I love to hurt myself

[CharlieHorse]

I've been doing this for a few years. Sometimes late at night when I'm alone with my thoughts, I start to feel depressed for one of a few reasons usually involving me failing school/life and never finding a girl. I beat myself up, and make myself cry, and I love it. It feels like a drug, because I know it damages my self esteem and hurts my mind, but it feels real. It feels like I'm finally letting out pain from somewhere, except I make my own pain somehow. It makes me feel numb afterwards, calm, and I can finally sleep and not hear my own thoughts going everywhere.

I found this through some searching, which perfectly describes it:

"I frequently feel the need to force myself to feel emotional pain by imagining a distressing situation (e.g., imagining a painful breakup, imagining my last words when I die, etc.). I am not normally ‘satisfied’ until I cry uncontrollably to the point where I feel physical chest pains and fall asleep. I usually feel better once I wake up. What’s wrong with me?"

I'm worried that I've permanently damaged myself from doing this hundreds of times over the years. I've only made myself worse. I want to die sometimes.

So I guess I have a few questions:
Has anyone else felt this way or done this?
And
What the hell is wrong with me?
What should I do? I don't even know if I want to change because this is how I have become. It's who I am.

[Miserabilia]

Hi there :)
Everything you said pretty much sounds like self harm as I know it (and sadly practice it).
What you do is you may beat yourself up or find some other way to self harm; this is what most people do by cutting. And sadly I do too.
Finding a real pain to distract from mental pain is soothing and afterwards comes a calm and a rush which makes it more addictive, though I'm not sure how the addiction works physicaly, but it's there.

Has anyone else felt this way or done this? I and most people in the cutting and self harm forum.
And
What the hell is wrong with me? I'm not a psychologist but most people self harm to sooth or stop anxiety
What should I do? I don't even know if I want to change because this is how I have become. It's who I am. I don't know because I fail misaerable to stop everytime, but there are lots of tips on how to do it

hope that helped /:

[CharlieHorse]

Hi there :)
Everything you said pretty much sounds like self harm as I know it (and sadly practice it).
What you do is you may beat yourself up or find some other way to self harm; this is what most people do by cutting. And sadly I do too.
Finding a real pain to distract from mental pain is soothing and afterwards comes a calm and a rush which makes it more addictive, though I'm not sure how the addiction works physicaly, but it's there.

Has anyone else felt this way or done this? I and most people in the cutting and self harm forum.
And
What the hell is wrong with me? I'm not a psychologist but most people self harm to sooth or stop anxiety
What should I do? I don't even know if I want to change because this is how I have become. It's who I am. I don't know because I fail misaerable to stop everytime, but there are lots of tips on how to do it

hope that helped /:

It's just that I've tried physical self harm and it only freaked me out, so I don't like it... :(

[Miserabilia]

It's just that I've tried physical self harm and it only freaked me out, so I don't like it... :(

Well mental self harm is still self harm and it often transitions into the other, but ofcourse it's different for everyone. It sounds like you're really having stress and anciety and for alot of people there are some dark ways to cope, I guess.

[CharlieHorse]

Well mental self harm is still self harm and it often transitions into the other, but ofcourse it's different for everyone. It sounds like you're really having stress and anciety and for alot of people there are some dark ways to cope, I guess.

I guess it is a way to cope. Letting it all out feels great. But sometimes it takes a little bit of negative thinking to get it to start.
I'm just scared that i've permanently screwed up my mind and now i'll feel pain like this forever.
I think I'm going to show this to my therapist. Maybe she could help.

[aly_meow]

hey hun c:
i know how you feel. i constantly beat myself over not being the prettiest or the skinniest girl but harming yourself doesn't solve anything. I've been self harming since
6th grade. I'm now a sophomore in high school & nothing has changed. please try & stop. feel free to message me anytime if you ever need someone c:

[CharlieHorse]

An update.
It's been a couple weeks since I last did this. I'm on a drug that makes me less depressed I guess, and more focused.
But I long to do it again. I want to feel the pain again.