My life

[maddogmj77]

This is a combined thread of http://virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?t=203153 & http://virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?t=207369, because they seem to have gotten really hard to follow.

SCHOOL:
So, in 1st grade there was a day where I fell asleep in class. When I woke up lunch was already over. So, I started crying and kicking the walls, just a basic fit. Then, I think at P.E. instead of going back to class with everybody I decided to walk off to the very furthest wall and just walk along it. Now, I have absolutely no idea what happened after that. But, somehow I ended up getting kicked out of the school. By this time i was halfway through 2nd grade. So, I got moved to a different school. I don't remember anything about the school, but I got moved again. But, at the next school I was in class one day and I just started crying for no reason and I went under a desk somehow. The teacher decided it was a good idea to take pictures and show them to everybody in the class. I wanted to just fucking punch her in the face, but I couldn't stop crying and hiding. So, I got kicked out of that school too. Then the next school had this classroom for the E.D. kids (emotionally disturbed)........ I got placed there. It was absolutely horrible. People would have random outbreaks of madness and sadness. With all that going on, I got MUCH worse. I just had really bad anxiety and I needed to just go somewhere. But, they keep you in this smaller than average classroom with about 15 other ED kids. So, whenever someone has one of their outbreaks they have an "instructional aid" (Basically a bodyguard for the teacher) take you outside and just hold you. Like, one time, he tied my sweater arms together and held them in a way that I couldn't escape. So, one day in class I decided to run outside, get a brick, and throw it through the window. Not sure exactly what happened, but I got kicked out of there too. Apparently I'm TOO E.D. for them. I then got moved to a full on ED school. By this time I was in about 3rd grade I think. For the first couple of months I did fine. There were definitely more "outbreaks" in this school. Whenever you had one, you would go to a room with NOTHING in it. All there was were small cubicles against the wall. If you moved outside of them, then you were FORCED back into them by a "hall monitor". If you kept on getting out, they would have two people grab you by each arm and put you up against a wall. They would grab each arm and lock your legs. And it FUCKING HURT!!!!! But, I didn't like being touched so whenever they did this, I freaked out really bad. I would try to elbow them in the face just to get them off of me. At this point, all I wanted was for them to let go. I didn't care what the fuck they did, as long as they just stopped touching me. But, you have to just stop resisting in order for them to let go. But, whenever they completely restrained me, I couldn't help but just want to get away. Especially when they're touching me, and I can't move at all, plus as I have mentioned, IT FUCKING HURTS!!!!! This was not just one occasion, they did that several times to me over the 3 years in there. It's not fair what they do to you in there, I would consider it abuse. I have gotten several marks on my skin from there restraints. I didn't even mention the ground restraint. They have two people, one on each side, grab your arms and lock your feet. Just like the wall restraint, but on the ground. I HATED THEM BOTH!!!!!!! I don't like not being able to move, and I don't like being touched. Anyways, there was this one time where I tried to get out of my cubicle and Mr. Hollis picked me up with both hands, forced me up against a wall, and started yelling at me, and cussing at me. I told this to my dad. The next time he picked me up from school, he asked the principle about this. The principle said something about, "You shouldn't have tried to get out of your cubicle" or something like that. I just left, RIGHT as she said that, and went to the car. My dad stayed, and when he got back he told me that he told the principle never to leave marks on me (I still had the marks a couple days later), or do that to me again. He was PISSED!!!!! After that, they didn't do the restraints to me nearly as bad as they used to. Basically, they abuse the shit out of you until you report it to someone, then they be super nice to you. Mr. Hollis came up to me and apologized to me, I didn't even care what he said. Then, in 6th grade I had this AMAZING Instructional aid named Mr.Nnamdi in my class. We would play Chess together, Wallball, and a whole bunch of other crap. He is the only reason I ever got out of that school. I was able to hold off my urges to randomly cry or hide or just go crazy.

The entire time I went through that school, I also saw a therapist. Everytime I went there, I would just sit silently, and look at the ground. They nearly diagnosed me with Autism because I never made eye contact. They prescribed Abilify which didn't help, and I stopped taking. But not because they said stop, I just didn't wanna take it anymore.

For 7th grade I was able to go a normal Middle school. But, what was weird is that I made so many more friends in the ED school than in the normal school even though the normal school has a lot more people. I was doing great until 8th grade, then everything just lost it's importance. My grades dropped, I'm late every single day, I'm depressed worse than I've ever been, and I HATE school. I keep thinking back to the ED school, and I really do think I belong there, cause I am crazy.

Brother:
I live with my dad & go to my mom's house every Saturday & Sunday. My brother lives with my dad. I also have a half-brother & step-dad at my mom's house. When I was 8-11 I used to annoy my older brother just like any other kid does (but not on purpose). He would always get EXTREMELY mad, and kinda over-reacted. At about the age of 12 1/2 (1 1/2 years ago) or so, I learned that he smoked weed. This didn't affect me much, but I kinda hated him. About half a year after this (when I was 13), we learned that he also used stronger drugs, I'm not sure the exact type. Another half a year after this, him and a couple of his friends go into our house when me & my dad were both gone. He tried to take a huge safe from my dad's room but all he could do is flip it over (what an idiot), & COMPLETELY ransacked his room. The only thing he took was a couple of coin collections. He tried to say he didn't do it & we got robbed but we knew it was him because a real robber would have taken the 40 inch flat screen T.V. in the living room & the Samsung Galaxy S4 sitting right on the desk, in my dad's room. About a month or 2 after that he stole my laptop & I REEEEEALLY hated him then, but there was nothing I could do. After that, he went to rehab, left, went back, got kicked out, went back, & got kicked out again, all in a matter of about 2-3 months. Somewhere in-between there he made a bong out of a soda bottle and tin foil. He tried to get me to try it, but I didn't. About a month after this we discovered that he also does meth. He's always paranoid, says he hears voices, & goes from super happy, to super sad, to super mad in a matter of seconds. [EX 1: He was listening to loud music in my dad's room & singing along, so my dad tells him to turn it around, and he doesn't. So my dad goes into his room and turns it off, & Ryan starts yelling about that, then after about 10 seconds yells about how nobody cares about him, then after another 10 seconds starts crying.] [EX 2: He told my dad that everybody at his NA meeting wanted to kill him (paranoia)] He stole my Xbox 360 about 2 weeks ago, but I have already had the new Xbox 1 for about a month or so. It still sucked though because I had a friend who was going to buy it from me for $100 once he got the money. I always have to put my laptop & Xbox in the safe whenever I go to sleep in fear of him taking it. I never talk to him, unless absolutely necessary. I stay inside my room just because he is in the house & I don't want to even be near him. My dad also hates him, he has made it VERY clear that the second he turns 18, unless he COMPLETELY changes his life around, is getting kicked out of the house.

