i have no idea anymore

[sophies_justice]

so i recently started cutting again. i stopped for about two years because i was getting help and i developed an eating disorder, anorexia, so i didn't have to rely on my cutting anymore. but now since i have been out of the hospital and been trying to eat and be more healthly, i started cutting again. it's like i started right where i left off. cutting everyday. always deep. and it makes me feel better, until i realize what i have done and then i feel like crap again. i don't know why i even started it again. i guess because everyone was looking for signs for my ED that i thhought if i started cutting again they wouldn't notice. and they haven't. i mean my therapist knows, but my mom doesn't. sometimes i think if i just get in enough trouble, starve myself to death, cut myself until i won't stop bleeding she'll notice me for one second. but she doesn't, not really. she thinks money can buy my happiness. a new car, a new horse added on to the several i already have. money to shop and buy whatever i want. trips to London over Christmas break with my friends. she doesn't realize that i don't want her money, or all the things she buys me. i just want her to spend time with me. i mean she plans time for us to hang out but then she picks up extra shifts or extra caseloads and ends up canceling our plans. and it makes me crazy. i just want her to pay attention to me. and i'm not saying that is what the cutting is, a way for her to pay attention to me, although partly it is i'm sure, i just want us to be how we were before. and i don't know how to make it go back that way. so i cut and starve myself to feel better about myself, to make the pain go away, only it isn't working. i feel good for awhile and then realize what i have done and feel bad and end up cutting again to feel better. sometimes i just wish i could just end it all, but i don't want to do that because then i wouldn't have my friends and my family, and my horses. i spend more time with my horses than with my mom and i think that it is sad. i just want my mom and i don't think that should be that much to ask for.

[Kaleidoscope Eyes]

:hug: Is it possible to talk to your mom about this? Let her know how you feel? If it's too hard to do or you think she won't listen, I'm sure your therapist wouldn't mind having your mom come in for part of a session so that he/she can help you talk to her. Because the sooner your mom is completely aware of what's going on, the sooner she can start trying to change it.

I wish you the best of luck. We're all here for you. :)

[sophies_justice]

i try to talk to my mom but whenever we actually have the time to be together for more than 5 minutes i don't want to ruin the hapiness by telling her any bad news or anything to bring it all down. i guess i could have my therapist bring her in. he's mentioned it before, but i always was against it because i didn't want to interrupt her work stuff. i guess it shouldn't really matter anymore.

[Techno Monster]

You do matter just talk to her you will be glad you did.

[sophies_justice]

i know i matter to her.but she has a funny way of showing it. i just want to be done with everything. i want to forget everything happened. i want to cut and cut and cut until all the pain, memories, guilt, and shame are gone. i want all the blood out.

i just want to be done. i need help so bad with all this. i don't want to die, i really don't, but i see no other way right now.

[Zephyr]

Hun, I hate guessing what people are feeling but you just want your old life and past to go away and you want a glorious new one to replace what you have right now?

That's natural to feel, that's a large part of why I used to cut, to get rid of the person that I hated in attempt to be somebody else. You just have to realize that things will only get better when you allow them to get better, try just looking foward to seeing the sun rise on another wonderful day in this amazing thing called life, taking up an appreciation in the little things helped me recover from self harm.

To be honest, parental intervention was a good thing for me. When my mom found out, she didn't go berserk like I thought she would. Sure she was upset, but she helped me out a lot in quitting.

You just have to take it one day at a time at your own pace.

Sorry if I went on and on, just trying to help = )

[sophies_justice]

no it's fine.

my mom knows i cut. and i don't want to see the sunrise, when i know that tomorrow is just going to be like today was, completely miserable.

it's all so hard to understand. even to me.

[Axellance]

The key here is to be optimistic. if u go into a day with pesimitic attatude it only makes a day that really wasnt that bad seem as though it was really bad, and a bad day seem horrible. If u start a day thinking oh today is gonna be a really bad day u will become angrey about everthing that doesnt go the way u wanted. if u tell ur self today just might go really good it nakes it eayser to move past little set backs.

[sophies_justice]

so i have been trying so hard these past couple of days to find a way to cope with everything going on. trying to run to release my emotions so i wouldn't cut. talking to a really good friend about everything. but tonight i got into this huge fight with someone really close to me and she has completely written me off. and the worst part is, i did what she says that i did, not knowing or even thinking that it would hurt her. and i feel so bad. i tried to apologize and i told her that i would never do it again, and i know that she just needs time to work through it all before she is probably ready to talk to me, but i feel like i am at the end of ability to handle anything. i am tired of trying toget better, when it just isn't working as fast as i would like it. i want to stop cutting. but i can't seem to, no matter how hard i try. i cut tonight, and it is still bleeding. and it makes me sick to see that i have given in again. i have two bottles of sleeping pills, seroquil and trazedone, that i am thinking of taking. and since my mom has started drinking again, i have some vodka and wine too. and i am 50/50 on what i should do. should i keep trying and failing? or should i just do this, take these pills and drink the alcohol, and end it all? i don't want to die, but i don't want to live like this either. i want help, but i don't know what else to do.

i just don't know...

[theOperaGhost]

Please don't overdose on anything hun. We don't want to see that happen to anyone. Things will get better some time, it might take a while, but just stay strong and you'll make it through it.

[sabotaged111]

EVERYONE MATTERS! :D hope i helped.