Damnit

[Underground_Network]

My head is spinning.. I can't thhink straight.. I just can't focus, I can't make myself believe that I can fix my life anymore. There's nothing left to live for. Your support is not what I'm looking for. Support can't fucking help me through it. I'm sorry, but I think I'm going to have to end my life. I have no other choice. No one fucking cares any more. I'm not sure I can trust my friends. In fact I don't think I have any true friends. I hate everything. I hate everyone. This world sucks, everyone sucks. Fuck this shit. Goodbye.. Don't even know why i'm bothering to type this.. I probably won't even try and commit suicide but I have no clue.. All sorts of thoughts are racing through my head. I just can't think. This is a mental breakdown.. Everything around me is collapsing. My heart is racing. And I think I might faint any second now. Tears are running down face. Fuck this.. I can't handle this.. I don't know what I'll do.. Hopefully not something drastic. Damnit.. My stomach hurts.. I feel nauseous.. I just feel like dying.. I hate this.. I hate this life.. Damnit.. :(

[Underground_Network]

So no one cares?..... :/

[Whisper]

Okay first
Its been a couple of minutes
nobody's seen it

and you
Need to calm down and blow off some steam
Why would you feel you cant trust your friends
Personally I think you could use them right now
Just get out of the house and go chill

clear your head

[Underground_Network]

My friends aren't like that.. I just don't know.. I've just tried to turn my life around so many fucking times.. And now on what seems like my final try I've done nothing but gained new friends who just fucking use me, my grades have slid from straight A's to B's, C's, and even D's, and I just can't handle this any more.. I don't know who the real me, and I don't think I'll ever find out. I just don't know. I keep trying to clear my head, but there's an intense pain. I'm sorry. Its just too late to save me. I'm beyond help. Even if I don't die, I'm done trying. I'll just live like a drone. I just won't think, I won't try any more. I'll just fail school, let go of all my friends, and just stare at the wall. I'm so fucking worthless as it is. I get no respect. Maybe my teachers respect me, but thats about it. And all these people I thought were my friends really aren't. And my two closest friends could never understand. I just don't feel I can trust them in a situation like this. I think if I tell them I'm suicidal they'll leave me rather than support or help me.. They're not the greatest of friends...

[Maverick]

If friends are the problem you can always make new ones. Friends, good and bad, will always come and go. Grades can be improved. All these problems you are having are temporary and can be easily rectified with some effort. You say you are respected by teachers so go for help. You have options but you just aren't using them. Next school year sign up for some clubs/sports and meet new people.

There are options to improve things. You just aren't fully taking advantage of them. New friends can change your life around completely. Just hang in there.

[Underground_Network]

Ant, you don't understand. I've been through so many different groups of friends. I've tried to gain new ones through all sorts of different ways. I achieved 90% of my personal goals, but my life didn't seem to change, and after that I just didn't feel like anything mattered, then my grades slipped, my newer friends faded away. And I just don't want to have to put forth all the effort again. I tried so hard and achieved so much, and then it all fell apart. Its just one of those times where its just too hard, too devastating. When you come to realize, that every time you seem to fix things, only a little bit later you watch those things fall back apart. I put so much effort into fixing my life, basically years worth of effort, only to see everything fall apart in just a couple of weeks. I just don't know. And all in all I just don't care. I'm tired of trying so hard and either coming up short or achieving what I intended to achieve, but then having something else fall apart or negatively affect my life. Right now I'm not suicidal, but I'm more on the "given up" side. I just don't care any more. I don't feel like trying any more. So again, I'll remain alive, but my life will probably lose what's left of its worth, because I seriously don't care any more. I feel if no one cares for me, then why should I care for anyone? Screw it all. Nothing matters any more. I might as well be dead, but I just can't do that to myself, I know that if it affects no one else, it will absolute destroy my mom, and she's the only person I know that I can even slightly trust right now. She's the only person that has ever truly loved and supported me. I can't even say that for my dad.

[Maverick]

Its going to require effort to succeed it life. It isn't going to happen for you. You can't let failures get you down. You learn from them and try again. You have to believe one day it will work out. Joining a club or playing a sport can allow you to meet good people. You just have to try and be willing. You got nothing to lose by trying.

