I'm feeling pretty alone in the world.

[Karkat]

Alright, so some backstory on what prompted this thread.

I was browsing Facebook, when one of my semi-Facebook Famous friends (they do communicate with me, but they're a page admin so I'm more like a fan) posted a status about how social media was ruling their life that included: "This all seems meaningless lately; just being on Facebook constantly. Yes, it's an easy way to keep in contact. Know what else is? Calling someone."

Which made me realize an uncomfortable truth about my life.

You know who I can call? My parents, and my boyfriend.

I have a friend or two who might occasionally pick up the phone and talk for a minute or two, but they are too busy for me, and it's obvious.

Which made me kind of depressed, and then, I saw the "send a message" thread. So I kind of started voicing my main complaint...And ended up voicing another, and another, and by the end of it, I just felt so alone. So...Unwanted.

Below are the "messages", and underneath each, I'll give some context.


"1.You say I only irritate the crap out of you when I come to you when I'm frantic and suicidal, but you never talk to me any other time!

I wish we could talk more. You're the one I feel the closest to, you're the one I laugh the most with, can tell everything to. I love you. I mean, you're my best friend.

I just feel kind of snubbed knowing you talk to all these other girls whom you supposedly can't even tell as much to, but leave me in the dust. I'm high-maintenance. I'm stressful. I get it. I just don't get why you have to get my hopes up and then act like we're practically strangers, or like I don't matter."

My best friend. This one. (http://virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?t=208682)

Recently, I got SO disgusted with myself that I went on a self-deprecating rant about myself on a message to him. I got suicidal. This lead to him telling me that I'm an idiot for wanting to kill myself (I know what you're thinking; he does it in a loving way. He doesn't sugarcoat, he doesn't do bullshit, but he's not cruel.), and eventually, he expressed how angry he was with me, and how much of a headache I was giving him. He just gave up. (He'd been up arguing with me for well over four hours by this time.)

He, at one point, told me that I 'only upset him when I was suicidal'. Thing is, when I try to talk to him about anything else, he doesn't respond unless I harp on him for hours. He insists that he still wants me around, and that he doesn't mind talking to him, but his actions seriously tell me otherwise.

He's my best friend. One of the very few people I ever try to talk to. Naturally I'm a little upset.

"2. I feel like I want to cry every time I think about you. This shouldn't be happening. This emotion should not exist for you, because this is the kind of emotion that means things are coming to an end. I don't want things to end."

This one is addressed to my boyfriend. I'm starting to feel like our relationship is falling apart. Or maybe that's just my life. Maybe it's just that my life is falling apart, and it's fairly hard to have a good relationship given the circumstances.

I only ever make him mad, or irritated, or keep him up at night because I'm anxious/depressed/suicidal/drunk/mad at him.

I feel like a fucking chump, because not only do I love him to death, but this is the THIRD TIME I've talked about marriage with someone, only to have it go awry, and the SECOND TIME I've been engaged. Sort of. We're not official, but we are in the process of planning out our wedding. Mostly getting a headache over how poor we are, and how weddings are fucking nightmares to plan, and how it's a good thing we have a few months left until we plan to make it official and get down to business, but still.

I'M 17. WHAT AM I, A MANEATER? THREE TIMES. HOLY FUCK.

It's not like I'm manipulative, or immature, or uncommitted either! I go into these relationships with the intent that I am going to give it my all. I try my hardest to be a good partner, an unselfish lover.

I don't know, maybe I really CAN'T handle a relationship.

I don't want to lose him. We've been together almost a year, and it's mostly been blissful, or at least...Good. Comforting. Refreshing. I don't have to feel miserable or apprehensive when I think about our relationship.

But since I've relapsed? (Alcohol) It's been nothing but misery. We've still had our good moments, but ever since we fought the night I relapsed, I feel like things have changed.

And I feel like I'm slowly growing apart from him, and I have for a while. I hate this.

