I'm worried that my depressed friend just got pushed over the top

[Cognizant]

Sorry for my lack of posts recently - I've been on vacation. This is also a long post warning, so watch out. It's more of a reflection, but I need to vent. #sorrynotsorry

So I need to give you some insight on my friend, who for anonymity purposes is named Adam. He's had a rough past few years in his life. He grew from being somewhat social to spending his lunches in the library at school all by himself. I honestly don't know what changed that, but I'm now one of his only "close" friends outside of family. Even then, he's always declined to hang out when I offer. Anyways. The nice thing is that when something is bothering Adam, he will tell me what's wrong (abiet very surface level, but at least it's something). He's been battling depression, and having serious family issues. His parents greatly favored his younger brother Jamie, and Adam's father even went as far as saying that he doesn't love him. I haven't experienced that before, but that *has* to sting.

That was a while ago. The thing with Adam is it's incredibly hard to keep in touch with him every day. Call me inconsiderate, but I eventually went back to eating with all my friends. I've offered him to join us, but he declined so we kind of went on our ways unintentionally for a few weeks.

Jump to a few weeks ago (i think it was the day before my birthday), and I'm sitting at a Jamba juice with my friends Kari and Tory when I notice Adam. I wave him down and asks how things are going. I thought he would make some BS "oh I'm good hbu" reply since my friends were around, but he went right in to saying "My dad's in the hospital and I'm really worried about him." I didn't know how to reply. I looked over at Kari and she didn't know either. I felt horrible for him, but if any of you guys know me, I suck at giving advice. I just said I'm really sorry and then went on with our outing. I had the intention with asking him about it later, but I never really got around to doing it.

Now let's jump to yesterday. School's out and I'm on vacation - just finished touring UC Riverside, and went relaxing at my grandparents house with family. I checked Facebook and I saw that Adam messaged me hello the other day. I ignored it, partially because I was on vacation and was busy, and partially because I wasn't sure what the conversation was going to go like. Then I noticed that he messaged me yesterday while I was at Riverside and it said "Patrick, my father just died"
My heart skipped a beat. I knew Adam's father was in the hospital, but for all I knew it wasn't necessarily life threatening. I had absolutely no clue what to say. None at all. There was no way in hell I was going to bring this up to my grandparents, my friend Kari who I get my advice from is in Puerto Rico, and I couldn't really access VT because my laptop was being a piece of shit. So I went on a drive, and when I got back I replied and was like "I'm really sorry man, if you want to talk about it please tell me in the morning."

So here it is - morning time, and I'm scared to open Facebook. I'm scared that either I won't know what to say again, or he'll say that he's super depressed/suicidal and I won't be able to help him out with that. What should I do? I don't want to rub salt in his wounds unintentionally, but I don't want to just avoid the problem altogether. Ugh. I just feel a mix of empathy and a desire to want to forget it and move on with my vacation... :what:

[CosmicNoodle]

Dude, don't ignore him....he's your friend....
When you get depressed it makes you less social, he will still like you, but he's ill, remember that. Spend some time with him at school or go to his house on the weekends to see if we wants to go out. If you ask him if he wants to come in school he'll say no.

As for his dad, he has my sympathy. As for what to say, I have no idea, tell him your sorry for his loss? Try to get him out of the house, talk to him, be with him. Don't let him feel alone.

[Living For Love]

I think you should just be there for him, honestly. There's nothing you can do to bring his dad back, and even though he might not be in a mood for those kind of things, you should go out somewhere with him, make sure he tries to forget what happened and moves on with his life. He needs you more than ever now, I'm sure he wants someone who can understand him and not being judgemental, so I think you should keep in touch with him.

[Cognizant]

Dude, don't ignore him....he's your friend....
When you get depressed it makes you less social, he will still like you, but he's ill, remember that. Spend some time with him at school or go to his house on the weekends to see if we wants to go out. If you ask him if he wants to come in school he'll say no.

As for his dad, he has my sympathy. As for what to say, I have no idea, tell him your sorry for his loss? Try to get him out of the house, talk to him, be with him. Don't let him feel alone.

