Over it!

[JCoating23]

Sorry for the long read, but PLEASE help me.


I am over crying in bed everynight. I was abused by my 4th grade teacher, I didn't know it at the time, and didn't really remember it happening until the teacher was arrested on Child Pornography charges. I am now really struggling with it emotionally. I have lost pretty much all my friends as a result, I am detached from the world around me. The only people who seem to care about me are people I don't even know. About two months ago, one of the few friends I have was killed in a car accident. I don't want to be in this dark place all my life, it's not worth living with so much emotional baggage.

In 6th grade I was forced 'out' as being gay. I had typed some fantasies which I was having, then a 'friend' found them and spread them throughout my school. As a result I was bullied constantly and was knocked out once. The school then said that since I was causing the issues, they would expel me if I didn't leave.

Up until now, i hadn't told many people about my past. This is the second major battle I've had and with everything emotionally combining together I think it is going to be worse then the first time. I am desperate for help, thats why Im posting this here. For legal reasons I don't want to tell anyone at home.

Counselling hasn't seemed to help, I've told my parents, but it was virtually shrugged off by them, because they are dealing with other problems. My dad was sick and had triple bypass surgery, my brother is caring for his Girlfriend who is battling anorexia and my mum has been in Adelaide looking after my Grandparents. Mum came back when dad had his operation so she could care for him, but has now gone back to Adelaide because my grandma is threatening suicide if moved into a care facility and my Grandpa is really sick. This had left me to take care of dad alone while trying to battle my own problems. I desperately need help but don't know where to get it.

Whenever things finally start looking up, everything comes crashing down again. I've started thinking the worst in every situation and I can't help but blame myself for everything. I'm worried about doing something stupid. I don't know if I will hurt myself or someone else though, I've become really aggressive and frequently get a feeling to hurt someone. Too make things worse I now have a fractured nose and had a mild concussion from getting head-butted at basketball because of my aggressiveness.

My parents don't know I've been suicidal, I don't know how to tell them. I don't understand the point of having a life if I cant live it. About a week ago, it got to a point where I had a knife and pushed it against my chest. I don't really know what stopped me, I think I felt like killing myself would be an undeserved reward. I've allowed myself to get into this situation so why should I reward myself.

[Living For Love]

The things that happened in the past must stay in the past. I know how hard it is to forget them, but you need to find some way to cope with it and not let yourself get affected by it. We all go through some times in our life that we feel lonely and depressed, but you're still so young, you have so many years ahead of you, you are not a waste, you're important, for your family, for the people around you. You hate yourself too much because you haven't found the good thing about you yet, but there are good things, because you're an unique person, and I'm sure if you keep up fighting, you'll succeed in your life. About your anger issues, maybe you should try to buy a punching bag, it helps realising all the anger and frustration you have inside you. Please don't give up, keep in touch with people you think really deserve your attention, you will be fine, sooner than you expect. Stay strong, we're all here for you. :)

[Microcosm]

I don't mind the long read. I'm here to help you. :)

Don't let these things that happened to you in the past drag you down. I understand that all these things happening to you are extremely hard to deal with all at once, but your family does need you. They need you to be strong and fight through these hard times more than ever. Also, I'm proud of you for posting here. Reaching out and finding people that have first-hand experience with problems such as this is a great idea and it can really help you. If you ever need someone to talk to or you just need to vent, I recommend posting here or paying the chat room a visit. I know that you are having a really hard time right now, but try to stay strong for your family and everyone that cares about you. You still have your entire life ahead of you. It'll get better.

[JCoating23]

I'm so sick of seeing simple things and they make me feel horrible. Things which happen everyday which could be subtle or obvious (to me) remind me of the past. I try my best not to think about it or let it affect me, but I can't help it. It impacts how I feel and also my actions. I'm really aggressive and when I'm refereeing I often become unprofessional in the way handle situations. I want to be able to live normally but don't know how I can do that.

[JCoating23]

I honestly don't want to live anymore, there is no point, I'm tired of it. I can't enjoy life! I can't be normal, can't be accepted and all I'm doing is suffering on a daily basis. People keep saying to me that things will get better eventually, well when the fuck is that? If I have to suffer through this for years theres no way, I don't even want another day of it. All I want is to be a normal kid and be able to do normal things without being distracted and randomly getting upset and breaking down.