I Strive for Perfection=I'm Never Happy with Myself.

[TheN3rdyOutcast]

As the child of two parents who both led successfully mediocre lives, I feel constantly prsssured to be a perfect individual. When I seethat I got a B instead of an A, even if it's just one point off, I feel bad about it , like I robbed a bank. I constantly worry that one or two bad grades will ruin my whole life. (Bad grades-> Don't get into college-> Work at McDonalds-> Smoke ciggarettes behind Walmart...) and no matter how well I'm doing in school, I always get depressed and disgusted with myself when I can't understand a concept.
I am super self concious about my weight, my height my race, my intelligence, my sexuality. Around people my age, I try my absolute hardest to be just like them, but inside, I feel like I'm lying to myself. And while being different makes me feel bad, lying to myself makes me feel worse.
Even though all the signs point to me being gay (or bi-romantic homosexual) I just won't accept the fact that I like guys only. I always wonder why I can't be like the guys, straight. I try to act straight, and hide my feelings towards other guys, but again I feel like I'm lying to myself.
Why can't I be happy with who I am? :(

[CosmicNoodle]

I could never be happy with who I was. In the end I just stopped caring who I was. All I can say is that it worked,
Don't forget, your you, your awesome. There is no one on earth like you. Your a great guy.
How are you enjoying VT so far?

[Karkat]

(Ok, I'm going to ignore the irony, and the unintentional offensive, and just slightly misguided slurs here to focus on your actual problem- which is something I can actually relate to.)

I have this problem as well, and a lot of it has to do with how my parents treated me. That may or may not be your problem, but it's actually kind of irrelevant- you can't fix the past.

The thing is, like my old counselor says, it's pretty fucking arrogant to get down on yourself when you can't perform at superhuman levels of competence and ability. It's actually really egotistical to constantly be down on yourself for just being human.

You know why people don't like the negative blokes? The ones who are CONVINCED they suck at everything, and can't do anything right? For the same reason people don't like the guys who are convinced that they're god and everyone should bow down to them. The thing that both these groups of people have in common (yes- this does include you and I, whether either of us are willing to admit it or not. Our actions, our thoughts put us there by proxy.) is that they're unwilling to accept one simple fact- that they're only human. And humans mess up, and make asses of themselves constantly.

Does that help you get over yourself- so to speak? Like hell it does. If that were true, I would probably be a lot more highly functioning of an individual right now.

However, it is a good thing to think about. It's a place to start.

You want to know how to be happy with who you are? Fuck something up. Mess something up so bad that you are embarrassed for days. Turn in a job application at McDonalds. Skip studying and get a solid passing grade on a test. Smoke a cigarette behind Walmart (though I will admit that I laughed heartily at that part- you really think that's rock bottom? If that's rock bottom, where the hell am I at? :lol: ) Do something you're ASHAMED of. That goes against everything you want to accomplish in life.

Forgive yourself for it, move on. Do something you can be proud of. And if you fuck that up? You'd better fucking forgive yourself. In the end, YOU are all YOU have. No, literally, it's wonderful to have family and friends, passions, a career you love, lifelong goals to meet. But things can go seriously wrong in life, and if you let those get the better of you? You become a self-fulfilling prophecy. "I can't" goes from being a negative, fairly whiny, half-assed, stubborn, bullshit comment to REALITY. And you don't want that to happen!

The best way for that not to happen is to be willing to remember that it will- counterintuitive as it seems. You just have to admit that there are some things you'll fuck up, or have no control over, and not let it get you down.

Perseverance doesn't come from expectation of perfection, it comes from knee-scraping endurance. Tears. Blood. Sweat. Failure. Realizing that it's pretty stupid to wallow in a puddle of tears and resign yourself to "never being good at anything" or "being doomed to fail".

And you know what? As far as you hiding your identity, shame on you. I know that seems harsh, but I'm not trying to insult or reprimand you- I understand struggling with your identity.

I'm not saying shame on you for fearing the judgement of others (which I succumb to so easily you'd think I'd just stay there, crying and floundering while people tell me why I suck) or wanting to fit in, to belong to "just be normal". (I'm mostly over that one by now, but I used to struggle with it a lot.)

I'm saying shame on you for letting others control your life. No one should have to go through the constant stress and fear of wondering "am I good enough?"

And sadly, the only way to stop letting others control your life is to get a grip- which is like, practically impossible without confidence. Self-esteem. Those are the things you need to work on, and in order to work on those, you need to work on remembering that you're human, and that's ok.

[Living For Love]

I worry about my grades a lot too, not just trying to achieve the best I can, I feel like my whole life is centred on my grades and on my performance at school. And when things turn out to be not as good as I expected, I obviously feel really down. You need to set your own objectives and goals and work enough to achieve them. It's not like being perfectionist or hard on yourself are bad things, you only need to make sure those feelings don't get the best of you. About being happy with who you are, that's something you learn as time passes, but I can assure you that pretending being someone you aren't isn't generally a good idea. If you're not comfortable yet to express yourself the way you really are, then try to hide it as much as possible, but don't lose your own personality and your own behaviour. You're a unique person, don't let anyone change that.

