Cognizant
May 19th, 2014, 10:21 PM
*this is a long post, I'm sorry. But i need to vent.* Today is a day that I didn't think would come again - today has been a day where i haven't smiled at all. I'm just starting to loose interest in pretty much everything. I could give a lesser damn about school, house renovations, final exams, my driving test, and even my effort towards my appearances has started to dwindle. I feel like I'm starting to dive into depression again and here's why:
There's this girl that I have the most complicated feelings for - let's call her Zoe. i think she's one of the most beautiful girls at my high school. last year i liked her but i was so nervous about impressing her that i often just ended up avoiding conversation with her. i quickly got over her when my (then) boyfriend entered the picture. now this school year, thanks to my new group of people I hang out with, we've bonded a lot more. i wouldn't say we have the liveliest talks or that we're the best of friends but i think we could definitely have a good time if we hung out together. I'm worried that the crush is starting to come back. i guess it stems from my desperation to want to have something that i can love - i want someone who actually cares for me and doesn't just want me for my dick. my mind is trying to justify that i see it in Zoe when in reality i don't actually know if i even have a chance with her, and, well quite frankly, it's making me depressed.
To me, my mind seems to think that she might be a shield from the bad. And that's the other thing - my life is built on shields from the cruelty of the real world. My parents shielded me from the fact that my mom had cancer for almost 7 years. (They played it off well, too - if they never told me i never would've guessed.) I also shielded myself (via VT) from the pain when they divorced 5 years after. Then it was my dads drinking problems. Followed by the fact that I lied to myself that i was in an abusive relationship. The shields help me think everything's going to be okay. If it wasn't for my shields when my parents were divorcing, I easily could've dove down the path of drugs and self harming.
Maybe it doesn't need to be her, but I need a bigger shield. I'm only starting to realize the impact of not doing my homework. My life isn't that great. I just need that feeling of loving someone, and wanting to be needed by someone else, and it's something i don't know if I can really have.
fuck my psychology. all this is making it hard to find the energy to get up in the morning and muster a genuine smile.
There's this girl that I have the most complicated feelings for - let's call her Zoe. i think she's one of the most beautiful girls at my high school. last year i liked her but i was so nervous about impressing her that i often just ended up avoiding conversation with her. i quickly got over her when my (then) boyfriend entered the picture. now this school year, thanks to my new group of people I hang out with, we've bonded a lot more. i wouldn't say we have the liveliest talks or that we're the best of friends but i think we could definitely have a good time if we hung out together. I'm worried that the crush is starting to come back. i guess it stems from my desperation to want to have something that i can love - i want someone who actually cares for me and doesn't just want me for my dick. my mind is trying to justify that i see it in Zoe when in reality i don't actually know if i even have a chance with her, and, well quite frankly, it's making me depressed.
To me, my mind seems to think that she might be a shield from the bad. And that's the other thing - my life is built on shields from the cruelty of the real world. My parents shielded me from the fact that my mom had cancer for almost 7 years. (They played it off well, too - if they never told me i never would've guessed.) I also shielded myself (via VT) from the pain when they divorced 5 years after. Then it was my dads drinking problems. Followed by the fact that I lied to myself that i was in an abusive relationship. The shields help me think everything's going to be okay. If it wasn't for my shields when my parents were divorcing, I easily could've dove down the path of drugs and self harming.
Maybe it doesn't need to be her, but I need a bigger shield. I'm only starting to realize the impact of not doing my homework. My life isn't that great. I just need that feeling of loving someone, and wanting to be needed by someone else, and it's something i don't know if I can really have.
fuck my psychology. all this is making it hard to find the energy to get up in the morning and muster a genuine smile.