Over thinker

[BallisLife24]

Hey guys so this is my first post and I'm doing this because I need help on a situation. So I have a girlfriend and we've been together for 3 months now, and she's great. She makes me the happiest I've been. But lately I've been extremely insecure. I can't take jokes like I used to, I get paranoid when she doesn't text me with smiley faces and hearts, and I get very emotional when she makes fun of me. This didn't use to happen to me but it hit me out if nowhere recently. It's hard for me to trust. I feel like I'm being played. But she has done nothing to lose my trust. If anything she deserves it more than anyone else. But I know I feel like this because of an ex girlfriend who DID play me. When she insulted me, they were real insults. When she didn't text with smiley faces, it's cause she was tired of me. Her and I were on and off for about 4 years and I only knew how to be a boyfriend to her wven though she treated me poorly. My situation here is that I've found a girl who cares about me and loves me, but isn't the very affectionate or clingy type. This gets to me because I am. And when she's just not really in the mood to be caressed and hugged and kissed, inside I know that's just the way she is, but i tend to overthink and assume it's because she's losing interest. And I'm afraid to tell her this because of my insecurity. I feel if I tell her I don't like when she jokingly insults me or texts me without smiley faces, she'll just say "well if you don't trust me, then were done". My insecurity is at an all time high, and it's over someone who has done nothing to break my trust. Any advice would help please?!

[Living For Love]

I understand the point you're trying to make. However, the fact that she's not very affectionate or clingy type doesn't mean she doesn't love you. It's just her way of being. Plus, you've only been together for 3 months, you need to let your relationship evolve and take its natural path. You know, it's not the fact that if she started texting you with kisses or smiles that would make you think she likes you, it's when you two are together, physically, and talk to each other, and connect with each other, and realise when you two are together you feel happy and comfortable. Wait some time, perhaps some weeks, and see if her behaviour changes or not, and in the meanwhile, text her with smiles and hearts and try to get a bit close to her so that she can see that's the way you'd like to be treated as well (but don't exaggerate, just small subtle hints). If she doesn't change, not being more affectionate nor being more distant, then I would start not to think about it anymore because, if she had lost interest in you, she wouldn't be with you all that time you've given her, she would start to back off a bit.

I don't know if this might help, but does she know you've been played before? Perhaps you should consider telling her, because it would be sensible of her not to commit the same mistakes.

[BallisLife24]

I understand what you're saying. It's more important how we connect with eachother when were physically together? Cause when we are, it's great. Better than great.
She knows I've been hurt before, but I havent gotten into detail because I've heard girls don't really like to hear about what other girls have done? I've heard they see it as a comparison, and therefore a competition? But perhaps I should tell her. Not just in general that I've been hurt, but tell her how, and explain how sometimes her actions make me feel insecure?

[Living For Love]

I understand what you're saying. It's more important how we connect with eachother when were physically together? Cause when we are, it's great. Better than great.
Then that's awesome, really. That's what really matters in a relationship.

She knows I've been hurt before, but I havent gotten into detail because I've heard girls don't really like to hear about what other girls have done? I've heard they see it as a comparison, and therefore a competition? But perhaps I should tell her. Not just in general that I've been hurt, but tell her how, and explain how sometimes her actions make me feel insecure?
I guess when you say girls see it as a comparison, and therefore a competition, only applies the way other girls treated you nicely, and what they did to seduce you or make you feel happy. In this case, it's pretty much the opposite because that previous girl hurt your feeling. I wouldn't tell her how her actions make you feel insecure, she might be a bit offended. Tell her only how that girl hurt you so much, playing with you, telling jokes with the intention to offend and not sending you cute stuff through messages because she was tired of you. Just don't associate that with your current girlfriend. Tell her this when you two are together, in the middle of a conversation. Hopefully, she will get the message. But again, if she doesn't change her behaviour, you have nothing to worry about, because it doesn't mean she doesn't love you, it's just the way she is.

