Kurgg2
June 16th, 2014, 08:23 PM
I don't know if this is right or wrong place for this, but I'll give it a try. This is a lenghty post so brace yourself.
So, I am a 14 year old homosexual boy who is extremely shy and has some symphtoms of Aspergers. I am a lone person who has not real friends. I live in a small country near a big city. The county is separated to distinctive parts. I live in a town of about 4000 residents. I will refer it from no on as a Town. 10 km south from the Town, there is a bigger town where is the center of the county. I will call it the Center. Between Town and Center there is some countryside. I will refer it simply as Countryside.
My crush is a blond and sporty boy. He is same age as I am. He is little bit shorter and little bit of muscular than I am. He has some friends in my/his class and in the other class. He is very playful and nice, except for his enemies.
So, my story starts from last autumn, when my second degree education started. Because the Countryside does not have a second degree school, they have to go either to the Town or Center. Most pupils went to the Town. The first degree school classes were mixed and organised again with pupils from Countryside. That's how I met my crush. I had previously a crush to another boy, who had changed the school. As I mentioned, I am very shy and I don't meet my friends on my freetime. When autumn came, I already forgot the crush even though I had not yet crush to my current crush.
So, the school started pretty well. I didn't got any friends from my old class to my new class though, but me and the other boys in my class became friends. The boys from my class immediatly got divided into two groups: "Upper class" and "Lower class". Upper class consisted of all the cool guys. I belonged to it first, too. The lower class consisted of kids from special classes. Since my class was not very big, Upper class had 7 boys and lower class only 2. First copule of months it was going pretty well for me. I even sozialised with them for couple of times outside the school.
Luckily, I met through the guys from Countryside of my class Countryside-guys from other classes. When I was with other people, it was usually in a airsoft game. Since games in the town were declining, I began to airsoft with the guys from Countryside. I still go sometimes on their games. The other airsofters in that group sems to be right now only persons who respect me. My crush used to airsoft also, but he stopped for some reason. There are also some guys from the Center but let's talk about that later.
During the first couple of months, the Upper Class had treated me with friendliness, even though I gained a reputation of "quiet guy". After first copule of months, when the guys from the Upper Class began to hang more around their former classmate, I made a horrible mistake. I began to hang around my future crush and his best friends. During the next couple of months I literally followed them everywhere in the school. As my habit was/is, I didn't bother them on freetime. First they accepted my company, or just tolerated it and did not got bothered about it. I wasn't talking with them or anything, I just stood with them and listened to their conversation. Then I also got first the crush. However, when the Christmas began to get closer, they began to avoid me. They runned away from me and hid from me. My crush began to avoid me first. He asked once why I am always smiling when he looks at me. I though realised that he did not know what was going on. He just began to kept my company annoying.
Couple of days before Christmas vacation, when I was eating, I sat down next to my crush and he began to move further from me. He had done it before, but he did not move to other seats and his friend did not followed him or avoided me. When he sat on other seat next to his original seat, I moved next to him. The he moved to the end of the table. I stood up then with my plate and said to them: "If you don't like my company you should have said it!" So, I started to hate him. I was constantly thinking how I could revenge him. I could not get him out of my mind.
While I followed my crush and his friends, my relationships with other Upper Class guys had suffered. They no longer acted friendly towards me. They did not treated me badly, but neutrally. I began then hang more alone and with my former classmates. The hate continued until Easter.
When Easter ended, I noticed that I have a crush on him again. I felt like I was ready to forgive him everything and be friends with him. However, he did hate me still. He did not hid from me but he acted coldly towards me. I coped by hanging with my old class. I was at the same time falling from Upper Class to Lower Class which has received a new member on Christmas. When it was middle of April one Upper Class member began to bully me verbally. Luckily it was not in a big scale. I did not felt I needed to tell about it since it usually stopped when I answered him.
At the same time I met a wonderful boy from the Center. I had some feelings towards him while I thought mostly of my current crush. I will refer him later as P. When the May came, I began to hate my crush because of his cold treating. I had some feelings to P. during that time, but it wasn't anything big. I began to act arrogantly and coldly around him. He did not respond to this in any manners. I did not though insulted him or anything similar to him. It went like that to the second last Friday before summer vacation.
In that day, I was hanging with my friends from the old class. We had some small talk. My crush and his best friend were sitting in a bench near to us, and they had also some small talk. Crush's friend had a lamp what he had made in the school. Suddenly, he points me with the lamp to my eyes. I notice that and say to him: "Shove that lamp into your ass!". He answered: "I don't want to. It will get dirty." I decided not to answer that wiseass. At the same time I notice how my crush watches me and my friends with despise and hate. Later, when I, my crush, his friend and a random guy from my class were waiting for the teacher, the crush offered some money if I took his job to my home. I answeted him: "Look, I will not carry your shit into my home!". It was very strange from me. I would usually have taken the deal as I am so greedy. After I answered him, he said parodising me "What the fuck? You will fucking take it!" (yes, I swear a lot). I decided then to move away.
Then there was the last school day and when I got a stipend, my teacher told me that she has a letter for me. He asked me : "What is it?". After I explained to him what it is, he watched me with despise. That day was the last day I saw him. I hated him and I was not bothered by his unpresence. I had a crush on P who I met couple of times in the airsoft games, but nowhere else. It was all good until today.
I went on Facebook today and first thing I saw was a new profile picture of his. At the same second, all my feelings towards P was gone as I remembered or realised how cute and nice he was. The picture it self wasn't good, he was standing in a shadow and he had a serious face. Still, it made me to have a crush to him again in couple of seconds.
I don't think I need help or advoce from professionals or my parents. The situation is not very horrivle, even though one side of me tries to force me to have crush on him and another side to P. Third side want's me to forget the crushes and be homophobic. It'll be nice if I could have some tips or advice from you guys.
