Wow, I just, I can't do it anymore.

[Karkat]

I almost feel like I should get it over with so you'll stop having to hear these stupid, self-absorbed posts.

I read an article tonight on how angry people commit violent crime

How violent people become killers

How this sweet little old woman was driven to STAB someone because she was angry over him over a relatively mild thing

And I got to thinking "Oh god, this is where I'm headed". I watched a video on Upworthy once about domestic violence, and I was so paranoid through it all, thinking "I'm going to hurt and kill my boyfriend" or "my boyfriend is going to hurt and kill me"

I know we OCD people can have obsessive violent thoughts, and that we're the LEAST likely to act out on them, but I'm a very angry person! I can get vicious, violent when I'm angry! I need to end this before I end up hurting someone! I feel like the more and more my life goes on, I keep finding terrifying, logical, very convincing reasons to kill myself, and this one just takes the cake for me, because if I ever hurt anyone, I'd have to kill myself. I wouldn't be able to live with the guilt and pain. I might as well get it over with and spare whichever poor soul crosses me at the wrong time.

I'm sorry guys. I don't know what else to do. I'm so scared.

[Leprous]

First of all, don't be sorry for posting this, because we are here to help you. Please don't end your life, that would only hurt everyone who cares about you. I suggest you should see a doctor about this, he/she may be able to help you more then me. But please don't say you're going to end it, it's not worth it, trust me. I'm sure everything will be allright and it's good of you you made a post here to get help. I really hope you'll be fine. Please remember that everyone here is there for you, and that we will help.

[Karkat]

First of all, don't be sorry for posting this, because we are here to help you. Please don't end your life, that would only hurt everyone who cares about you. I suggest you should see a doctor about this, he/she may be able to help you more then me. But please don't say you're going to end it, it's not worth it, trust me. I'm sure everything will be allright and it's good of you you made a post here to get help. I really hope you'll be fine. Please remember that everyone here is there for you, and that we will help.

I can't see a doctor though, what if it's too late? We're trying to set me up with a psychiatrist, but that will take months here. Even then, I can't admit to these feelings. I can't get the help I need without being institutionalized, and that can't happen.

I just don't understand why everything keeps pointing to "Go kill yourself" if I'm meant to live.

[Leprous]

There is always hope, I'm sure you can and will tell the psychiatrist everything, you'll have to. We are all there for you to help, I want you to remember that. We will keep on supporting you whenever you need it. I really hope you'll be fine, I really do. I have been there, and suicide doesn't solve anything. Trust me.

[Karkat]

There is always hope, I'm sure you can and will tell the psychiatrist everything, you'll have to. We are all there for you to help, I want you to remember that. We will keep on supporting you whenever you need it. I really hope you'll be fine, I really do. I have been there, and suicide doesn't solve anything. Trust me.

I've survived many suicide attempts as well as other things I shouldn't've survived, but I can't sleep at night knowing I could just snap and do god knows what out of nowhere

I can't live with myself

[Leprous]

Look, I know it's hard to believe right now but allot of people care about you, we don't wanna loose you, I barely even know you and I'm already sure you're an awesome person and a great friend. Please believe this, because it's true. Suicide is never the answer, and it never will be. Please, just believe me when I say that people do care about you, and that you can't do this.

[Karkat]

Look, I know it's hard to believe right now but allot of people care about you, we don't wanna loose you, I barely even know you and I'm already sure you're an awesome person and a great friend. Please believe this, because it's true. Suicide is never the answer, and it never will be. Please, just believe me when I say that people do care about you, and that you can't do this.

You're right, I am literally physically incapable of doing this. I'm still alive after all these attempts, why on earth do I always think the next time is going to be different?

[Leprous]

You're right, I am literally physically incapable of doing this. I'm still alive after all these attempts, why on earth do I always think the next time is going to be different?

Can you please make me a promise? One that means allot to me. Can you go to the no suicide pledge thread and sign it? It would mean allot to me, and I hope you'll feel better and keep up to that promise. Nobody here wanst to loose you, nor do I.