Important Updates (all from "brother" thread)
---4/17/14
Apparently he just took my Xbox 1. But, I'm in Morgan Hill (2 hours away). I'm not sure on the details. Next time I see him, I am going to bash his head in with a metal pipe. You people didn't hear anything, shhhhhhhh

Seriously though, I CAN'T FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!! I am seriously going to beat the shit out of him if I see him again. Hopefully I'll go to a mental hospital, that'd probably be a lot of fun.

Update:
Ok, apparently Ryan and one of his drug addict friends (Andrew) got into a fight. So Andrew took my Xbox 1. I'm still gonna beat the shit out of Ryan because he let him in the house, and is friends with him, also to make up for all the other things. Maybe I can use the blade I use to cut myself, hmmmmm.

"I just wanted to let you know that the yellow sticky note you found was mine, I am bisexual. I was gonna tell you earlier in a letter like this, but I didn't. Also, all of it was true, I'm still cutting myself, and I need some kind of help. Please write a letter in response, thanks.
-Matthew"

I then have that paper folded in half, and on the front it says

"To dad; please open & read immediately."

---5/11/14 11:09PM
Alright, the letter is wedged in the door of his car that's in the garage. My mom just picked me up, and I'm on my way to her house. No going back now

---5/12/14 8:25AM
I just got home, it's about 8am. My dad has already left for work. The note didn't end up on the garage floor, so I assume it didn't just fall, and that he read it. I'm gonna go back over to my mom's house at about 5:15pm, so I don't even know if I'll see my dad today, I hope I don't, I'm WAAAAY too nervous right now. Anyways, I gotta get to school, I'll update later.

---5/12/14 5:30PM
My dad got home at about 5:00pm. but my friend was over there with me, so I think that stopped him from saying anything. My step dad picked me up about 15 minutes later to go to my mom's house. I'm hoping he leaves a letter for me to receive in the morning. This wait is KILLING ME!!!

---5/13/14 8:34AM
I'm back home, and he DIDN'T LEAVE A NOTE!!!!! This is absolute HELL! I'm more nervous about telling him that I'm still cutting than bisexual. I dont even really care that I told him im bisexual now. I am just nervous, and scared, and anxious, and I all I want is a response. I'm off to school again.

---5/13/14 9:12AM
Maybe he just prefers to talk to you personally about it. Don't worry too much now, he will understand and you will be fine.

Thank, but that is exactly what I don't want to happen. I'm not going to be able to form a single WORD face to face. It just doesn't work for me.
Also, school started at like 8:30, it's 9:10. I don't wanna go, because I was dropped off at my house by my step dad and if I left for school RIGHT then, I would still be late. So, I don't wanna go, because I don't wanna be late. Mainly because we have block schedule (1-3-5 ; 2-4-6) and my 2nd period math teacher is meeeeean. :(

Update: I'm gonna wait until about 10:30, then go to school. It should be 4th period by then. I'l just go into the office, get the late slip, then go to class. But, I've been late so many times like this, that the Vice Principal had to talk to me, and told me if I was late again, I would have an in-house suspension. If that happens, I'm just never going to school ever again. Then I'll have my phone and laptop taken away for a really long time. SO, if I never respond or update, you know what happened.

As for responses, ummmm, I don't know anymore. I mean basically right now I'm just waiting for my dad to give me a response. You could comment on anything you want really. Also, I love questions, so ask away. lol

[maddogmj77]

school started at like 8:30, it's 9:10. I don't wanna go, because I was dropped off at my house by my step dad and if I left for school RIGHT then, I would still be late. So, I don't wanna go, because I don't wanna be late. Mainly because we have block schedule (1-3-5 ; 2-4-6) and my 2nd period math teacher is meeeeean. :(

Update: I'm gonna wait until about 10:30, then go to school. It should be 4th period by then. I'l just go into the office, get the late slip, then go to class. But, I've been late so many times like this, that the Vice Principal had to talk to me, and told me if I was late again, I would have an in-house suspension. If that happens, I'm just never going to school ever again. Then I'll have my phone and laptop taken away for a really long time. SO, if I never respond or update, you know what happened.

I don't wanna go to school at all now, I just realized I have PE from 12:47-2:30 (2 HOURS!!!!), and it's gonna be anywhere from 83-92F*. Also, I kinda went a bit crazy with my razor a couple of days ago, and I gotta wear shorts and a t-shirt....... I'm am EXTREMELY self-conscious about everything I do (EX: Whenever I notice how I'm walking, I walk really weird, and I try to not think about it, but it doesn't work. So, sometime, I'll find a reason to stop walking for a second), and I don't want people to see them.

I don't know what to do, cause I don't wanna get in trouble, but I don't think there is any way to escape it now. I could either, A: go to school and just walk straight into class, risking having them send me to the office. B: Go to school, walk straight into the office, get a note, and then go to class. But, the people in the office KNOW me because I'm late so much, and because I'm an Office TA. Or C: Stay home all day, and hope nobody finds out.

[maddogmj77]

Well it's 1 0' clock now, I'm not going to school. :(
I shouldn't have fucking done this, I don't wanna get in trouble. But it's too late now.

[maddogmj77]

Alright, I think I just blew my shot. My dad came into my room, put a chair down, and told me to pause the video. I knew he was about to talk about something serious, it HAD to be the letter. I got so nervous, that I just kept on watching the video. I did that for about 3 minutes while he sat behind me. Then my friend Brian knocked on the door, I hurried off and answered it. I let him come in, and we starting watching some videos together, and dad went back in his room. He saved me big time. Now it's been about 5 hours since he left and I'm doing absolutely nothing right now. He has the perfect opportunity to talk to me, but I think he forgot. I don't want him to forget, but I DO NOT want to talk in person.

[maddogmj77]

dad came into my room right after we got home and I was laying in bed, I didn't anticipate this. He just asked me, how long I'd been feeling this way. (I assume he was taking about being bisexual). I tried to come with a response, and I did, but I just couldn't quite say it. So I just sat there until he told me to write everything down on a piece of paper and bring it to him. Which I did. He hasn't done or said anything in response yet. I'm on my way to my mom's house right now.
He also asked why I was depressed. (He found out I was depressed and stuff by going through my texts like a month and a half ago) He said he wanted to know so he could figure out what kind of therapist to go to. So, I'm happy that he knew what I meant by "help"

[maddogmj77]

So I texted my dad asking "So, what are ya gonna do about...?" that's the best I could come up with. He said "There's nothing we can 'do', but I have some questions for you, and we can talk more on Saturday" "Or I can talk, and you can write"

I never responded, cause I couldn't come up with anything, and cause I didn't want to

UPDATE 5/18/14 12:05AM: I'm at my dad's house now. My dad hasn't said anything, and I'm not gonna bring it up. I guess I'll just have to wait.