I think you should just be there for him, honestly. There's nothing you can do to bring his dad back, and even though he might not be in a mood for those kind of things, you should go out somewhere with him, make sure he tries to forget what happened and moves on with his life. He needs you more than ever now, I'm sure he wants someone who can understand him and not being judgemental, so I think you should keep in touch with him.

I understand what you guys are saying. I've definitely been in his shoes before, and let me tell you: I'm so glad that we have VT because it was my only real area of support when my family fell to pieces. I wish I had more friends to reach out to then.
The reason I say that I shouldn't really get super involved is because I've put in a lot of my energy into trying to get him outside more and trying to cheer him up, to no avail. He doesn't really like/feel comfortable around my friends, and when I've offered to do things by ourselves (like go see a movie or even just hang out at the park), he just says he's "not the type to go out and do things with people", no matter how much I insist that he comes. Trust me, I do care for him - I just don't know what to do to reach out for him because my method of attack doesn't really seem to work. I mean I'm fine and dandy with just chatting with him on Facebook if he wants, but at the same time this is a lot more scarring. I'm scared for him, but if he refuses to hang out what am I supposed to do or say? Should I reach out to his mother for assistance?

[JamesSuperBoy]

I understand what you guys are saying. I've definitely been in his shoes before, and let me tell you: I'm so glad that we have VT because it was my only real area of support when my family fell to pieces. I wish I had more friends to reach out to then.
The reason I say that I shouldn't really get super involved is because I've put in a lot of my energy into trying to get him outside more and trying to cheer him up, to no avail. He doesn't really like/feel comfortable around my friends, and when I've offered to do things by ourselves (like go see a movie or even just hang out at the park), he just says he's "not the type to go out and do things with people", no matter how much I insist that he comes. Trust me, I do care for him - I just don't know what to do to reach out for him because my method of attack doesn't really seem to work. I mean I'm fine and dandy with just chatting with him on Facebook if he wants, but at the same time this is a lot more scarring. I'm scared for him, but if he refuses to hang out what am I supposed to do or say? Should I reach out to his mother for assistance?


Good to realise that you have tried and he has made a choice - eat lunches alone and not say how serious it was with his father - but tbh he may not have known. In this you have tried - it is not you who has failed nor him to accept you invites or suggestions. At this time I guess his Mother has enough to do. Let it pass for now is my suggestion and Adam knows he can message you or whatever - again that is his choice so don't feel bad.

[CosmicNoodle]

This ^

You tried, and he failed you. Good to see you really are a genuon friend, all mine avoided me at a time like that...thankfully I got new ones.

You could go and hang out with him anyway, just turn up one day?

[Living For Love]

I understand what you guys are saying. I've definitely been in his shoes before, and let me tell you: I'm so glad that we have VT because it was my only real area of support when my family fell to pieces. I wish I had more friends to reach out to then.
The reason I say that I shouldn't really get super involved is because I've put in a lot of my energy into trying to get him outside more and trying to cheer him up, to no avail. He doesn't really like/feel comfortable around my friends, and when I've offered to do things by ourselves (like go see a movie or even just hang out at the park), he just says he's "not the type to go out and do things with people", no matter how much I insist that he comes. Trust me, I do care for him - I just don't know what to do to reach out for him because my method of attack doesn't really seem to work. I mean I'm fine and dandy with just chatting with him on Facebook if he wants, but at the same time this is a lot more scarring. I'm scared for him, but if he refuses to hang out what am I supposed to do or say? Should I reach out to his mother for assistance?
I don't know if he would want his mum to be involved, but if you already tried to hang out with him and failed, then I guess you should just keep in touch via Facebook, and maybe wait for him to come up with a suggestion. You should also ask him how could you help him going through all this now, see what he says.

[Cognizant]

I don't know if he would want his mum to be involved, but if you already tried to hang out with him and failed, then I guess you should just keep in touch via Facebook, and maybe wait for him to come up with a suggestion. You should also ask him how could you help him going through all this now, see what he says.

I think that's a really good idea. Thanks for your feedback guys, I'll keep you posted!