ryokuthefox
May 22nd, 2014, 01:07 PM
Before anyone reads any further, this topic will probably be a trigger to anyone trying to get clean. So to anyone who's SH is sensitive to the harming of others or other's daily troubles, my advice to you would be to avoid this topic.
So my question to everyone on here who self harms is how does SH feel to you? What sensations do you get after cutting or any other form of harm?
I apologize if this is a trigger, I'm merely curious as to why other people turn to cutting.
For me, I've been cutting anytime I feel out of control. I've only recently started and so far I haven't done it very often, but when something happens in my life that I have no control over, I either get this (probably) obsessive compulsive need to make my body feel entirely even (if two fingers are touching on one hand, then the same two fingers have to be touching on the other hand), or I get this itch to hurt myself that's like an impulse in the back of my head and won't go away until I feel enough pain.
The first time was after a fight with my dad. I couldn't make him understand my point, and he wouldn't let me walk away until I said what he wanted me to say. The most recent time was this morning. Someone who came into my life, made me fall in love with him until I found out he is married, humiliated me, ruined my relationship with my parents, wrecked my self esteem, and sent me into a depression worse than any other depression I've ever experienced, is now BENEFITING in his life and his marriage from what he did to me. He did not get into any trouble for tricking and taking advantage of me, and now he and his wife are closer than ever, proving that I was entirely worthless, completely disposable. His life is better while I'm left sobbing on the floor in the broken pieces of my shattered life. This is the ultimate loss of control for me, and I couldn't stop sobbing this morning after I found this out about him, until I grabbed my makeshift plastic sharp edge and cut myself.
When I did it, I didn't need to cry anymore. I was able to stop immediately, just like the first time I had cut. It was this feeling of releasing all those emotions that had been flowing out as tears. This lifting weight off my back and unclenching of the fist around my heart. The physical pain made the emotional pain fade away entirely. It was the biggest relief I could have asked for.
Sorry, this turned into a bit of a rant about my own life here. I just really need to express this to someone, and I don't have any close friends right now.
How does cutting feel to everyone else? What feelings does it give you while you're doing it, or after you do it? What makes you feel the need to do it?
Once again, apologies if this is a trigger. I'm merely looking to find others who understand.
So my question to everyone on here who self harms is how does SH feel to you? What sensations do you get after cutting or any other form of harm?
I apologize if this is a trigger, I'm merely curious as to why other people turn to cutting.
For me, I've been cutting anytime I feel out of control. I've only recently started and so far I haven't done it very often, but when something happens in my life that I have no control over, I either get this (probably) obsessive compulsive need to make my body feel entirely even (if two fingers are touching on one hand, then the same two fingers have to be touching on the other hand), or I get this itch to hurt myself that's like an impulse in the back of my head and won't go away until I feel enough pain.
The first time was after a fight with my dad. I couldn't make him understand my point, and he wouldn't let me walk away until I said what he wanted me to say. The most recent time was this morning. Someone who came into my life, made me fall in love with him until I found out he is married, humiliated me, ruined my relationship with my parents, wrecked my self esteem, and sent me into a depression worse than any other depression I've ever experienced, is now BENEFITING in his life and his marriage from what he did to me. He did not get into any trouble for tricking and taking advantage of me, and now he and his wife are closer than ever, proving that I was entirely worthless, completely disposable. His life is better while I'm left sobbing on the floor in the broken pieces of my shattered life. This is the ultimate loss of control for me, and I couldn't stop sobbing this morning after I found this out about him, until I grabbed my makeshift plastic sharp edge and cut myself.
When I did it, I didn't need to cry anymore. I was able to stop immediately, just like the first time I had cut. It was this feeling of releasing all those emotions that had been flowing out as tears. This lifting weight off my back and unclenching of the fist around my heart. The physical pain made the emotional pain fade away entirely. It was the biggest relief I could have asked for.
Sorry, this turned into a bit of a rant about my own life here. I just really need to express this to someone, and I don't have any close friends right now.
How does cutting feel to everyone else? What feelings does it give you while you're doing it, or after you do it? What makes you feel the need to do it?
Once again, apologies if this is a trigger. I'm merely looking to find others who understand.