TheRedViper
May 18th, 2014, 03:27 AM
We've been best friends for two years. She trusts me more than anyone, and knows she can talk to me about her problems. Even though she left my school at the end of last year, we've still kept in contact. We sometimes text, and yesterday morning she randomly called me up at 7am and we talked for about two hours. She had just done a bit of meth, so she was off her head, talking really fast and erratically, so I could barely get a word in, but still, it was good to hear her voice again, since I hadn't seen her in five months.
She told me about all the stuff that had happened to her since, including getting pregnant and having a miscarriage, leaving home and becoming an escort-girlfriend type thing. Safe to say her life isn't exactly ideal, and she is constantly having problems. She said that she was assaulted and bashed by several guys at a train station, which made me so angry and depressed. When she left home (because her stepfather was very abusing towards her and her mum didn't care) she pretty much had to sell drugs to make money, and she went on a huge three-day binge of meth and coke.
She then said she ended up working at a karaoke bar in the city (Melbourne) before quitting and getting a job as an escort-girlfriend (even though she's only 16). She assures me that she doesn't have sex with anyone for the job, but she still makes a huge amount of money, and now lives in an apartment thanks to her 'pimp,' as she calls him. She admitted that she didn't really want to do the job, and I said she should stop then, if it's making her uncomfortable, but she said she just kept doing it for the money.
She used to have a boyfriend, and he lasted about a year, which is very long for our age, obviously. They are still friends, apparently, even though they aren't going out. She had another boyfriend, but that didn't last long. Now she tells me that she isn't ready for another relationship. There's pretty much nothing she doesn't tell me. Even her sex life is described in massive detail. She knows that she can trust me though, since when she tried almost successfully to kill herself last year, I was the only one that cared about her and visited her (even her boyfriend didn't really care).
The problem I've got is that I don't know exactly how I feel about her. I had a massive crush on her last year, and I asked her out at one point, when she said she broke up with her boyfriend, but it turned out she didn't really, and she later apologized and said she still wants to be friends. She texted me later that week (while at a party and very high and drunk) that she wanted to go out with me, but she thought she was too damaged and I was too good for her.
It wasn't until she left my school and I didn't see her for a very long time that I realized how much I really loved her. I know it's dumb and cliche to say that, and most times with teens it's passed off as not really love, but I think my feelings towards her really are. I've never been as close to someone as I have been with her, and she has said several times that she loves me, but I'm not sure in what way. She sometimes makes flirtatious remarks towards me, but I don't know how she intends it, like when on the phone with her, I told her I was jealous she lived in the city, and she said something like "you should come to my apartment and stay the night." She has somewhat of a... reputation... for being very "generous" towards her male friends, but they are very different people than me, and she knows that. I'm not gonna lie. I really do love the idea of having sex with her, since she is incredibly attractive and she's just a really cool person in general.
She also said on the phone that "now you can be my boyfriend," when she said she isn't going out with anyone. I replied somewhat jokingly, "I gladly accept that offer," and she said, "yeah, because now I have heaps of money." I didn't tell her that I meant I would gladly be her boyfriend because I love her . Even though we don't talk very often, we seem to now, and even though we haven't seen each other in a long time, she still seems like she wants to see me and do stuff, like she mentioned on the phone that she wants to take me to a party so I can try some drugs and get drunk (things that she does very often). I said I'd go, and she seemed happy. She started reminiscing on stuff we did last year, like when I went over to her house when it was cold and raining and skipped school to see her, and we watched movies all day. She said she really liked that. For a long time I thought I was the only one that remembered that.
Sorry I've rambled for so long. It just took a while to get all my thoughts down. I really don't know how to feel about her. I think I truly do love her, however cheesy and dumb that sounds (and I'm not the sentimental type, trust me. I've never felt this way with a girl before. She is really special). My other friends don't like her, and call her a druggie slut, and my mum thinks she is the same, and kind of disproves of me seeing her. I don't care though. They don't understand how close we are. I'm passed the point of judging people. If they are truly my friend, I can look past it all.
I don't know what to do though. She is a very damaged person, and her life is almost always in a difficult place, but she has always confided in me, and trusted me. I feel glad to know that someone in the world actually seems to be glad of my presence. No one else really cares about me that much. I'm nothing special, no one gives extra care or attention my way. With her it's different. Talking to her is the highlight of my day. I just really don't know what to do. I'm very hesitant on asking her out, because even though I know she is single now, I don't want to risk potentially ruining our close friendship. She might think that I just want to be her boyfriend to have sex with her, which isn't true at all. If she told me she'd go out with me but wouldn't have sex with me for a while, I wouldn't care. I actually love her as a person. I also don't want her to feel pressured or uncomfortable by me asking her out.
