audiophile5
June 20th, 2014, 01:35 PM
Why should we choose to suffer? Why should we continue to suffer? Why not decide to simply end it all? Just because some stupid book tells us not to? Just because it promises us that better times are coming?
They aren't. You suffer, your heart is broken into millions of pieces, you can’t even comprehend how you can still do everything you do, from eating to talking and smiling. Your only relief is sleep, a land in which all pain vanishes, all that you feel is invisible - you're a new person. But when you wake up you feel nothing but more pain, more sorrow, more disappointment and lack of interest in everything that is around you. From the first moment you open your eyes the only thing you want is to be asleep again, to feel no pain again. You push yourself through the day, doing everything you ought to, hoping that the large number of tasks will bring enough fatigue to you body, enough to send you to sleep in the evening, after hours of staying in bed and suffering. Yes, you walk, you talk, you work, but you're present in none. You only do it to fill your time, so that you won't have to think. But there's no escape from it, your mind plays the images that haunt you over and over again, until you feel your feet are caving underneath you and you have to breathe in and get a grip of yourself, you must keep the appearances till late at night when you are alone with your nightmares, face to face, with nothing to defend yourself from the sharp claws that sink deep into your skin and leave behind long scars and dark bruises that never seem to fade, never seem to heal. You try as hard as you can to find a way to save yourself, to discover and exit, something, anything that will lift all these feelings off your heart, but there is nothing but darkness around you, darkness and cold and suffering, and you feel them all in your mind and heart and soul, day after day, and you scream, scream as loud as you can, scream at the top of your lungs, scream that you're sinking, that the eternal closure is pulling you down, that you start to lose sight of the world, that no matter what you do you keep going down down down, but no one listens, no one cares, no one even notices, they all offer you smiles and ask you how are you feeling and you just say "Fine" cause you know very well that they don’t care so there is no point for you’re alone, you’ve always been.
But you go on. Your body heals slowly, and you're finally able to see the world clearly again, and you tell yourself that you were just unlucky this time, but next time it'll be better, you'll succeed next time. And then next time comes and you fail once more and everything that you've been through, all the sinking, all the screaming, it all becomes routine, it all becomes part of your life, part of you, though you were sure it wouldn't happen again, and your heart is nothing more than dust in the wind, for it has been broken so many damn times in too many damn pieces and you can’t even know if you've really had one or not.
So why let it go on, why allow this unbroken circle of breakdowns to go on forever, each time taking its toll on you, punching and kicking you every time? Religion says not to. They tell you not to take your own life for it's a crime against God, against normality. They tell you must trust that God has greater plans for you, that brighter things will be found down the road. Maybe for some it's reason enough. Maybe they can live with this belief.
But I can't. My whole life my heart has been broken, and I always hoped the situation will improve, but it never did, it just got worse and worse. But I'm tired of it all. I’m tired and I don’t see the point anymore. The only things that keep me from giving up are the few things that I have, the few people that care for me. Sometimes I wish I had nothing, for when you own something, that something ends up owning you too, and by going you create a void in their life too, and this brings suffering, suffering which maybe they don't deserve. Yeah, I wish I had nothing, then I had nothing to lose.
This is just something I wrote today, I had to take this off my heart
They aren't. You suffer, your heart is broken into millions of pieces, you can’t even comprehend how you can still do everything you do, from eating to talking and smiling. Your only relief is sleep, a land in which all pain vanishes, all that you feel is invisible - you're a new person. But when you wake up you feel nothing but more pain, more sorrow, more disappointment and lack of interest in everything that is around you. From the first moment you open your eyes the only thing you want is to be asleep again, to feel no pain again. You push yourself through the day, doing everything you ought to, hoping that the large number of tasks will bring enough fatigue to you body, enough to send you to sleep in the evening, after hours of staying in bed and suffering. Yes, you walk, you talk, you work, but you're present in none. You only do it to fill your time, so that you won't have to think. But there's no escape from it, your mind plays the images that haunt you over and over again, until you feel your feet are caving underneath you and you have to breathe in and get a grip of yourself, you must keep the appearances till late at night when you are alone with your nightmares, face to face, with nothing to defend yourself from the sharp claws that sink deep into your skin and leave behind long scars and dark bruises that never seem to fade, never seem to heal. You try as hard as you can to find a way to save yourself, to discover and exit, something, anything that will lift all these feelings off your heart, but there is nothing but darkness around you, darkness and cold and suffering, and you feel them all in your mind and heart and soul, day after day, and you scream, scream as loud as you can, scream at the top of your lungs, scream that you're sinking, that the eternal closure is pulling you down, that you start to lose sight of the world, that no matter what you do you keep going down down down, but no one listens, no one cares, no one even notices, they all offer you smiles and ask you how are you feeling and you just say "Fine" cause you know very well that they don’t care so there is no point for you’re alone, you’ve always been.
But you go on. Your body heals slowly, and you're finally able to see the world clearly again, and you tell yourself that you were just unlucky this time, but next time it'll be better, you'll succeed next time. And then next time comes and you fail once more and everything that you've been through, all the sinking, all the screaming, it all becomes routine, it all becomes part of your life, part of you, though you were sure it wouldn't happen again, and your heart is nothing more than dust in the wind, for it has been broken so many damn times in too many damn pieces and you can’t even know if you've really had one or not.
So why let it go on, why allow this unbroken circle of breakdowns to go on forever, each time taking its toll on you, punching and kicking you every time? Religion says not to. They tell you not to take your own life for it's a crime against God, against normality. They tell you must trust that God has greater plans for you, that brighter things will be found down the road. Maybe for some it's reason enough. Maybe they can live with this belief.
But I can't. My whole life my heart has been broken, and I always hoped the situation will improve, but it never did, it just got worse and worse. But I'm tired of it all. I’m tired and I don’t see the point anymore. The only things that keep me from giving up are the few things that I have, the few people that care for me. Sometimes I wish I had nothing, for when you own something, that something ends up owning you too, and by going you create a void in their life too, and this brings suffering, suffering which maybe they don't deserve. Yeah, I wish I had nothing, then I had nothing to lose.
This is just something I wrote today, I had to take this off my heart