[Underground_Network]

I've tried more than any other person I know. What I hate is seeing people around me who barely try at all and have way more than me. I see people in my school who get A's without trying.. I see people who have shitloads of friends and are popular but don't know shit and just don't understand anything.. I just wish I had something to live for. I really don't. I don't have incredible grades and an incredible future ahead of me.. Or maybe I do.. I don't know. But I know that I really don't have any incredible friends who can help through a situation like this.. And I know that my mom won't know what to do or say if I tell her, and that my dad will just get pissed at me.. I just don't feel like trying any more, because I don't feel there's anything left to achieve. I've achieved all I can achieve. I know there are other things I can technically achieve or accomplish, but I just feel I can't. I feel that trying has gotten me nowhere, and thus I just don't feel like trying any more. I just try so hard, and I just never get what I need. I say need and not want, because if I could just get what I try so hard for, I wouldn't be depressed, I wouldn't be suicidal, I wouldn't look down on life and be so pessimistic. I would be a better person, I would have a brighter future. And I know if I really keep trying I can achieve these things, but the motivation inside of me, its just gone. The happiness inside of me seems like its gone too. I've always been happy, even though I'm always depressed, I seriously have been relatively optimistic and convinced myself to stay content. But right now I seriously feel like all emotion has been drained from me. I just don't "feel" any more. :/

[Mzor203]

What I've learned from my life is, if no one accepts you, you don't necessarilly need anyone to accept you. I went through five years of my life with absolutely no friends. You say you've achieved 90% of your goals? Set somenew ones, finish those other 10%, do something you find fun that doesn't require friends. Go fishing, exercise, whatever. And, what you aren't getting is, there are plenty of people here who I am absolutely sure respct you just fine. I don't know you since I've been here only a couple days, but I'm sure you're a great guy! If you have msn or something I would be perfctly happy to add you and be your friend. Everyones life means something. Just because you may not have any friends doesn't mean you won't later in life.
Just say, "Fuck you society," and be alone for a while to blow off some steam, calm down. Seriously, this forum is a better place with an active member such as you around.

[Whisper]

I've tried more than any other person I know. What I hate is seeing people around me who barely try at all and have way more than me. I see people in my school who get A's without trying.. I see people who have shitloads of friends and are popular but don't know shit and just don't understand anything..

Thats incredibly arrogant
Everybody has a story hun
everyone
Life isn't easy for anyone
It's all relative
to allot of people it might very well look like your life's great

Success is earned
Leaders, are forged

Its all about how you pick yourself up once you've fallen
How you persevere that defines you
Everyone around you can fight with you constantly, teachers, bosses etc can bend over backwards for you
But when push comes to shove
When your down to the final hour
You have to want it

Its your future
Its your life
Its your destiny


NOTHING comes to those who wait
Its found by those who have the drive to seek it out

[japanman]

Well said *tries to give rep but cant :(*

[Underground_Network]

I had an unbelievable assembly today and though the guy leading it was a bit of a religious nut, it really motivated me. I feel a lot better (I think last night was just an extreme case of my situational depression). But yeah, I don't really know right now. I'll figure things out one day... One day.. :/

EDIT: One of the reasons I used to want to kill myself was because I found myself barbaric and inhuman. I saw myself as a monster. I didn't want to hurt other people, because there is light in my heart, and I hate to see people suffer, especially at my hands. To avoid that I wanted to kill myself. That feeling has returned. I keep having dark thoughts, thoughts I will not mention here on VT, and these thoughts are causing to me to want to kill myself for that very reason yet again.

[Falk 'Ace' Flyer]

What would the penguins do without you? The pro-penguin community is rapidly diminishing, so we need more and more people to join the effort- and you wouldn't let us down, now would you?

On a more serious note, I've have all the same feelings you have (had). I'm glad the assembly helped you out, sometimes it just takes some inspiration to find better things in life. Also, the people who get A's come in two kinds: a) those who truly work hard, and b) those who lie about it. My friend, he's one of those "popular" folk, always talks about how easy it is for him to get great grades. Well this year, he had to drop out of Stat because he was constantly failing, and he says he's got a low A, high B in regular math, but I saw his grade and it's a 76. Nobody gets anywhere without some effort, and all you need to do is find something that keeps you happy. A friend, a game, a sport, even just talking to somebody- your mom, maybe?-, anything that will keep you in a good mood. From there, you feel more motivated to do stuff (like schoolwork).

Best of luck.