So I've er, messed up again

[Karkat]

Badly.

I still have no idea how much fully, because everyone whom I talked to during the incident is now sleeping.

It started with me messing up my sobriety a little bit ago. Then, I was like "sobriety is just a number, I just have to learn to drink responsibly"

Listen to me. Alcoholics CAN NEVER learn how to drink responsibly. It is a disease that prevents one from doing so. (Unless you have someone who is willing to physically hold you down, and my poor boyfriend is er, sensitive. Seeing me in a state where I scream "GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME, I NEED A DRINK" scared the shit out of him, I think. But even then, withdrawals. Basically, if you think you're an alcoholic, stop kidding yourself. You'll never be able to drink.)

Like I said, I don't know all the details, but what I do know is that messing up my sobriety lead me to thinking a little more...Freely. I stopped lording my sobriety over me as potential punishment. In all cases. Which lead me to attempt 'light drinking' with my boyfriend, aka enjoying a glass or two of wine.

Which got me really excited

"Hey, let's get drunk together" (Thank god that didn't end up happening)

So the plan was that my boyfriend and I were going to get a bottle of merlot, and then have Jäger bombs afterwards, get hammered together.

It didn't happen that way. Turns out, boyfriend hated the wine. (I thought it wasn't maybe the BEST bottle I'd ever had, but it was nice.)

Which turned into "hey guess what, you've got a bottle of wine to yourself, and only three days to drink it" (If only) (We didn't have a corkscrew, so we couldn't recork it.)

Which turned into me drinking an entire bottle of merlot in a 1hr period. Then? The alcoholism was raging. Boyfriend wanted me to take a shower for some reason, but I needed the Jäeger. Badly. And cigarettes, which he didn't have. Suddenly, I turned from cutely (or emotionally drunk in the sad way- I cried a lot at first) drunk to VICIOUS

I screamed, I tore away from him. I drank, and drank, and drank. Eventually? I ended up getting my clothes back on, gathering up my stuff in my purse and taking off! I walked an entire mile to a nearby park. I couldn't move after that. I ended up frantically trying to get help from my Facebook friends (i.e getting them to call my boyfriend, which I was apparently incapable of.)

Eventually, I tried to walk home, but my boyfriend caught up. He drug me home, (I know that sounds terrible, but that's literally what happened- I was passing out by that point) and I started going kooky- only speaking en español and then in a full-on Scottish accent (god knows why).

I've been having what you'd call "complications" all night.

It's just really hard to accept that I'm at the bottom again, you know? And now, I've got the stuff in my system. It's hard to accept that I've fallen. And the worst part is that I have no idea how to get back from it.

[Aliases]

We all fall off the wagon at some point in our life where, We don't really accept the actions of what we've done, because we think that we're not capable of acceptance. You should feel good the fact that your boyfriend came and found you in a public park, and brought you back safely.

[Karkat]

We all fall off the wagon at some point in our life where, We don't really accept the actions of what we've done, because we think that we're not capable of acceptance. You should feel good the fact that your boyfriend came and found you in a public park, and brought you back safely.

Oh believe me, I do feel good. I'm more than grateful for him. Honestly? I don't deserve him, or anyone who has helped me on my road to recovery. (and then helped scrape me off the sidewalk when I fell back down)

If anything, it's hard to accept that there's something of me, as a person, that is worth the pain, frustration, and panic of being my friend. It just doesn't seem like I deserve all the help I've gotten. I feel like a burden.

[Aliases]

Oh believe me, I do feel good. I'm more than grateful for him. Honestly? I don't deserve him, or anyone who has helped me on my road to recovery. (and then helped scrape me off the sidewalk when I fell back down)

If anything, it's hard to accept that there's something of me, as a person, that is worth the pain, frustration, and panic of being my friend. It just doesn't seem like I deserve all the help I've gotten. I feel like a burden.

There's a reason why people help you on your road to recovery, your BF is a person that cares for you and anybody who is there for you when you do fall is better than having nobody. Saying that he doesn't deserve you is really hard to swallow. When in reality he needs you. And you need him.

You are worth the pain, frustration and panic. You had one bad night/day out of how many days you'll have in life? You didn't hurt anybody. You didn't even hurt yourself in this instance. You tried to enjoy yourself, and you know how it got out of hand. You can stop it before it happens again.

[Karkat]

There's a reason why people help you on your road to recovery, your BF is a person that cares for you and anybody who is there for you when you do fall is better than having nobody. Saying that he doesn't deserve you is really hard to swallow. When in reality he needs you. And you need him.

