Help me😞

[Sarah12]

I've just got back from my prom, and it's 2:30am in the morning. And it's given me a lot to think about. I enjoyed the night so much, it was beautiful and I could've stayed there forever.
But at the start of the night, I was miserable and uncomfortable and as many times as I tried, I couldn't lift myself out of thoughts of how ugly I am and why and how awful I looked compared to everybody else. And I really REALLY wanted to sort myself out - you get one prom and I wanted to remember it. But I felt like everyone was looking at me and calling me names and that everyone hates me. I was literally on the verge of tears in my own prom, and nobody had said a word, I was happy with my dress and everything - it was just me. People telling me I looked beautiful just made me feel worse.
I'm actually head girl, so people think I ooze this confidence and I seemingly do! I'm loud, chatty and I would say pretty extrovert. But they have no idea what I'm really like, I don't think anyone does. That upsets me too, I don't think anybody knows me. I don't even know whether I'm the loud girl - or the sad one. Should I know this?
By the end of the night, I was dancing and jumping and I was having so much fun! Everyone else was joining in and I enjoyed so so much. But as soon as I stopped to go home, I felt it again. It's like a wave of sickness or a cloud I can't shake and it may seem pathetic and just the regular insecurities for a teenage girl. But it's so much more. You should know I'm a self harmer (nearly 2 months clean currently) and I frequently think about suicide but couldn't do it to my family or friends. (Nobody knows)
I know that all of this is down to my self esteem. I hate myself. So so much. Nothing anyone says makes me feel any better about myself. I would give the world to be ANYBODY else. But I was wondering if anybody knew why my mood fluctuates like this? And some ways I can learn to like myself maybe? All I want is to not wake up everyday detesting myself so much that I want to hurt myself to rectify. Please help me. I'm scared. And sad. And I just want to feel normal.

[Living For Love]

First of all, congrats for the two months without cutting, that's quite an accomplishment.

I know how you feel, but despite the fact you might think the contrary, you're not horrible or anything, you're just unique. You don't have to compare yourself to other people because they're themselves, you also need to be yourself to feel happy. We are humans, we're not perfect, but the problem is we only look at our faults and we don't pay any attention to the things we're good at, and I'm sure there are things in you that should make you feel proud of yourself. The way you behave at parties, I think it's just a normal reaction. You probably want to compensate your inner sadness with an extrovert personality, and there's nothing wrong with that, really. So I guess you should try to do things that make you feel you actually are a good and unique person. It must come from your mind first.

[Leprous]

Well, there is not much I can tell you right now, because I have the same issue. All I can say is that we are all there for you and feel free to talk to us at any time.

[Osama Gulryz]

Simple, Do what you like. What you feel. Be strong face others. Don't care what they say because not all five fingers are equal ;)

[Hudor]

I've just got back from my prom, and it's 2:30am in the morning. And it's given me a lot to think about. I enjoyed the night so much, it was beautiful and I could've stayed there forever.
But at the start of the night, I was miserable and uncomfortable and as many times as I tried, I couldn't lift myself out of thoughts of how ugly I am and why and how awful I looked compared to everybody else. And I really REALLY wanted to sort myself out - you get one prom and I wanted to remember it. But I felt like everyone was looking at me and calling me names and that everyone hates me. I was literally on the verge of tears in my own prom, and nobody had said a word, I was happy with my dress and everything - it was just me. People telling me I looked beautiful just made me feel worse.
I'm actually head girl, so people think I ooze this confidence and I seemingly do! I'm loud, chatty and I would say pretty extrovert. But they have no idea what I'm really like, I don't think anyone does. That upsets me too, I don't think anybody knows me. I don't even know whether I'm the loud girl - or the sad one. Should I know this?
By the end of the night, I was dancing and jumping and I was having so much fun! Everyone else was joining in and I enjoyed so so much. But as soon as I stopped to go home, I felt it again. It's like a wave of sickness or a cloud I can't shake and it may seem pathetic and just the regular insecurities for a teenage girl. But it's so much more. You should know I'm a self harmer (nearly 2 months clean currently) and I frequently think about suicide but couldn't do it to my family or friends. (Nobody knows)
I know that all of this is down to my self esteem. I hate myself. So so much. Nothing anyone says makes me feel any better about myself. I would give the world to be ANYBODY else. But I was wondering if anybody knew why my mood fluctuates like this? And some ways I can learn to like myself maybe? All I want is to not wake up everyday detesting myself so much that I want to hurt myself to rectify. Please help me. I'm scared. And sad. And I just want to feel normal.

i think I understand what you feel like because I can relate to a lot of what you stated including the sudden wave of sickness inducing self-contempt that you can't shake off. Basically i used to drown it in many a times myself and experienced a lot of things you stated.

Then I tried to find a reason for it and the conclusion i derived was that this cloud/wave originates from a single thought and as i mull over it, it develops into a train of thoughts that flood my mind, impairing my thinking process. In addition, I discovered that self-contempt is usually a waste of my time and energy that I could utilise somewhere constructively doing something creative and worthwhile.

So if I had to recall anything memorable I began choosing to recall the happier, lighter moments I had rather than the ones when I felt bad or ugly because it is after all up to me either count my blessings, positive attributes and work to develop them or regret over the things I don't have or can't be and waste my time and energy ruing over why i couldn't have them.

Even when i don't have any thing good enough to cherish I choose to focus on the more important things I have to do. This way i'm able to complete some of my work and when i get absorbed in it, i tend to forget the miserable thoughts as well.