Miserabilia
June 2nd, 2014, 02:55 PM
So okay, I'm just going to write a whooole bunch of stuff down probably, so If you don't want to read it that's fine i'll have a tl;dr at the bottom.
Anyway.
So as I've posted I've kind of started cutting again recently.
I haven't cut very deep, as a matter of fact it's more a lot of shallow wounds with minor bleeding, etc.
But it's still visable all over my upper arm.
I can't describe how much I hate that it happened now.
Summer is here and I'm going to have to go swimming and have to wear short sleaves.
If I don't the social presure will be too much.
I have now started cutting at my upper legs as it's pretty much the only place that will remain hidden.
I feel so much shame.
I feel shame that I have these things that I can see on my body,
that just remind of a filthy habit and you'd think something like it would be say to stop but it's not.
I thought when I relapsed it'd only be short and of the small intensity as it was before, but it just got worse.
Much worse.
I think about it all the time now.
I have the urge so much to hutr myself and I just want to see the blood come out because I feel like a failure if I don't.
I know alot of you have sunken much deeper but it's the deepest I've ever been and I'm still sinking.
I'm going to have to stop really soon now.
I have no idea how I'm going to manage it.
I thought about this all day and it really made me sick to think of it, what a terrible time to have cut again, how am I supposed to hide it?!
The only option is to stop right now and I wish that was motivation enough but it's getting harder by the day.
I feel even worse because of how paranoid I am someone will find out. I'm ashamsed, so ashamed. I can't imagine what would happen. I feel like everything will end.
I've never been known to have any problems to the outside world. Sure, I've known to be weird or do strange or stupid things, but nobody in my real life knows any of the things that happen inside my head.
I've spent atleast 5 years of my life to build a giant defence to keep those two worlds apart and I can't just break it without breaking everything.
(Sorry for all the metaphors but it's the only way I can explain it wihtout going to real life examples)
I'm the last person people that actualy know me would expect to cut or be depressed, simply because I don't act like it around them. Once I get to know people, I can actualy be quite social with them and make them laugh and act natural. I joke about everything with friends, yes I have even joked about self harm (I know it's not a funny thing, but don't judge me humour is a way of making things socialy acceptable; I wasn't making fun of it)
I know one girl who self harms, because I've seen all her scars. She doesn't even try to hide them so i assume everyone knows. But I feel it's the same for her; she's not as loud as I am often, and a different person, but not stereotypicaly depressed or anything like that.
I feel like often people get so broken on the inside that they have to build up new people around themselves to be them for others.
I know this has been the case for me, to the point where my other me's don't resemble each other.
I like different things than me I act different than me and I like to joke around while me is crying in the corner, etc.
All this combined with social anxiety and paranoia, and ocd-like habits and overthinking, which aren't exactly making me feel better, whiny as it sounds, it all combined is not a nice feeling.
I now spend most of my time at home (Have for several months now),
in the same room with the door and all windows closed and all curtains closed,
because I can't stand the feeling with the curtains open and people being able to look in.
It's so scary to think of what might happen when at one point all the lies, all the fake, all the charade, and with every step I get closer to that point.
I feel like I can make an accurate representation by saying it'll be... about next winter.
How do I know? It's complicated. Many factors involved.
Thanks for anyone that managed to read through all that :lol:
So ANYWAY.
tl;dr
-
I cut myself, scars won't last too long but will be clearly visable for atleast a weak.
Now the problem; I'll have to go to some beach thing tomorrow. It counts as school time and it's obligatory to go and if I don't my parents get notified, etc.
You also have to be in gym or swimming clothing, which means shorts and short sleaves.
I have absolutely no idea what to do.
Anyway.
So as I've posted I've kind of started cutting again recently.
I haven't cut very deep, as a matter of fact it's more a lot of shallow wounds with minor bleeding, etc.
But it's still visable all over my upper arm.
I can't describe how much I hate that it happened now.
Summer is here and I'm going to have to go swimming and have to wear short sleaves.
If I don't the social presure will be too much.
I have now started cutting at my upper legs as it's pretty much the only place that will remain hidden.
I feel so much shame.
I feel shame that I have these things that I can see on my body,
that just remind of a filthy habit and you'd think something like it would be say to stop but it's not.
I thought when I relapsed it'd only be short and of the small intensity as it was before, but it just got worse.
Much worse.
I think about it all the time now.
I have the urge so much to hutr myself and I just want to see the blood come out because I feel like a failure if I don't.
I know alot of you have sunken much deeper but it's the deepest I've ever been and I'm still sinking.
I'm going to have to stop really soon now.
I have no idea how I'm going to manage it.
I thought about this all day and it really made me sick to think of it, what a terrible time to have cut again, how am I supposed to hide it?!
The only option is to stop right now and I wish that was motivation enough but it's getting harder by the day.
I feel even worse because of how paranoid I am someone will find out. I'm ashamsed, so ashamed. I can't imagine what would happen. I feel like everything will end.
I've never been known to have any problems to the outside world. Sure, I've known to be weird or do strange or stupid things, but nobody in my real life knows any of the things that happen inside my head.
I've spent atleast 5 years of my life to build a giant defence to keep those two worlds apart and I can't just break it without breaking everything.
(Sorry for all the metaphors but it's the only way I can explain it wihtout going to real life examples)
I'm the last person people that actualy know me would expect to cut or be depressed, simply because I don't act like it around them. Once I get to know people, I can actualy be quite social with them and make them laugh and act natural. I joke about everything with friends, yes I have even joked about self harm (I know it's not a funny thing, but don't judge me humour is a way of making things socialy acceptable; I wasn't making fun of it)
I know one girl who self harms, because I've seen all her scars. She doesn't even try to hide them so i assume everyone knows. But I feel it's the same for her; she's not as loud as I am often, and a different person, but not stereotypicaly depressed or anything like that.
I feel like often people get so broken on the inside that they have to build up new people around themselves to be them for others.
I know this has been the case for me, to the point where my other me's don't resemble each other.
I like different things than me I act different than me and I like to joke around while me is crying in the corner, etc.
All this combined with social anxiety and paranoia, and ocd-like habits and overthinking, which aren't exactly making me feel better, whiny as it sounds, it all combined is not a nice feeling.
I now spend most of my time at home (Have for several months now),
in the same room with the door and all windows closed and all curtains closed,
because I can't stand the feeling with the curtains open and people being able to look in.
It's so scary to think of what might happen when at one point all the lies, all the fake, all the charade, and with every step I get closer to that point.
I feel like I can make an accurate representation by saying it'll be... about next winter.
How do I know? It's complicated. Many factors involved.
Thanks for anyone that managed to read through all that :lol:
So ANYWAY.
tl;dr
-
I cut myself, scars won't last too long but will be clearly visable for atleast a weak.
Now the problem; I'll have to go to some beach thing tomorrow. It counts as school time and it's obligatory to go and if I don't my parents get notified, etc.
You also have to be in gym or swimming clothing, which means shorts and short sleaves.
I have absolutely no idea what to do.