Internal conflict as a boyfriend

[BallisLife24]

I'm having internal issues in my relationship and really need help because it nags at me all day everyday and I want it to stop. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Alright so I was in a relationship with this girl on and off for about 4 years. I was head over heels for this girl, but she treated me extremely poorly. She used me and took me for granted and took advantage of me and I was able to deal with it because I loved her that much. She broke up with me roughly 8 times and came back to me 7 times and everytime I willingly took her back hoping things would be different. She would promise me that things would be different and that she loved me like no other and that I was her one and only. But sure enough, HEARTBREAK. I was so hurt by the things she did. She cheated and did drugs behind my back and would lie about things. She would make me feel bad for things that I didn't do wrong and would blame our relationship failures on me. She would somehow find a way to make me feel bad about everything.
So about half a year later I met this amazing girl. I was really attracted to her and quickly fell in love with everything about her. SHE was perfection in my eyes. I felt something I had never felt before. We made things official in February and we were perfect. She warned me that she was a handful and had mood swings and sometimes wasn't the kindest person and I gladly accepted that. I was prepared for that because she was absolutely amazing. Our relationship was perfect at first and I was the happiest I had ever been. But recently she's been a little more distant. Not as affectionate, and seemed a little stressed. She went from always wanting to text me to taking a while to reply. I know in my heart that this is the way she is and that everything is fine but I keep having repressed memories of how horrible my ex was. I find it hard to trust her and I'm always suspicious. When she takes a while to reply I assume it's cause she's texting another guy. When she says she's staying after school I assume it's to talk to other guys. But I know she wouldn't do that to me, but her way of being scared me into thinking that she's losing interest in me. My ex would tell me she loved me one day then break up with me shortly after and I feel like I'm supposed to be prepared for that to happen again.
My current girlfriend has done nothing to lose my trust but for some reason I seem to find it hard to trust. Probably because my ex lied about everything. I just want my jealousy and thoughts to stop because this girl makes me the happiest I've ever been in my life and I really could see myself marrying her and being with her forever if only my thoughts would leave. Any advice? Please and thank you!

[CharlieHorse]

Nathan, you're by nature, a sweet guy for holding on to love through all sorts of complications. I myself am like that as well, and often, I've led myself after girls that only hurt me. I know that feeling of mistrust and worry. It's unnecessary, and impractical, but it comes from unfortunate conditioning. It will probably take some effort to get over them, but it is definitely possible.
From what you've said, it seems that there are a few options that you could take:
-You could continue to love and be with this new girl, and after a while, your trust with her will build. Your thoughts of mistrust and worry could fade in time. Again, this will probably take some effort.
-You could also talk to her about it. Tell her just about everything you've written here. She'll most likely understand and help you in any way you can. Knowing that your loved one knows your internal conflicts can take a huge weight of your shoulders, and it can pave the way for you two in conquering these thoughts together.
-You could also talk to a professional therapist or psychologist. This type of thinking is complex, and could even be classified as anxiety. A professional will have better insight on this sort of problem, and might know some better options or ideas for healing and moving on from the bad experiences.


I have a few random questions :P
-how long have you been with this new girl?
-does she know about your previous relationship and/or the trouble you're experiencing?
-how comfortable are you with sharing information like this with her? do you think she'll be understanding and willing to help you with it?

[Music Lover]

Nathan, you're by nature, a sweet guy for holding on to love through all sorts of complications. I myself am like that as well, and often, I've led myself after girls that only hurt me. I know that feeling of mistrust and worry. It's unnecessary, and impractical, but it comes from unfortunate conditioning. It will probably take some effort to get over them, but it is definitely possible.
From what you've said, it seems that there are a few options that you could take:
-You could continue to love and be with this new girl, and after a while, your trust with her will build. Your thoughts of mistrust and worry could fade in time. Again, this will probably take some effort.
-You could also talk to her about it. Tell her just about everything you've written here. She'll most likely understand and help you in any way you can. Knowing that your loved one knows your internal conflicts can take a huge weight of your shoulders, and it can pave the way for you two in conquering these thoughts together.
-You could also talk to a professional therapist or psychologist. This type of thinking is complex, and could even be classified as anxiety. A professional will have better insight on this sort of problem, and might know some better options or ideas for healing and moving on from the bad experiences.


I have a few random questions :P
-how long have you been with this new girl?
-does she know about your previous relationship and/or the trouble you're experiencing?
-how comfortable are you with sharing information like this with her? do you think she'll be understanding and willing to help you with it?

+1

Tell her about your concerns, your insecurities and stress and ask for her support in overcoming them.

Other general ideas: Make good friendship with her a top priority. Be a good friend to her, 'cause this will make the relationship better :)

Another idea: Invest time weekly or daily into increasing your self-confidence. For example watch motivational videos. (There are numerous other ways too :) ) Increasing self-confidence will make the paranoia less scarce.

Last one: Maximise time together. If all you do is text or even talk on the phone, it is worse than if you spent that time together hanging out and talking. Not saying it is bad or you should stop texting or phonecalls, but try and find if you can hang out more, if you aren't hanging that often currently.