So, I am a 14 year old homosexual boy who is extremely shy and has some symphtoms of Aspergers. I am a lone person who has not real friends. I live in a small country near a big city. The county is separated to distinctive parts. I live in a town of about 4000 residents. I will refer it from no on as a Town. 10 km south from the Town, there is a bigger town where is the center of the county. I will call it the Center. Between Town and Center there is some countryside. I will refer it simply as Countryside.
My crush is a blond and sporty boy. He is same age as I am. He is little bit shorter and little bit of muscular than I am. He has some friends in my/his class and in the other class. He is very playful and nice, except for his enemies.
So, my story starts from last autumn, when my second degree education started. Because the Countryside does not have a second degree school, they have to go either to the Town or Center. Most pupils went to the Town. The first degree school classes were mixed and organised again with pupils from Countryside. That's how I met my crush. I had previously a crush to another boy, who had changed the school. As I mentioned, I am very shy and I don't meet my friends on my freetime. When autumn came, I already forgot the crush even though I had not yet crush to my current crush.
So, the school started pretty well. I didn't got any friends from my old class to my new class though, but me and the other boys in my class became friends. The boys from my class immediatly got divided into two groups: "Upper class" and "Lower class". Upper class consisted of all the cool guys. I belonged to it first, too. The lower class consisted of kids from special classes. Since my class was not very big, Upper class had 7 boys and lower class only 2. First copule of months it was going pretty well for me. I even sozialised with them for couple of times outside the school.
Luckily, I met through the guys from Countryside of my class Countryside-guys from other classes. When I was with other people, it was usually in a airsoft game. Since games in the town were declining, I began to airsoft with the guys from Countryside. I still go sometimes on their games. The other airsofters in that group sems to be right now only persons who respect me. My crush used to airsoft also, but he stopped for some reason. There are also some guys from the Center but let's talk about that later.
During the first couple of months, the Upper Class had treated me with friendliness, even though I gained a reputation of "quiet guy". After first copule of months, when the guys from the Upper Class began to hang more around their former classmate, I made a horrible mistake. I began to hang around my future crush and his best friends. During the next couple of months I literally followed them everywhere in the school. As my habit was/is, I didn't bother them on freetime. First they accepted my company, or just tolerated it and did not got bothered about it. I wasn't talking with them or anything, I just stood with them and listened to their conversation. Then I also got first the crush. However, when the Christmas began to get closer, they began to avoid me. They runned away from me and hid from me. My crush began to avoid me first. He asked once why I am always smiling when he looks at me. I though realised that he did not know what was going on. He just began to kept my company annoying.
Couple of days before Christmas vacation, when I was eating, I sat down next to my crush and he began to move further from me. He had done it before, but he did not move to other seats and his friend did not followed him or avoided me. When he sat on other seat next to his original seat, I moved next to him. The he moved to the end of the table. I stood up then with my plate and said to them: "If you don't like my company you should have said it!" So, I started to hate him. I was constantly thinking how I could revenge him. I could not get him out of my mind.
While I followed my crush and his friends, my relationships with other Upper Class guys had suffered. They no longer acted friendly towards me. They did not treated me badly, but neutrally. I began then hang more alone and with my former classmates. The hate continued until Easter.
When Easter ended, I noticed that I have a crush on him again. I felt like I was ready to forgive him everything and be friends with him. However, he did hate me still. He did not hid from me but he acted coldly towards me. I coped by hanging with my old class. I was at the same time falling from Upper Class to Lower Class which has received a new member on Christmas. When it was middle of April one Upper Class member began to bully me verbally. Luckily it was not in a big scale. I did not felt I needed to tell about it since it usually stopped when I answered him.
At the same time I met a wonderful boy from the Center. I had some feelings towards him while I thought mostly of my current crush. I will refer him later as P. When the May came, I began to hate my crush because of his cold treating. I had some feelings to P. during that time, but it wasn't anything big. I began to act arrogantly and coldly around him. He did not respond to this in any manners. I did not though insulted him or anything similar to him. It went like that to the second last Friday before summer vacation.
In that day, I was hanging with my friends from the old class. We had some small talk. My crush and his best friend were sitting in a bench near to us, and they had also some small talk. Crush's friend had a lamp what he had made in the school. Suddenly, he points me with the lamp to my eyes. I notice that and say to him: "Shove that lamp into your ass!". He answered: "I don't want to. It will get dirty." I decided not to answer that wiseass. At the same time I notice how my crush watches me and my friends with despise and hate. Later, when I, my crush, his friend and a random guy from my class were waiting for the teacher, the crush offered some money if I took his job to my home. I answeted him: "Look, I will not carry your shit into my home!". It was very strange from me. I would usually have taken the deal as I am so greedy. After I answered him, he said parodising me "What the fuck? You will fucking take it!" (yes, I swear a lot). I decided then to move away.
Then there was the last school day and when I got a stipend, my teacher told me that she has a letter for me. He asked me : "What is it?". After I explained to him what it is, he watched me with despise. That day was the last day I saw him. I hated him and I was not bothered by his unpresence. I had a crush on P who I met couple of times in the airsoft games, but nowhere else. It was all good until today.
I went on Facebook today and first thing I saw was a new profile picture of his. At the same second, all my feelings towards P was gone as I remembered or realised how cute and nice he was. The picture it self wasn't good, he was standing in a shadow and he had a serious face. Still, it made me to have a crush to him again in couple of seconds.
I don't think I need help or advoce from professionals or my parents. The situation is not very horrivle, even though one side of me tries to force me to have crush on him and another side to P. Third side want's me to forget the crushes and be homophobic. It'll be nice if I could have some tips or advice from you guys.