Heh

[Karkat]

Not sure why I feel I owe an explanation as to why I was gone- it was a week, MAYBE, and I doubt anyone cared all that much or even noticed to begin with.

But anyways.

(I've been posting a lot of threads here lately, haven't I? Hmm)

I've slid back into depression for the first time in a couple months over the past few weeks. First I was just a little low, my meds seemed to be doing less for me (as they treat manic episodes, not depression per se). Then, it was negative thoughts about myself. I fought them as much as I could at first. Then came me finding irritation and dissatisfaction with everything that wasn't my current thoughts. If someone posted a cheery status on Facebook while I was upset, I'd be personally offended- even if it wasn't their fault at all. Getting on my computer gave me anxiety so I just...Stopped. I used Facebook on my phone. If I had to look something up, I used my phone. It was too much effort to get on my computer, and it always just made me upset.

Then, at one point, I snapped. I was doing perfectly fine one day- in fact, I thought I was doing a lot better. But I had a seizure, and it kind of wore me out for the evening. I ended up playing The Sims, and I was doing a little better again, but carrying out all the actions made me so tired, when my sim's baby cried, I just wanted to toss the controller to the side, and give up. Eventually, I decided it was time for a break. It just kind of hit me like a rock (like it always does when I'm playing The Sims, for some reason) I'm a dud. I'm doing nothing with my life. Here I am, controlling virtual people, who are making money, leading lives, and I'm here, doing nothing. And the gravity of the fact that I am literally doing NOTHING with my life just broke me. I'm not really working right now, I'm going to go broke fairly soon I'm sure, I have no incentive or way to get out of the house, I'm sedentary, my room is a mess once more (I had it cleaned perfectly, then I got a new bed and came home from a vacation. Ha.), I have no idea if I'll graduate in time, yadda yadda.

I got so bent out of shape over it, and so overwhelmed that I told my best friend and my boyfriend that I couldn't take it anymore. My boyfriend came online first, and tried to talk me out of it, but I just wouldn't listen. I'm going to leave out the gory details as they are generally irrelevant to the story as well as fairly graphic, but my 'survival mode' kicked in, and I failed. My boyfriend tried to call me, but I blocked the call. He messaged me, saying he had an important question that he wanted to ask me over the phone, but I said "No phone calls".

He proposed to me. Over Facebook chat. And I was so messed up over it all that I rejected him, and tried to kill myself again. (That was actually the reason I rejected him- being an addict, bipolar, etc. I'm fairly unstable. No one deserves to be married to someone like that. My family issues mostly consist of general communication issues that cause mega strain as well as a passive-aggressive tyrant aka my father [though this is mostly between him and my mom and I. My mom and dad divorced when I was 4, and that may or may not be a good thing.] and I still wouldn't wish that on anyone. Here is the man that I am hopelessly in love with- I'm selfish enough just by staying with him, you honestly think I'm going to let him marry me? When I'm like this? However, he's also one of the last threads that's keeping me alive, so after rejecting him I wanted to die a lot more than I previously had.)

And again. And again. Finally, I just gave up. I messaged my boyfriend, and was starting to do a little better. My best friend came on, and I talked to him until I went to sleep. So all was good then, and the day after.

The day after that, I threatened to kill myself again. This time wasn't so...Incentive-based, it was just a hell of a day. I was so tired, everything made me irritated, and impatient, and I just wanted to go back to bed and never wake up. I googled why I shouldn't commit suicide. I googled why I should. At one point, my mom basically told me that my depression was a really huge pain in her ass because it meant I couldn't do the things she wanted me to do. My stepdad barked about how I didn't clean the animal's cages fast enough, so mom's food got cold. (Which was kind of HIS fault, for cooking when he knew I was cleaning. My mom had to hold guinea pigs, so she couldn't eat.) I just thought calmly about how I would go about killing myself so I couldn't escape like last time. For about 3/4 of the day, actively.

I warned my best friend and boyfriend again. My best friend tried to talk me off the ledge again, and he almost did. Until my phone died. I was upset over that, which sent me back to thoughts of killing myself, so I drugged myself, so I wouldn't escape when I set my plan to action.

I ended up passing out from the medication while waiting for my parents to fall asleep. However, I was out for quite a while, which worried my best friend so much that he actually messaged my boyfriend. I woke up to messages about how I scared them to death.

I've felt better the past few days, but I've been up all night struggling with depression and anxiety, insomnia, the works. Not to mention that I feel that my relationship with both my best friend and my boyfriend is seriously strained now. I've got some neck damage from the attempts, though I don't know how severe. I fucked myself up pretty badly, the worst since I gave myself alcohol poisoning trying to 'drink myself to death' over a year and a half ago.