[BallisLife24]

Nathan, you're by nature, a sweet guy for holding on to love through all sorts of complications. I myself am like that as well, and often, I've led myself after girls that only hurt me. I know that feeling of mistrust and worry. It's unnecessary, and impractical, but it comes from unfortunate conditioning. It will probably take some effort to get over them, but it is definitely possible.
From what you've said, it seems that there are a few options that you could take:
-You could continue to love and be with this new girl, and after a while, your trust with her will build. Your thoughts of mistrust and worry could fade in time. Again, this will probably take some effort.
-You could also talk to her about it. Tell her just about everything you've written here. She'll most likely understand and help you in any way you can. Knowing that your loved one knows your internal conflicts can take a huge weight of your shoulders, and it can pave the way for you two in conquering these thoughts together.
-You could also talk to a professional therapist or psychologist. This type of thinking is complex, and could even be classified as anxiety. A professional will have better insight on this sort of problem, and might know some better options or ideas for healing and moving on from the bad experiences.


I have a few random questions :P
-how long have you been with this new girl?
-does she know about your previous relationship and/or the trouble you're experiencing?
-how comfortable are you with sharing information like this with her? do you think she'll be understanding and willing to help you with it?

Thanks a lot, I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who's like this. It's a sense of relief knowing I'm not an outcast. Your advice helped quite a bit. I've wanted to talk to her about it but never knew how to bring it up. And I'm afraid she'd be offended because, to answer one of your questions, she does know about my ex, but not the whole story. She's knows my ex cheated and did drugs but I never told her the effects it had on me. We've officially been together for a little over three months. But we started talking about half a year ago and she knew that I liked her and I knew that she liked me but she wasn't ready for a relationship. It wasn't until December that we decided we'd try things out as a couple but didn't make it official until this February. So I guess you could say about 5 months? I'm extremely comfortable with her. I tell her everything that goes on with me but I'm hesitant about this because SHES not exactly great at communicating feelings. There's been times that I tell her I'm insecure and she just says "don't be" so I'm afraid how this conversation will go. And when I tell her that I feel she's been distant or less affectionate she says "don't worry about, it doesn't mean anything. I tol you I have mood swings and sometimes I'm not in the greatest mood for no reason. Don't take it personal" but I just have to because when my ex got distant and lacked affection if usually meant the end was near. Ya know?

+1

Tell her about your concerns, your insecurities and stress and ask for her support in overcoming them.

Other general ideas: Make good friendship with her a top priority. Be a good friend to her, 'cause this will make the relationship better :)

Another idea: Invest time weekly or daily into increasing your self-confidence. For example watch motivational videos. (There are numerous other ways too :) ) Increasing self-confidence will make the paranoia less scarce.

Last one: Maximise time together. If all you do is text or even talk on the phone, it is worse than if you spent that time together hanging out and talking. Not saying it is bad or you should stop texting or phonecalls, but try and find if you can hang out more, if you aren't hanging that often currently.

I see what you mean as well and it did help. The thing with me is that I changed as well when we decided to take our relationship to another level and maybe she noticed? Like as far as building up confidence; I was the most confident person you'd ever meet. I'm one of the best basketball players in the city, varsity team captain, every one the school knows and loves me and i love it. But as soon as we made things official everything went away. I need constant reassurance that she still loves me because my ex girlfriend LITERALLY said she loved me Saturday night and broke up with me Wednesday morning. And I think that's why I've been somewhat insecure now because I feel if she tells me she loves me one day, it doesn't mean she'll mean it the next you know? Before out relationship, we were the best of friends. She told me she trusted me like no other guy and the feeling was mutual. We would joke as friends and tease each other as friends and would insult each other jokingly. And as soon as we became a couple, I began to take all those jokes and playful insults to heart and would become hurt, making me think she was being serious. Thus the reason I need constant validation when it shouldn't be necessary. I know it can get annoying.

[Music Lover]

I see what you mean as well and it did help. The thing with me is that I changed as well when we decided to take our relationship to another level and maybe she noticed? Like as far as building up confidence; I was the most confident person you'd ever meet. I'm one of the best basketball players in the city, varsity team captain, every one the school knows and loves me and i love it. But as soon as we made things official everything went away. I need constant reassurance that she still loves me because my ex girlfriend LITERALLY said she loved me Saturday night and broke up with me Wednesday morning. And I think that's why I've been somewhat insecure now because I feel if she tells me she loves me one day, it doesn't mean she'll mean it the next you know? Before out relationship, we were the best of friends. She told me she trusted me like no other guy and the feeling was mutual. We would joke as friends and tease each other as friends and would insult each other jokingly. And as soon as we became a couple, I began to take all those jokes and playful insults to heart and would become hurt, making me think she was being serious. Thus the reason I need constant validation when it shouldn't be necessary. I know it can get annoying.

Sounds good on most parts as regarding your friendship :)

Just one more thing: try to pinpoint why the change happened with the joking. What change caused you to start taking these jokes to yourself? Is it because after entering a relationship you have more need to find 'approval', rather than before when it was just a friendship?
Is it because you two are closer now and that makes it more personal?
Is it because you perceive that a good friendship are very different from each other? I.e. entering a SERIOUS relationship can't have jokes lol :P
There are probably other possibilities but I can't think of any more

About the talking, jsut ask her to listen. Explain that you know she's not that fluent at communicating feelings, but you want to tell her about yours and want her to listen.
I would also encourage her to talk to you more about her feelings, even though it is challenging if that's something you've never done before.