[Dark_Desires]

I hope this isn't harsh But talk to your dad it sounds like he cares and is trying just talk to him after all hes your Dad and Family.

Why bother hiding who you are i can understand it been hard to say certain things and i felt that way but it helped me Telling my mum after not talking to her about my problems.
And what's to lose by telling him your Depressed and could use some help if you indeed want it?.

[RavleIncarnate]

Remember, there are waay too many help and advice people on here to go with stuff like this untold. And there are waay too many people willing to try to help and advise to let this go untold, either. Please don't forget that to all thing must come an end, even this shit about ED schools and the druggie bro. Just let your dad get through and stop throwing gates and moats before him. He just wants to help, and the sooner you let him, the sooner this could have its end as well. What's the worst tht could happen? What's the best that could happen? What is the possibilities, and what is most likely to happen?

If you go on like this, he will think that you don't trust him.

And that has the power to devastate any parent's mind.

[maddogmj77]

Remember, there are waay too many help and advice people on here to go with stuff like this untold. And there are waay too many people willing to try to help and advise to let this go untold, either. Please don't forget that to all thing must come an end, even this shit about ED schools and the druggie bro. Just let your dad get through and stop throwing gates and moats before him. He just wants to help, and the sooner you let him, the sooner this could have its end as well. What's the worst tht could happen? What's the best that could happen? What is the possibilities, and what is most likely to happen?

If you go on like this, he will think that you don't trust him.

And that has the power to devastate any parent's mind.

Well, who said I trusted him? And I'm not sure what you mean by that, trust him for what? But anyways, I really don't like to trust people, and very much enjoy solitude. So, I don't know if that says anything about me, but yeeeeah....

Dad came into my room again. He asked how exactly I came upon this feeling of being bi, if I noticed it by just being around people, experimenting or something else. He worded it pretty weirdly and asked me if I knew what he meant. I tried to answer, but I just can't. So I just kinda made a positive groan or something, and he left. That was at about 6pm or so. I didn't even bother getting out a piece of paper cause I couldn't didn't wanna answer. I don't know what to say, it's just so weird. I kinda have an answer, but it's just........weird.

[Jack russell dad]

Just hang In there. Were here for u

[maddogmj77]

Just hang In there. Were here for u

Thanks, but I need help. I don't know what to do right now.

[Jack russell dad]

Thanks, but I need help. I don't know what to do right now.

Just talk to him face to face, my parents confronted yesterday about my sexuality. They asked me why i watched gay porn. Your dad is the best one to talk to no matter what

[maddogmj77]

Just talk to him face to face, my parents confronted yesterday about my sexuality. They asked me why i watched gay porn. Your dad is the best one to talk to no matter what

I really try, but I just can't do it. I try and make sentences, or look at him, but I CAN'T DO IT. I don't know what to do. :(

I'm at my dad's house right now, school started over an hour ago, I'm not going. Partly cause I didn't get that much sleep, and partly cause there's just not enough time to myself. I'm always going back and forth between my dad's and my mom's, and have NO time to myself. Here's my very confusing schedule.
Monday: Arrive at dad's house at 8AM, go to mom's house at 5PM
Tuesday: Arrive at dad's house at 8AM, stay there
Wednesday: Stay at dad's
Thursday: Go to mom's house at 5PM
Friday: Arrive at dad's house at 8AM, go to mom's house at 5PM
Saturday: Dad picks me up at 7pm-ish
Sunday: Go to mom's house anywhere from 5-10PM
My dad works like 5am-5pm or something, so when I arrive at my house, my dad isn't there.

[RavleIncarnate]

Oh, I'm the same type of person. Much more of a solitary angel. I juat thought you have to tell him cuz he's not a woman, since women can't keep secrets. However, you have to let it out somewhere, be it in a temporary fit, or whatever, you can't bottle up your emotions forever.

[Jack russell dad]

I really try, but I just can't do it. I try and make sentences, or look at him, but I CAN'T DO IT. I don't know what to do. :(

I'm at my dad's house right now, school started over an hour ago, I'm not going. Partly cause I didn't get that much sleep, and partly cause there's just not enough time to myself. I'm always going back and forth between my dad's and my mom's, and have NO time to myself. Here's my very confusing schedule.
Monday: Arrive at dad's house at 8AM, go to mom's house at 5PM
Tuesday: Arrive at dad's house at 8AM, stay there
Wednesday: Stay at dad's
Thursday: Go to mom's house at 5PM
Friday: Arrive at dad's house at 8AM, go to mom's house at 5PM
Saturday: Dad picks me up at 7pm-ish
Sunday: Go to mom's house anywhere from 5-10PM
My dad works like 5am-5pm or something, so when I arrive at my house, my dad isn't there.
i had to talk to my parents cause they seen me watching gay porn. They cornered me. I told them i was gay cause i always preferred gay porn and had actually had a few crushes on some guys, but never any girls. As for u, try to get him to bring it up, that's what i did. Go from there. Plus, when ur dad gets off work, I'm sure he's tired, so that's probably the best time to talk cause i doubt he'll want to talk to long, so do it then.

[xXl0sth0peXx]

I don't have anything to add besides what I've said in one of your other threads, but I just want to reassure you that it will get better. It's hard now but please hang in there, whatever you do. It can't be dark forever.

If you're scared to talk to him face to face, write him a letter or email or something. If you can't say it out loud, write it. It sounds like your dad cares, and if you're not around when he his, call him when you have a chance. Or write. Never a harm in writing.

Don't hesitate to drop me a PM if you ever need someone to talk to. You can do it.

[maddogmj77]

I just thought you have to tell him cuz he's not a woman, since women can't keep secrets.

ummmm, WTF?!

I had to talk to my parents cause they seen me watching gay porn. They cornered me. I told them i was gay cause i always preferred gay porn and had actually had a few crushes on some guys, but never any girls. As for u, try to get him to bring it up, that's what i did. Go from there. Plus, when ur dad gets off work, I'm sure he's tired, so that's probably the best time to talk cause i doubt he'll want to talk to long, so do it then.

Wow, I would just stay in my room until I died if that happened. I never see my dad right after he gets home. My stupid schedule doesn't allow it, lol.

