Becoming heartless and insane; I really need help

[Lovelife090994]

HELP! I hear voices yelling at me more. My mind is no longer silent.

I feel crazed and ready to break any moment. I am sitting in my bed miserable and hot from lack of AC and insomnia. I have a crazy feeling of hatred. My mother just left my room after telling me to go back to bed since it's now 5am and I've been up since 4am. She claims I have demonic demons that are keeping me awake. She wants to change my thinking and put me in church.

I want to run and scream. No matter what I do she never approves. I am starting to lose any love I had in my heart left. She doesn't approve of my unbeknowst to her lifestyle. She tries to be loving but comes across as blunt and judgemental. I on the other hand feel as if I am near the end of a downward spiral. I want to scream and thrash but she would only rush in my room and really think I was possesed. The only person I truly love is God but I thought he was less judgemental and his Bible more open than how my mother paints it. I literally don't see a point in living anymore. Don't worry I won't be killing myself anytime soon, I couldn't muster the courage to. I think I am going insane and my depression and madness mixed with my confusion is writhering my heart and freezing it.

I used to want friends and love; now I'm convinced I'm no longer wanting it. I have always been shy and now I seek to avoid people as much as I can. I don't care what people think about me (they probably don't want to know what's in mind.) Life is too confusing, I don't even know how to be me or who "me" is. I don't know my gender and I have no dreams or desires. Hobbies are now becoming stale and I always have creative blocks. I hate nearly everything in my life and I don't care if someone calls me a brat about it. I can't help being an insane neurotic freak. I never asked to be so messed up, but I've had these feelings since I was very young. I was never normal and my family has always came across as judgemental and old fashioned. I'm convinced they don't love me. I'm sure coming out would prove that. But you know, F it; my life will suck anyway. I really do think my once warm sensitive heart will harden until nothing is left and I kind of want it to.

At least alone I'd have no pain and no bliss for other's to take. Maybe going insane isn't so bad. It's keeps people on their toes. Haha, I wonder how it'll feel to have blood dripping down my hands... My vision is blurring with tears. My mind scares me. Maybe I'll get help one day before it's too late. Pray for me. Sorry to waste your time. May you never feel as crazy as I do. But hey, we're all stuck with life right? I guess I didn't deal my cards right, or listen to good things enouhg. Even here all I seem to do is be worthless. Sigh, this is so dark and depressing; to think I wrote this. This'll drag into pages and volumes if I continue. Don't worry, I won't post something this dark again. Hee hee I hope at least. My mind is still wandering and my moods are mixing. I have one bit of life left; it screams (whispers) HELP! Hard to believe I am average and quiet apprearance-wise. I honestly think I'm going insane. Did I bring this on myself by having no friends?

[tbake98]

First. Do something to cool down. Shower, drink something... there's a chance the heat is getting to you...

Second. I can only assume what the main issue is that you're dealing with. And, from what you posted, it seems that your mother - at least - is very God-fearing. You mentioned that you would tell if your family loved you by coming out, correct? Could there be a chance, maybe, that you don't have to - and they already assume as much -- and that's why she is acting that way towards you?

You said that the only person you truly love is God. Do you speak to Him daily? Do you ask him to help you? And, if you do, are you aware of the signs, or things he puts into your life that may help you find the answers you're looking for? If you're wanting to get out of the "darkness" of your mind, try turning your attention to Him, and letting Him bring you out of it. But, if you do love Him, you have to be willing to follow... it'll take time, but you'll get there eventually.

Would it help to have friends? Yes, absolutely. I'm sure it helps to get everything out online - especially in a forum setting, where others (like me) can comment and try to help the best we can -- but, I would think you'd need to have someone with whom you could talk to face-to-face.

These are just ideas I've had after reading your post. They may or may not work, and you may or may not try them... but they're there if you're interested. Hope you find the answers you're wanting.

[Lovelife090994]

First. Do something to cool down. Shower, drink something... there's a chance the heat is getting to you...

Second. I can only assume what the main issue is that you're dealing with. And, from what you posted, it seems that your mother - at least - is very God-fearing. You mentioned that you would tell if your family loved you by coming out, correct? Could there be a chance, maybe, that you don't have to - and they already assume as much -- and that's why she is acting that way towards you?