Damn it, I just don't know what to do or how to feel. Whenever I think about asking her out, I just get this overwhelming sense of insecurity and I feel like I'm nowhere near good enough for her, since - while I'm not ugly or anything - I'm not some model or a typically hot guy, and since she is very hot - she could even be a model - I just think she's so out of my league, and so I give up any thoughts of asking her out.
She told me about all the stuff that had happened to her since, including getting pregnant and having a miscarriage, leaving home and becoming an escort-girlfriend type thing. Safe to say her life isn't exactly ideal, and she is constantly having problems. She said that she was assaulted and bashed by several guys at a train station, which made me so angry and depressed. When she left home (because her stepfather was very abusing towards her and her mum didn't care) she pretty much had to sell drugs to make money, and she went on a huge three-day binge of meth and coke.
She then said she ended up working at a karaoke bar in the city (Melbourne) before quitting and getting a job as an escort-girlfriend (even though she's only 16). She assures me that she doesn't have sex with anyone for the job, but she still makes a huge amount of money, and now lives in an apartment thanks to her 'pimp,' as she calls him. She admitted that she didn't really want to do the job, and I said she should stop then, if it's making her uncomfortable, but she said she just kept doing it for the money.
She used to have a boyfriend, and he lasted about a year, which is very long for our age, obviously. They are still friends, apparently, even though they aren't going out. She had another boyfriend, but that didn't last long. Now she tells me that she isn't ready for another relationship. There's pretty much nothing she doesn't tell me. Even her sex life is described in massive detail. She knows that she can trust me though, since when she tried almost successfully to kill herself last year, I was the only one that cared about her and visited her (even her boyfriend didn't really care).
The problem I've got is that I don't know exactly how I feel about her. I had a massive crush on her last year, and I asked her out at one point, when she said she broke up with her boyfriend, but it turned out she didn't really, and she later apologized and said she still wants to be friends. She texted me later that week (while at a party and very high and drunk) that she wanted to go out with me, but she thought she was too damaged and I was too good for her.
It wasn't until she left my school and I didn't see her for a very long time that I realized how much I really loved her. I know it's dumb and cliche to say that, and most times with teens it's passed off as not really love, but I think my feelings towards her really are. I've never been as close to someone as I have been with her, and she has said several times that she loves me, but I'm not sure in what way. She sometimes makes flirtatious remarks towards me, but I don't know how she intends it, like when on the phone with her, I told her I was jealous she lived in the city, and she said something like "you should come to my apartment and stay the night." She has somewhat of a... reputation... for being very "generous" towards her male friends, but they are very different people than me, and she knows that. I'm not gonna lie. I really do love the idea of having sex with her, since she is incredibly attractive and she's just a really cool person in general.
She also said on the phone that "now you can be my boyfriend," when she said she isn't going out with anyone. I replied somewhat jokingly, "I gladly accept that offer," and she said, "yeah, because now I have heaps of money." I didn't tell her that I meant I would gladly be her boyfriend because I love her . Even though we don't talk very often, we seem to now, and even though we haven't seen each other in a long time, she still seems like she wants to see me and do stuff, like she mentioned on the phone that she wants to take me to a party so I can try some drugs and get drunk (things that she does very often). I said I'd go, and she seemed happy. She started reminiscing on stuff we did last year, like when I went over to her house when it was cold and raining and skipped school to see her, and we watched movies all day. She said she really liked that. For a long time I thought I was the only one that remembered that.
Sorry I've rambled for so long. It just took a while to get all my thoughts down. I really don't know how to feel about her. I think I truly do love her, however cheesy and dumb that sounds (and I'm not the sentimental type, trust me. I've never felt this way with a girl before. She is really special). My other friends don't like her, and call her a druggie slut, and my mum thinks she is the same, and kind of disproves of me seeing her. I don't care though. They don't understand how close we are. I'm passed the point of judging people. If they are truly my friend, I can look past it all.
I don't know what to do though. She is a very damaged person, and her life is almost always in a difficult place, but she has always confided in me, and trusted me. I feel glad to know that someone in the world actually seems to be glad of my presence. No one else really cares about me that much. I'm nothing special, no one gives extra care or attention my way. With her it's different. Talking to her is the highlight of my day. I just really don't know what to do. I'm very hesitant on asking her out, because even though I know she is single now, I don't want to risk potentially ruining our close friendship. She might think that I just want to be her boyfriend to have sex with her, which isn't true at all. If she told me she'd go out with me but wouldn't have sex with me for a while, I wouldn't care. I actually love her as a person. I also don't want her to feel pressured or uncomfortable by me asking her out.
Damn it, I just don't know what to do or how to feel. Whenever I think about asking her out, I just get this overwhelming sense of insecurity and I feel like I'm nowhere near good enough for her, since - while I'm not ugly or anything - I'm not some model or a typically hot guy, and since she is very hot - she could even be a model - I just think she's so out of my league, and so I give up any thoughts of asking her out.