Hurt and despair.

[Lovelife090994]

Lately, I'm constantly shifting between two "me" personalities. Most days I'm this shy, hurt, gentle, judgeless, and emotional, empathetic person. I feel things most can't understand, I usually feel others as well as myself. What's worse, with a busy mind like mine I often am in high states of creativity which few see. I can be very nice and also oversensitive. People rarely understand how it feels to be so sensitive all of the time, and more fail to see the pain caused by simple things like "toughen up, man-up, you're too sensitive, why are you so nice?" But it happens. I have a dark side though. Sometimes I can be a huge bitch out of no where with little to no recollection on it. I go from empathetic to down right apathetic. I lose all sense of heart and use my words like little knives to cut into people's hearts. I know I have many problems, so this is a reason why I'm better off alone. I don't mean to be too much of either side of me, but it happens. I know I sound insane right now. Maybe I am, maybe I'm confused, either way it's no excuse. I'm sorry to whoever I cut with my words, but I still feel forever guilty.

Sadly guilt follows me. It's like a shadow over me more than it is a friend. I try not to be too overbearing but my meekness kind of does that. I'm the oddball in my family. Everyone is outgoing, confident, self-loved, happy, sure, thick-skinned, not too affectionate, and I am introverted, not confident, I hate myself, I am never happy, I am overly sensitive, and very affectionate and somewhat needy for love even though I rarely feel it. I get my emotions out in writing which is why I write so much online.

I've always been one to be able to write out how I feel better than I can say how I feel since I'll leave too much out. Hmm, I just wish things could be different. I feel guilt about being less-than-straight but liking guys sometimes probably from how I was raised. I always hate myself for looking at anyone attractive and I envy their happiness. I have gotten so good at hiding my emotions that I rarely let them out. I just think I would be better off alone, no one else would understand me or have the patience I do. People like me need people similar who know what it's like else we'll shoo a person a way. I'm not a fighter so I let my tongue do the cuts.

I really do wish things were different. I want to be happy and normal but I am not. I don't even know what I want or what I want to be or am. I feel like life is on play but I'm on pause. Things never seem to get better. Money's tough here and I have no way to ease that. I'm supposed to be going into college yet I'm scared, second guessing, and unsure of everything including myself (whoever that is.) I know, I'm saying "I" a lot, but I have a lot on my mind. I feel so lonely and cold but even this is better than me feeling warmer and hurt. I really am pathetic sometimes, I don't want pity, I would only reject it or ignore it. I want solace, someone I can talk to. I want a reason to keep living, because I don't think I will keep at this much longer and that scares me. I used to and try to see the good in people but it must be awfully dim with all the despair around me.

My insomnia from a running mind always keeps me up at night, and each morning I wake going, "God why am I alive?" I just hate all of these things. I hate myself, I'm starting to hate people (something that is against me.) My heart isn't broken, it can't break because it was never really whole to start with. All in all I guess I feel hurt and rejected. My mother's reaction to me coming out and what she still thinks didn't help. Being told you'd be aborted had your mother known is quite the blow and does something to you mentally. You're left in shock and if brought up Christian like I was, you say, "You are no better by saying you'd disown the child God entrusted to you. I'll face God and tell him what I am, it's up to him what his Judgement will be." I don't fear death, but I don't welcome it either.

I've just learned to live despite my cold life. I do things to do them, not because I want to or choose to anymore. I sometimes feel like a stone against the ocean, constantly battered with each wave or day. But I don't know what to do. I don't feel loved and my heart hurts. I want to cry and do inside but when it tries to come out it either won't or hurts to much to cry. I really wish loneliness and sadness weren't so heavy but the Lord knows they are a heavy burden. No matter what people say to me or no matter what people tell me on how things will get better, I never seem to agree, and things never improve. I think things might, but they're not. I'm 19, I should be happy, I should be joyous, but I am not. Not at all. Despair really sucks. I see why people write depression, they don't get it. And you don't, until you feel it. Which is probably why I try to help so many people. For one, it distracts me, and it leaves the door open for us both to get help. I've always been this way so I have no clue when it started. I'm a soft person, with a hurt heart, the two don't mix or go well in this world.

All I want is one drop of happiness and maybe one true friend. One I can talk to and call whenever. No one knows these feelings about me, and I never got them out, not until now. I know this is long, but so are the thoughts within me. Thanks for your time. I pray you never feel as worthless and hurt as I do.

[ComfortableInChaos]

I'm the same way, the personality thing is the same way with me. I even named my bitchy, hurtful side in my freshman year (I'm a junior now) but it started mixing with my other personality and it's weird... I thought I killed that personality a while back but sometimes, like yesterday morning, he attacked my mom and started spitting words of fire at her, telling her off and telling her how she acts like she's better than everyone when she's not as good as anyone and I mean, I couldn't stop. She pissed me off and started yelling at me first and when people yell at me, that's when it comes out. Blake, the really rude, word-stabbing personality, came out and attacked one bitchy girl in my psychology class last school year.

My family is the same way. The only one I can relate well with is my sister and my crazy, bipolar (clinically bipolar) great grandma. I can be the meanest person and they'll both laugh and be the same way with me. The other side of my family are completely fake. They put up a front just to make everything seem so happy and great and positive when it's completely the opposite. My mom, aunt, and grandma are the three biggest fake-asses I've ever met...

