Lovelife090994
July 19th, 2014, 11:55 PM
I feel heartless.
If you must know, I'm 19 and about to start college even though I don't want to. I really hate optimism and positivity, I always did because it's all a lie. A lie I'd love killing. There is nothing to love in me other than the demons and darkness I'd love to delve into more. Goals don't work for me. Despite what you say try to do I've tried and nothing has helped. I'm through trying to be happy. I do want to die but since I haven't yet, that doesn't mean I can't work to make the world a bitter place, it already is so maybe I'm just adding to it. I used to like you just a few years back, then everything hit me like a brick. I'm done being happy, loneliness and invisibility suits me. I'd rather be alone and miserable than with someone and happy. I've always been alone, I will always be alone, and I really want everyone to keep their distance. If you don't want to get hurt then don't greet me. I hate the world starting with myself. You don't even realize how angry and sad yet intrigued I am do you? No matter. The day I feel a smirk is the day my heart tries to mend. Still waiting, it hasn't happened yet. If I sound scary to you, good. I'm doing it right then. Old me is gone starting now. All those words of how things get better are nothing to me now. Honestly I could care less what you think of me now. I think I've convinced you. I hate helping people now and love hurting them. It's the only thing I can do. I'm on my way to becoming emotionless and it's happening now. Let me crack. I need to. Oh and, you probably shouldn't listen to those positive comments, they only hurt you in the end. Haha.
I have a lot on my mind, but fair warning this may scare you. I'm normally described as kind, sensitive, sweet, empathetic, and altruistic. Lately I feel hateful and want to stay alone for a very long time. I hate optimism since nothing ever gets better. I want to kill myself everyday even though I'm 19 and supposedly off to college. I hate the world and most people and things. I don't feel I have a heart anymore. I am becoming emotionless. I am already worthless and I don't care what people say anymore. I can be a cold insensitive jerk and bitch and honeestly I kind of am starting to like feeling and dishing out psychological pain. It's funny really, I have two people in my head, hahaha. The kind old needy me, and this new dark, unforgiving man who never stops taking control. I hate hope now and all love. Love and happiness may be possible to some but to me it is impossible. I can't stand how confused I still am. I never speak and usually can't. I hate being cheered up. Obviously I'm depressed, suicidal-in-thoughts, psychopathic, apathetic, blunt, and a sociopath even if my personality clashes all aforementioned. I don't care anymore about anything. Everything about me is worthless. I hate everything now. Don't cheer me up, I give up. I won't kill myself tonight or ever maybe. I want to just stay alone while my heart goes black. That won't take long. I used to love optimism, now I hate it like everything else. I don't even think I love my faith or talents. I am always stuck and being forced to do things I do not want to do. I am saying what I feel. I feel insane and I want to scream and be hurt. I'm already broken so I can't possibly be broken any more so than I am. Good luck if you want to reply. I already feel hopeless and like a lost cause. No one can or should love or help me. Nothing gets better, and I just want to remember pain where love once was. I snapped and will continue to fall further into madness. I have darkness in me and I like it. Maybe I am as bad as the bullies said I was after all. I want. To feel alone, I want to be invisible, I hate life. No use changing that at all. A tiny part of me wants help and wants to think things wwill get better, but I doubt it and hate that too. There's no use for me.
If you must know, I'm 19 and about to start college even though I don't want to. I really hate optimism and positivity, I always did because it's all a lie. A lie I'd love killing. There is nothing to love in me other than the demons and darkness I'd love to delve into more. Goals don't work for me. Despite what you say try to do I've tried and nothing has helped. I'm through trying to be happy. I do want to die but since I haven't yet, that doesn't mean I can't work to make the world a bitter place, it already is so maybe I'm just adding to it. I used to like you just a few years back, then everything hit me like a brick. I'm done being happy, loneliness and invisibility suits me. I'd rather be alone and miserable than with someone and happy. I've always been alone, I will always be alone, and I really want everyone to keep their distance. If you don't want to get hurt then don't greet me. I hate the world starting with myself. You don't even realize how angry and sad yet intrigued I am do you? No matter. The day I feel a smirk is the day my heart tries to mend. Still waiting, it hasn't happened yet. If I sound scary to you, good. I'm doing it right then. Old me is gone starting now. All those words of how things get better are nothing to me now. Honestly I could care less what you think of me now. I think I've convinced you. I hate helping people now and love hurting them. It's the only thing I can do. I'm on my way to becoming emotionless and it's happening now. Let me crack. I need to. Oh and, you probably shouldn't listen to those positive comments, they only hurt you in the end. Haha.
I have a lot on my mind, but fair warning this may scare you. I'm normally described as kind, sensitive, sweet, empathetic, and altruistic. Lately I feel hateful and want to stay alone for a very long time. I hate optimism since nothing ever gets better. I want to kill myself everyday even though I'm 19 and supposedly off to college. I hate the world and most people and things. I don't feel I have a heart anymore. I am becoming emotionless. I am already worthless and I don't care what people say anymore. I can be a cold insensitive jerk and bitch and honeestly I kind of am starting to like feeling and dishing out psychological pain. It's funny really, I have two people in my head, hahaha. The kind old needy me, and this new dark, unforgiving man who never stops taking control. I hate hope now and all love. Love and happiness may be possible to some but to me it is impossible. I can't stand how confused I still am. I never speak and usually can't. I hate being cheered up. Obviously I'm depressed, suicidal-in-thoughts, psychopathic, apathetic, blunt, and a sociopath even if my personality clashes all aforementioned. I don't care anymore about anything. Everything about me is worthless. I hate everything now. Don't cheer me up, I give up. I won't kill myself tonight or ever maybe. I want to just stay alone while my heart goes black. That won't take long. I used to love optimism, now I hate it like everything else. I don't even think I love my faith or talents. I am always stuck and being forced to do things I do not want to do. I am saying what I feel. I feel insane and I want to scream and be hurt. I'm already broken so I can't possibly be broken any more so than I am. Good luck if you want to reply. I already feel hopeless and like a lost cause. No one can or should love or help me. Nothing gets better, and I just want to remember pain where love once was. I snapped and will continue to fall further into madness. I have darkness in me and I like it. Maybe I am as bad as the bullies said I was after all. I want. To feel alone, I want to be invisible, I hate life. No use changing that at all. A tiny part of me wants help and wants to think things wwill get better, but I doubt it and hate that too. There's no use for me.