[Body odah Man]

Hey guys so this is my first post and I'm doing this because I need help on a situation. So I have a girlfriend and we've been together for 3 months now, and she's great. She makes me the happiest I've been. But lately I've been extremely insecure. I can't take jokes like I used to, I get paranoid when she doesn't text me with smiley faces and hearts, and I get very emotional when she makes fun of me. This didn't use to happen to me but it hit me out if nowhere recently. It's hard for me to trust. I feel like I'm being played. But she has done nothing to lose my trust. If anything she deserves it more than anyone else. But I know I feel like this because of an ex girlfriend who DID play me. When she insulted me, they were real insults. When she didn't text with smiley faces, it's cause she was tired of me. Her and I were on and off for about 4 years and I only knew how to be a boyfriend to her wven though she treated me poorly. My situation here is that I've found a girl who cares about me and loves me, but isn't the very affectionate or clingy type. This gets to me because I am. And when she's just not really in the mood to be caressed and hugged and kissed, inside I know that's just the way she is, but i tend to overthink and assume it's because she's losing interest. And I'm afraid to tell her this because of my insecurity. I feel if I tell her I don't like when she jokingly insults me or texts me without smiley faces, she'll just say "well if you don't trust me, then were done". My insecurity is at an all time high, and it's over someone who has done nothing to break my trust. Any advice would help please?!

Wow, I'm sorry :(
I'm no psychologist but I THINK what's happening is ur just now suddenly being affected by the old memories of how ur old girlfriend played ur ass and that is what is now suddenly making u paranoid and insecure. I think these feelings might go away if you talk to her about it or if you go to therapy maybe? I ahve no clue sadly as I've never majored, or studied, psychology but I wish you luck man.

[BallisLife24]

Then that's awesome, really. That's what really matters in a relationship.


I guess when you say girls see it as a comparison, and therefore a competition, only applies the way other girls treated you nicely, and what they did to seduce you or make you feel happy. In this case, it's pretty much the opposite because that previous girl hurt your feeling. I wouldn't tell her how her actions make you feel insecure, she might be a bit offended. Tell her only how that girl hurt you so much, playing with you, telling jokes with the intention to offend and not sending you cute stuff through messages because she was tired of you. Just don't associate that with your current girlfriend. Tell her this when you two are together, in the middle of a conversation. Hopefully, she will get the message. But again, if she doesn't change her behaviour, you have nothing to worry about, because it doesn't mean she doesn't love you, it's just the way she is.

Maybe not as a competition, but I wouldn't want her to take offense, you know? I wouldn't want her to think that I'm comparing her to another person with bad intentions? Like if she'll get mad for me thinking that she would do that to me too. I really do know that she would never do things with the intention to hurt me, but I guess repressed memories of the way my ex treated me have messed with my head that bad?

Wow, I'm sorry :(
I'm no psychologist but I THINK what's happening is ur just now suddenly being affected by the old memories of how ur old girlfriend played ur ass and that is what is now suddenly making u paranoid and insecure. I think these feelings might go away if you talk to her about it or if you go to therapy maybe? I ahve no clue sadly as I've never majored, or studied, psychology but I wish you luck man.

I think that's what's happening too. Since our relationship is just starting, and I was in my previous relationship for almost 4 years, I found that as the typical way a relationship took it's course and mentally feel like if it's supposed to happen again?

[Living For Love]

Maybe not as a competition, but I wouldn't want her to take offense, you know? I wouldn't want her to think that I'm comparing her to another person with bad intentions? Like if she'll get mad for me thinking that she would do that to me too. I really do know that she would never do things with the intention to hurt me, but I guess repressed memories of the way my ex treated me have messed with my head that bad?

It's not that the fact you're telling her what your ex did to you means you think your current girlfriend would do that to you as well. If you just tell her what happened, without any comparisons, she has no motive to get mad. Besides, it's normal to be that afraid, because your relationship is still in the beginning, and yes, the memories of the previous relationship you still hold might be messing up with your head. But hey, past is past, it happened and hopefully it won't happen again, so try to move on from that and don't let those thoughts haunt you anymore.

[yeahsure]

It's not that the fact you're telling her what your ex did to you means you think your current girlfriend would do that to you as well. If you just tell her what happened, without any comparisons, she has no motive to get mad. Besides, it's normal to be that afraid, because your relationship is still in the beginning, and yes, the memories of the previous relationship you still hold might be messing up with your head. But hey, past is past, it happened and hopefully it won't happen again, so try to move on from that and don't let those thoughts haunt you anymore.

i agree with what has been said above, but i want to add something.

Please though, don't think i'm disregarding how you feel, this is just 'food for thought'...

but, you have identified the issue is how YOU feel.

Yes, your girlfriend could wrap you in cotton wool, and pretend to be over-sesative to you being insecure, but honestly, this is a problem that you need to fix, and time will do that.

You run the risk of overwhelming her with all your emotions, and possibly making it all about what you need, and that isn't healthy.

Personally, i think you should try to appreciate, that not all people are assholes, like your ex.

By all mean talk about your past with your current girlfriend, but don't make it a big deal. Let go of it, it's in the Past!

Some people have nobody, no girlfriend, no friends, no family. You have something special, maybe not perfect, but appreciate that.