Guilt doesn't overtake me at all. Sometimes, I even feel guiltless. I know I did something wrong and shouldn't have said or done something, but it just happens, kind of like an impulse thing. I just attack with words and I can't stop and I tell people how I feel about them, their personality, how they treat other people, and how much they think they're better than everyone else...

Being better off alone... I guess I can relate there, too. I sometimes feel like my words are so cold, I don't want them to hurt the people I like/love but I don't wanna show them because they WON'T be able to understand. I hate it, myself. I've wished I could be a LOT different, I used to wanna be so different and play god and change whatever I wanted about myself just so I can be altered in my image, how I picture the perfect person. My mom tears me down sometimes and that's why I think I developed Blake; I had had enough and I was done.

I have REALLY bad insomnia, too. Hell, it's 4 AM right now and I'm still awake. What do you mean "running mind"?

Anyway, you're not the only one, don't feel like you're alone in that kind of situation-- you're not. I go through the same thing, you're not alone :P

[Were]

Life is full of choices,just choose to be happy,don't look back at your past,look at a happy you and always think positive.Read the word of God,for it is living,gives hope,comforts and is truth.If you have not given your life to Christ,i ask you to do so and you will see a big change in your life,trust me.
I do believe you are normal,you are not different from other people and you have happiness hidden somewhere in your heart,all you have to do is embrace it with LOVE in your heart.

[Karkat]

I can relate to a lot of this, actually. ESPECIALLY the bitchy part. I think you've probably seen that more than most of the members here because we tend to disagree on so much. I tend to get irritated fairly easy, and I tend to get kind of aggressive when I'm irritated.

By the way, if you feel that you've hurt me, don't. The worst your words have done is maybe irritate me a bit, and honestly, everyone irritates everyone from time to time. The reason I didn't respond to your post is because there was literally no response that could've come out of it that I hadn't already said. It would've been pointless. It wasn't because you hurt me, so don't feel guilty about that. I do appreciate that you care though- most people I get into arguments with that do WAY worse could care less.

I don't feel that I personally am a good "close friend" for a few reasons.

-I'm inconsistent.
-I'm way too needy and clingy.
-I overthink things and tend to think everyone hates me a lot.
-I hurt myself a lot. Like, I tend to post about a lot of my misadventures and issues on here, but it barely scratches the surface. It's hard to be friends with someone who is so hellbent on making their own life miserable. ESPECIALLY if you have your own needs.
-I tend to isolate myself at the worst times and make everyone think I'm dead.
-We disagree a lot.

I mean, if you honestly wanted to get to know me better, I wouldn't tell you no, I just feel like I need to put it out there that if I don't make an effort to get close to you, it's nothing personal. It's not you. It's just that I can't be a good friend to anyone right now.

However, I do wish you the best of luck with finding a good friend, and with getting through college, and life, and overcoming a lot of the anxiety and depression that hold you back- even if it's not 'permanently' (rarely ever is), just finding a way to cope with it in day to day life. I really do.

Have you thought about writing poetry? It can be very cathartic, and I think you'd be good at it. You don't have to share it with anyone even.

[Lovelife090994]

I can relate to a lot of this, actually. ESPECIALLY the bitchy part. I think you've probably seen that more than most of the members here because we tend to disagree on so much. I tend to get irritated fairly easy, and I tend to get kind of aggressive when I'm irritated.

By the way, if you feel that you've hurt me, don't. The worst your words have done is maybe irritate me a bit, and honestly, everyone irritates everyone from time to time. The reason I didn't respond to your post is because there was literally no response that could've come out of it that I hadn't already said. It would've been pointless. It wasn't because you hurt me, so don't feel guilty about that. I do appreciate that you care though- most people I get into arguments with that do WAY worse could care less.

I don't feel that I personally am a good "close friend" for a few reasons.

-I'm inconsistent.
-I'm way too needy and clingy.
-I overthink things and tend to think everyone hates me a lot.
-I hurt myself a lot. Like, I tend to post about a lot of my misadventures and issues on here, but it barely scratches the surface. It's hard to be friends with someone who is so hellbent on making their own life miserable. ESPECIALLY if you have your own needs.
-I tend to isolate myself at the worst times and make everyone think I'm dead.
-We disagree a lot.

I mean, if you honestly wanted to get to know me better, I wouldn't tell you no, I just feel like I need to put it out there that if I don't make an effort to get close to you, it's nothing personal. It's not you. It's just that I can't be a good friend to anyone right now.

However, I do wish you the best of luck with finding a good friend, and with getting through college, and life, and overcoming a lot of the anxiety and depression that hold you back- even if it's not 'permanently' (rarely ever is), just finding a way to cope with it in day to day life. I really do.

Have you thought about writing poetry? It can be very cathartic, and I think you'd be good at it. You don't have to share it with anyone even.

Scary how similar we are. I have wrote poetry before, my aunt read it and shared it with my mom and they mounted an intervention. I've had creative writer's block too long now. I was supposed to be writing a novel but it's only half done at 147 pages or so. I feel bad not writing it.

[Karkat]

Scary how similar we are. I have wrote poetry before, my aunt read it and shared it with my mom and they mounted an intervention. I've had creative writer's block too long now. I was supposed to be writing a novel but it's only half done at 147 pages or so. I feel bad not writing it.

Ah, I know what that's like too. On both accounts. :/

Hope you find the inspiration to get past that block!