Aceso
May 22nd, 2014, 12:35 PM
Where do I start?
Today is my 17th birthday. I'm in the middle of exams. And my life is coming apart at the seams.
I've been struggling for a long time now. A long, long time. And things had been okay, until this point. And I've been desperately trying to hold it all together, but there's always one thing or another. And now I think it's time to admit I'm not okay. I've probably left it a bit late, things haven't been okay for months, but I've been very scared about what I do when I finally admit it.
A few months ago my stepmother, who I have become very close with, was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I'm not sure why, but this seemed to trigger off extreme bouts of anxiety or panic attacks, which now happen fairly regularly over anything and everything that worries me. It has frequently been severe enough to make me involuntary vomit, and causes periods of depersonalization or disassociation. The anxiety is always residual, regardless of what I'm doing it's always in the pit of my stomach and I am always unsettled. I feel like I lose days or nights at a time where I cannot sleep or function properly.
As I mentioned before, I am in the middle of my exam period, and for the first time in my life I believe I have achieved poorly. I am not good at much, so my academic achievement has always been the sole most important thing to me as it is all that keeps me going at times. It honestly means the world to me and I understand I can retake, but next year I worry I will be overloaded if I do. And now I've done a few poorly, it has only exponentially increased the anxiety but I've relapsed to old coping methods too.
The purging has gotten bad, really bad. It's a daily occurrence now, that or chewing and spitting, over and over. It's affected me mentally, socially and physically. I've lost friends over it, and It controls me; I feel out of my depth. It's severely affected my diabetic control now, I am constantly rising and crashing. My vision has also clouded over a few times, which has terrified me to the point at times where I cannot sleep.
I'm just a total wreck. I need to pull something together, but I have no idea what. My main concern is my exams, I know if I could relax about that, the anxiety and the eating disorder would calm too. But I'm scared it's too late, so I have no idea what to do.
I'm sorry for ranting, I'm just really scared right now, and I don't know how to talk to anyone who cares for me about this. I don't even know how to make it better, my head just never stops and I'm exhausted, and I'm not sure I can fight anymore.
Today is my 17th birthday. I'm in the middle of exams. And my life is coming apart at the seams.
I've been struggling for a long time now. A long, long time. And things had been okay, until this point. And I've been desperately trying to hold it all together, but there's always one thing or another. And now I think it's time to admit I'm not okay. I've probably left it a bit late, things haven't been okay for months, but I've been very scared about what I do when I finally admit it.
A few months ago my stepmother, who I have become very close with, was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I'm not sure why, but this seemed to trigger off extreme bouts of anxiety or panic attacks, which now happen fairly regularly over anything and everything that worries me. It has frequently been severe enough to make me involuntary vomit, and causes periods of depersonalization or disassociation. The anxiety is always residual, regardless of what I'm doing it's always in the pit of my stomach and I am always unsettled. I feel like I lose days or nights at a time where I cannot sleep or function properly.
As I mentioned before, I am in the middle of my exam period, and for the first time in my life I believe I have achieved poorly. I am not good at much, so my academic achievement has always been the sole most important thing to me as it is all that keeps me going at times. It honestly means the world to me and I understand I can retake, but next year I worry I will be overloaded if I do. And now I've done a few poorly, it has only exponentially increased the anxiety but I've relapsed to old coping methods too.
The purging has gotten bad, really bad. It's a daily occurrence now, that or chewing and spitting, over and over. It's affected me mentally, socially and physically. I've lost friends over it, and It controls me; I feel out of my depth. It's severely affected my diabetic control now, I am constantly rising and crashing. My vision has also clouded over a few times, which has terrified me to the point at times where I cannot sleep.
I'm just a total wreck. I need to pull something together, but I have no idea what. My main concern is my exams, I know if I could relax about that, the anxiety and the eating disorder would calm too. But I'm scared it's too late, so I have no idea what to do.
I'm sorry for ranting, I'm just really scared right now, and I don't know how to talk to anyone who cares for me about this. I don't even know how to make it better, my head just never stops and I'm exhausted, and I'm not sure I can fight anymore.