TheLoneWolf
June 13th, 2014, 05:44 PM
I've been pretending basically all my life.
Pretending I'm happy, excited, funny or whatever you can think of. I've been struggeling with so many things for so long.
I just can't keep up the happy face anymore.
I signed up on this website to get some support, but even on here I've only been posting happy things. This is probably going to be a long, long story, but I'd really appreciate a reaction!
First let me make some things clear for you to help understand the situation.
-My parents divoreced when I was about two years old. Until 1 year ago I never really had a problem with this, I actually used to think everyone's parents lived seperatly!
-My four your old brother got diagnosed with cancer little over 2 years ago. He's healthy again now, but it was the worst period of my life.
-I've always been a 'trouble child'. As long as I can remember my mom has always tried to find a 'solution' for me.
-I've always found it very difficult to express my feelings, so whenever things get too much my feelings will explode and I'll get extremely angry and sad.
-In primary school I got pretty good marks, I guess you could say I'm rather smart. But now, in secondary school it's just all... Hmmm... Not so good.
-I suck at sleeping, I only sleep like 4-5 hours a night
-My mom is a social worker, over the past 10 years she 'diagnosed' me with: ADHD, ADD and Aspergers. Yea, not quite what you'd want your child to be...
The biggest problem is, I don't know what my problem is!
I just feel sad and unhappy but I do not really know why. Sure, I do awesome things in my life.
I own a lovely horse, I've got the most loving dog in the world ever, my pet rats are amazing, my brother is still alive, I can still visit my father, I've got some really cool friends, but something is just not going right!
An overall sad feeling is just killing all happiness inside me.
I have a lot of OCD signs, at least in my opinion. I have to touch things 'just right' or the muscles in my shoulder and face will flex for just a sec.
If I do not touch things the correct way I can't stop thinking about it. It's not like I feel like something bad is going to happen, I just can't not do it!
I do weird things with my hands all the time, it has to be done in a certain way or my muscles will flex again.
I find a lot of 'normal' things weird or disguisting.
I've got some really irrational fears like boats and loads of other stuff. I do not mind standing on a boat, but whenever I even think of the screw or the backside of a boat I'm getting a little panick attack. (Even now, when just typing this).
Whenever I get really mad (I only get mad with my mom in that way, it doesn't happen with any other person) I hurt myself.
I do not cut myself but I pinch my nails into my arm until it can't feel my hand anymore. If that doesn't help I smash my legs or my head.
And if that doesn't help I'll just start pulling out my hair.
I do these things to get out of the angry state of mind.
If I'm in the angry state of mind I could actually kill myself. I once took an overdose of sleeping pills. Not enough though, I just had to threw up like four times...
Whenever I'm around my friends I just feel like I'm different. I notice things they don't notice, and I see things totally different.
They call me a psychopath all the time. They say my thoughts are really weird and that I should go to a mental hospital. Of course it's a joke, but they don't just come up with that stuff for nothing.
The way I'm living right now is just not right anymore.
I do not dare to tell my mom about my problems, just because she always laughs it off...
My dad is not really an emotional support for me.
In his family (he has a new girlfriend, he has two children with her) I've always felt like I've been in second place. Whenever I'm having a rough time with my mom I may not come to him. I may call him, but no visit him.
I lived with my dad for nearly a year when I had to go back to my mom because my brother got cancer. It was too much if they had to take care of
me too.
I worry about losing a loved one a lot. I think about my dog dying, my rats dying, my horse dying, in my mind everyone's always dying!
Whenever I do something, I can 'see' it go wrong in my head with all the details. If I get up from my chair, walk to my teacher and go back again, I imagine how that could have gone wrong. How I could have tripped, hit my head on the table and die.
Basically I just don't know what to do. I feel like dying sometimes, but not killing myself.
If I would get shot right now and die, I wouldn't care. I wouldn't care if I'd die.
I really do not know what to do.
