Aliases
June 12th, 2014, 05:18 AM
For the last 7-8 months I've been very depressed. Sort of feeling like I'm stuck in a rut that I can't seem to get out of. I have good days and then all of a sudden that good day can just go horribly wrong. Or span over weeks at a time. I have 1 friend whom I talk to, and he tells me to forget about the past the way he does, and I tell him I'm not like him and can't just give up something like this as fast as he can.
So last year of 2013, I had known this one girl since 2nd grade. We were in very good standings not really relationship wise until the ending but, that was cut short as she died in a car crash several days before my Birthday in November. I would take her to places like the beach and basically anywhere she wanted to go and do I was behind her 100% in all of her decisions. I probably would have ended up marrying her after High school. We had talked about it a few times before the car accident that happened, and she had hopes to be with me as well in the future. (very young yes, but we were very smart kids, we were also the outcasts of the school).
Ever since the accident I really haven't been myself, and honestly. It was my fault that she got in that car that day. We had been talking before she left school, she stayed after school until 9pm that night with her friends, she was going to get a ride from a teacher. That teacher was a very good friend of her mother and mine. We had exchanged messages on if she wanted to come over that night, but I said I was busy, in realization I was not actually busy. I was just not feeling too great that night for some reason expecting something strange to happen. And well, it did. about 30 minutes after I said I was busy, she got in the car with the teacher who had been drinking in her classroom. They veered off into the other lane and collided head on with another car going 50mph in a 30mph zone. All of them died in that crash, but I could have saved the love of my life. But I said I was too busy for her.
After months of beating myself up over it, I started to think my life was slipping through my fingertips. Everything I did wasn't right, everything I said was wrong or wasn't what I wanted to say and every person I talked to had an opinion about me that was either stupid or tried to be extremely dramatic or telling lies about me behind my back.
I ended up becoming a loner, not wanting to talk to anyone, doing my own thing. I got so depressed that I didn't want to be seen in a public school anymore because I was afraid of the comments I would get from other people. I was put in an online school where I started getting the best grades I had ever had (B's and C's) in public school I was getting all F's, just to add on to more of my depression.
After this, not even a week after isolating myself from people. I came down to having 1 friend. I still talk to him everyday, honestly if I didn't have him, I would probably have committed suicide by now.
To add on to more of my depression at the time, my parents started fighting about stupid shit that wasn't even relevant to anything, and were just fighting for no reason. They fought so much one day, in fact from 3pm to about 12am at night. I came out and fixed that by completely decking the hell out of my dad. AND GOD DAMMIT DIDN'T IT FEEL GOOD. Not only did it make me feel good in that split second, I basically split them apart more than they already were.
I started to become hopeless. I had a girl who I loved, she passed away. I had friends who I knew for a very long time, they talked behind my back. I became a loner because I couldn't stand myself anymore, and I ended every friendship I had. I can count my friends on one finger. Literally. and my parents want a divorce.
SOOOOoooo after that happened, I met another girl. I ended up falling in love with her. It didn't really work out at all. In fact, it never started. She had told me that I was kind of just over caring. I never told her my story of why I was like that either. A lot of people told me how she was just a skank, she had cheated on her boyfriend at the time and they broke up after years of being together, she was slutty, and how she manipulated peoples feelings etc. etc. etc. Which made me feel like shit even more. and so I just said fuck it. I'm done. So I left. I deleted everybody that associated with her, and her. Because she would never understand. She would just manipulate me, cheat on me etc and I really just told myself do I really want to be treated that way, I should be looking at this as a lesson.
I rarely eat anymore, I eat once a day and that's about it. and usually it's something like crackers in the morning. I'm up all night thinking and every time I think it just gets worse.
I started to contemplate where my life is going, more than I should be at my age. I'm not interested in many things anymore. I'm accused of not having a life. I'm just sort of sitting here asking myself. What the fuck am I doing here exactly? Where do I go? what do I do. Who do I follow. I have no path. I have no bridges to cross because they were all burned down. And if I try to build another bridge it just gets knocked down before it's finished. Over and over and over again. I'm just so damn tired of building. And falling half way.