I will probably be on here on and off, but I doubt that it'll be anything close to how frequent I was for a while.

As far as 'worrying about me', while my life is total shit right now, but I don't feel like dying as of this post, so go with that.

[Hollywood]

Damn Ren, I'm really sorry to hear that all of this has happened to you. I know a lot of people here were wondering where you were, you were definitely missed!

I doubt there's anything I can tell you that will make you feel better, I know what it's like to feel hopelessly depressed and always on the brink, and I know how hard it is to get out of that. It sounds like you've got a great boyfriend and a great friend who really care about you, and that's a wonderful thing. A lot of people wouldn't have bothered to try to talk to you while you were having such a difficult time, but they did. That's one thing to be thankful for, if nothing else.

Anyways, I really hope you begin to feel better soon. I think you're a really great person and I would hate so much for you to disappear, just as your friend and boyfriend would. Get better soon Ren, and know that, as always, VT's here and we have your back.

[Karkat]

Damn Ren, I'm really sorry to hear that all of this has happened to you. I know a lot of people here were wondering where you were, you were definitely missed!

I doubt there's anything I can tell you that will make you feel better, I know what it's like to feel hopelessly depressed and always on the brink, and I know how hard it is to get out of that. It sounds like you've got a great boyfriend and a great friend who really care about you, and that's a wonderful thing. A lot of people wouldn't have bothered to try to talk to you while you were having such a difficult time, but they did. That's one thing to be thankful for, if nothing else.

Anyways, I really hope you begin to feel better soon. I think you're a really great person and I would hate so much for you to disappear, just as your friend and boyfriend would. Get better soon Ren, and know that, as always, VT's here and we have your back.

Thank you so much. Honestly, this brightened my day up quite a bit. Like I said, I've been doing a bit better these past few days, and last night was probably a fluke considering that I stayed up later. (Because I was doing ok until 2-ish. I should've gone to bed. :P Nights are usually bad for me.) I'm also going to the doctor today, so hopefully things will look up a bit there. The only thing is that I can't tell her about the attempts, I mean, I could, but it just freaks my family out, and I'd rather not deal with them. We'll see. I'd kind of like to have my neck x-rayed, but it's not my money, and it's probably not a big deal to begin with, so I doubt I will.

Anyways, once again, thank you for taking the time to respond. I've missed you, as well as everyone else, I just mostly avoided coming back so I wouldn't provoke someone else or something. Because I seem to be good at that right now.

[Horatio Nelson]

(I was wondering what happened, you were missed.) Tyler really took the words out of my mouth. Except for the "I know what it's like" bit. I couldn't imagine having to deal with all of that shit. I'm really glad you are still here though. Feel better soon. :)

[Dalcourt]

I wondered why you disappeared, too. I'm glad to hear that you are doing better again.
I understand what these episodes can do to you, to be honest...I'm really scared that I get one of them myself. I've been fairly stable for quite a long time for me...and I have these bad feelings crawling on me now more and more.

It is really good to have you back and no matter what we will be always here and listen. :)

[Blood]

I was wondering where you were, Ren. I'm sorry to hear you've been going through this. I know it's hard, but life gets better when you just keep your head up. Your boyfriend and best friend seem to really care about you. You're lucky to have them in your life.

Remember, life is made up of different stages and phases. You may be going through a difficult one right now but there's always the next one, and it can be better. I truly hope things get better for you. I'm always here if you want to talk.

[Luminous]

I just wrote out this whole long post to you when I accidentally deleted it. Go figure.

Ren, you were absolutely missed here, I was wondering where you were and was hoping you were okay.

I've never been in a situation like yours but I can do my best to try and understand and help. You ARE loved, by your bestfriend, boyfriend, parents, friends and family, and by all of us here at VT. I know it doesn't feel like it, it never does to anyone, but you really are.

I think what Jess said is so true, that life is made up of different stages. Think back to times when you were happy, and work towards getting back to that point, instead of being miserable because it's over. Something about your life changed which made you able to get to that happiness, figure out what that is and how you can do it again. You have power over your own life, so take action.

I'm sorry that I don't have a lot to say here. I wish I could give you more but I've never really been in your situation. I wish you the very best, and of course I'm always willing to talk if you need someone.

[Karkat]

(I was wondering what happened, you were missed.) Tyler really took the words out of my mouth. Except for the "I know what it's like" bit. I couldn't imagine having to deal with all of that shit. I'm really glad you are still here though. Feel better soon. :)

Thank you : )

I wondered why you disappeared, too. I'm glad to hear that you are doing better again.
I understand what these episodes can do to you, to be honest...I'm really scared that I get one of them myself. I've been fairly stable for quite a long time for me...and I have these bad feelings crawling on me now more and more.