Lift your chin, enjoy life.. Good luck!

[BallisLife24]

It's not that the fact you're telling her what your ex did to you means you think your current girlfriend would do that to you as well. If you just tell her what happened, without any comparisons, she has no motive to get mad. Besides, it's normal to be that afraid, because your relationship is still in the beginning, and yes, the memories of the previous relationship you still hold might be messing up with your head. But hey, past is past, it happened and hopefully it won't happen again, so try to move on from that and don't let those thoughts haunt you anymore.

I see what you mean. I think I will do that. Not as a way of asking her to be kinder, but just as information? And hope that she realizes my sensitivity?

i agree with what has been said above, but i want to add something.

Please though, don't think i'm disregarding how you feel, this is just 'food for thought'...

but, you have identified the issue is how YOU feel.

Yes, your girlfriend could wrap you in cotton wool, and pretend to be over-sesative to you being insecure, but honestly, this is a problem that you need to fix, and time will do that.

You run the risk of overwhelming her with all your emotions, and possibly making it all about what you need, and that isn't healthy.

Personally, i think you should try to appreciate, that not all people are assholes, like your ex.

By all mean talk about your past with your current girlfriend, but don't make it a big deal. Let go of it, it's in the Past!

Some people have nobody, no girlfriend, no friends, no family. You have something special, maybe not perfect, but appreciate that.

Lift your chin, enjoy life.. Good luck!

I've found that to be more likely than the thought of my girlfriend being insensitive. I've realized that it is in my own mind that I feel this way, because I know that I have no reason to feel this way. It's not that she's lost my trust, its that I didn't necessarily have it in first place from my past relationship?

[yeahsure]

I've found that to be more likely than the thought of my girlfriend being insensitive. I've realized that it is in my own mind that I feel this way, because I know that I have no reason to feel this way. It's not that she's lost my trust, its that I didn't necessarily have it in first place from my past relationship?

Yes, that is it.

And it is great that you recognise this. Because a problem cannot be fixed, until it is recognised.

And it's you that Can fix it, even if that means it takes a little time.

So when you feel this way, you need to Bigger and Stronger than it, and tell yourself "No!.. this is in my head.. I can be Stronger than this!".

It's about recognising it happen, and being the bigger Better person!

Insecurity makes you weak, but learning from it and becoming that bigger person makes you Stronger!

It's not about your past, or your feelings beeing hurt. It's about taking it, and using it to your advantage, and looking to your future knowing you used that experience to become a wiser person.

[BallisLife24]

Yes, that is it.

And it is great that you recognise this. Because a problem cannot be fixed, until it is recognised.

And it's you that Can fix it, even if that means it takes a little time.

So when you feel this way, you need to Bigger and Stronger than it, and tell yourself "No!.. this is in my head.. I can be Stronger than this!".

It's about recognising it happen, and being the bigger Better person!

Insecurity makes you weak, but learning from it and becoming that bigger person makes you Stronger!

It's not about your past, or your feelings beeing hurt. It's about taking it, and using it to your advantage, and looking to your future knowing you used that experience to become a wiser person.

This helps a lot. Thanks for the advice!

[Rallo]

Best advise I can give is to simply talk to her, though be careful how you do it.
DO NOT ask her to completely avoid joking about things with you as this usually results in one becoming scared to say certain things due to a fear of hurting the other which is VERY unhealthy. For that side of things (the jokes), simply ask if she could possibly tell you when she's joking like that to ensure you don't take things the wrong way. Make sure to state you don't mind the jokes themselves, rather you're some what insecure due to your past.

For the other side of things, physical clingyness (ie constantly cuddling/kissing/etc) many people don't like in this day and age. There's a fair few people who would rather just sit next to the one they love and feel that they're in their presence, rather than cuddle. This may be the case for her? The way you state she has to be in the mood for it, this will most likely be the case. She may just be in a mood where she really wants you feel as if you're still there, though is a bit too anxious to be touched or cuddled. I can completely understand this.

Now for the possible solution...
You can't confront her and say anything like "BE MORE CLINGY!" as that would result in one of two things. A, she will be some what weirded out by it and it will cause problems, or B. she will force herself to be more clingy for your sake, which is quite unhealthy for a relationship when one is changing there self for the other.
The best I could suggest it try new things to feel close to each other. Rather than cuddling/kissing/etc, try just laying together somewhere, maybe on the grass or the beach just looking up at the sky together? This is just a suggestion, you could do almost anything, though the meaning behind it still has to be the same; a new method of feeling really close and loved without pressuring anything (ie cuddles/kisses).