"3. You get possessive, asking me if I'm "still your best friend", but clearly things have changed between us. Clearly YOU do not feel that I'm your best friend. And that sucks, because you're still up there at the top of the list! Sure, **** is my BEST friend, but that's because he actually communicates with me! It's nothing personal, but life has changed a bit.

I wish we were still gal pals. I really do. But obviously we're turning into "that person I used to be best friends with". I wish I knew why."

My female best friend. We have been close ever since 7th grade, but recently- especially since she's moved out of town, started to find other friends, it seems like I'm the last person to talk to. She kind of acted weird when I hinted at being somewhat bisexual (No, don't get me wrong, I am attracted to both sexes, but I'm not), and she acted pretty strange when I came out to her as bigender as well.

Oh, not to mention that I tried to get her and my guy best friend talking in the hopes that they might hook up, but that horribly backfired on me.

I mean, maybe she's just moving on, and life's going on, and I should grow up and accept it, but it's a little cruel when she still gets upset if I don't refer to her as my best friend.

"4. I feel like a shitty person every time I have problems. I feel terrible for not being able to reach out to you when you tell me "If you ever need anything, I'm here". I just, I don't feel like you are. You'll talk to me for five minutes, then move on with your life.

Why does everyone hate me?"

Every time I've relapsed, or struggled and hinted at being suicidal on Facebook, I've had friends who were close or semi-close in the past say that they were ALWAYS there to talk, etc. That they wanted to be there for me. Or they'd message/text/etc. me.

Yeah, that's great and all, but they all would just stop responding to me immediately after.

Maybe I'm just terrible with maintaining friendships, or maybe I'm antisocial, even, but somehow I don't trust anyone when they say they're "there for me" anymore...

Any advice? I'm at a pretty low point (if you've read my other threads, you know about this to death) right now, and it just seems to continually get worse.

It's literally so bad that I KNOW I'm going through a manic phase, but I don't feel the high. I just feel kind of dead. Annoyingly energetic, but dead. Upset.

[Horatio Nelson]

Once again, I have no wise words, but these things do pass. You said it yourself, it's a "phase". Sometimes life is just a bitch, but you don't give up. Right?

[Hudor]

In this I'm afraid for the first time I can be of no help to you because I feel the same way. In future maybe I'll post a thread related to this as well. My situation would be about the same as you described which makes me feel am i that rotten? Don't i deserve something anything better?

All i can say is just don't give up and keep fighting.

[Karkat]

Once again, I have no wise words, but these things do pass. You said it yourself, it's a "phase". Sometimes life is just a bitch, but you don't give up. Right?

Well, my manic phase is just a phase, but it only adds insult to injury; it's not even the problem here. (Or is it? Am I just losing all of my friends because I'm severely bipolar and they can no longer handle my shit?)

I honestly don't know. I've been fairly friendless/feeling out of place/feeling like I don't belong/feeling like an outsider- you get the picture for about oh, a year and a half? Close to two years, even. This is the thing I've always feared about "adult life". As a kid, it was always my speculation that adults never seemed to just "have friends", that it was rare.

The older I've gotten, the more it's seemed so.

In this I'm afraid for the first time I can be of no help to you because I feel the same way. In future maybe I'll post a thread related to this as well. My situation would be about the same as you described which makes me feel am i that rotten? Don't i deserve something anything better?

All i can say is just don't give up and keep fighting.

God, I can relate to that so much.

You as well. Thank you.

[Horatio Nelson]

Well, my manic phase is just a phase, but it only adds insult to injury; it's not even the problem here. (Or is it? Am I just losing all of my friends because I'm severely bipolar and they can no longer handle my shit?)

I honestly don't know. I've been fairly friendless/feeling out of place/feeling like I don't belong/feeling like an outsider- you get the picture for about oh, a year and a half? Close to two years, even. This is the thing I've always feared about "adult life". As a kid, it was always my speculation that adults never seemed to just "have friends", that it was rare.

