I'm not coping too well.

[BuryYourFlame]

So if anyone really remembers I used to have depression about 4/5 years ago. I was self harming and contemplated suicide a fair bit. I got fed up of feeling terrible and got counselling which helped a lot. Since then I've actually been really happy with my life and just a better person in general I think. This lasted pretty much until about 2 weeks ago.

I'm not sure what set it off, or maybe I am and I don't really want to admit it to myself. See, a bit over two weeks ago my girlfriend left to work in America for 2.5 months. Every day since then I've felt pretty terrible if not back to what I would call depressed. Don't get me wrong I had bad days in the time period when I considered myself to be 'better' but they were only days, not weeks...

The day after my girlfriend left for America (as I've already posted about) my uncle committed suicide. This week I've been with my aunt and the funeral was yesterday. It was all pretty terrible. This may make me sound like a terrible person but I don't think his death has contributed as much to my recent depressed state as my girlfriend leaving. His death was profoundly sad, and I feel terrible for his 4 kids, and my aunt who is the only sibling left now. I never cried much when my mother died, maybe I just block out sadness and emotions from death easier than other things. I think the reason why her leaving has affected me so much is because we do live together. I'm used to having her around pretty much 24/7 and now we can barely talk at all because she's always busy and online really isn't the same anyway. No one really understands just how much I miss her, the expect some of it, but I can never tell them that half the time I feel like just crying because of how much I miss her and the fact that she isn't here. Wow this is sounding really clingy and stuff but I promise I'm really not like that when we're together, this just seems to be turning me in to a different person haha

On top of this I am running out of money. I had a job during the last university holidays and the money from that job is the only reason why I have managed to survive this long. I've applied and both local malls, different stores, online applications at different grocery stores but no one has called me back. I'm getting less than $100 a month with my current job because they have favourites who they give all the shifts to as well as being run by an incompetent secretary who has no idea what our job involves and owned by a homophobic, racist, sexist pig. Anyway, this $100 has to cover petrol to travel to university and $50 locked in phone bill a month, plus any food I need (luckily I don't have to pay for most main meals as I live with my girlfriend's family). You can see how this doesn't really add up.

I don't want to be so attached to someone that I'm just a miserable mess when they leave although that apparently seems to be the case. I can't afford to socialise with any other friends I have as I can't afford the fuel to drive recreationally which gives an even greater impression of isolation, and I don't really have many online friends left. Today probably my closest online, if not one of my overall closest, friends said we couldn't talk for a while due to problems outside of her control.

So no friends, no job/money and no girlfriend. I don't even know what I wish to get out of posting this here, I think I just wanted to get it all written down or something; it used to help in the past posting stuff like this on here. Sorry for the wall of text...

[Living For Love]

I guess the only think you can do now, besides keeping in touch with your girlfriend online and keep looking for a better job, is trying to think about what you've gone through in the past and how much better you are now. You don't want to enter in a depression, self-harm and contemplate suicide all over again, right? Think about the way you overcame all the problems you had back then and see if you can somehow apply the same solutions to the problems you're facing now. I know it's not easy, but we don't have total control over our lives, there are things we can't predict, but I guess if you just keep living one day at a time and don't give up, you will eventually succeed. Finding a job is never an easy task, and I'm sure your girlfriend's family understand that, but you just got to keep trying.

[Karkat]

Hah, I'm not going to share my long story here (as it's irrelevant, and I'm not trying to one up you at all) but I'm going through a rough patch as well.

I know (sort of) what you feel about your girlfriend leaving- last night, I couldn't even fall asleep until five in the morning because I was having anxiety over my boyfriend leaving to go home (he was only staying until my parents got back, as they don't know about him). Every time he leaves, I fall to pieces. I can't take it. Sometimes I'll bawl like a baby all day. I hate being clingy, I try not to miss him so much (because it's stupid- he's not leaving me, we text every day, the longest I've been without seeing him is like a month or so, maybe closer to two), but I just die inside a little bit when he leaves.

It's the hardest when he's like, there, in my bed, I always think to myself "why can't he just stay here forever?"

