It's all getting too much for me.

[Leprous]

Alright, I'm not sure how to start this but I'll just try.
All my problems started 4 years ago, one of my best friends started acting different towards me, he was way more hostile then usual. Not long after he started changing, he started punching me a few times every day, at first it wasn't very painfull, but it got worse. He kept on doing this for 2 years, untill I finally got the courage to do something to him, and then, he went to his parents, who went to the school, who both went to me and my other best friends mom (he knew about this aswell). The guy's mom started blaming me for everything, the school remained rather neutral but in the end I got the blame. After that, it was done, we ignored eachother and just went our own ways.
Those events had a great impact on me though, I changed, I became a monster. It makes me sick just to think about the things I've done to people. Everything started getting better at the start of this school year: completely new class, stayed with my bedt friend allot, liked the people on my class.
I'm a gamer, and I have online friends who I care about more then people in my school. I found out my best (online) friends are all suicidal, I helped them out, saved them from committing suicide quite allot, but this got me allot of stress and anxiety, and I changed again.
I was becoming more brutal yet again, but not as bad as before. This time I got my lofe together rather easily and everything was fine.
In January our class went on a 5 day school trip where we had to stay with French speaking.families, and I loved it there, when I got back, I was so happy to tell my parents about the things we had done there. When I saw my dad, I knew something was wrong.
My grandfather was diagnosed with loung cancer, and he wouldn't live another month.
I remember saying goodbye to him, telling him things would be alright (he was a little sick when I left).
He died 3 days after I got hom, and I never saw him again. And, I locked my emotions up, I dodn't crie untill the funeral, and after that, I still felt horrible. I got bullied again, I started self harming, and I still do. He passed away avout 5 months ago now, and everything is just getting too much, I'm loosing sleep, I'm not enjoying playing the piano anymore, wich is something I loved doing.
My parents aren't helping either, they always blame me for everything I do, saying there's nothing I can do right. I'm having allot of fights with them aswell, wich make me feel bad.
I'm loosing sleep every night, when I wake up, I'm feeling worse and worse.
I'm also getting laughed at, people call me ugly, that laugh at me because I never had a girl/boyfriend before, and I'm feeling lonely. I lost all of my self esteem, and I'm afraid to express my feelings.
I just thought posting this would make me feel relieved to finally tell people what happened to me.
I just don't know what to do anymore, I don't think about suicide, but may soon because everything is just getting worse every day.
Thanks for reading.
-Bram

[Living For Love]

Sorry for what happened with your grandfather. You know, despite you consider yourself "violent", I guess that's a natural reaction of yours after what happened with your "friend", so you shouldn't blame yourself. I think you're really a good person, because you said you cared a lot about your online friends, which is really great.

About the bullying, I think you should just try to ignore those people and stick close to the ones you think like you a bit more. We all go through that kind of experience, whether we're really popular or not, so try to find a coping method that suits you. Self harm is never a good thing to do, but I'm not here to judge you, I just want you to cope with your problems in the best way.

And finally, about your parents, well, I can say I also relate to that situation, me and my parents hardly get along well, but you should just do your best, and try to stay out of trouble, or arguing with them. That's why I do (most of the times), and I guess I can say it works pretty well.

Don't give up, ok? You're going through a bad phase in your life, but it will end, I can assure you. These last three years of my life have also been a complete hell, but I think things are finally starting to get better, and they should also get better for you as well. Stay strong. :)

[Leprous]

Sorry for what happened with your grandfather. You know, despite you consider yourself "violent", I guess that's a natural reaction of yours after what happened with your "friend", so you shouldn't blame yourself. I think you're really a good person, because you said you cared a lot about your online friends, which is really great.

About the bullying, I think you should just try to ignore those people and stick close to the ones you think like you a bit more. We all go through that kind of experience, whether we're really popular or not, so try to find a coping method that suits you. Self harm is never a good thing to do, but I'm not here to judge you, I just want you to cope with your problems in the best way.

And finally, about your parents, well, I can say I also relate to that situation, me and my parents hardly get along well, but you should just do your best, and try to stay out of trouble, or arguing with them. That's why I do (most of the times), and I guess I can say it works pretty well.

Don't give up, ok? You're going through a bad phase in your life, but it will end, I can assure you. These last three years of my life have also been a complete hell, but I think things are finally starting to get better, and they should also get better for you as well. Stay strong. :)

Thanks for the reply, I'm not planning to give up, and I'm trying to stay strong, but none of my irl friends would inderstand what I'm going trough. But I'll try to be strong, thanks again for your reply, if made me smile a little. :)

[lacrosse22]

I know I'm a little late on this, but timing doesn't really matter.

Listen to me really closely, okay? You are worth it. Sounds like bullshit right?

I want you to think about this whole thing comparing our lives. I don't know if this is going to work much, but we're pretty similar. I have online friends too (not from gaming), that I've 'saved' from suicide many times, and it's really stressful. I just lost my dad two months ago, and I lost my grandpa when I was 8. My mom and I have been constantly butting heads.

This is going to sound so stupid, but do you know how I am helping myself? Writing. Just please trust me, go get a notebook or a journal, and every night write down how you feel. Trust me when I say it will help, and it is so much better than letting everything out on your skin.

There is so much more I want to say, but I don't really want to put it up over the internet so if you want/need to, PM me, we can talk over that if you'd like.

Stay strong and hang in there, there's a point when it does get better. I promise.

[Leprous]

I know I'm a little late on this, but timing doesn't really matter.

Listen to me really closely, okay? You are worth it. Sounds like bullshit right?

I want you to think about this whole thing comparing our lives. I don't know if this is going to work much, but we're pretty similar. I have online friends too (not from gaming), that I've 'saved' from suicide many times, and it's really stressful. I just lost my dad two months ago, and I lost my grandpa when I was 8. My mom and I have been constantly butting heads.

This is going to sound so stupid, but do you know how I am helping myself? Writing. Just please trust me, go get a notebook or a journal, and every night write down how you feel. Trust me when I say it will help, and it is so much better than letting everything out on your skin.

There is so much more I want to say, but I don't really want to put it up over the internet so if you want/need to, PM me, we can talk over that if you'd like.

Stay strong and hang in there, there's a point when it does get better. I promise.

Thanks you so much for this reply, I'm sorry for your loss. I do prefer skype over mail though, my dad monitors my mail and that will end pretty badly for me. I hope what you're sayinh id right, and I'm trying to stay away from the self harm aswell.
Thank you for your reply.