You said that the only person you truly love is God. Do you speak to Him daily? Do you ask him to help you? And, if you do, are you aware of the signs, or things he puts into your life that may help you find the answers you're looking for? If you're wanting to get out of the "darkness" of your mind, try turning your attention to Him, and letting Him bring you out of it. But, if you do love Him, you have to be willing to follow... it'll take time, but you'll get there eventually.

Would it help to have friends? Yes, absolutely. I'm sure it helps to get everything out online - especially in a forum setting, where others (like me) can comment and try to help the best we can -- but, I would think you'd need to have someone with whom you could talk to face-to-face.

These are just ideas I've had after reading your post. They may or may not work, and you may or may not try them... but they're there if you're interested. Hope you find the answers you're wanting.

I talk to God a lot. Usually asking "why" I'm so messed up and asking him for help. I cooled off and I still feel turmultuous and insane. I really don't have friends or a way to leave much. I am often home alone.

[tbake98]

"Tumultuous and insane"? I'm not sure if you covered that in your first post, but... explain?

And, without getting into a super religious thread, do you just talk to God? Do you let Him talk to you -- meaning, do you read the Bible? Open yourself to Him. And, as hard as it sounds, talk to your mom, talk to someone at church (if you go to one). There are people out there that will help you or be willing to help you find someone that can.

And not being able to leave the house only leads to the problem of not having any friends. Are there people nearby that you could meet/hang out with? Is there anywhere you can be dropped off (like a mall, a bookstore, etc.)? Or, do you like hanging out in public, around other people?

[Lovelife090994]

"Tumultuous and insane"? I'm not sure if you covered that in your first post, but... explain?

And, without getting into a super religious thread, do you just talk to God? Do you let Him talk to you -- meaning, do you read the Bible? Open yourself to Him. And, as hard as it sounds, talk to your mom, talk to someone at church (if you go to one). There are people out there that will help you or be willing to help you find someone that can.


And not being able to leave the house only leads to the problem of not having any friends. Are there people nearby that you could meet/hang out with? Is there anywhere you can be dropped off (like a mall, a bookstore, etc.)? Or, do you like hanging out in public, around other people?

I talk to God and ask him why I feel so alone. I rarely read the Bible. I never liked to, to be honest. I don't have anyone or anywhere to go.

[tbake98]

well, for what it's worth... I would start with reading the Bible. It doesn't have to be much -- just as much as you're comfortable with. Open yourself up to it. That's the important part. And, just go from there.

This is going to be a process, but it'll be totally worth it in the end, if you give it maximum effort.

[Leprous]

Well, there is not much advice I can give you about reading the bible because I'm an atheisy here. But I just want you to know that everyone here wants to help you, and that you can always talk to us.

[Gamma Male]

If things are getting bad, you really just need to talk to your mom and explain to her how you feel. If you're not comfortable talking to her about it or think she won't listen, just talk to someone. Anybody. A school counselor, a therapist, a relative, anyone. Keeping these feelings all bottled up and not talking to anyone won't help.

And don't self harm.

[Lovelife090994]

If things are getting bad, you really just need to talk to your mom and explain to her how you feel. If you're not comfortable talking to her about it or think she won't listen, just talk to someone. Anybody. A school counselor, a therapist, a relative, anyone. Keeping these feelings all bottled up and not talking to anyone won't help.

And don't self harm.

I won't self-harm, but I've no one to talk to and nowhere to go. I can't put all of this on a person I just met either; it'll chase them away.

[ViolinPro]

I've actually been through your feelings, trust me, I know the feelings of insanity and a frozen heart.
Hey, I still don't know myself entirely, I still enjoy seeing new sides of myself, sometimes I'm amazed of how good a person I really am, and sometimes I realize and acknowledge that I also have a very, very dark side to myself. Wether it is genuine or not or the real me I do not know. I still don't know many things, but that's fine isn't it?
You won't lose your love or your dark side, it's always there. It's like two wolves, one is love one is hate. But the one who'll win the fight is the one you feed more.
My mother was not the greatest role model. She caused me many emotional difficulties, but one day I stood up and said, no one will have the right to affect me in any negative way. No one will have the power to make my heart frozen or unfrozen. The power is all within you. My parents are difficult to deal with as well, but deep inside your mom loves you. She has her own issues as does mine.
The golden tips: sport, lots of water, relaxation, meditation, don't sit too much on the computer, go running outside. You'll feel better, guaranteed, no pills or any crap :D