The older I've gotten, the more it's seemed so.


I really don't think age has anything to do with good friendships. (plus, you're only 17 :P ) Probably the biggest reason for lack of adult friendships is because they are busier than before.


But their has to be someone that will listen to what you have to say.

[Karkat]

I really don't think age has anything to do with good friendships. (plus, you're only 17 :P ) Probably the biggest reason for lack of adult friendships is because they are busier than before.


But their has to be someone that will listen to what you have to say.

None of the adults I know have friends. They even admit to it.

I'd confront my friends about it, but they'd only deny it further, and I don't know what would happen if I talked to my boyfriend.

In fact, I'm a bit scared to. Which ironically scares me even more.

[Hollywood]

I don't really have anyone either. All of my "friends" have moved on to bigger and better things, or have moved away. I tried to contact my old best friend not long ago and he wouldn't even reply to my message. Sometimes I feel like you do, "am I really that terrible? Do I smell or something, what's wrong with me?" Really I can't even call my parents, because my relationship with both of them is rocky at best, so I have no one at all apart from here, which is why I spend hours and hours a day here. VTers are the only people I know these days, which depresses me sometimes but then I realize that it's far better than nothing at all.

Sorry, I kind of went off topic there. What I'm getting at is that you aren't alone in feeling the way you feel, especially at this point in your life. If these people are so reluctant to pay attention to you, then honestly they're not fit to be your friends anyways. You have issues, just like many people do, but you're a really good person and eventually the right people, the right friends, will come along, and you won't always have to wonder if they're really your friends, you'll know they are.

[Whight]

Well, I don't really have many friends that I can speak as a pro in this, but this is how I see it:

You're too dependent on others. Or at least that's what I've gathered from the bit you wrote.
Whenever something isn't perfect for you, you seek out someone to talk to, to get help, to do anything but tend to it yourself.
But, listen.. It's a bit harsh to say, but we're all alone in this world. And everyone has their own problems to solve and usually when someone is banging on our doors over and over and over again, we get tired and move on.

If you really want things to improve with your friends, you just need to get out of your current mindset entirely. You have to learn to be your own first aid, before you rush out to others. You gotta learn to enjoy the company of your friends without it being crutches for you. A best friend is someone you enjoy most being with - It's not necessarily a person who picks up your tears every day.
You're probably thinking that that is what you want a best friend to be, and that's the whole point of one. But thing is, once you have that fun part, then the other parts naturally comes as well.

But it will never happen if you keep with your current mindset about how it should all go. Because then, at the first hiccup it'll spiral back down and all your hard work will go to waste and you'll feel just as bad as you are now.

So i'm saying: First fix yourself and learn to enjoy being with yourself, working it out with yourself. You probably have a ton of fun qualities, but you let the sadness and depression get first seats to the show. Let those other qualities shine, and just go about your life naturally. With time, you'll rebuild your friendships with those best friends. Not by pushing it to a breaking point and then pushing some more. but by letting go, and letting it run the natural course. If you're best friends I can guarantee soon enough you'll have something awesome to tell him, and he'll have something awesome to tell you and you'll just enjoy being friends again.

As for your boyfriend.. I'm going to be really harsh but... Srsly? A wedding? I know i'm being harsh here but you're 17 man! I mean, I know, I get it. I want to marry my boyfriend too and everything will be majestic and awesome. But I also know that i'm way too young to even consider it and bringing it up is pointless. I mean, you have college soon and people change and grow at our ages. You're only setting yourself to get seriously hurt by pushing it to such measures. It's pretty much a childish dream and a silly way to keep a relationship feeling good and fun.
You don't need it. I know where it's coming from. Once there's an "engagement" it just feels SO much better. But, a real relationship is built on a feeling that you need to do everything and share everything together, and just sort of slowly living a more joined life. The next step for you, if you really want is living together if anything. But don't play silly games like pretend marriage. It's not good for anything.