I don't have anything to add besides what I've said in one of your other threads, but I just want to reassure you that it will get better. It's hard now but please hang in there, whatever you do. It can't be dark forever.

If you're scared to talk to him face to face, write him a letter or email or something. If you can't say it out loud, write it. It sounds like your dad cares, and if you're not around when he his, call him when you have a chance. Or write. Never a harm in writing.

Don't hesitate to drop me a PM if you ever need someone to talk to. You can do it.

That's what I've been doing, but this question is just weird, and I don't wanna answer for some reason.

Anyways, I'm at my mom's right now. My 11 year old step brother Kyle just walked in, kinda yelled "MATTHEW'S BI!", but he didn't even pay any attention to me, just put his shoes on, got a jacket, and walked back outside. So I'm sitting here like "WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!". I think he was just joking, but I really don't know what to think.

Oh and also, I'm 9 days free from cutting *sarcastic "yay"*. One more day, and I'll beat my record. It's just that no matter how long I last, I never really feel any sort of accomplishment, I guess that's why I just give up after a while :(

[Jack russell dad]

Maybe after he picks you up, from school or your moms, try to direct a conversation in that direction.

[maddogmj77]

Maybe after he picks you up, from school or your moms, try to direct a conversation in that direction.

He doesn't pick me up from school. The only time he picks me up from mom's is on Saturday around 7PM. Otherwise, I barely even see him anymore. I'm either at my house alone, or at my mom's. I only see him from Saturday 7PM - Sunday 7PM-ish. So basically I only see him one day a week, even though I technically live in his house, (I don't even have my own bed at my mom's house). It used to be that I would only go to my mom's house every friday evening, and come back Sunday or Saturday. But now because I'm getting to school late everyday, he's making me do this.

[Jack russell dad]

He doesn't pick me up from school. The only time he picks me up from mom's is on Saturday around 7PM. Otherwise, I barely even see him anymore. I'm either at my house alone, or at my mom's. I only see him from Saturday 7PM - Sunday 7PM-ish. So basically I only see him one day a week, even though I technically live in his house, (I don't even have my own bed at my mom's house). It used to be that I would only go to my mom's house every friday evening, and come back Sunday or Saturday. But now because I'm getting to school late everyday, he's making me do this.

When he picks you up, get a conversation started, and then try and veer it into the topic of your sexuality. I'm sure he'd be tired, so it shouldn't be that hard. Given your schedule would allow it.

And you said your younger brother screamed that your bi, just ignore him. No shame in your sexuality. Karma will get him back, believe me, it will.

[maddogmj77]

I just got home from my friend house, played an AWESOME game of MtG Two-headed Dragon, and won. I got home and dinner was ready and dad just started eating, so I sat down and started eating. After a while of just silence, he asks me if Ryan being gone will help my Depression and Anxiety. I knew it would to an extent but I'm not really sure. I just sat there and looked and my phone; neither of us said anything. So eventually he got up and let the dogs in, and I went back to Larry's house cause I forgot my backpack. Now I'm just laying in bed, it's 15 minutes past bedtime but dad's not saying anything. I always stay on my phone for an hour or two anyways.

[Jack russell dad]

I just got home from my friend house, played an AWESOME game of MtG Two-headed Dragon, and won. I got home and dinner was ready and dad just started eating, so I sat down and started eating. After a while of just silence, he asks me if Ryan being gone will help my Depression and Anxiety. I knew it would to an extent but I'm not really sure. I just sat there and looked and my phone; neither of us said anything. So eventually he got up and let the dogs in, and I went back to Larry's house cause I forgot my backpack. Now I'm just laying in bed, it's 15 minutes past bedtime but dad's not saying anything. I always stay on my phone for an hour or two anyways.

Wish my parent(s) cared that much to ask me how i feel when i look sad, or even asked how i feel since my dog died.look on the bright side, your brother will get help from the letter he wrote about you, and will hopefully break his drug addiction. I know you don't believe, but i remember you when i pray. Remember I'm here if u need me. I get on daily, just pm me

[maddogmj77]

Wish my parent(s) cared that much to ask me how i feel when i look sad, or even asked how i feel since my dog died.look on the bright side, your brother will get help from the letter he wrote about you, and will hopefully break his drug addiction. I know you don't believe, but i remember you when i pray. Remember I'm here if u need me. I get on daily, just pm me

Well, my dad didn't ask because I just looked that way. He asked because he found I was depressed and stuff by going through my texts. Otherwise, he probably would've never done that.

I just got to my mom's house. I got to school like 50 minutes late so I don't have my laptop today. I wouldn't have taken my phone to school either, but he couldn't stop me since he left for court.

[Jack russell dad]

Well, my dad didn't ask because I just looked that way. He asked because he found I was depressed and stuff by going through my texts. Otherwise, he probably would've never done that.

I just got to my mom's house. I got to school like 50 minutes late so I don't have my laptop today. I wouldn't have taken my phone to school either, but he couldn't stop me since he left for court.

I'd hate it if my mom or step dad went through my texts or computer history. I still dont have my laptop back. Youd think parents would give us privacy. Well, if you text, atleast you have a friend you can talk to. And then like i say, I'm here along with tons of other good people. Were always here for you.

[maddogmj77]

I'd hate it if my mom or step dad went through my texts or computer history. I still dont have my laptop back. You'd think parents would give us privacy. Well, if you text, at least you have a friend you can talk to. And then like I say, I'm here along with tons of other good people. We're always here for you.

Yeah, I hate when people go through my stuff. Even them just touching my stuff annoys the crap out of me. Just the way I am.
Thanks you so much. I'll try and message you sometime. :)

[Jack russell dad]

Yeah, I hate when people go through my stuff. Even them just touching my stuff annoys the crap out of me. Just the way I am.
Thanks you so much. I'll try and message you sometime. :)

Yep, anytime.

[maddogmj77]

It was about 10:30PM, so I kept on bugging my dad I was hungry, and wanted dinner, so eventually we went to Taco Bell. We were about 3 minutes from getting there and my dad asks "So, how has the depression and anxiety been since Ryan has been gone for about a month? Better? the same? or worse?" Again, I stayed silent, but I REEEALLY wanted to say something. I kept on saying to myself in my head "Better. Better. Better." We got to Taco Bell, and got in the drive-thru lane. He said he wanted a verbal response by the time we ordered, or he would just drive off. So, instead of saying it in my head, I said it very quietly, not even audible to myself. I kept on doing that, over and over again, slightly louder each time. Until he could hear it. But he didn't understand it. So, I kept on going, until he finally understood me. Then he said "Finally, it wasn't that hard" I just stayed silent again. That was it for the conversation. I finally made a word, yay?