It is really good to have you back and no matter what we will be always here and listen. :)

Best of luck then. It's really hard to stay strong when that starts happening. I'm here if you need to talk : )

I was wondering where you were, Ren. I'm sorry to hear you've been going through this. I know it's hard, but life gets better when you just keep your head up. Your boyfriend and best friend seem to really care about you. You're lucky to have them in your life.

Remember, life is made up of different stages and phases. You may be going through a difficult one right now but there's always the next one, and it can be better. I truly hope things get better for you. I'm always here if you want to talk.

It has been getting a little better, actually. I've been avoiding social media and forums a little bit, trying to focus more on my life, and so on. I think it's helped.

Thank you : )

I just wrote out this whole long post to you when I accidentally deleted it. Go figure.

Ren, you were absolutely missed here, I was wondering where you were and was hoping you were okay.

I've never been in a situation like yours but I can do my best to try and understand and help. You ARE loved, by your bestfriend, boyfriend, parents, friends and family, and by all of us here at VT. I know it doesn't feel like it, it never does to anyone, but you really are.

I think what Jess said is so true, that life is made up of different stages. Think back to times when you were happy, and work towards getting back to that point, instead of being miserable because it's over. Something about your life changed which made you able to get to that happiness, figure out what that is and how you can do it again. You have power over your own life, so take action.

I'm sorry that I don't have a lot to say here. I wish I could give you more but I've never really been in your situation. I wish you the very best, and of course I'm always willing to talk if you need someone.

Aww, thank you so much :hug:

Honestly, it's more than ok. What you did say cheered me up a lot. : )

---

(And to you all)

:hug: :hug: :hug:

Thank you guys so much. I just want to say that I'm doing quite a bit better right now, so don't worry about me too much. I don't think I'll be as active on here for a while, but it's mostly because I'm trying to sort things out with my life, hah.

I've missed you guys so much, and I can't wait until I can come back in full-fledged posting mode once more :metal: Though hopefully a little less angry and cynical than in recent times.

(Also, if you're wondering, my smilies are spaced because of the image limit. Go figure, haha)

[backjruton]

(And to you all)

:hug: :hug: :hug:

Thank you guys so much. I just want to say that I'm doing quite a bit better right now, so don't worry about me too much. I don't think I'll be as active on here for a while, but it's mostly because I'm trying to sort things out with my life, hah.

I've missed you guys so much, and I can't wait until I can come back in full-fledged posting mode once more :metal: Though hopefully a little less angry and cynical than in recent times.

(Also, if you're wondering, my smilies are spaced because of the image limit. Go figure, haha)

:metal: I can't really think of what to say but I too am glad to see you back :rolleyes: my emotions are pretty fucked up too sometimes but I calm down too easily for any of us at home to take much notice of it. Being less angry and more cynical is the better way to act :lol: (I'm really tired right now so I can't make much sense of myself either :rolleyes:)

[Horatio Nelson]

Thank you : )



Best of luck then. It's really hard to stay strong when that starts happening. I'm here if you need to talk : )



It has been getting a little better, actually. I've been avoiding social media and forums a little bit, trying to focus more on my life, and so on. I think it's helped.

Thank you : )



Aww, thank you so much :hug:

Honestly, it's more than ok. What you did say cheered me up a lot. : )

---

(And to you all)

:hug: :hug: :hug:

Thank you guys so much. I just want to say that I'm doing quite a bit better right now, so don't worry about me too much. I don't think I'll be as active on here for a while, but it's mostly because I'm trying to sort things out with my life, hah.

I've missed you guys so much, and I can't wait until I can come back in full-fledged posting mode once more :metal: Though hopefully a little less angry and cynical than in recent times.

(Also, if you're wondering, my smilies are spaced because of the image limit. Go figure, haha)



Okay, awesome. :D Glad to hear you are doing better.

[Karkat]

:metal: I can't really think of what to say but I too am glad to see you back :rolleyes: my emotions are pretty fucked up too sometimes but I calm down too easily for any of us at home to take much notice of it. Being less angry and more cynical is the better way to act :lol: (I'm really tired right now so I can't make much sense of myself either :rolleyes:)

XD

Nah, when I get cynical it's so much worse, because I'm a jackass, basically

My emotions get me into trouble all. The. Time. :rolleyes: People tell me I'm "inappropriate"

Yes, I know, what do you want ME to do about it? It's not like there's an off switch. :P Just as inconvenient for me as it is for them.

Okay, awesome. :D Glad to hear you are doing better.

Thanks :)