[Karkat]

Can you please make me a promise? One that means allot to me. Can you go to the no suicide pledge thread and sign it? It would mean allot to me, and I hope you'll feel better and keep up to that promise. Nobody here wanst to loose you, nor do I.

Honestly, I've seen that thread ever since I've been a member of this site, and I've avoided it like the plague. Regardless of if I actually die, I know I'll attempt again, and if I attempt and live, my inclusion to that list will be just another thing to bring me down

[Leprous]

Look, if you won't post on it, okay. But you need to stop your suicide attempts, please. It only makes things worse, so you have to stop that.

[Karkat]

Look, if you won't post on it, okay. But you need to stop your suicide attempts, please. It only makes things worse, so you have to stop that.

I honestly don't know how much I've got left as it is. My life is at an all-time low, and it can only get worse.

[Leprous]

It will get better, and I'm sure of that, you just need to believe in yourself. Don't try suicide, it will only make things worse. Go for a jog, lay down with some relaxing music. Just try anything so you put your thoughts somewhere else.

[Karkat]

It will get better, and I'm sure of that, you just need to believe in yourself. Don't try suicide, it will only make things worse. Go for a jog, lay down with some relaxing music. Just try anything so you put your thoughts somewhere else.

The only way my life could get better right now is if I had some cigarettes, a few drinks.

[Leprous]

No, that is a very bad thing to do. Look, you need to get your thoughts somewhere else in a healthy way, not by smoking or drinking, those 2 are bad things to do. You really need to get your thoughts somewhere else right now. Especially away from your suicidal thoughts, even if it's temporarily, you should think about other stuff for now. Everyone here is there for you, and nobody wants anything to happen to you. So just try to relax a bit, watch a movie, read a book, just do something healthy wich will get rid of those bad thoughts for a while, that is all the advice I have for you right now.

[Hudor]

The only way my life could get better right now is if I had some cigarettes, a few drinks.

No! Cigarettes and drinks can only delay the depression besides drinking is only gonna cause you more worry and guilt afterwards. What you need to do is deal with life and take the steering wheel back into your hands.

I know you are an awesome photographer. Take your camera and get outside to take some snaps. The world is full of interesting things which lie unnoticed. Try to find them. Try to capture them with your lens.

Laugh as hard as you can and keep laughing until your eyes water up and your stomach hurts.

I just came to know you're an awesome singer as well. Sing songs you like or those you find ridiculous or the ones which make you double up in laughter and post them here!

As marb121 said we are all here for you. Talk to us and feel free to PM me any time.

[Karkat]

No, that is a very bad thing to do. Look, you need to get your thoughts somewhere else in a healthy way, not by smoking or drinking, those 2 are bad things to do. You really need to get your thoughts somewhere else right now. Especially away from your suicidal thoughts, even if it's temporarily, you should think about other stuff for now. Everyone here is there for you, and nobody wants anything to happen to you. So just try to relax a bit, watch a movie, read a book, just do something healthy wich will get rid of those bad thoughts for a while, that is all the advice I have for you right now.

It's not like I haven't already messed up my body enough.

I'm pretty much not permitted to relax. My parents like making sure that they can provide the most stressful environment possible, my friends are all mad at me, and I've been struggling with severe anxiety the last few days. I'm just hopeless.

No! Cigarettes and drinks can only delay the depression besides drinking is only gonna cause you more worry and guilt afterwards. What you need to do is deal with life and take the steering wheel back into your hands.

I know you are an awesome photographer. Take your camera and get outside to take some snaps. The world is full of interesting things which lie unnoticed. Try to find them. Try to capture them with your lens.

Laugh as hard as you can and keep laughing until your eyes water up and your stomach hurts.

I just came to know you're an awesome singer as well. Sing songs you like or those you find ridiculous or the ones which make you double up in laughter and post them here!

As marb121 said we are all here for you. Talk to us and feel free to PM me any time.

Oh I'm practically done feeling guilty. I just want booze again. I'm turning back into my old self, but instead of hating it, I've just stopped caring.

I'm pretty much trapped in my house, so photography is not a likely option, and as far as singing goes, I'm getting to the point where I can't watch past videos without getting extremely aggravated. My voice is so shrill and nasal and irritating. It's like nails on a chalkboard.

