Lovelife090994
May 29th, 2014, 07:30 PM
I feel pitiful. No I feel worse that than. I feel unloved, unlovable, lost, alone, hurt and confused. I don't have any hope left. I hate how much loneliness and sadness hurt but I have no one to turn to. My mother is all I have yet she never really gets me. I can't tell her everything wrong with me. Worse I can't even cry when I really want to so I end up feeling worse. I feel like a stone on the shore being bashed. I see no hope or future, I don't think highly of how things will go in college or life. I don't feel like I could ever find friends, love, or hope. I feel beneath everything. I pray and I pray but I still feel pain. I don't even feel like I love anyone, but if I tell my family that then they'll die of heartbreak. I just hate it. I am always ashamed for feeling sad, and I'm so unhappy and scared. I am extremely shy, and I hate talking face-to-face with anyone.
It can be hard since I would love these problems to leave. Identity problems? Oh, you don't know the half of it. Try this; I've been pretty much bi-gender (very close to transgender) since forever, I've liked guys and girls but mostly guys just as long, I hated my body for being so skinny regardless of gender I felt living as, my faith, my parents, and the fact that even now and later I live as this upright boyish-boy who really is just living that way to not get evicted and since identity discovery is important.
I think because I have never been able to be true to myself or even been able to explore to be true to myself that I've come to hate myself. Because what I am isn't me. I'm still shy and my personality never changed but I was never able to be how I wanted. Being told I can't do this or you can't talk to me softer because I'm a "boy-child" is crazy. I almost don't care if I give my family heart attacks. If you can't get the fact that out of over 100 years some one in the family is different and not by choice then good-riddance. I know, bad thoughts but it's how I feel. I literally made some faux colored lip gloss to make myself feel more girly while my mom was gone at work. We go through a lot here, I love my mom, I just hate how judgmental she is. But you know what? She problem can't help it nor will she change.
If I could, I'd be this bisexual girl-looking guy. I'd still identify as a male and let people use either gender pronouns since I'm not ditching the penis, I just want to look and act as a girl. That can't be the worst thing to let someone do, not when others are killing people. The whole system, what's expected of me from, education, living as the man God would have me be, being ideal, living fully Biblically-Christian, having kids, marrying a woman or marrying a woman period later, having to know my life plans, it's all so much, and I'm sorry but I'm not okay with all that put on me at the age of 19. I just can't please you and myself at the same time, and then fear you'll stop loving me for being me. After all, if a person stops loving you then they probably didn't love you in the first place. I just hate all of this confusion, it eats at me. I wish I was able to be me even if I have to find what that "me" is.
Sorry, long rant, I just wish I could be and find myself. Growing up I never had someone to confide in, not even my school friends would hear me on this stuff.
I feel as if I can never be free. I feel so dirty, low, and rock-bottom. I need help but I have no clue how to get it. The depression only gets worse, and I sometimes hear voices saying how I'll never make it. I don't fit in anywhere, I'm awkward, I'm different, and I'm always sad. I hate sunny and happy, and I hate confrontation yet I'm lonely. My nightmares are me growing up with no one. And the idea of my family leaving me if they find out the truth.
I almost feel crazy. The sadness and emotional turmoil just keep eating at me and it never leaves no matter what I do. I can't even seem to cry it out. My eyes are dry but I'm not.
It can be hard since I would love these problems to leave. Identity problems? Oh, you don't know the half of it. Try this; I've been pretty much bi-gender (very close to transgender) since forever, I've liked guys and girls but mostly guys just as long, I hated my body for being so skinny regardless of gender I felt living as, my faith, my parents, and the fact that even now and later I live as this upright boyish-boy who really is just living that way to not get evicted and since identity discovery is important.
I think because I have never been able to be true to myself or even been able to explore to be true to myself that I've come to hate myself. Because what I am isn't me. I'm still shy and my personality never changed but I was never able to be how I wanted. Being told I can't do this or you can't talk to me softer because I'm a "boy-child" is crazy. I almost don't care if I give my family heart attacks. If you can't get the fact that out of over 100 years some one in the family is different and not by choice then good-riddance. I know, bad thoughts but it's how I feel. I literally made some faux colored lip gloss to make myself feel more girly while my mom was gone at work. We go through a lot here, I love my mom, I just hate how judgmental she is. But you know what? She problem can't help it nor will she change.
If I could, I'd be this bisexual girl-looking guy. I'd still identify as a male and let people use either gender pronouns since I'm not ditching the penis, I just want to look and act as a girl. That can't be the worst thing to let someone do, not when others are killing people. The whole system, what's expected of me from, education, living as the man God would have me be, being ideal, living fully Biblically-Christian, having kids, marrying a woman or marrying a woman period later, having to know my life plans, it's all so much, and I'm sorry but I'm not okay with all that put on me at the age of 19. I just can't please you and myself at the same time, and then fear you'll stop loving me for being me. After all, if a person stops loving you then they probably didn't love you in the first place. I just hate all of this confusion, it eats at me. I wish I was able to be me even if I have to find what that "me" is.
Sorry, long rant, I just wish I could be and find myself. Growing up I never had someone to confide in, not even my school friends would hear me on this stuff.
I feel as if I can never be free. I feel so dirty, low, and rock-bottom. I need help but I have no clue how to get it. The depression only gets worse, and I sometimes hear voices saying how I'll never make it. I don't fit in anywhere, I'm awkward, I'm different, and I'm always sad. I hate sunny and happy, and I hate confrontation yet I'm lonely. My nightmares are me growing up with no one. And the idea of my family leaving me if they find out the truth.
I almost feel crazy. The sadness and emotional turmoil just keep eating at me and it never leaves no matter what I do. I can't even seem to cry it out. My eyes are dry but I'm not.