Nothing left. I want to end it but cant.

[Lovelife090994]

I hate this part. No Love for me.

I just feel so bad. People all my life have hurt me, and I never fought back I'm not a fighter, so I'd talk back. I always got in trouble for talking back and silenced while the people that hurt me leave. I dont know what it's like to feel happy. I don't know how it is to not feel hurt. I don't know how it is to have friends and be loved. And I dont know how it is to wake up and not ask God "why am I alive when I want to die" every morning.

I try not to be mean but apparently I can be and I play victim. But people always hurt me and no one ever cares. I can speak my mind or get help because no one hears it or cares. If it wasn't for the internet I would have never have talked to anyone or found acquaintances.

I don't know what it is to love yourself. I never have loved myself. Plus, being young, Black, Christian, gay, bisexual, and, or confused are things I haven't conquered yet. I don't think I can ever be happy or find people. I hate people and life. Hope died for me a long time ago. I dont even know why I'm alive. Life never gets better or good. Anyone who sees life as good hasn't been fit yet. Everything's gray and no one cares about you.

That's why it is good to be alone, so no one can hurt you. I guess I'm not meant for happiness. It never met me. I don't love anything and I don't even want college now. I don't want love. I never had it. I want to dissapear. I keep spliting into alter-egos of good, bad, INFJ-ness, evil, hateful, sassy, and broken.

I hate this part. I just wish I could die and the only reason I haven't is because I have. My life is sad. I never had the courage to end it. Between my family not happy about me possibly being gay, to my neuroticness coming out on sites, to my sadness, to being worthless with no creativity coming in I have nothing. Everything hurts. I want to leave. And I wish I had one person who loved me. My family says they do but I never feel it. I have no love left and I hate everything about myself. Loneliness is all I ever knew and know really. Nothing is ever good.

[AllTimeLoser]

Don't hate yourself, you are an amazing person, I don't need to know you to see that

[diddykong53]

I hate this part. No Love for me.

I just feel so bad. People all my life have hurt me, and I never fought back I'm not a fighter, so I'd talk back. I always got in trouble for talking back and silenced while the people that hurt me leave. I dont know what it's like to feel happy. I don't know how it is to not feel hurt. I don't know how it is to have friends and be loved. And I dont know how it is to wake up and not ask God "why am I alive when I want to die" every morning.

I try not to be mean but apparently I can be and I play victim. But people always hurt me and no one ever cares. I can speak my mind or get help because no one hears it or cares. If it wasn't for the internet I would have never have talked to anyone or found acquaintances.

I don't know what it is to love yourself. I never have loved myself. Plus, being young, Black, Christian, gay, bisexual, and, or confused are things I haven't conquered yet. I don't think I can ever be happy or find people. I hate people and life. Hope died for me a long time ago. I dont even know why I'm alive. Life never gets better or good. Anyone who sees life as good hasn't been fit yet. Everything's gray and no one cares about you.

That's why it is good to be alone, so no one can hurt you. I guess I'm not meant for happiness. It never met me. I don't love anything and I don't even want college now. I don't want love. I never had it. I want to dissapear. I keep spliting into alter-egos of good, bad, INFJ-ness, evil, hateful, sassy, and broken.

I hate this part. I just wish I could die and the only reason I haven't is because I have. My life is sad. I never had the courage to end it. Between my family not happy about me possibly being gay, to my neuroticness coming out on sites, to my sadness, to being worthless with no creativity coming in I have nothing. Everything hurts. I want to leave. And I wish I had one person who loved me. My family says they do but I never feel it. I have no love left and I hate everything about myself. Loneliness is all I ever knew and know really. Nothing is ever good.

Isn't it weird how we can be alive, but feel dead at the same time? Humans are so weird mentally if you think about it. We get caught up in ideas of self hate and it sucks
Stay strong and love yourself :)

[Dalcourt]

I hate this part. No Love for me.

I just feel so bad. People all my life have hurt me, and I never fought back I'm not a fighter, so I'd talk back. I always got in trouble for talking back and silenced while the people that hurt me leave. I dont know what it's like to feel happy. I don't know how it is to not feel hurt. I don't know how it is to have friends and be loved. And I dont know how it is to wake up and not ask God "why am I alive when I want to die" every morning.

I try not to be mean but apparently I can be and I play victim. But people always hurt me and no one ever cares. I can speak my mind or get help because no one hears it or cares. If it wasn't for the internet I would have never have talked to anyone or found acquaintances.

I don't know what it is to love yourself. I never have loved myself. Plus, being young, Black, Christian, gay, bisexual, and, or confused are things I haven't conquered yet. I don't think I can ever be happy or find people. I hate people and life. Hope died for me a long time ago. I dont even know why I'm alive. Life never gets better or good. Anyone who sees life as good hasn't been fit yet. Everything's gray and no one cares about you.