If you want to connect with your boyfriend once again, just try and do that. Make more of your life joined. Do more stuff together. In a way that feels natural, again.. don't push it and make it fake. I'd also have a chat with him about the marriage thing and say how you'd much rather focus on having fun together and really enjoying eachothers company, than dreaming about some wedding that might never happen. Tell him you just want to do more and be more together.

I'm sorry if I came off really harsh. But I know what it feels like to feel completely alone, and feel like your best friend doesn't want to be with you anymore. But I realized eventually that it was all in my head and my behavior because of those imaginations is what caused it to get even worse.

[Karkat]

I don't really have anyone either. All of my "friends" have moved on to bigger and better things, or have moved away. I tried to contact my old best friend not long ago and he wouldn't even reply to my message. Sometimes I feel like you do, "am I really that terrible? Do I smell or something, what's wrong with me?" Really I can't even call my parents, because my relationship with both of them is rocky at best, so I have no one at all apart from here, which is why I spend hours and hours a day here. VTers are the only people I know these days, which depresses me sometimes but then I realize that it's far better than nothing at all.

Sorry, I kind of went off topic there. What I'm getting at is that you aren't alone in feeling the way you feel, especially at this point in your life. If these people are so reluctant to pay attention to you, then honestly they're not fit to be your friends anyways. You have issues, just like many people do, but you're a really good person and eventually the right people, the right friends, will come along, and you won't always have to wonder if they're really your friends, you'll know they are.

Ahh, bolded is kind of how I feel, except I'm not talkative enough to actually communicate with anyone on here. I just wouldn't know where to start.

The thing is, they've been there for me in the past, even through the hard times. I feel like I'm just starting to become the melodramatic, whiny friend no one wants and I should go fuck off anyways.

Well, I don't really have many friends that I can speak as a pro in this, but this is how I see it:

You're too dependent on others. Or at least that's what I've gathered from the bit you wrote.
Whenever something isn't perfect for you, you seek out someone to talk to, to get help, to do anything but tend to it yourself.
But, listen.. It's a bit harsh to say, but we're all alone in this world. And everyone has their own problems to solve and usually when someone is banging on our doors over and over and over again, we get tired and move on.

If you really want things to improve with your friends, you just need to get out of your current mindset entirely. You have to learn to be your own first aid, before you rush out to others. You gotta learn to enjoy the company of your friends without it being crutches for you. A best friend is someone you enjoy most being with - It's not necessarily a person who picks up your tears every day.
You're probably thinking that that is what you want a best friend to be, and that's the whole point of one. But thing is, once you have that fun part, then the other parts naturally comes as well.

But it will never happen if you keep with your current mindset about how it should all go. Because then, at the first hiccup it'll spiral back down and all your hard work will go to waste and you'll feel just as bad as you are now.

So i'm saying: First fix yourself and learn to enjoy being with yourself, working it out with yourself. You probably have a ton of fun qualities, but you let the sadness and depression get first seats to the show. Let those other qualities shine, and just go about your life naturally. With time, you'll rebuild your friendships with those best friends. Not by pushing it to a breaking point and then pushing some more. but by letting go, and letting it run the natural course. If you're best friends I can guarantee soon enough you'll have something awesome to tell him, and he'll have something awesome to tell you and you'll just enjoy being friends again.

As for your boyfriend.. I'm going to be really harsh but... Srsly? A wedding? I know i'm being harsh here but you're 17 man! I mean, I know, I get it. I want to marry my boyfriend too and everything will be majestic and awesome. But I also know that i'm way too young to even consider it and bringing it up is pointless. I mean, you have college soon and people change and grow at our ages. You're only setting yourself to get seriously hurt by pushing it to such measures. It's pretty much a childish dream and a silly way to keep a relationship feeling good and fun.
You don't need it. I know where it's coming from. Once there's an "engagement" it just feels SO much better. But, a real relationship is built on a feeling that you need to do everything and share everything together, and just sort of slowly living a more joined life. The next step for you, if you really want is living together if anything. But don't play silly games like pretend marriage. It's not good for anything.