[Leprous]

Look, there is a reason I have commented to much on this, to help you. To save you. We are all there for you on VT, you can't PM me (100 post thingy) but you can PM other people like Placid Pan. Every single one of us here wants to help, and nobody wants to loose you. You gotta be strong, stronger than you've ever been before. And you'll see, everything will be alright. Just be strong, for your own health and safety, and for us, for all of us.

[Horatio Nelson]

Ren, you can't think that bull.

Feelings come and go, you can't let them take control of you.

I don't want to be harsh, (but sometimes some harshness is necessary) but suicide seems so cowardly. Why would you want to cause your family and friends so much grieif just because you are having a tough time. You have to keep fighting, never quit.

....Just, please reach out to someone, anyone. Let them talk to you and tell you why you are so important.

[Karkat]

Look, there is a reason I have commented to much on this, to help you. To save you. We are all there for you on VT, you can't PM me (100 post thingy) but you can PM other people like Placid Pan. Every single one of us here wants to help, and nobody wants to loose you. You gotta be strong, stronger than you've ever been before. And you'll see, everything will be alright. Just be strong, for your own health and safety, and for us, for all of us.

I just feel out of control of my life. It's like life keeps holding me down and kicking me in the face, and the only thing I can do is take it. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Ren, you can't think that bull.

Feelings come and go, you can't let them take control of you.

I don't want to be harsh, (but sometimes some harshness is necessary) but suicide seems so cowardly. Why would you want to cause your family and friends so much grieif just because you are having a tough time. You have to keep fighting, never quit.

....Just, please reach out to someone, anyone. Let them talk to you and tell you why you are so important.

Honestly? Most of my friends and family don't care that much about me anymore, and the ones that do I'd rather stop hurting. I know that it's cowardly, I know that it's selfish, but honestly, the only place I have in life at the moment is to not devastate a few people by not dying, to do a measly amount of housework to keep my parents appeased, to go through the motions of being a significant other.

I'm not even living for myself anymore. There's nothing for me in life to live for.

[Horatio Nelson]

Honestly? Most of my friends and family don't care that much about me anymore, and the ones that do I'd rather stop hurting. I know that it's cowardly, I know that it's selfish, but honestly, the only place I have in life at the moment is to not devastate a few people by not dying, to do a measly amount of housework to keep my parents appeased, to go through the motions of being a significant other.

I'm not even living for myself anymore. There's nothing for me in life to live for.

Okay, okay.

You can't be serious about having nothing to live for. Not even something small and insignificant like feeling the warm sun everyday?

Wouldn't you miss that?

You just have to dig deep and trudge through until the metaphorical storm passes.

[Karkat]

Okay, okay.

You can't be serious about having nothing to live for. Not even something small and insignificant like feeling the warm sun everyday?

Wouldn't you miss that?

You just have to dig deep and trudge through until the metaphorical storm passes.

I hardly ever go outside. I mean, I do love that feeling, but it's hard to hang on to the little things when everything is going wrong.

[Hudor]

I just feel out of control of my life. It's like life keeps holding me down and kicking me in the face, and the only thing I can do is take it. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Honestly? Most of my friends and family don't care that much about me anymore, and the ones that do I'd rather stop hurting. I know that it's cowardly, I know that it's selfish, but honestly, the only place I have in life at the moment is to not devastate a few people by not dying, to do a measly amount of housework to keep my parents appeased, to go through the motions of being a significant other.

I'm not even living for myself anymore. There's nothing for me in life to live for.

No there is something for you in life and that is the future.
How could you know what the future has in stock for you? right now as i see it you are like a train without brakes fuelled by negativity. You are going more and more down.
Even though its just a phase don't wait for it to pass, MAKE it pass.
Ask yourself why you actually feel depressed and if you can help/rectify it. If you can leave no stones upturned in doing that and if its out of your control accept it as that and leave it because you cant do anything about it any ways. Heck if nothing helps just laugh at this uber-passionate person called Aditya who is determined to make a dick of himself or probably establish himself as a psychiatrist.