[CrazyPerson101]

He doesn't pick me up from school. The only time he picks me up from mom's is on Saturday around 7PM. Otherwise, I barely even see him anymore. I'm either at my house alone, or at my mom's. I only see him from Saturday 7PM - Sunday 7PM-ish. So basically I only see him one day a week, even though I technically live in his house, (I don't even have my own bed at my mom's house). It used to be that I would only go to my mom's house every friday evening, and come back Sunday or Saturday. But now because I'm getting to school late everyday, he's making me do this.


Hi , I understand what you're going through in a way.... See I never met my dad ( He knocked my mom out , did her and left her for dead behind a dumpster. He did that to other women so I have brothers and or sisters that I don't know . My mom has Multiple Sclerosis and I have a 6 ( soon to be 7 ) year old sister who has GURD , Asthma , hole in her heart , epilepsy ( the list goes on and on ). My grandpa is COMPLETELY against gay , bi etc. people so I am to afraid to say anything. My grandma doesn't like it but she would be willing ot accept it and I haven't told my mom yet. Ive only told my friend Kristen and her sister and thats about it. Pm if you want and I can tell you more . Id rather not post EVERYTHING but I'm willing to tell you if it helps :)

[maddogmj77]

Hi , I understand what you're going through in a way.... See I never met my dad ( He knocked my mom out , did her and left her for dead behind a dumpster. He did that to other women so I have brothers and or sisters that I don't know . My mom has Multiple Sclerosis and I have a 6 ( soon to be 7 ) year old sister who has GURD , Asthma , hole in her heart , epilepsy ( the list goes on and on ). My grandpa is COMPLETELY against gay , bi etc. people so I am to afraid to say anything. My grandma doesn't like it but she would be willing to accept it and I haven't told my mom yet. I've only told my friend Kristen and her sister and thats about it. Pm if you want and I can tell you more . Id rather not post EVERYTHING but I'm willing to tell you if it helps :)

I'm sorry to hear that, that's horrible. I'll try and PM you when I get the chance.

[Dalcourt]

It was about 10:30PM, so I kept on bugging my dad I was hungry, and wanted dinner, so eventually we went to Taco Bell. We were about 3 minutes from getting there and my dad asks "So, how has the depression and anxiety been since Ryan has been gone for about a month? Better? the same? or worse?" Again, I stayed silent, but I REEEALLY wanted to say something. I kept on saying to myself in my head "Better. Better. Better." We got to Taco Bell, and got in the drive-thru lane. He said he wanted a verbal response by the time we ordered, or he would just drive off. So, instead of saying it in my head, I said it very quietly, not even audible to myself. I kept on doing that, over and over again, slightly louder each time. Until he could hear it. But he didn't understand it. So, I kept on going, until he finally understood me. Then he said "Finally, it wasn't that hard" I just stayed silent again. That was it for the conversation. I finally made a word, yay?

I haven't really read what you posted and commented cuz I had a few problems on my own...anyhow I read it now...Good to see that you make some progress, even if it's just a little it is good ...keep it up and everything will turn out fine in the end

[CrazyPerson101]

I'm sorry to hear that, that's horrible. I'll try and PM you when I get the chance.


Cool :)

[maddogmj77]

So, today I got back from my trip to Southern Oregon University. As soon as I got back I laid on my bed and went to sleep. I got woken up by my dad when he said that mom was gonna be here in about 5 minutes. I went back to sleep and she got here. I didn't wanna get up, so my dad painfully dragged/carried me after several tries and drops. They got me in the car, and I tried to slam the door on my leg, but they stopped me, and put the child lock on. My stepdad, mom, and brother we're all in the car so I just stuck my head in the corner. We got home, and by that time I was a bit better. Then i just got this really strong urge to hurt myself. I can't stop thinking about it, or how good it will feel. I texted my boyfriend about this, and he was really caring. But now he's fallen asleep. I can't help these unbearable thoughts to just hurt myself. I feel so terrible and worthless right now. I don't know what to do. Also, I'm getting these butterflies in my stomach every minute or so. I think something's wrong, but I don't know what. I need help, or something? I'm scared.

[maddogmj77]

My step-dad dropped me off directly at school. I went straight home from there. My dad just called the home phone. He knows I haven't been at school, and knows I've been texting someone from Tenesse since 8AM. That's my boyfriend. He asked me who it was and I never said. I wanna DIE RIGHT NOW!!!! I can't do this anymore. I need to runaway, or something. The messages we sent were a bit "graphic", and all I wanna do is either kill myself or runaway. I don't have anywhere to go, I don't know anybody except like 2 friends. I have to go quick before someone shows up at my house. You won't be hearing from me from a really long time. I've been so stupid.

[Living For Love]

My step-dad dropped me off directly at school. I went straight home from there. My dad just called the home phone. He knows I haven't been at school, and knows I've been texting someone from Tenesse since 8AM. That's my boyfriend. He asked me who it was and I never said. I wanna DIE RIGHT NOW!!!! I can't do this anymore. I need to runaway, or something. The messages we sent were a bit "graphic", and all I wanna do is either kill myself or runaway. I don't have anywhere to go, I don't know anybody except like 2 friends. I have to go quick before someone shows up at my house. You won't be hearing from me from a really long time. I've been so stupid.
Your dad has already went through so much with your depression and your brother's problems, why do you think he will go berserk when he confronts you about those messages? If he already knew you were bisexual, then I guess he won't seem so surprised. You could try to explain him how having someone you really loved could contribute to make you progressively stop self-harming, or even help you with your depression. Please don't do anything drastic, I guess running away won't solve the issue. Your life is getting better, step by step, you can't give up now.

[maddogmj77]

Your dad has already went through so much with your depression and your brother's problems, why do you think he will go berserk when he confronts you about those messages? If he already knew you were bisexual, then I guess he won't seem so surprised. You could try to explain him how having someone you really loved could contribute to make you progressively stop self-harming, or even help you with your depression. Please don't do anything drastic, I guess running away won't solve the issue. Your life is getting better, step by step, you can't give up now.

My life WAS getting better. Now everything is ruined. He does help me though, but my dad will never see it.

[Living For Love]

My life WAS getting better. Now everything is ruined. He does help me though, but my dad will never see it.
No, not everything is ruined, not because your dad found out about your relationship with a guy. You've already had enough trouble in your life, mostly things you didn't cause but ended up affecting you a lot, your dad can't just forbidden you to be happy and stop you from searching for methods to cope with all the bad things in your life. I think you just should talk to your dad about this, honestly, I understand how fed up he must be of familiar problems, but all this situation has also taken its toll on you, and he needs to realise that.