You are worth the pain, frustration and panic. You had one bad night/day out of how many days you'll have in life? You didn't hurt anybody. You didn't even hurt yourself in this instance. You tried to enjoy yourself, and you know how it got out of hand. You can stop it before it happens again.

I hate it that people need me, because I can't be stable enough to be there for them. And I know that I need him, but what am I even worth?

I hurt myself, not only did I drink an extreme amount of alcohol, but I beat my knees up pretty bad from a couple falls I took, and I zapped my ability to stay positive. Yet again.

It may only be one day, but I can't take these kinds of days. They put me over the edge. And it's not like the only problem in life I have is my alcoholism.

[Hudor]

Life is meant to be lived; enjoy yourself!

Of the very very little I know of you from all your posts and threads I realise you have a lot of problems in life, maybe a tad too more than a lot of people including me but that doesn't mean you stop being positive. Life can be pretty mean and spiteful at times but that doesn't mean you let it act the bully and drown yourself in guilt and self-derision. My not-so-uncommon advice? Look back at the sunnier parts of your life and count your blessings. Spend your precious time savouring and nurturing them rather than the things you cannot have or cannot be.
I've tried not to sound too patronising but hope this helps.
This is for you :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

[Stronk Serb]

I kind of had a similar episode. I drank so much rakija for the New Year celebration that I chased the kids who where throwing firecrackers with a cleaver in black kind of army boots and uniform yelling that they are the sacrifices for the Great Blot. Thankfully they ran away. When I came back, I was speaking in a hard-core Swedish/Viking accent all the time.

[Karkat]

Life is meant to be lived; enjoy yourself!

Of the very very little I know of you from all your posts and threads I realise you have a lot of problems in life, maybe a tad too more than a lot of people including me but that doesn't mean you stop being positive. Life can be pretty mean and spiteful at times but that doesn't mean you let it act the bully and drown yourself in guilt and self-derision. My not-so-uncommon advice? Look back at the sunnier parts of your life and count your blessings. Spend your precious time savouring and nurturing them rather than the things you cannot have or cannot be.
I've tried not to sound too patronising but hope this helps.
This is for you :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

Actually I do drown in guilt and self-derision- I just try not to show it too much.

But thank you :) Your response made me smile, and it's very good advice as well. :)

I kind of had a similar episode. I drank so much rakija for the New Year celebration that I chased the kids who where throwing firecrackers with a cleaver in black kind of army boots and uniform yelling that they are the sacrifices for the Great Blot. Thankfully they ran away. When I came back, I was speaking in a hard-core Swedish/Viking accent all the time.

Oh haha

Glad you didn't uh, kill anyone.

[Microcosm]

It must be nice still to know that he cares for you. I hope you can fight the drinking problem next time though.

[Karkat]

It must be nice still to know that he cares for you. I hope you can fight the drinking problem next time though.

It is, I love him so much, but I can't stand to hurt him, and I have just been hurting him so much lately. Sure, the vino and the Jaeger are feeling uncomfortable now by way of tremors, a migraine, gastrointestinal problems that make me want to die (which, it's alcohol- duh it's going to make your stomach feel like shit), and a few other things, but I couldn't give two shits about hurting myself. Whatever, I'll live. But making the love of my life hunt me down and drag my drunk-ass home kills me inside. I feel so guilty. I'm extremely ashamed of myself.

I actually just laid there in his arms this morning, crying "I can't marry you, I can't be a functioning wife like this, or a mother to your children, I can't do this" because how can I? I want to marry him so badly, but I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to function well enough to be a wife.

Me too. :(

[Microcosm]

It is, I love him so much, but I can't stand to hurt him, and I have just been hurting him so much lately. Sure, the vino and the Jaeger are feeling uncomfortable now by way of tremors, a migraine, gastrointestinal problems that make me want to die (which, it's alcohol- duh it's going to make your stomach feel like shit), and a few other things, but I couldn't give two shits about hurting myself. Whatever, I'll live. But making the love of my life hunt me down and drag my drunk-ass home kills me inside. I feel so guilty. I'm extremely ashamed of myself.

I actually just laid there in his arms this morning, crying "I can't marry you, I can't be a functioning wife like this, or a mother to your children, I can't do this" because how can I? I want to marry him so badly, but I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to function well enough to be a wife.

Me too. :(

Don't let this hold you back from your future. You should do your best to tell him you are sorry and to get over whatever problems you find in yourself. You can do it. I know you can.

[Karkat]

Don't let this hold you back from your future. You should do your best to tell him you are sorry and to get over whatever problems you find in yourself. You can do it. I know you can.

It's hard for me to be confident that I can sometimes, no offense to you. It's just that I've been beaten down by life so many times, it's hard to muster up the will to stand back up again.

I hope I can. I'll definitely try.