Navi
May 20th, 2014, 11:30 PM
I honestly hate making threads or talking about stuff in general, but, idunno what else I can do.
How do I feel right now? Lost. Alone. Confused. I don't know how else to describe what I feel. I had a good, oh, six weeks or so where I felt pretty good. Not a lot went wrong, for the most part. Went on a trip. Felt pretty good after that, until about a week ago. I feel like the worst person. I'll admit, some are through actions of my own. Others, I feel like they're out of my control.
I don't know where to start. Family, I guess. I've never felt "connected" with practically anyone. Parents? Well, they were together. They got divorced. I never really cared to spend my time at dad's when needed (thanks to my mom's words about him through the process and through my own thoughts). I honestly can't stand mother either. Sounds selfish.
Dad- he works, comes home, goes right back out to gamble. No point in me going over if he won't even be there, right? When he is there, he's locked in his room, playing poker on his computer. Been like that for about ten years. Whenever I wanted to go out back and play ball with him and my brother, it was a chore. He'd never get away from the computer long enough to play a game of ball. We did get to play, though. Those games didn't last long, though. When he took us places, he always rushed us through. Never had fun, unless it was him sitting at the poker table.
Mom- always the worker. she works, comes home, does even more work, then practically heads to bed. She rarely took us anywhere since she worked. Now, she's supporting us all by herself, work's even busier, and I don't spend time with her unless I 'go to work' with her. That's just sitting in a car for an hour or two. We can't go a day without arguing about the stupidest things. I don't even know why. I'm doing my best to do what I need. I've been needing help with math for the past MONTH, and she always says "I'm working" or "I'm too tired". However, my brother needs help with something and he gets helped right away. She asks for me to be available right away if she needs something, but she won't help me if I need it. Not to mention, she puts me down anytime I try helping out.
Both parents also just seem to have a general disinterest in my hobbies. Granted, my favorite things to do aren't everyone's favorite, but, at least pay attention to what I have to say. No one remembers what I say, and whenever I talk, I don't get a response or I just get an "mhmm". It's frustrating.
I feel like a stranger and an enemy to my family. I'm not "close" to any family, even my own siblings. There's no sense of love at all, in my opinion. It just feels tense all around. I don't really know much of my family either. There's always some sort of drama. I just feel disconnected from everyone, and I bet they feel the same of me.
Is it wrong of me to want to, just, well, drop off the face of the earth family-wise? I feel they've done nothing but hold me back my whole life. It'd feel like a weight off my shoulders if I could just forget them all after I move out and move on. I'd just feel guilty, though, say something bad happens to anyone in the family. Other than that, I feel no need to stay connected with anyone.
Friendship-wise.... I only have my acquaintances. I don't trust anyone in real life. Everyone seems so fake. Why open up to them? I don't have any best friends I can be sincerely honest with. The only person in real life I've been able to get remotely honest with is my youth pastor, and even then there's only so much I can talk about. What would happen if I came out of the closet? That would be absolute social suicide. I'm a huge volunteer in the church. Being anything but straight would guarantee me being kicked out. Especially in any role working with the children. I do my best to work with people- tell them to be the best they can be and be as honest as possible, but yet I can't bring myself to do the same thing.
I want to be social with everyone. Be friends with as many people as possible, but I just can't stand anyone around me. I've practically ended any friendships I've had online and in real life.
I'm still bashing my appearance and everything about myself. I'm nothing impressive. I'm just a human. One out of seven+ billion. I'm not smart. I'm one of the ugliest people I know, yet I keep chowing down on unhealthy food and not doing anything to change. I've been waiting to hear back on a college application, and I haven't heard a darn thing. It's alright, though- I've been rejected many-a-times. Getting rejected again won't matter.
There's so much more I could say, but I'll just end it here.
Long story short- I feel like the worst human that could exist. I had a good six week run where I was feeling fine, but now I'm stuck in a rut again. I don't know if I'm just ranting or asking for advice, but I just honestly don't know what to do with myself. I don't really have much hope for myself.
anyways, thanks for listening. i'll shut up now.