[maddogmj77]

No, not everything is ruined, not because your dad found out about your relationship with a guy. You've already had enough trouble in your life, mostly things you didn't cause but ended up affecting you a lot, your dad can't just forbidden you to be happy and stop you from searching for methods to cope with all the bad things in your life. I think you just should talk to your dad about this, honestly, I understand how fed up he must be of familiar problems, but all this situation has also taken its toll on you, and he needs to realise that.

He's not gonna understand. My boyfriend was the best thing that ever happned to me. He loves me, I love him, and I've been able to actually be happy. But all he's gonna do is ground me forever and send me to either an ED or military school.

[Living For Love]

He's not gonna understand. My boyfriend was the best thing that ever happned to me. He loves me, I love him, and I've been able to actually be happy. But all he's gonna do is ground me forever and send me to either an ED or military school.
He must understand, though, because right now you need help, and he can't simply refuse to help his own son when he needs him. At least give yourself a chance to try and explain things to him, at least make sure he hears you somehow, and he gets your perspective. Come on, don't give up now, you were making progress, you can't let this get you down once again.

[maddogmj77]

He must understand, though, because right now you need help, and he can't simply refuse to help his own son when he needs him. At least give yourself a chance to try and explain things to him, at least make sure he hears you somehow, and he gets your perspective. Come on, don't give up now, you were making progress, you can't let this get you down once again.

I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I can't think straight. My heart is going really fast, I'm dizzy, I wanna sleep, and I'm hearing noises. I just want this all be over. I know he's gonna react horribly to this, and he's never gonna get me help.

[maddogmj77]

I got my phone and laptop taken away. I'm at my mom's house using their desktop while they're at Target. I stayed at my house until my stepdad came to pick me up, nothing has happened so far.

[maddogmj77]

I have my phone and laptop back, I really doubt he knows what the messages said, otherwise I wouldn't have these for a while. Nothing has happened at all. I just want SOMETHING to happen, I still need help. I'm still 27 days free from hurting myself, but I want to, really badly. I hate this, nobody's ever gonna do anything, they just completely forgot, they always forget and think I'm just great . . . . I'm not. :cry2:

[Jack russell dad]

I didn't forget babe. I will never forget. I feel like shit for not staying up sunday night. Just message me asap or when u get your phone back. I promise to stay up longer for you. I Love you

[maddogmj77]

I thought I would be feeling better, now that my brother is gone for a while and I'm on summer vacation, but I still feel horrible. Probably cut again soon, sorry :(

[xXoblivionXx]

I thought I would be feeling better, now that my brother is gone for a while and I'm on summer vacation, but I still feel horrible. Probably cut again soon, sorry :(

Aww, don't cut :( 27 days is a huge accomplishment! Hang in there Mattew! Try to keep yourself busy, have fun on vacation. And remember, there is always people who will think/remember you, maybe not a ton of people but always someone

[maddogmj77]

Aww, don't cut :( 27 days is a huge accomplishment! Hang in there Mattew! Try to keep yourself busy, have fun on vacation. And remember, there is always people who will think/remember you, maybe not a ton of people but always someone
I was at 6 days, but now I'm at 0. sorry :(

[xXoblivionXx]

I was at 6 days, but now I'm at 0. sorry :(

Aw :( what making you feel so low?

[maddogmj77]

Aw :( what making you feel so low?

I don't know, I just feel like there's nothing to do, no point to ANYTHING, and I get so nervous about the tiniest things happening. I don't know really.

[xXoblivionXx]

I don't know, I just feel like there's nothing to do, no point to ANYTHING, and I get so nervous about the tiniest things happening. I don't know really.

I hate it when that happens, you feel like shit and you have no clue why so it's hard to fix it. When this happens to me distractions help a lot. Read a book watch a movie, go on a walk, watch YouTube, anything really. Where in California do you live? I have cousins who live in Fremont, Bakersfield, and San Jose

[maddogmj77]

I hate it when that happens, you feel like shit and you have no clue why so it's hard to fix it. When this happens to me distractions help a lot. Read a book watch a movie, go on a walk, watch YouTube, anything really. Where in California do you live? I have cousins who live in Fremont, Bakersfield, and San Jose

I'm watching TV and videos on Youtube, but, it's not helping that much. I live in Sacramento.

[Living For Love]

I'm sorry for what happened, Matthew. I agree with xYz, you should now enjoy your vacation, try to relax a bit, go out somewhere, distract yourself so that you don't think a lot about your problems. You deserve some rest now. Just want to let you know that we're here for you.

[xXoblivionXx]

Aw man :/ well is there anything I can do to help? I've never been to Sacramento, what's it like?

[maddogmj77]

I'm sorry for what happened, Matthew. I agree with xYz, you should now enjoy your vacation, try to relax a bit, go out somewhere, distract yourself so that you don't think a lot about your problems. You deserve some rest now. Just want to let you know that we're here for you.
Thanks, I'm trying, I just can't for some reason :(

Aw man :/ well is there anything I can do to help? I've never been to Sacramento, what's it like?
I don't know, probably not. It's fine I guess.

[maddogmj77]

I'm starting to cut a lot deeper while feeling less, I'm scared I'm gonna eventually gonna cut 'too' deep. I don't even have a reason to keep on doing this, why do I do it?

[xXoblivionXx]

I'm starting to cut a lot deeper while feeling less, I'm scared I'm gonna eventually gonna cut 'too' deep. I don't even have a reason to keep on doing this, why do I do it?

When you say no reason to keep doing do you mean cutting or living? Please do one thing for me.. Can you throw away your blades?

[Jack russell dad]

When you say no reason to keep doing do you mean cutting or living? Please do one thing for me.. Can you throw away your blades?

Yes. Please matthew? For me? You can do it your strong. I told you to message me when your feeling bad, please? We can talk tonight.

[maddogmj77]

I don't know, I really don't want to. It's like the last thing I have. I mean there's no reason to keep cutting. But, I feel like I NEED to do it.

[Jack russell dad]

I don't know, I really don't want to. It's like the last thing I have. I mean there's no reason to keep cutting. But, I feel like I NEED to do it.

Just please be careful. I love you talk tonight

[CrazyPerson101]

I don't know, I really don't want to. It's like the last thing I have. I mean there's no reason to keep cutting. But, I feel like I NEED to do it.