I had to quit my job a couple months ago, and before that, I was on medical leave for months. Aside from my not quite $1k tax return, I've had maaaybe $75 a month to cover small bills, some food items that aren't ramen/easy mac (though my mom does gracefully buy me Schwan's, she only lets me get so much.), maybe MAYBE a new pair of plugs if they're cheap (and I time it right). My mom is pretty supportive of me, but well, I'm not 18 yet- I'd better enjoy these next 7ish months while I can.

As for friends? I've made them all extremely angry at me, or they're busy, or they only check in with me because they're worried (because they don't have time to talk, or they're mad at me. I'm also extremely annoying. And clingy. Everyone LOVES me...From a distance.)

So yeah, I understand a bit of how you feel. I'm kind of in the same boat. I mean, I feel like I should be glad that I'm 17, and not 20, and that I can reap the benefits of being a kid for half a year longer, but uh, I can relate to what you said.

Point is, if you do need anyone to talk to (and you don't find me extremely annoying), I'm here.

[BuryYourFlame]

Thanks for the replies people, it means a lot.

I found out today that she's been cuddling with some guy where she's been working. Normally I wouldn't care as much as I do at the moment. Finding that out though felt like a pretty big hit to my stomach. I was shaking and I had a terrible feeling in my stomach that still hasn't completely gone away. A bit of back story...pretty soon after she left she said I should find someone to cuddle with which I found kind of suspicious but I didn't want to ask too much about. I said that because I didn't know how I would feel about her doing that with other guys (i.e. I wouldn't want her doing that with other guys) that I probably wouldn't feel comfortable doing that with another girl.

I'm not normally a jealous person or a clingy person, but as I said, she seems to have changed me. I guess for me relationships seem to be pretty all or nothing, I don't like being clingy or jealous but the thought of her cuddled up with some other guy makes me sick.

These last couple of weeks have just made me pretty emotional and I'm still not doing well. I don't want to leave her at all, she's amazing and this is pretty small. She's one of the best things that has happened to me so I don't want to lose her, this just hurts a lot right now.

[Gumleaf]

So dude, on the topic of the depression and so forth. I know that in 2009 we were both not in a good place for whatever reason with depression. I remember you from then and know that what you are going through now is only a rough patch, combined with various emotions and stuff. Don't start thinking you're relapsing, because you're not.

With your girlfriend, I remember you having insecurities in the past with girlfriends. Can I say that if you are that much part of her life, she clearly loves you. Unless you have a specific reason not to, then just trust her. There is nothing wrong with missing her and feeling lonely because of that. But 10 weeks will go really quick and she'll be back before you know it. Find things to distract yourself with. There are plenty more things to life then being with your girlfriend all the time. Take a step back, remember the progress you have made with your counsellor. Remember the good times you've had with your girlfriend as a positive to make you smile and not as a negative to make you more miserable.

You'll be ok dude. She'll be back and things will go back to 'normal'. But remember above all that you are your own person and despite her helping to make you happy, her alone can't be the only thing in life to make you happy. Bless ya heaps. :)

[BuryYourFlame]

Thanks for your response Stephen after these years, glad to know some people around here recognise me haha

I do want to hope that I'm not relapsing but it's getting harder and harder to believe as things just got even worse today. I was feeling really down for these past few weeks but now I've got a constant knot in my stomach as well.

I really do trust her, maybe too much. She is one of the purest people I've ever met but as a result of this she can be pretty naive sometimes. What I'm scared of happening with this guy she's been cuddling with is that he will try something, and before she even realises it something has happened that she would regret. Not intentionally cheating on me exactly but just not stopping things as quick as could be done if he tries something.

I found out today that she has already said that there was sexual tension between them while they were cuddling. Again, that was just a major blow to the gut. Even as I type this I'm shaking again.

Then I have the internal debate of whether this constitutes cheating or not. It's not really physical cheating but people have pointed out that they would see it as emotional cheating...I really don't wish to think that this is the case, but what if it is?

I know in my heart that I'll turn out fine whatever the outcome, it's just hard seeing that clearly at the moment. I'm thinking of talking to the university counselor person.

Thanks again mate.

[Gumleaf]

Thanks for your response Stephen after these years, glad to know some people around here recognise me haha

I do want to hope that I'm not relapsing but it's getting harder and harder to believe as things just got even worse today. I was feeling really down for these past few weeks but now I've got a constant knot in my stomach as well.

