yami_no_kitsune
June 6th, 2014, 06:51 PM
hello I have been looking for help with my problem for a long time. I have tried therapy, medication, talking to friends and more and it just seems that no one can help me because they don't understand.
when i was younger due to some abuse I suffered I often thought that I didn't deserve the things I had and would become incredibly depressed when left alone. I even refused to believe I deserved the bed I slept on. as I got older this developed into pulling out my hair and punching things until I got into middle school and scratched myself with a sewing needle and I did that until my freshmen year of high school when I used a raiser to slice open my arm and it got worse from there. until I hit my senior year.
I was having an episode as I was told to call them. Its like a panic attach it gets really hard to breath because both your chest and your throat get really tight the difference is with a panic attack its fear and anxiety that cause them and are seemingly random. my episodes are caused by memories and being alone for long periods of time. and during these episodes i do whatever is in my power to make them stop the best way is pain thus the self harm.
so one day during my senior year I was having an episode while I was home alone so I grabbed a glass from the counter and threw it as hard as I could on the floor so it shattered and i took one of the shards and slit my arm and leg and told everyone that I fell on the glass and everyone believed me. I actually saved one of the shards and I continued to reopen the cuts that had already been made. one day a friend of mine noticed and I told him everything so he came to my house and took the shard I kept with him.
I was fine for a while but shortly after we got into a fight but I didn't cut myself i just stared punching and kicking things and hitting myself with things to cause bruises because really people only care if your bleeding. I hit my arm against a wall so hard that it went numb for a whole day. Even the friends that knew about my situation didn't care even if they noticed and eventually graduation day came I talked to no one afterwords I told no one and no one bothered me I just left with my family after. I hit the back of my head so hard on a wall that there was a bit of blood and I still went to the farewell senior party the next day after I came home I fell asleep and didn't wake up until the next day and the next weak I moved and honestly i was happy with the change for a while got a job started college but then i started pulling at my hair again and im already back to scratching myself with needles and i can get pretty deep if i numb myself by drinking first but in that split second after the deed has been done i get really scared that one day im gonna cut to deep or the bleeding wont stop or i will hit myself wrong and it will kill me and i don't wanna die but i just cant stop.
when i was younger due to some abuse I suffered I often thought that I didn't deserve the things I had and would become incredibly depressed when left alone. I even refused to believe I deserved the bed I slept on. as I got older this developed into pulling out my hair and punching things until I got into middle school and scratched myself with a sewing needle and I did that until my freshmen year of high school when I used a raiser to slice open my arm and it got worse from there. until I hit my senior year.
I was having an episode as I was told to call them. Its like a panic attach it gets really hard to breath because both your chest and your throat get really tight the difference is with a panic attack its fear and anxiety that cause them and are seemingly random. my episodes are caused by memories and being alone for long periods of time. and during these episodes i do whatever is in my power to make them stop the best way is pain thus the self harm.
so one day during my senior year I was having an episode while I was home alone so I grabbed a glass from the counter and threw it as hard as I could on the floor so it shattered and i took one of the shards and slit my arm and leg and told everyone that I fell on the glass and everyone believed me. I actually saved one of the shards and I continued to reopen the cuts that had already been made. one day a friend of mine noticed and I told him everything so he came to my house and took the shard I kept with him.
I was fine for a while but shortly after we got into a fight but I didn't cut myself i just stared punching and kicking things and hitting myself with things to cause bruises because really people only care if your bleeding. I hit my arm against a wall so hard that it went numb for a whole day. Even the friends that knew about my situation didn't care even if they noticed and eventually graduation day came I talked to no one afterwords I told no one and no one bothered me I just left with my family after. I hit the back of my head so hard on a wall that there was a bit of blood and I still went to the farewell senior party the next day after I came home I fell asleep and didn't wake up until the next day and the next weak I moved and honestly i was happy with the change for a while got a job started college but then i started pulling at my hair again and im already back to scratching myself with needles and i can get pretty deep if i numb myself by drinking first but in that split second after the deed has been done i get really scared that one day im gonna cut to deep or the bleeding wont stop or i will hit myself wrong and it will kill me and i don't wanna die but i just cant stop.