[Dalcourt]

As the child of two parents who both led successfully mediocre lives, I feel constantly prsssured to be a perfect individual. When I seethat I got a B instead of an A, even if it's just one point off, I feel bad about it , like I robbed a bank. I constantly worry that one or two bad grades will ruin my whole life. (Bad grades-> Don't get into college-> Work at McDonalds-> Smoke ciggarettes behind Walmart...) and no matter how well I'm doing in school, I always get depressed and disgusted with myself when I can't understand a concept.
I am super self concious about my weight, my height my race, my intelligence, my sexuality. Around people my age, I try my absolute hardest to be just like them, but inside, I feel like I'm lying to myself. And while being different makes me feel bad, lying to myself makes me feel worse.
Even though all the signs point to me being gay (or bi-romantic homosexual) I just won't accept the fact that I like guys only. I always wonder why I can't be like the guys, straight. I try to act straight, and hide my feelings towards other guys, but again I feel like I'm lying to myself.
Why can't I be happy with who I am? :(

Learning to accept yourself for who you really are is an essential part of growing up. I dunno how best to do it, I spent a lot of time worrying that I could be like my parents...who are not mediocre but rock bottom. But honestly, I don't really care anymore. Just worrying makes it even worse. Nobody can be perfect. There's always someone more intelligent, more beautiful, faster, dunno what.
If you allow yourself to fuck up now and then life gets way easier, I promise. You know if you fuck up one thing it's not the end of the world, there's always some plan B...that's how I go about it and it works for me and I'm not that self conscious and depressed as I used to be.

And about your sexuality...well lying to yourself is never a good solution you can try to hide your true sexuality and act straight as you say but believe me you will hurt yourself and others way more than with accepting it.

Being happy with oneself is not easy and it can take long to make progress in accepting yourself step by step...but I'm sure you'll succeed not tomorrow but someday

[TheN3rdyOutcast]

I could never be happy with who I was. In the end I just stopped caring who I was. All I can say is that it worked,
Don't forget, your you, your awesome. There is no one on earth like you. Your a great guy.
How are you enjoying VT so far?

So far I kind of like it here, thx for asking.:D

[CosmicNoodle]

So far I kind of like it here, thx for asking.:D

Great dude, gals you like it. Always good to have someone new on bored :D

[flappybird]

Exams are a bitch and marks don't matter. Please don't fuss over them.

Do what you love, try to be as good as you can at it. If grades come, they come, if they don't, they don't. Grades are generally astonishingly inaccurate at gauging someone's proficiency in a subject. You are old enough to assess yourself. I am the best at programming in my class and I know it. Everyone knows it. Yet half the class gets better marks than me (primarily because of my inability to write fast and their incredible abilities at rote learning and 'marks getting'). But it doesn't bother me at all. Same applies to many other subjects.

Please don't restrict yourself or change yourself because of stupid expectations. Everyone's goal in life should be to be as good as they can at what they do, be happy and make others happy. Society's definition of being 'successful' is laughable and there is no such thing as a 'mediocre family'. Please, please get these thoughts out of your head.

Cheers!

[Aceso]

Hey, I can empathize with you completely. Since I can remember, I've always been totally inadequate. No matter what happens, whether it goes right it's never enough, if it goes wrong it's all my fault. Peer pressure I've found has a phenomenal impact on how you dictate your life. Do you feel like you've set yourself this standard, or have you felt you needed to because of your peers?
With regards to sexuality; it doesn't matter. It really doesn't. Being an exceptional individual and your sexuality are in no way, shape, or form mutually exclusive. Do not think that for a second about yourself and other people. Yes, you are who you are. But you can also nurture that to be the best you can be.
Filling your life full of people who make you feel like it's good to be yourself is absolutely critical. Being around people who make you feel any less than that, or take down your achievements, you don't need them. Dealing with the pressure of achieving academically, try and rationalize it; is one bad grade going to ruin your education? I know my standards have been ridiculously high this year, even for myself too; but I've also given myself insurance. If I don't get the grade I need, then I will just have to retake that exam, and it is very usual for this to happen. There is always a way; and the fact that you're so motivated and driven indicates to me that you will not end up settling for anything less than what you know you can be.
The key to being happy with yourself is understanding you can be proud of yourself, and accept and love yourself while at the same time knowing you can continue to move forward, change, improve and grow. I'm sorry it's not a huge amount of help, but I feel like I'm in a similar place to you and this is what I've been trying to tell myself for the past few years, and when I actually listen to this advice it does work.