vice versa. I've found I've become very petty and jealous, which is very much out-of-character for me. One of my 'best' friends very recently got a girlfriend for the first time, and instead of being happy for him or anything like that, I deliberately ignored and avoided even mentioning it to him, and I've become incredibly jealous and spiteful towards him now, even though I know he's done nothing to deserve that.
Another friend of mine, a girl I used to be close with and had a crush on for a while also got a new boyfriend.... a week after I asked her out and she said no because "I'm not ready for another relationship now." I now realise she was probably just trying to spare my feelings, but that is no consolation. The very thought of some random dumb guy with her just infuriates me, even though I know it's petty behaviour. I now can't help but act cold and uncaring towards her. I guess another reason for that is that I realise she probably never even cared for me at all, whereas I cared for her a lot, even just as friends. My happiest memories of recent have been me being with her, but now those memories are tainted because of how spiteful and cold I feel towards her.
Sorry for the huge rant. I know I'm acting really petty and spiteful and rude, but I can't help it. I don't want to act this way, but I can't help it. I feel so inferior and unworthy compared to everyone else who lives normal lives of relationships and jobs. I'm just some random failure of a person who lurks about every day, waiting for the next day, which is no damn different.
(Okay I guess I don't really have a question, I just wanted to vent all this somewhere. Apologies if this whole post seems pointless).
These past few weeks have been especially bad for me; I finally got a part-time job at a local fast-food place, but I soon realised that I was being paid way below what I should be for my age, and that the owner of the place didn't particularly like or trust me. During my training he politely asked me at the end if I really thought I should be working there; I got the hint and promptly thanked him for the opportunity and quit, so now I'm basically back at square-one; no job.
I've also developed some kind of strong dislike and frustration at the people around me, and most of these are my friends. I feel like I'm not valued or even really cared about among this group. I just hang around them and join in with the conversations. We're all friendly, but I don't feel any kind of stronger connection to them. I have three 'best' friends, but none of them are what I'd consider 'best' anymore. One of them has been gone on holiday for a month and made no attempt to keep in contact with me; another is changing who he is as a person in an attempt to fit in with another group of people; and the final one is a girl that I used to think was close to me, but I now realise she probably didn't give a single shit about me, and she's left my school now.
I also feel so socially 'inferior' to everyone around me. Nearly all of my friends have girlfriend's, and those that don't at least have girls that they are close with. I used to have the latter but realise I now don't. I'm 17 and have never had a girlfriend, and fear that I won't any time soon, since there are no girls at my school I like, or vice versa. I've found I've become very petty and jealous, which is very much out-of-character for me. One of my 'best' friends very recently got a girlfriend for the first time, and instead of being happy for him or anything like that, I deliberately ignored and avoided even mentioning it to him, and I've become incredibly jealous and spiteful towards him now, even though I know he's done nothing to deserve that.
Another friend of mine, a girl I used to be close with and had a crush on for a while also got a new boyfriend.... a week after I asked her out and she said no because "I'm not ready for another relationship now." I now realise she was probably just trying to spare my feelings, but that is no consolation. The very thought of some random dumb guy with her just infuriates me, even though I know it's petty behaviour. I now can't help but act cold and uncaring towards her. I guess another reason for that is that I realise she probably never even cared for me at all, whereas I cared for her a lot, even just as friends. My happiest memories of recent have been me being with her, but now those memories are tainted because of how spiteful and cold I feel towards her.
Sorry for the huge rant. I know I'm acting really petty and spiteful and rude, but I can't help it. I don't want to act this way, but I can't help it. I feel so inferior and unworthy compared to everyone else who lives normal lives of relationships and jobs. I'm just some random failure of a person who lurks about every day, waiting for the next day, which is no damn different.
(Okay I guess I don't really have a question, I just wanted to vent all this somewhere. Apologies if this whole post seems pointless).