I really do trust her, maybe too much. She is one of the purest people I've ever met but as a result of this she can be pretty naive sometimes. What I'm scared of happening with this guy she's been cuddling with is that he will try something, and before she even realises it something has happened that she would regret. Not intentionally cheating on me exactly but just not stopping things as quick as could be done if he tries something.

I found out today that she has already said that there was sexual tension between them while they were cuddling. Again, that was just a major blow to the gut. Even as I type this I'm shaking again.

Then I have the internal debate of whether this constitutes cheating or not. It's not really physical cheating but people have pointed out that they would see it as emotional cheating...I really don't wish to think that this is the case, but what if it is?

I know in my heart that I'll turn out fine whatever the outcome, it's just hard seeing that clearly at the moment. I'm thinking of talking to the university counselor person.

Thanks again mate.

Heya,

I actually get what you mean about all this. Why has she gone to America anyways? Also, when the two of you are together, are you a very physical couple? I'm not asking about your sex life, more like are you touching, holding, hugging each other frequently when you're together? I have to say it is unusual to want to have like 'cuddle buddy' sort of thing happening, but given she's been so open about it demonstrates how much she cares about you. You might wonder why I say that, but generally speaking, if someone is going to knowingly cheat, they aren't going to announce it. I'm not sure if she's naïve or not, I obviously don't know her. But you do, and you know who she is and what she's like. Remember 2+2 doesn't always equal 4.

Just make sure you learn from my mistake. You remember I was with Joanne for ages before we finished school? She moved away for Uni and after about 6 months she broke it off so she could go out with another guy she liked, and we have barely spoken since. I'm just saying this to make sure you keep working on your relationship while she's away and when she gets home again. Make sure she knows how you're feeling about things while she's away and, without accusing her of anything, make sure she knows how you feel about the cuddling friend thing. It sounds like you have something great and I'm confident it will stay that way when she gets home.

But if you're worried about a depression relapse, and I still don't think it's a relapse, but if you are, then I agree that you should see the Uni counsellor.

[BuryYourFlame]

I actually get what you mean about all this. Why has she gone to America anyways? Also, when the two of you are together, are you a very physical couple? I'm not asking about your sex life, more like are you touching, holding, hugging each other frequently when you're together? I have to say it is unusual to want to have like 'cuddle buddy' sort of thing happening, but given she's been so open about it demonstrates how much she cares about you. You might wonder why I say that, but generally speaking, if someone is going to knowingly cheat, they aren't going to announce it. I'm not sure if she's naïve or not, I obviously don't know her. But you do, and you know who she is and what she's like. Remember 2+2 doesn't always equal 4.

Just make sure you learn from my mistake. You remember I was with Joanne for ages before we finished school? She moved away for Uni and after about 6 months she broke it off so she could go out with another guy she liked, and we have barely spoken since. I'm just saying this to make sure you keep working on your relationship while she's away and when she gets home again. Make sure she knows how you're feeling about things while she's away and, without accusing her of anything, make sure she knows how you feel about the cuddling friend thing. It sounds like you have something great and I'm confident it will stay that way when she gets home.

But if you're worried about a depression relapse, and I still don't think it's a relapse, but if you are, then I agree that you should see the Uni counsellor.

She's in America to work in a summer camp with disabled kids haha, still gone for another 60 days.

Yeah, we are pretty physical I guess when we're together, but at parties and stuff we have no problem being in different rooms or talking to different people.

I understand the basis of it really, but it's just the fact that I said I didn't want her doing it and then without telling me went and did it anyway. I think it's all pretty much mostly resolved and over now, we're effectively back to normal, or as normal as you can be 15,000+km's away. I'm kind of worried now that this whole thing is going to change her. I'm not stupid, I know it is going to change her to some degree but I still want her to be the same person I fell in love with when she comes back.

Wow, sorry to hear about that man, I know you two were together for a long time...
I've told her everything I'm feeling pretty much, maybe more than I should have because of my recent mood.

My mood seems to be slightly getting better though, although I'm not sure if this is entirely a good thing or not. Of course it's mostly good, but part of me is also thinking; what if I'm just getting used to not having her? What if, when she comes back, I'm so used to being without her, that the whole thing doesn't work anymore?

Exercising every day now while she's away to take my mind off things and get my muscle back in the process :P