I'm sorry for the extremely long stroy, I'd like to thank you very much for reading this!
Pretending I'm happy, excited, funny or whatever you can think of. I've been struggeling with so many things for so long.
I just can't keep up the happy face anymore.
I signed up on this website to get some support, but even on here I've only been posting happy things. This is probably going to be a long, long story, but I'd really appreciate a reaction!
First let me make some things clear for you to help understand the situation.
-My parents divoreced when I was about two years old. Until 1 year ago I never really had a problem with this, I actually used to think everyone's parents lived seperatly!
-My four your old brother got diagnosed with cancer little over 2 years ago. He's healthy again now, but it was the worst period of my life.
-I've always been a 'trouble child'. As long as I can remember my mom has always tried to find a 'solution' for me.
-I've always found it very difficult to express my feelings, so whenever things get too much my feelings will explode and I'll get extremely angry and sad.
-In primary school I got pretty good marks, I guess you could say I'm rather smart. But now, in secondary school it's just all... Hmmm... Not so good.
-I suck at sleeping, I only sleep like 4-5 hours a night
-My mom is a social worker, over the past 10 years she 'diagnosed' me with: ADHD, ADD and Aspergers. Yea, not quite what you'd want your child to be...
The biggest problem is, I don't know what my problem is!
I just feel sad and unhappy but I do not really know why. Sure, I do awesome things in my life.
I own a lovely horse, I've got the most loving dog in the world ever, my pet rats are amazing, my brother is still alive, I can still visit my father, I've got some really cool friends, but something is just not going right!
An overall sad feeling is just killing all happiness inside me.
I have a lot of OCD signs, at least in my opinion. I have to touch things 'just right' or the muscles in my shoulder and face will flex for just a sec.
If I do not touch things the correct way I can't stop thinking about it. It's not like I feel like something bad is going to happen, I just can't not do it!
I do weird things with my hands all the time, it has to be done in a certain way or my muscles will flex again.
I find a lot of 'normal' things weird or disguisting.
I've got some really irrational fears like boats and loads of other stuff. I do not mind standing on a boat, but whenever I even think of the screw or the backside of a boat I'm getting a little panick attack. (Even now, when just typing this).
Whenever I get really mad (I only get mad with my mom in that way, it doesn't happen with any other person) I hurt myself.
I do not cut myself but I pinch my nails into my arm until it can't feel my hand anymore. If that doesn't help I smash my legs or my head.
And if that doesn't help I'll just start pulling out my hair.
I do these things to get out of the angry state of mind.
If I'm in the angry state of mind I could actually kill myself. I once took an overdose of sleeping pills. Not enough though, I just had to threw up like four times...
Whenever I'm around my friends I just feel like I'm different. I notice things they don't notice, and I see things totally different.
They call me a psychopath all the time. They say my thoughts are really weird and that I should go to a mental hospital. Of course it's a joke, but they don't just come up with that stuff for nothing.
The way I'm living right now is just not right anymore.
I do not dare to tell my mom about my problems, just because she always laughs it off...
My dad is not really an emotional support for me.
In his family (he has a new girlfriend, he has two children with her) I've always felt like I've been in second place. Whenever I'm having a rough time with my mom I may not come to him. I may call him, but no visit him.
I lived with my dad for nearly a year when I had to go back to my mom because my brother got cancer. It was too much if they had to take care of
me too.
I worry about losing a loved one a lot. I think about my dog dying, my rats dying, my horse dying, in my mind everyone's always dying!
Whenever I do something, I can 'see' it go wrong in my head with all the details. If I get up from my chair, walk to my teacher and go back again, I imagine how that could have gone wrong. How I could have tripped, hit my head on the table and die.
Basically I just don't know what to do. I feel like dying sometimes, but not killing myself.
If I would get shot right now and die, I wouldn't care. I wouldn't care if I'd die.
I really do not know what to do.
I'm sorry for the extremely long stroy, I'd like to thank you very much for reading this!