partially explanation, partially ranting

[electric7rocker]

when im angry... i need to feel pain. when im depressed, i need to see blood. im depressed right now. i need to see the effects of cutting, but i do also need to feel the pain. but i need to feel the pain of having already cut. which is why my slow and precise methods of cutting dont satisfy me. they hurt too much in a way i cant control, and not enough in the way i like it. which is why i prefer faster cuts, but those i cant control how they look or how deep they go...[i fantasize about other people accidentally cutting me, so i can feel it and see it, and it was fast. i think about it all the time... how i wish someone would pull out a knife and come at me. or pick a fight with me so i can get the adrenaline rush and the pain]... so as of right now... i desperately want to cut. to feel pain afterwards, not during, and to see myself bleed. i still have one razor... i have enough courage to do it..... i just dont know what to do.

i know all of you will tell me not to cut, of course, but i know ill feel better if i do.
i love looking at my cuts and my scars. its almost like im proud of them. i love them. i love not having to hide them. i love to see myself bleed, i love to see my cuts scab over, i love to pick at them to see them bleed again and once again feel. i hate to watch them heal though. i want to see them constantly get deeper....





i want to cut.

[theOperaGhost]

You made it 100 days you can go longer. And I hope you do.

[electric7rocker]

so what if i can? i dont want to.


i have these pictures of myself where i painted on fake cuts... and they look really real. and i want them to be real.

[theOperaGhost]

There's nothing I can do to stop you, though I wish there was. It's your body, your choice.

[electric7rocker]

i dont know anymore... i made it to 100, then 101... and i was right.

i dont care anymore.
right now, my only concern is where. i want it all over my arms... but i know ill be caught. i just dont know....... maybe the top of my wrist where my wrist band covers............

[theOperaGhost]

I'm sorry you want to cut so badly. I wish I could somehow stop you, but I obviously can't.

[electric7rocker]

i dont feel any reason not to

im lonely... i can think of maybe one person who would care if i did....
i barely have any friends, barely anyone understands, i spend most of my time lying to and deceiving people so they dont think im a freak....

[theOperaGhost]

I don't know you, but why do people think you're a freak? People like that are jackasses.

[electric7rocker]

because i have pink and black hair, i wear fishnet gloves, im not afraid to laugh, i write poetry, im sadistic and masochistic, im not a "girly girl" or a "prep" i dont conform to their ways, i dont perfectly fit the mold... my self esteem plummets below the normal level, to as where im worried and afraid of how i look rather than being self conscious "omg i broke a nail"


ive always been a freak.



as this may not exactly constitute as "freak" there are other ways i dont even want to mention

[theOperaGhost]

I think people should just be who they are. If that's who you are, then there's nothing wrong with that. I like people who are different, because everyone is different.

Fake people piss me off. I know what you mean though. People do look at people like you like they're freaks and I just think that's wrong.

[electric7rocker]

i hate my life... im just always lonely and depressed

i search for happiness in my (small amount of) friends and (unfortunately nonexistant) boyfriend (i want both, i get neither) because i cant find happiness in myself because i hate myself. and cutting just... helps. its like my not-so-imaginary friend.

[japanman]

Ok finally i can say this. You are not a freak a freak is a word and what is a word a way to communicate and associate. Now words like freak do not go under these catorgories. But other people look at you and think hmm i just dont like him ill call him a freak. No you can not and will not accept that because who are they to judge you. And what do you do you ignore it because its your opionion that matters you are not a freak. You are just uniqe.

As for the cutting i understand you just like pain i like pain too but all you need to do is control and what you do to do that is socialize and get support you CAN RESIST you have resisted for many days now YOU CAN MAKE IT.

"I think people should just be who they are. If that's who you are, then there's nothing wrong with that. I like people who are different, because everyone is different.

Fake people piss me off. I know what you mean though. People do look at people like you like they're freaks and I just think that's wrong."

hey piano man i agree. Those basterds who think they have a right to spit on people its just sickening. People judge you constently but that is not benifiting them because what do you think of them that they are horable people. its its just pisses me off when pricks who hold in emotion and acts on thougt only. man it just pisses me off sometimes acting on thouht is ok but to judge people on thought is just sickining

[electric7rocker]

i have no motivation to "make it." i dont want to "make it."


i want to give in and feel better.

[theOperaGhost]

Jake, she's a girl.

But I agree with Jake, that's their opinion. You also have an opinion. Your opinion is the only one that matters.

[electric7rocker]

i also feel that i dont want to get to 102 days because thats an awkward number, and im rather ocd. its just a number i almost... dont want to be associated with?

i dont know.. its weird.


i want to not have to worry about not cutting.

[japanman]

:( uh oops sry when i see threads like thiss i just cant help but help and i dont pay attention to important things sry about that.
ok you say you have no motovation well ill give you some.
I know that you can make it just fight dont let it win just fight you are in control you are the one who can control it you can do it.

btw sry for not realizing that you were a girl

[electric7rocker]

its ok.....
but the reason i have no motivation to not cut is because i dont need to not do it.
it wont change anything except a number. and itll make me feel better. i want it. its not something that im trying to avoid

[theOperaGhost]

A day only lasts so long. Is there anyway to preoccupy yourself so you don't cut until the day is over.

[electric7rocker]

sleeping... which im about to do... but theres still tomorrow........

im close to 100% positive im going to cut tomorrow.

[japanman]

its ok.....
but the reason i have no motivation to not cut is because i dont need to not do it.
it wont change anything except a number. and itll make me feel better. i want it. its not something that im trying to avoid
ooo i get it ok you have no reason to stop now im not trying to be mean but just here. if you cut you are hurting people your parents friends any body whos emotioonaly attached to you worrie. hmm ok hmm i need a sec to think about this problem for you because its a tuff one but i will help you out here i promise. btw i never go back on my word never

[electric7rocker]

those people ill hurt.....

theres barely any of them.
and they cant hurt if they dont know.

[theOperaGhost]

Try hard not to, but I guess if you must, you will, I'll just keep trying to stop you somehow. Good night.

[japanman]

ok i reasherched some things like motovation http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Motivation and some other helpful resourses i found that satasfaction is good motovation well guess what im some what satisfied that you made it this far o and your a girl so you need to tell someone that they call you a freak but then theyll call you names. So stand up for yourself kick some butt if needed just nothing too seriouse hmm im still thinking about this tho. hope you do well and good night.

[electric7rocker]

i dont want to make it to 102

today sucked... i was constantly on edge... i was made fun of, my mom told me that she and my dad are splitting up for good... theyre gonna go to the divorce stage.... i just dont even care.

[japanman]

ok well i know you can make it but you dont want to stop b/c you like it well dont you lose blood from that plz i know you can make it.your parents are gonna divorce well stay strong i know itll be hard with parents apart but you can do it i know you can :yes:.

[electric7rocker]

too late

my 100 days was completely worthless
im hopeless. i deserve to die.
dont tell me otherwise i know its true.

[japanman]

no you are not worthless nobody is worthless in order to make a difference you have to challenge things im begging challenge the cutting and your life will be better.