[Miserabilia]

Hey.
You'll get through this.
We can all eventualy.
This is not you thinking, it's a part of you, out of your controll.

[Karkat]

No there is something for you in life and that is the future.
How could you know what the future has in stock for you? right now as i see it you are like a train without brakes fuelled by negativity. You are going more and more down.
Even though its just a phase don't wait for it to pass, MAKE it pass.
Ask yourself why you actually feel depressed and if you can help/rectify it. If you can leave no stones upturned in doing that and if its out of your control accept it as that and leave it because you cant do anything about it any ways. Heck if nothing helps just laugh at this uber-passionate person called Aditya who is determined to make a dick of himself or probably establish himself as a psychiatrist.

I'm bipolar. Even on medication, I still experience extreme highs and lows. :/ My friends, my boyfriend, they can hardly stand me anymore, my physical health is awful- as much as I'd love to just jump up and go apply for jobs, or who knows, my circumstances don't allow me. Plus, it's summer. I'm just perpetually stuck en la casa.

I can't do school, I can't focus on work, I can't try to get my learner's permit, it's all way too hard for me right now. Even simple chores terrify me, but my mom won't ease up, which makes it even worse.

Hey.
You'll get through this.
We can all eventualy.
This is not you thinking, it's a part of you, out of your controll.

I hope so. :(

[Hudor]

I'm bipolar. Even on medication, I still experience extreme highs and lows. :/ My friends, my boyfriend, they can hardly stand me anymore, my physical health is awful- as much as I'd love to just jump up and go apply for jobs, or who knows, my circumstances don't allow me. Plus, it's summer. I'm just perpetually stuck en la casa.


Listen I know saying things is not as easy as implementing them and i know half of what we say out here sounds impractical to you, after all you're the best judge for your situation but you simply have to stop the negativity, there is no other way round for it. And i think it is largely your own mindset that is the problem (sorry if that sounds harsh but i think it's true).

As dedicated as your bf and best friend seem to be i don't think they can be having a problem standing you.

Just take a chill pill and relax.

[Karkat]

Listen I know saying things is not as easy as implementing them and i know half of what we say out here sounds impractical to you, after all you're the best judge for your situation but you simply have to stop the negativity, there is no other way round for it. And i think it is largely your own mindset that is the problem (sorry if that sounds harsh but i think it's true).

As dedicated as your bf and best friend seem to be i don't think they can be having a problem standing you.

Just take a chill pill and relax.

I don't think you understand how impossible that is for me. I've tried repeatedly to be positive this year, and it's only resulted in a more devastating blow every time I get knocked down. What's the point of feeling positive when there's hardly a thing in your life to feel positive about?

I'm to the point where I literally can't see my life getting any better. I literally see no future for myself. It's just a bunch of haze.

[Hudor]

I don't think you understand how impossible that is for me. I've tried repeatedly to be positive this year, and it's only resulted in a more devastating blow every time I get knocked down. What's the point of feeling positive when there's hardly a thing in your life to feel positive about?

I'm to the point where I literally can't see my life getting any better. I literally see no future for myself. It's just a bunch of haze.

frankly I don't but I trust you. Just relax, sort of hang around low-key, if positivity seems unattainable at least don't let negativity wrap itself around you by idk stowing away your feelings for a while and leaving judgement for later? Life can be bad i k but its got to improve some day and i'm sure you'll have a wonderful future you'll just have to wait. i know i sound too idealistic and cliché saying that but that is the truth

[Karkat]

frankly I don't but I trust you. Just relax, sort of hang around low-key, if positivity seems unattainable at least don't let negativity wrap itself around you by idk stowing away your feelings for a while and leaving judgement for later? Life can be bad i k but its got to improve some day and i'm sure you'll have a wonderful future you'll just have to wait. i know i sound too idealistic and cliché saying that but that is the truth

I just don't know how to let it NOT get to me. I don't see any possible way I'll have a future- I doubt I'll graduate high school. College is a totally unattainable dream. I probably won't end up staying with my boyfriend too much longer, and if we're done? I'm done. I'm not going to put myself out there again, I'm simply going to have to deal with being alone. I won't have kids, I won't get married if we can't make it work. My health is shit, so I may never be able to work a job again. I've relapsed back into alcoholism, self-harm, smoking, I've been abusing every substance I can get my hands on, and if I was offered hard drugs, you'd bet I'd take them. My bipolar is getting worse. The fact that I can't even manage to kill myself even sits here in front of me, mocking me! I can't even manage to tie a ligature tight enough to kill myself.

