Hopeless and helpless

[deadpie]

It's been a while, but I have come back for possible advice because I don't know where else to go. I have zero friends IRL, no goals in life, no aspirations to be something.. I feel extremely alone, especially feeling like I am unable to love someone, because my PTSD only lets me have random sex and I can't hug/kiss someone - it brings me back painful memories. It seems like everyone I've met or anyone that looks at me hates me immediately and I can't see why. I don't know if it's because I'm gay or depressing to be around or I look stupid. I have zero self esteem. I'll turn twenty soon and I've been suicidal since I was nine. I've never had any particularly happy moments in life, which makes it hard for me to think anything will get better.

I'm consumed by my depression and feeling it taking over again. It's a matter of time before I snap and make another attempt or end up in a hospital for self harm and constant relapses on opiates. I just want to feel something real. Maybe it was a bad idea to stop taking medication, but I had been taking it for a fucking decade and it did nothing to me but made me feel like a lab rat.

There's been a few times where I've almost ended up homeless because I work some shitty minimum wage job that I can't live off of and all the people that were once my friends are in college with girlfriends and these happy lives. I'm so jealous of them. I'm afraid I'll live this lifestyle until I decide I've had enough.

I've prob come to the wrong site since I'm much older now, but the other forums I tried didn't help.

[Blood]

It's been a while, but I have come back for possible advice because I don't know where else to go. I have zero friends IRL, no goals in life, no aspirations to be something.

Well why don't you have any? This is your life. You make your own goals and you're responsible for your own happiness. If you have no goals or aspirations, there is no better time than right now to start making them. Get out there and find something new that you're interested in or or passionate about. Have you graduated high school? Have you considered going to a community college?

I feel extremely alone, especially feeling like I am unable to love someone, because my PTSD only lets me have random sex and I can't hug/kiss someone - it brings me back painful memories. It seems like everyone I've met or anyone that looks at me hates me immediately and I can't see why. I don't know if it's because I'm gay or depressing to be around or I look stupid. I have zero self esteem. I'll turn twenty soon and I've been suicidal since I was nine. I've never had any particularly happy moments in life, which makes it hard for me to think anything will get better.

Loneliness is really emotionally challenging to deal with. I really doubt everyone you meet hates you though. The thing about having zero self esteem is that you tend to bring yourself down and you view yourself as a shitty person, and that makes you believe that other people see you as the same. But it's not true.

If you're depressing to be around, people aren't going to want to be around you. You can fake it till you make it or you can try to find something that makes you happy and stick with it. Pick up a new hobby, start working out, volunteer; do SOMETHING with yourself that keeps you busy. Happy moments don't make themselves, you're going to have to start doing that.

I'm consumed by my depression and feeling it taking over again. It's a matter of time before I snap and make another attempt or end up in a hospital for self harm and constant relapses on opiates. I just want to feel something real. Maybe it was a bad idea to stop taking medication, but I had been taking it for a fucking decade and it did nothing to me but made me feel like a lab rat.

There's been a few times where I've almost ended up homeless because I work some shitty minimum wage job that I can't live off of and all the people that were once my friends are in college with girlfriends and these happy lives. I'm so jealous of them. I'm afraid I'll live this lifestyle until I decide I've had enough.

I've prob come to the wrong site since I'm much older now, but the other forums I tried didn't help.

Have you tried talking to a therapist or anything about how you feel? VT can only help so much. We're not professionals, and you've been dealing with this for a long time.

Tim, just remember that life can get better. This doesn't have to be all there is for you. Life is entirely what you make it.

[deadpie]

Get out there and find something new that you're interested in or or passionate about. Have you graduated high school? Have you considered going to a community college?

I graduated at 15 1/2 and went to a community college for two years, but it didn't really help me much on finding what to do. The things I'm passionate about are writing and music, which you can't really make a living off of.

Pick up a new hobby, start working out, volunteer; do SOMETHING with yourself that keeps you busy. Happy moments don't make themselves, you're going to have to start doing that.

Eh, I have tried finding things through spirituality, religion, I've done lots of volunteer work in my life for homeless shelters and helping retired peeps. I used to play baseball and exercise a lot, but when I started using drugs I got lazy and I've been like that ever since. I meditate for an hour or two every few days.. But it's almost like I would need to meditate for 6 hours or take opiates to get through the day.

I've seen therapists and stuff but not for over a year now.. I can't afford one lol. For my Bday I'd like to start seeing a new one. :l

[Blood]

I graduated at 15 1/2 and went to a community college for two years, but it didn't really help me much on finding what to do. The things I'm passionate about are writing and music, which you can't really make a living off of.

You don't have to make a living off of something for it to make you happy. If you're passionate about music and writing, start doing something with them. You might not make a living doing whatever it is you'll do, but who knows? You might. If it makes you happy, that's motivation enough.



Eh, I have tried finding things through spirituality, religion, I've done lots of volunteer work in my life for homeless shelters and helping retired peeps. I used to play baseball and exercise a lot, but when I started using drugs I got lazy and I've been like that ever since. I meditate for an hour or two every few days.. But it's almost like I would need to meditate for 6 hours or take opiates to get through the day.

I've seen therapists and stuff but not for over a year now.. I can't afford one lol. For my Bday I'd like to start seeing a new one. :l

Looking for answers in a religion is just going to let you down...there's too many what if's and but's and restrictions.

If you're still doing drugs you should probably try to get help soon. In most states there's usually some free programs to help.

[JamesSuperBoy]

Ok- do not assume everyone else is on the Happy life trail - everyone as problems or issues to deal with.

You have almost been homeless - but are not so yeah you got over that and some shitty job well is it better than no job.

Take care -

[Microcosm]

Do what makes you happy. If music and writing are things you enjoy then just do them. Don't worry about whether you'll make a living off of them or not. Also, there are online communities dedicated to exposing your writing and music to the world. Maybe you could find some online motivation by sharing your work with others. Just do what makes you happy. Try not to worry about other people too much and how they think about you. Just do what you do because you enjoy doing it.

Hope I helped. Best of luck to you.