TheLonelyOnes
July 2nd, 2014, 10:10 PM
I wrote this today in my anguish and grief. I've been feeling like this a lot lately and I just don't know what to do...
Often these days I feel like I’ve failed myself, like I’ve only brought disappointment to my life. I thought things were going to get brighter and happier, but I’ve only fallen into a hole of starving depression. The moment I left my house and life behind in Cape Coral I thought “Hey, maybe happiness does exist?” God I was so wrong… Promise after promise broken, dream after dream crushed, everything I loved stanched from my hands and thrown away. Is it possible to breath yet not be alive? Is it possible to feel your heart beat yet feel nothing in its place? Is it possible to feel so much that your touch becomes numb? I don’t know the answers, but I feel them every day, I feel them when I breathe, when I cry, when I’m trying to go to sleep… I feel them every morning when I get out of bed hoping that today’s a new day, but it never is. It’s always used and worn down, the cloudy sky reflecting yesterdays, the quite tears and loud booming sobs similar to last nights. In my world the sun doesn’t exist, he’s a thing of lonely imagination, the picture of freedoms dream.
I don’t want to hurt, I don’t want to feel pain, I don’t want to feel so much that my life turns numb, but that isn’t a choice of mine. Even writing this I feel dead, I feel so much that I begin to feel dead, gone, broken. So fucking broken…. I blame myself though. I can’t blame my father, I can’t blame my mother, my past, I can only blame myself. I’m 16 and I want to die, how fucking pathetic is that? These are supposed to be the years I live, that I smile and enjoy myself because fuck how am I supposed to function in the real god damn world if I’m like this? I hate my job, I have no friends, my life is so fucking complicated that I can’t stand to live it. I just want a family that is loving, that supports me through trial and error, I don’t want a selfish dad, I don’t want an abusive mom, I just want to feel loved… But I don’t get the privilege, I don’t get the privilege I feeling carefree, of doing the things I want and enjoying my teenage life. Nope, instead I got to have an abusive, selfish alcoholic mother whose doesn’t give a fuck about me and a selfish dad who can’t even take care of himself, let alone a child.
Honestly I don’t get how these people find the strength to rise above their hardships and pain. I’ve tried moving on from it, but I can’t. My job doesn’t allow me to express myself, my dad won’t let me quit and if I did I’d be shit out of luck because hey I can’t pay for my phone or cloths… I have nothing. That’s not true, I have more than a lot of people have and I’m supposed to be grateful for that but fuck I’m sick of being told I have to feel this way… I’m not even aloud to feel the way I want to feel anymore or I become an ungrateful bitch, but you know what? I don’t give a fuck anymore! I’m so sick and tired. Today is just like yesterday, and tomorrow will be the same. I’m sick of it being the fucking same, but how do I change it?
Everyone who I thought gave a shit has left, almost like they never existed… I’ve tried talking to them, making plans with them, but they don’t care enough about me. I guess that’s what you get when you don’t care enough about yourself huh? No one cares about you, if I were to drop dead that’d be the only time they’d care. They only feel bad when I make them feel bad, not because they personally do and it hurts. It hurts watching them leave, acting like they care to my face but then not giving a fuck when I’m not there. It makes me hate myself because fuck I must be doing something wrong if everyone keeps leaving. I’ve tried and I’ve tried, but no one gives me credit for my struggles… They sit here and tell me “hey yeah I know you’ve had a hard life, but I expect so much more from you” Like they fucking understand what I’m going through right now. Most of the time they don’t! They’re so fucking close minded and pampered they never took into account that I’m fucking broken and apparently I don’t deserve to be fixed.
It’s days like this when I question why I’m here and why I keep fighting, it’s a losing battle and it seems everyone’s betting for the other team. I want to prove them wrong so badly, but I’m so deep in this hole of fucking depression and I don’t know how to dig myself out anymore. Its days like this when I ask anything and everything why I’m here, why was I put here just to hurt? No one ever takes the time to answer my questions, instead they choose to listen, but never hear me.
