New Gay Struggling to Find Footing

[alexinLA]

Hi everyone,

This forum has helped me in the past, so I thought I would reach out again.

I recently came out. In reality, it was almost 2 years ago, but it still feel very fresh to me. For the most part, the better self-understanding and honesty has made my life a lot better, but it's also come with its own issues as well. I'm mainly looking for advice on a few things from some "Veteran" gays, haha!

1. How to avoid falling for straight friends?

This is, sadly, the third time this has happened to me and I would like to avoid it. Occasionally, I'll make a friend that I don't necessarily initially think of in an intimate way, but overtime it'll suddenly turn into that. To be fair, the current and past two friends that I've fallen for are light teases, but I don't think they'll ever cross the line.

In short, I want to stop this from happening. It's incredibly painful for me and makes me feel as if I'll never be able to enjoy a normal friendship with a dude.

2. Meeting other gays!!

I live in LA. This is the saddest thing in the world, haha. I'm literally in one of the gay hubs of the world, but feel incredibly disconnected from everyone in it. I'm not into partying, so the WeHo scene does not draw me in and let me meet other gays.

What are some other ways of meeting new gays? Gay culture seems to push a lot of us into this face paced, party scene, but there has to be more people like me who enjoy a blunt and a hike! :-)

3. Managing the identity.

The way I've always described coming out to people is like the swapping of a filter. For 18 years of my life, it was as if I was wearing a pair of glasses with a blue filter. My new pair is in red. Adjusting is difficult. Sometimes I feel like I really understand my self-image. Other times, I feel as if I'm being pulled between several different versions of myself and it's stressful.

What are some ways of staying centered, while also transitioning into a new identity? I know that I'm still grossly the same as before I came out, but you have to admit that accepting your identity also comes with a new kind of burden.

I would appreciate all the advice I can get. I'm in a funk right now! Feeling very alone. Have a few select family and friends that I bond well with, but I feel really disconnected from my generation.

[Living For Love]

1. Well, yeah, there's a reason most gay guys only hang out with girls and straight guys only hang out with guys. It's normal that we feel that way you described until you met a partner, or someone you can call your boyfriend, and if you don't like hanging out with girls much, then just try to keep friendships with guys the way you've done so far, but keep always in mind that they're straight. It's easy for us to fall in love with them, but you should just try to be have enough self control in order to avoid it happening.

2. I guess that the 1st problem you stated about falling for straight friends can be partially resolved if you solve this one first. I know what you mean when you say gay people are always associated with underwear parties and stuff like that, but I think the thing here is: meet as many people as you can, regardless of their sexual orientation. If you only focus on meeting gay people, then you might be missing the opportunity of meeting straight people who might led you to know other gay guys in the future. And this is something that develops with time, don't try to rush it. Besides, you live in Los Angeles, I mean, it shouldn't be that difficult. ;)

3. Your identity is you, you're the same person before you found out you were gay and after that. You know, those things that most people associate with gay guys, the way they talk, the way they see things, the way they express themselves, I believe they were always there, they were always part of your personality. You don't want to be someone else just so that people can easily identify you as a gay person, do you? Because that way you're not managing your identity, you're just changing it. Be who you always have been.

[alexinLA]

Thanks for the help! :-)

1 is done! Definitely clicked there. Just will take time and patience.

You're right on the money with 2.

Three will take time. I guess I'm still slowly accepting it. Time and practice, I guess! :-)

What was your experience like?

[Living For Love]

Thanks for the help! :-)

1 is done! Definitely clicked there. Just will take time and patience.

You're right on the money with 2.

Three will take time. I guess I'm still slowly accepting it. Time and practice, I guess! :-)

What was your experience like?

Well, I haven't come out to anyone yet, I found out I was gay only last year, which is pretty late, considering I'm 17, but now that I think about it, I realise I never liked girls that much, I never considered them attractive. And people were like saying "Oh, you must be gay." all the time to me, but I just refused. It got to a point that I couldn't deny it anymore. When I tell people I'm sure they'll be like: "I knew it!", because, like I said, all those things that identify gay people were always there, in my personality, since the beginning.