OrKing
July 22nd, 2014, 06:53 AM
To have P.T.S.D but never officially know it?
First some (probably a lot of) background, because obviously anyone who knows anything is going to need it to make a judgement.
So, I had a violent childhood. I was never abused exactly, or at least I never really saw myself as being that but it was a very violent home. My dad was violent, a criminal (mostly how dues were paid) and spent the majority of his/our money at the pub. Due to having to take care of three sons who were definitely not well behaved as well as my severely disabled little sister and my then prick of a dad my mum was never in the best shape mentally, so she just couldn't take care of or raise us as well as she otherwise could/maybe should have. I don't blame her for that. So, all that lead to my dad coming home every other night drunk and angry, him and my mum getting into arguments and him smashing up the entire house in a drunken rage and yelling abuse and threats and such. I was more often than not in the room when this went down. I remember having panic attacks and being yelled at to shut up. That was before my mum knew that I was having panic attacks, before (when I was told to shut up) my mum just thought it was a stupid noise I was making due to crying so hard, and not me having trouble breathing.
Anyway, that went on until I was about eight I think, which is when they split up after a particularly bad night. Basically my dad came home, ended up in a rage and went on his routine. It must have been worse for some reason though because it led to him getting a kitchen knife from the kitchen (duh) and threatening to stab himself through the chest. It was pretty dramatic from what I remember, he was going through the motions and actually placing the blade to his chest and all sorts. I remember him screaming something or other and my mum screaming "Not in front of the kids Sherry!" Let's just call him sherry to lighten the mood a bit. :P
Anyway, I read that terror, helplessness and the threat of someone's death can cause P.T.S.D, so if I have or had it the above would probably be the reason for it. So, my question is would that do it? I've never been to any doctor for anything more than dentistry really so I just don't know. I don't have many memories from my childhood.
I also seem to have most of the symptoms, most notably hyper-vigilance. I've always found it very hard to relax and I'm nearly always scanning faces and my environment, even in my home. To this day when I go out with my music player I only wear one headphone. I love the music, but I can't stand not being able to hear what's going on around me. With that and a life long difficulty with sleep (I don't have insomnia), being plagued with empathy on the majority of things (not the emotions of others although feeling numb quite often) and I've always had difficulty concentrating despite being of at least average intelligence. Throughout school I was like a hyperactive fucking Jesse Pinkman until the last year or two when I was silent and depressed.
Basically I just want opinions. Could I have had it? Could I still have it? This is kind of important to me for what I assume are obvious reasons. Anyway, sorry for the long freaking read. I really don't want to ask my mum about this stuff, though I think I need to at some point. Those days hurt her as much as they hurt me and I really don't want to bring up something that will undoubtedly hurt as much as "Mum, is it possible I have P.T.S.D?" unless 1000% necessary.
Thanks for reading.
There isn't a T.L.D.R for this, I feel it's a little too complicated, sorry.
First some (probably a lot of) background, because obviously anyone who knows anything is going to need it to make a judgement.
So, I had a violent childhood. I was never abused exactly, or at least I never really saw myself as being that but it was a very violent home. My dad was violent, a criminal (mostly how dues were paid) and spent the majority of his/our money at the pub. Due to having to take care of three sons who were definitely not well behaved as well as my severely disabled little sister and my then prick of a dad my mum was never in the best shape mentally, so she just couldn't take care of or raise us as well as she otherwise could/maybe should have. I don't blame her for that. So, all that lead to my dad coming home every other night drunk and angry, him and my mum getting into arguments and him smashing up the entire house in a drunken rage and yelling abuse and threats and such. I was more often than not in the room when this went down. I remember having panic attacks and being yelled at to shut up. That was before my mum knew that I was having panic attacks, before (when I was told to shut up) my mum just thought it was a stupid noise I was making due to crying so hard, and not me having trouble breathing.
Anyway, that went on until I was about eight I think, which is when they split up after a particularly bad night. Basically my dad came home, ended up in a rage and went on his routine. It must have been worse for some reason though because it led to him getting a kitchen knife from the kitchen (duh) and threatening to stab himself through the chest. It was pretty dramatic from what I remember, he was going through the motions and actually placing the blade to his chest and all sorts. I remember him screaming something or other and my mum screaming "Not in front of the kids Sherry!" Let's just call him sherry to lighten the mood a bit. :P
Anyway, I read that terror, helplessness and the threat of someone's death can cause P.T.S.D, so if I have or had it the above would probably be the reason for it. So, my question is would that do it? I've never been to any doctor for anything more than dentistry really so I just don't know. I don't have many memories from my childhood.
I also seem to have most of the symptoms, most notably hyper-vigilance. I've always found it very hard to relax and I'm nearly always scanning faces and my environment, even in my home. To this day when I go out with my music player I only wear one headphone. I love the music, but I can't stand not being able to hear what's going on around me. With that and a life long difficulty with sleep (I don't have insomnia), being plagued with empathy on the majority of things (not the emotions of others although feeling numb quite often) and I've always had difficulty concentrating despite being of at least average intelligence. Throughout school I was like a hyperactive fucking Jesse Pinkman until the last year or two when I was silent and depressed.
Basically I just want opinions. Could I have had it? Could I still have it? This is kind of important to me for what I assume are obvious reasons. Anyway, sorry for the long freaking read. I really don't want to ask my mum about this stuff, though I think I need to at some point. Those days hurt her as much as they hurt me and I really don't want to bring up something that will undoubtedly hurt as much as "Mum, is it possible I have P.T.S.D?" unless 1000% necessary.
Thanks for reading.
There isn't a T.L.D.R for this, I feel it's a little too complicated, sorry.