How do I feel right now? Lost. Alone. Confused. I don't know how else to describe what I feel. I had a good, oh, six weeks or so where I felt pretty good. Not a lot went wrong, for the most part. Went on a trip. Felt pretty good after that, until about a week ago. I feel like the worst person. I'll admit, some are through actions of my own. Others, I feel like they're out of my control.
I don't know where to start. Family, I guess. I've never felt "connected" with practically anyone. Parents? Well, they were together. They got divorced. I never really cared to spend my time at dad's when needed (thanks to my mom's words about him through the process and through my own thoughts). I honestly can't stand mother either. Sounds selfish.
Dad- he works, comes home, goes right back out to gamble. No point in me going over if he won't even be there, right? When he is there, he's locked in his room, playing poker on his computer. Been like that for about ten years. Whenever I wanted to go out back and play ball with him and my brother, it was a chore. He'd never get away from the computer long enough to play a game of ball. We did get to play, though. Those games didn't last long, though. When he took us places, he always rushed us through. Never had fun, unless it was him sitting at the poker table.
Mom- always the worker. she works, comes home, does even more work, then practically heads to bed. She rarely took us anywhere since she worked. Now, she's supporting us all by herself, work's even busier, and I don't spend time with her unless I 'go to work' with her. That's just sitting in a car for an hour or two. We can't go a day without arguing about the stupidest things. I don't even know why. I'm doing my best to do what I need. I've been needing help with math for the past MONTH, and she always says "I'm working" or "I'm too tired". However, my brother needs help with something and he gets helped right away. She asks for me to be available right away if she needs something, but she won't help me if I need it. Not to mention, she puts me down anytime I try helping out.
Both parents also just seem to have a general disinterest in my hobbies. Granted, my favorite things to do aren't everyone's favorite, but, at least pay attention to what I have to say. No one remembers what I say, and whenever I talk, I don't get a response or I just get an "mhmm". It's frustrating.
I feel like a stranger and an enemy to my family. I'm not "close" to any family, even my own siblings. There's no sense of love at all, in my opinion. It just feels tense all around. I don't really know much of my family either. There's always some sort of drama. I just feel disconnected from everyone, and I bet they feel the same of me.
Is it wrong of me to want to, just, well, drop off the face of the earth family-wise? I feel they've done nothing but hold me back my whole life. It'd feel like a weight off my shoulders if I could just forget them all after I move out and move on. I'd just feel guilty, though, say something bad happens to anyone in the family. Other than that, I feel no need to stay connected with anyone.
Friendship-wise.... I only have my acquaintances. I don't trust anyone in real life. Everyone seems so fake. Why open up to them? I don't have any best friends I can be sincerely honest with. The only person in real life I've been able to get remotely honest with is my youth pastor, and even then there's only so much I can talk about. What would happen if I came out of the closet? That would be absolute social suicide. I'm a huge volunteer in the church. Being anything but straight would guarantee me being kicked out. Especially in any role working with the children. I do my best to work with people- tell them to be the best they can be and be as honest as possible, but yet I can't bring myself to do the same thing.
I want to be social with everyone. Be friends with as many people as possible, but I just can't stand anyone around me. I've practically ended any friendships I've had online and in real life.
I'm still bashing my appearance and everything about myself. I'm nothing impressive. I'm just a human. One out of seven+ billion. I'm not smart. I'm one of the ugliest people I know, yet I keep chowing down on unhealthy food and not doing anything to change. I've been waiting to hear back on a college application, and I haven't heard a darn thing. It's alright, though- I've been rejected many-a-times. Getting rejected again won't matter.
There's so much more I could say, but I'll just end it here.
Long story short- I feel like the worst human that could exist. I had a good six week run where I was feeling fine, but now I'm stuck in a rut again. I don't know if I'm just ranting or asking for advice, but I just honestly don't know what to do with myself. I don't really have much hope for myself.
anyways, thanks for listening. i'll shut up now.