I'm just not sure what to do. How to cope. Am I not living the right way? is there a right way of living?!? I have all these questions. That I can't even answer for myself. I'm not expecting any answers here, but..What do I do. Can anyone give me any advice. I just really want to fall backwards and fade out.
-Aliases.
So last year of 2013, I had known this one girl since 2nd grade. We were in very good standings not really relationship wise until the ending but, that was cut short as she died in a car crash several days before my Birthday in November. I would take her to places like the beach and basically anywhere she wanted to go and do I was behind her 100% in all of her decisions. I probably would have ended up marrying her after High school. We had talked about it a few times before the car accident that happened, and she had hopes to be with me as well in the future. (very young yes, but we were very smart kids, we were also the outcasts of the school).
Ever since the accident I really haven't been myself, and honestly. It was my fault that she got in that car that day. We had been talking before she left school, she stayed after school until 9pm that night with her friends, she was going to get a ride from a teacher. That teacher was a very good friend of her mother and mine. We had exchanged messages on if she wanted to come over that night, but I said I was busy, in realization I was not actually busy. I was just not feeling too great that night for some reason expecting something strange to happen. And well, it did. about 30 minutes after I said I was busy, she got in the car with the teacher who had been drinking in her classroom. They veered off into the other lane and collided head on with another car going 50mph in a 30mph zone. All of them died in that crash, but I could have saved the love of my life. But I said I was too busy for her.
After months of beating myself up over it, I started to think my life was slipping through my fingertips. Everything I did wasn't right, everything I said was wrong or wasn't what I wanted to say and every person I talked to had an opinion about me that was either stupid or tried to be extremely dramatic or telling lies about me behind my back.
I ended up becoming a loner, not wanting to talk to anyone, doing my own thing. I got so depressed that I didn't want to be seen in a public school anymore because I was afraid of the comments I would get from other people. I was put in an online school where I started getting the best grades I had ever had (B's and C's) in public school I was getting all F's, just to add on to more of my depression.
After this, not even a week after isolating myself from people. I came down to having 1 friend. I still talk to him everyday, honestly if I didn't have him, I would probably have committed suicide by now.
To add on to more of my depression at the time, my parents started fighting about stupid shit that wasn't even relevant to anything, and were just fighting for no reason. They fought so much one day, in fact from 3pm to about 12am at night. I came out and fixed that by completely decking the hell out of my dad. AND GOD DAMMIT DIDN'T IT FEEL GOOD. Not only did it make me feel good in that split second, I basically split them apart more than they already were.
I started to become hopeless. I had a girl who I loved, she passed away. I had friends who I knew for a very long time, they talked behind my back. I became a loner because I couldn't stand myself anymore, and I ended every friendship I had. I can count my friends on one finger. Literally. and my parents want a divorce.
SOOOOoooo after that happened, I met another girl. I ended up falling in love with her. It didn't really work out at all. In fact, it never started. She had told me that I was kind of just over caring. I never told her my story of why I was like that either. A lot of people told me how she was just a skank, she had cheated on her boyfriend at the time and they broke up after years of being together, she was slutty, and how she manipulated peoples feelings etc. etc. etc. Which made me feel like shit even more. and so I just said fuck it. I'm done. So I left. I deleted everybody that associated with her, and her. Because she would never understand. She would just manipulate me, cheat on me etc and I really just told myself do I really want to be treated that way, I should be looking at this as a lesson.
I rarely eat anymore, I eat once a day and that's about it. and usually it's something like crackers in the morning. I'm up all night thinking and every time I think it just gets worse.
I started to contemplate where my life is going, more than I should be at my age. I'm not interested in many things anymore. I'm accused of not having a life. I'm just sort of sitting here asking myself. What the fuck am I doing here exactly? Where do I go? what do I do. Who do I follow. I have no path. I have no bridges to cross because they were all burned down. And if I try to build another bridge it just gets knocked down before it's finished. Over and over and over again. I'm just so damn tired of building. And falling half way.
I'm just not sure what to do. How to cope. Am I not living the right way? is there a right way of living?!? I have all these questions. That I can't even answer for myself. I'm not expecting any answers here, but..What do I do. Can anyone give me any advice. I just really want to fall backwards and fade out.
-Aliases.