Come on Mathew , Xyz believes in you , Seth Believes in you , I believe in you. You can do it ! You're stronger than you think, I hope you enjoy your chat with Seth. Good luck Mathew :)

[maddogmj77]

Come on Mathew , Xyz believes in you , Seth Believes in you , I believe in you. You can do it ! You're stronger than you think, I hope you enjoy your chat with Seth. Good luck Mathew :)

No, I can't do it. I feel like I need to cut right now. :(

[CrazyPerson101]

No, I can't do it. I feel like I need to cut right now. :(


Oh but you can , You just have to find it in yourself not to. Somewhere deep deep deeeeeeeeeeeeep down , you have the strength not to, You went almost a month without cutting and I bet you can go even longer.

[maddogmj77]

Oh but you can , You just have to find it in yourself not to. Somewhere deep deep deeeeeeeeeeeeep down , you have the strength not to, You went almost a month without cutting and I bet you can go even longer.

That whole month was hell, I don't wanna try again.

[CrazyPerson101]

That whole month was hell, I don't wanna try again.


Oh? My month hasn't been all that good either, but I try to find the good things in it. What is wrong ? what has made your month so bad ?

[xXoblivionXx]

Just keep trying Mattew. You can so this :hug3:

[maddogmj77]

Hey dad, you said you we're gonna look into getting a therapist, and you never did anything. I don't like talking, if you try to talk to me, I'm not gonna talk. Do whatever you want, I DO NOT LIKE TO TALK! I don't like you talking to me either. So, I'm not really sure how anybody is even supposed to help me, so I guess this is all really pointless.
-Matthew
I'm gonna try again with another letter and see what happens. I think this is good, I just don't know when to send it. It's gonna have to be after Monday, we're going to some lake this weekend to set off tons of illegal fireworks, but where we are going, they will be legal. Usually we set them off here, but I guess it'll be better at the lake or something.

[xXoblivionXx]

So you're willing to go see a therapist? That's good, if your dad won't schedule it look into it find a place and ask your dad to just do the paperwork.

[maddogmj77]

So you're willing to go see a therapist? That's good, if your dad won't schedule it look into it find a place and ask your dad to just do the paperwork.

Yeah, I just don't know what they'll be able to do for me.

[xXoblivionXx]

Yeah, I just don't know what they'll be able to do for me.

Well, they mainly get you to talk and then help you think Of a way to make things better. Which obviously takes time, when I first started I didn't want to talk because I wasn't comfortable but eventually I became fine talking about my problems with my therapist. Don't shoot the idea down completely because your not sure if it will work, it just might

[maddogmj77]

Well, they mainly get you to talk and then help you think Of a way to make things better. Which obviously takes time, when I first started I didn't want to talk because I wasn't comfortable but eventually I became fine talking about my problems with my therapist. Don't shoot the idea down completely because your not sure if it will work, it just might

I feel like I don't have a problem. And that I'm just gonna look stupid for even going there. Also, quick question, what are the chances of for some reason going to a mental hospital. Don't really care, I wouldn't mind going to one.

[xXoblivionXx]

I feel like I don't have a problem. And that I'm just gonna look stupid for even going there. Also, quick question, what are the chances of for some reason going to a mental hospital. Don't really care, I wouldn't mind going to one.

You can admit yourself in to one. I had to be put in to one for a few days after my suicide attempt. But please don't attempt suicide just to get admitted.

[maddogmj77]

You can admit yourself in to one. I had to be put in to one for a few days after my suicide attempt. But please don't attempt suicide just to get admitted.

To be honest even before you said that I have thought about it, and got sort of a plan, but I'd never do it, I hope.

[maddogmj77]

I'm at Siena hotel in Reno with my half-brother, step-dad, and Mom. Its like 3am or something and everybody else is asleep. It's cold, I'm hungry, & my step-dad is snoring, so I can't sleep. I really need to get some sleep, so I'm not as much of a bitch tomorrow. Also, I usually sleep curled up, in like a ball, but I can't because of how tight the sheets are tucked in. It's kinda like a safety thing for me. I don't know what I'm gonna do, this is horrible. I'm also scared, cause I'm gonna have to go swimming and they might see my scars on my legs. They are extremely visible and I'm scared. Uuugh, what do I do? I CAN'T SLEEP!! :(

[xXoblivionXx]

I'm at Siena hotel in Reno with my half-brother, step-dad, and Mom. Its like 3am or something and everybody else is asleep. It's cold, I'm hungry, & my step-dad is snoring, so I can't sleep. I really need to get some sleep, so I'm not as much of a bitch tomorrow. Also, I usually sleep curled up, in like a ball, but I can't because of how tight the sheets are tucked in. It's kinda like a safety thing for me. I don't know what I'm gonna do, this is horrible. I'm also scared, cause I'm gonna have to go swimming and they might see my scars on my legs. They are extremely visible and I'm scared. Uuugh, what do I do? I CAN'T SLEEP!! :(

Slow down for a sec, deep breathes, in and out. Just focus on breathing and nothing else.

Yeah, sleeping curled into a ball can be comforting, I prefer to hugging a pillow, i find it comfortable. As for the snoring try putting on some head phones? If you don't have any put your phone/iPod under your pillow and put it on low, I should be just load enough for you to hear. I wish I could teleport you some granola bars through my computer but that hasn't been invented yet :P

I would say put makeup on your scars but that might wash away with the water. Maybe say you feel like you are getting a cold and don't go into the water?

Just remember it's going to be okay, remember to breathe *hug*

[maddogmj77]

Slow down for a sec, deep breathes, in and out. Just focus on breathing and nothing else.

Yeah, sleeping curled into a ball can be comforting, I prefer to hugging a pillow, i find it comfortable. As for the snoring try putting on some head phones? If you don't have any put your phone/iPod under your pillow and put it on low, I should be just load enough for you to hear. I wish I could teleport you some granola bars through my computer but that hasn't been invented yet :P

I would say put makeup on your scars but that might wash away with the water. Maybe say you feel like you are getting a cold and don't go into the water?

Just remember it's going to be okay, remember to breathe *hug*
I'm better now, I'm sleeping on the floor now, curled up. Also, I'm talking to my boyfriend, sooo, I'm fine. :) thanks though, I just gotta hope my pant legs dont slip up more than a couple inches. (((hugs)))

[maddogmj77]

I'm gonna hop back in bed and go to sleep. My head hurts :( goodnight

[xXoblivionXx]

Okay, goodnight! I'm glad you're doing better :)

[CrazyPerson101]

So how are you feeling maddogmj5 ?

[maddogmj77]

So how are you feeling maddogmj5 ?

I'm fine, I just woke up and took a shower. I gotta go somewhere, I dont even know yet. And get something to eat, I'm really hungry.