Often these days I feel like I’ve failed myself, like I’ve only brought disappointment to my life. I thought things were going to get brighter and happier, but I’ve only fallen into a hole of starving depression. The moment I left my house and life behind in Cape Coral I thought “Hey, maybe happiness does exist?” God I was so wrong… Promise after promise broken, dream after dream crushed, everything I loved stanched from my hands and thrown away. Is it possible to breath yet not be alive? Is it possible to feel your heart beat yet feel nothing in its place? Is it possible to feel so much that your touch becomes numb? I don’t know the answers, but I feel them every day, I feel them when I breathe, when I cry, when I’m trying to go to sleep… I feel them every morning when I get out of bed hoping that today’s a new day, but it never is. It’s always used and worn down, the cloudy sky reflecting yesterdays, the quite tears and loud booming sobs similar to last nights. In my world the sun doesn’t exist, he’s a thing of lonely imagination, the picture of freedoms dream.
I don’t want to hurt, I don’t want to feel pain, I don’t want to feel so much that my life turns numb, but that isn’t a choice of mine. Even writing this I feel dead, I feel so much that I begin to feel dead, gone, broken. So fucking broken…. I blame myself though. I can’t blame my father, I can’t blame my mother, my past, I can only blame myself. I’m 16 and I want to die, how fucking pathetic is that? These are supposed to be the years I live, that I smile and enjoy myself because fuck how am I supposed to function in the real god damn world if I’m like this? I hate my job, I have no friends, my life is so fucking complicated that I can’t stand to live it. I just want a family that is loving, that supports me through trial and error, I don’t want a selfish dad, I don’t want an abusive mom, I just want to feel loved… But I don’t get the privilege, I don’t get the privilege I feeling carefree, of doing the things I want and enjoying my teenage life. Nope, instead I got to have an abusive, selfish alcoholic mother whose doesn’t give a fuck about me and a selfish dad who can’t even take care of himself, let alone a child.
Honestly I don’t get how these people find the strength to rise above their hardships and pain. I’ve tried moving on from it, but I can’t. My job doesn’t allow me to express myself, my dad won’t let me quit and if I did I’d be shit out of luck because hey I can’t pay for my phone or cloths… I have nothing. That’s not true, I have more than a lot of people have and I’m supposed to be grateful for that but fuck I’m sick of being told I have to feel this way… I’m not even aloud to feel the way I want to feel anymore or I become an ungrateful bitch, but you know what? I don’t give a fuck anymore! I’m so sick and tired. Today is just like yesterday, and tomorrow will be the same. I’m sick of it being the fucking same, but how do I change it?
Everyone who I thought gave a shit has left, almost like they never existed… I’ve tried talking to them, making plans with them, but they don’t care enough about me. I guess that’s what you get when you don’t care enough about yourself huh? No one cares about you, if I were to drop dead that’d be the only time they’d care. They only feel bad when I make them feel bad, not because they personally do and it hurts. It hurts watching them leave, acting like they care to my face but then not giving a fuck when I’m not there. It makes me hate myself because fuck I must be doing something wrong if everyone keeps leaving. I’ve tried and I’ve tried, but no one gives me credit for my struggles… They sit here and tell me “hey yeah I know you’ve had a hard life, but I expect so much more from you” Like they fucking understand what I’m going through right now. Most of the time they don’t! They’re so fucking close minded and pampered they never took into account that I’m fucking broken and apparently I don’t deserve to be fixed.
It’s days like this when I question why I’m here and why I keep fighting, it’s a losing battle and it seems everyone’s betting for the other team. I want to prove them wrong so badly, but I’m so deep in this hole of fucking depression and I don’t know how to dig myself out anymore. Its days like this when I ask anything and everything why I’m here, why was I put here just to hurt? No one ever takes the time to answer my questions, instead they choose to listen, but never hear me.