That's why it is good to be alone, so no one can hurt you. I guess I'm not meant for happiness. It never met me. I don't love anything and I don't even want college now. I don't want love. I never had it. I want to dissapear. I keep spliting into alter-egos of good, bad, INFJ-ness, evil, hateful, sassy, and broken.

I hate this part. I just wish I could die and the only reason I haven't is because I have. My life is sad. I never had the courage to end it. Between my family not happy about me possibly being gay, to my neuroticness coming out on sites, to my sadness, to being worthless with no creativity coming in I have nothing. Everything hurts. I want to leave. And I wish I had one person who loved me. My family says they do but I never feel it. I have no love left and I hate everything about myself. Loneliness is all I ever knew and know really. Nothing is ever good.

Don't say that you hate yourself and never find love or happiness. Apart from that how can you even say you hate yourself when you are a Christian? Isn't Christianity about love for yourself and others...isn't that what Jesus said?
Anyway, did you ever seek professional help, not just family and schoo mates? I had a therapist once and the things I learnt there were very helpful. I'm still suffering from depression and anxiety, so much sometimes that I feel physically ill, but I can better deal with it and don't try things like killing myself.
I don't really get what the main factors for your depression are as you mention so many things but most important is to sort out your thouhgts so you know what the single problems are and work on them.
You know I don't want to sound like a therapist or anything I am just someone who knows how it feels to wish to just die...if you ever need to talk I'm willing to listen.

[Lovelife090994]

Don't say that you hate yourself and never find love or happiness. Apart from that how can you even say you hate yourself when you are a Christian? Isn't Christianity about love for yourself and others...isn't that what Jesus said?
Anyway, did you ever seek professional help, not just family and schoo mates? I had a therapist once and the things I learnt there were very helpful. I'm still suffering from depression and anxiety, so much sometimes that I feel physically ill, but I can better deal with it and don't try things like killing myself.
I don't really get what the main factors for your depression are as you mention so many things but most important is to sort out your thouhgts so you know what the single problems are and work on them.
You know I don't want to sound like a therapist or anything I am just someone who knows how it feels to wish to just die...if you ever need to talk I'm willing to listen.

I think it's a little bit of everything. Happiness never happens here.

[Dalcourt]

I think it's a little bit of everything. Happiness never happens here.

I see. Happiness in most people's sense never happens to me either but I have learned to find happiness in small things most people overlook.
What bothers you most being lonely, confusion about your sexuality? Your religion and it's views on your sexuality? I didn't really get the part about being black...is that a problem?

[Lovelife090994]

I see. Happiness in most people's sense never happens to me either but I have learned to find happiness in small things most people overlook.
What bothers you most being lonely, confusion about your sexuality? Your religion and it's views on your sexuality? I didn't really get the part about being black...is that a problem?

Like I said, I don't like any part of me much if at all, especially the fact that I've never met anyone like me in any small way. I am always lonely, always confused and guilty feeling, always in question of my faith and approval of others, I constantly question what I am, and sometimes I wish I could change my look completely.

[Hudor]

Look you need to give yourself a break. Mulling over the sad thoughts is festering depression in you and from there suicide isn't a long way down the road. Ending your life is never a solution. I know life is quite bad for you at the moment and had been before but you cannot kill your future for it. Rather than setting milestones for happiness, seek it in the small things you find along the way to achieving your target. If you think you'll feel happy if and when you achieve the goals you set, then you'll have a tough time finding it for every time you reach one goal, you'll find a bigger one looming ahead.

I read your last post and i understand what you mean but i think you need to be more accepting about yourself. Ups and downs arrive in everyone's life but if you lose confidence in yourself, you'll lose confidence in life.

Do you have a friend with whom you could go somewhere like a night-out or a hike or some place where you could enjoy being for some time? That could really help.

[Dalcourt]

Like I said, I don't like any part of me much if at all, especially the fact that I've never met anyone like me in any small way. I am always lonely, always confused and guilty feeling, always in question of my faith and approval of others, I constantly question what I am, and sometimes I wish I could change my look completely.

Being in a very depressive phase myself it is hard for me to be of much help at the moment but I try. As Hudor said you have to give yourself a break. Don't beat yourself up about things you can't really influence. It is not essential to be like anyone else and I'm sure there are things about you that are likeable and believe there are people out there who like you...don't try to force things it never works that way. Just occupy yourself with things that interest you and don't ponder on what is negative.
Go out...get fresh air. Don't give up things will get better.

[Lovelife090994]

Being in a very depressive phase myself it is hard for me to be of much help at the moment but I try. As Hudor said you have to give yourself a break. Don't beat yourself up about things you can't really influence. It is not essential to be like anyone else and I'm sure there are things about you that are likeable and believe there are people out there who like you...don't try to force things it never works that way. Just occupy yourself with things that interest you and don't ponder on what is negative.
Go out...get fresh air. Don't give up things will get better.

I don't think I can. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I don't have anyone to care about me and I don't think I could care back anymore. I don't have anyone like me and everyone hates me. I'm useless.