What does that leave me, even?

[Microcosm]

I just feel out of control of my life. It's like life keeps holding me down and kicking me in the face, and the only thing I can do is take it. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I know this is extremely cheesy, but your comment here reminded me of a wonderful quote from Arnold Schwarzenegger:
"It's not about how many times you can hit. It's about how many times you can get hit, and keep moving forward."

Your life is going to beat you down until you're numb but it makes you tough as nails in the end.
Appreciate every opportunity you get to change your life or to do something amazing.
You can do this. You can make it through this and when you get a bit older and you have fought through all this. Maybe you could get
your own job and apartment. I believe you can do this. Don't let yourself go just yet.

[TheAwesomeCoder]

Yea when my dad makes me very ANGERY I just feel like going to the kitchen and get a knife the stab him but I can't because I don't want to

[Karkat]

I know this is extremely cheesy, but your comment here reminded me of a wonderful quote from Arnold Schwarzenegger:
"It's not about how many times you can hit. It's about how many times you can get hit, and keep moving forward."

Your life is going to beat you down until you're numb but it makes you tough as nails in the end.
Appreciate every opportunity you get to change your life or to do something amazing.
You can do this. You can make it through this and when you get a bit older and you have fought through all this. Maybe you could get
your own job and apartment. I believe you can do this. Don't let yourself go just yet.

I held my own job for a year, but my physical and mental illnesses made it impossible to do anything for longer than that- frankly, I'm surprised I made it a year.

Ahh I don't want to be strong though. I'll take being relatively happy.

Yea when my dad makes me very ANGERY I just feel like going to the kitchen and get a knife the stab him but I can't because I don't want to

...You should probably keep those emotions in check.

[TheAwesomeCoder]

I held my own job for a year, but my physical and mental illnesses made it impossible to do anything for longer than that- frankly, I'm surprised I made it a year.

Ahh I don't want to be strong though. I'll take being relatively happy.



...You should probably keep those emotions in check.
Yea._.

[Hudor]

I just don't know how to let it NOT get to me. I don't see any possible way I'll have a future- I doubt I'll graduate high school. College is a totally unattainable dream. I probably won't end up staying with my boyfriend too much longer, and if we're done? I'm done. I'm not going to put myself out there again, I'm simply going to have to deal with being alone. I won't have kids, I won't get married if we can't make it work. My health is shit, so I may never be able to work a job again. I've relapsed back into alcoholism, self-harm, smoking, I've been abusing every substance I can get my hands on, and if I was offered hard drugs, you'd bet I'd take them. My bipolar is getting worse. The fact that I can't even manage to kill myself even sits here in front of me, mocking me! I can't even manage to tie a ligature tight enough to kill myself.

What does that leave me, even?

Just don't do anything 'too' rash okay? Killing yourself won't solve the problem and deep down you know that too. i know you only through VT and you've made some awesome contributions here. it's like strewn gold nuggets around the site. the reason your bf and other people care for you is you not your problems. Life is not all about school, college, job etc. You can't get happiness at a specific destination it lies in the pit-stops along the way as you mentioned and what i personally refer to as milestones. You have to remain yourself and let life take care of itself because worrying about it wouldn't help anyways. Just focus on the pit stops for now and you'll be happier.

[Karkat]

Just don't do anything 'too' rash okay? Killing yourself won't solve the problem and deep down you know that too. This is too short ik but I'll be back with some thing better soon.

I hardly think I'd manage to successfully kill myself even if I tried.

[Hundred Spirited God]

you can live for jentzen,he still loves you

[Karkat]

you can live for jentzen,he still loves you

Yes, he does. I'm in a lot better of a place than when I wrote this, don't worry too much.