If you want to connect with your boyfriend once again, just try and do that. Make more of your life joined. Do more stuff together. In a way that feels natural, again.. don't push it and make it fake. I'd also have a chat with him about the marriage thing and say how you'd much rather focus on having fun together and really enjoying eachothers company, than dreaming about some wedding that might never happen. Tell him you just want to do more and be more together.

I'm sorry if I came off really harsh. But I know what it feels like to feel completely alone, and feel like your best friend doesn't want to be with you anymore. But I realized eventually that it was all in my head and my behavior because of those imaginations is what caused it to get even worse.

I know I'm codependent. But it's a little hard not to be when you just suck at life.

Maybe I should just become a hermit; it's impossible to "fix myself". I'm bipolar. Short of therapy I'm clearly never going to receive, and medications that don't work very well for me, this is it. This is how I'm going to be for the rest of my life.

Hah? College? You kidding me? College is the unrealistic goal here, not a wedding. If college seems more realistic to you than marriage, clearly neither is ever going to happen in my life.

When you're poor and stupid, you don't think about college, you stress out about what bullshit job you're going to go into next, and hope to god you don't have to get others on top of it.

And yes, we are planning on living together, but I feel like I can pretty much kiss our relationship goodbye anyways. I'll just die in a corner of my parents home feeling sorry for myself because I suck at maintaining literally every type of relationship and I'm a melodramatic piece of shit.

[Whight]

I know I'm codependent. But it's a little hard not to be when you just suck at life.

Maybe I should just become a hermit; it's impossible to "fix myself". I'm bipolar. Short of therapy I'm clearly never going to receive, and medications that don't work very well for me, this is it. This is how I'm going to be for the rest of my life.

Hah? College? You kidding me? College is the unrealistic goal here, not a wedding. If college seems more realistic to you than marriage, clearly neither is ever going to happen in my life.

When you're poor and stupid, you don't think about college, you stress out about what bullshit job you're going to go into next, and hope to god you don't have to get others on top of it.

And yes, we are planning on living together, but I feel like I can pretty much kiss our relationship goodbye anyways. I'll just die in a corner of my parents home feeling sorry for myself because I suck at maintaining literally every type of relationship and I'm a melodramatic piece of shit.

Dude. Why are you so hard on yourself?
All i'm reading are excuses on life. You wanted advice, didn't you? You have to STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF. We all have our shit to get through and have a tough life. The successful and happy people are the ones that fight to survive and do better.
You want to do better, right? I know you feel you have an illness. But you can treat it. But you need to want it. You need to really want to be and do better, on a personal level.

Why do you think you're stupid? Why do you think you can't fix yourself? Why do you insist that you suck at life?

Honestly, I just think you don't really want to do better. It's easier to never try, because then you don't fail and don't have to work hard, etc.

[Karkat]

Dude. Why are you so hard on yourself?
All i'm reading are excuses on life. You wanted advice, didn't you? You have to STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF. We all have our shit to get through and have a tough life. The successful and happy people are the ones that fight to survive and do better.
You want to do better, right? I know you feel you have an illness. But you can treat it. But you need to want it. You need to really want to be and do better, on a personal level.

Why do you think you're stupid? Why do you think you can't fix yourself? Why do you insist that you suck at life?

Honestly, I just think you don't really want to do better. It's easier to never try, because then you don't fail and don't have to work hard, etc.

And maybe I don't want to do better. However, considering the fact that every suicide attempt I've put into motion failed (obviously) I pretty much only have the option to either continue trying to end my life, or wish it was better. I hardly think anyone truly wants to be in pain.