[CrazyPerson101]

I'm fine, I just woke up and took a shower. I gotta go somewhere, I dont even know yet. And get something to eat, I'm really hungry.


Well thats AWESOME :D Hope you have fun going to where ever you're going and I know the feeling, I have eaten 1 thing today and I'll be full for the rest of the day.

[maddogmj77]

I'm on my way back to the hotel from Pyramid Lake. Had a lot of fun with all the fireworks. Excited to go swimming tomorrow, still a little scared. Talking to my boyfriend right now, soooo, :P

[maddogmj77]

Just took a shower, feeling a bit better. But kinda having a breakdown, not feeling good at all. I push everything away to try and live but then they come back in these horrible horrible breakdowns, and I feel terrible. :( Don't know what happened to my BF, I think he fell asleep.

[xXoblivionXx]

Just took a shower, feeling a bit better. But kinda having a breakdown, not feeling good at all. I push everything away to try and live but then they come back in these horrible horrible breakdowns, and I feel terrible. :( Don't know what happened to my BF, I think he fell asleep.

Hey Matt, it's going to be all right. Seth probably just fell asleep. I know break downs feel horrible. But they don't last long, sometimes you just have to wait it out. Stay strong hun!

[Jack russell dad]

Just took a shower, feeling a bit better. But kinda having a breakdown, not feeling good at all. I push everything away to try and live but then they come back in these horrible horrible breakdowns, and I feel terrible. :( Don't know what happened to my BF, I think he fell asleep.

I fell asleep im so so so sorry love, please forgive me. I had a headache, my throat hurt, and i had been up since 7 that mornin.

[CrazyPerson101]

Im glad you had fun matthew the first day :) ( and can I say AWWWW you and seth are a cute couple ) Anyway , I hope you're ok , and seth , to get rid of your headache ( assuming you still have it ) take a alieve and drink something hot , doesn't matter what it is but drink something thats warm , tea works great to soothe sore throats :)

[maddogmj77]

I fell asleep im so so so sorry love, please forgive me. I had a headache, my throat hurt, and i had been up since 7 that mornin.
It's alright. You don't have to ask for forgiveness, I'm never mad at you :)

Im glad you had fun matthew the first day :) ( and can I say AWWWW you and seth are a cute couple ) Anyway , I hope you're ok , and seth , to get rid of your headache ( assuming you still have it ) take a Aleve and drink something hot , doesn't matter what it is but drink something that's warm , tea works great to soothe sore throats :)
Thanks, yup, we are :)

Hey Matt, it's going to be all right. Seth probably just fell asleep. I know break downs feel horrible. But they don't last long, sometimes you just have to wait it out. Stay strong hun!
I fell asleep shortly after that update, so I was fine. Thanks, I'll try.

I'm at some buffet thing, waiting for the rest of our party to get here. I'm have the same feeling as anxiety right now, but, I'm not worried about anything. :(

[CrazyPerson101]

:) I wish I could be as lucky as you too :) And Did you go swimming yet ? and whatcha do today ?

[maddogmj77]

:) I wish I could be as lucky as you too :) And Did you go swimming yet ? and whatcha do today ?

:P No, we may not go swimming. I dont know if that's a good or a bad thing yet :confused:

Nothing really, just got dressed, and went over here to the buffet.

[CrazyPerson101]

:P No, we may not go swimming. I dont know if that's a good or a bad thing yet :confused:

Nothing really, just got dressed, and went over here to the buffet.


Awww oh well ya know and oh ? well I'll leave ya be so you can eat :)

[maddogmj77]

Awww oh well ya know and oh ? well I'll leave ya be so you can eat :)

Awwww, you'll find someone, I thought I never would. Mmkay, thanks, I'll update later today :)

[Jack russell dad]

Im glad you had fun matthew the first day :) ( and can I say AWWWW you and seth are a cute couple ) Anyway , I hope you're ok , and seth , to get rid of your headache ( assuming you still have it ) take a alieve and drink something hot , doesn't matter what it is but drink something thats warm , tea works great to soothe sore throats :)

Thanks, I drunk about 2 cups of columbian blend coffee. Awww thanks. I couldnt be happy without him

[CrazyPerson101]

Thanks, I drunk about 2 cups of columbian blend coffee


That works :) , Did it help you're throat any ?

[Jack russell dad]

That works :) , Did it help you're throat any ?

Yea, thanks. Its my alergies, thanks:)

[CrazyPerson101]

Yea, thanks. Its my alergies, thanks:)

Ahhh ok well I hope your allergies quit acting up and you're welcome btw :)

[Jack russell dad]

Ahhh ok well I hope your allergies quit acting up and you're welcome btw :)

Thanks:)

[CrazyPerson101]

Thanks:)


You're welcome ( <---- Love saying You're idk why ) :)

[Jack russell dad]

You're welcome ( <---- Love saying You're idk why ) :)

We all do. Gtg bye

[maddogmj77]

You're welcome ( <---- Love saying You're idk why ) :)

I do too. We must take pride in using proper grammar and fancy words. :)

[Jack russell dad]

[QUOTE=maddogmj5;2846178]It's alright. You don't have to ask for forgiveness, I'm never mad at you :)
I know love, talk later:*

[CrazyPerson101]

I do too. We must take pride in using proper grammar and fancy words. :)


Yes , you're right ( See what I did there hehehehe ) we must take pride in using proper grammer ( which isn't used like it was back in the day ) anymore

[maddogmj77]

[QUOTE=maddogmj5;2846178]It's alright. You don't have to ask for forgiveness, I'm never mad at you :)
I know love, talk later:*

Of course :wub:

[xXoblivionXx]

[QUOTE=Jack russell dad;2846213]

Of course :wub:

Gosh you guys are so freaking cute!

Anyway, how are you doing?

[Jack russell dad]

Gosh you guys are so freaking cute!

Anyway, how are you doing?
Whoops, sorry my phone said you quoted me, sorry

[maddogmj77]

[QUOTE=maddogmj5;2846221]

Gosh you guys are so freaking cute!

Anyway, how are you doing?

OMG, thanks :whoops:

I'm alright, I just woke up, but I DIDN'T want to go to sleep, so I'm really mad at myself. I always waste my entire day by sleeping. It's like 2pm right now. So, I was going to try and not sleep, and I failed :(

[Jack russell dad]

[QUOTE=xYz...;2847533]

OMG, thanks :whoops:

I'm alright, I just woke up, but I DIDN'T want to go to sleep, so I'm really mad at myself. I always waste my entire day by sleeping. It's like 2pm right now. So, I was going to try and not sleep, and I failed :(

Next time I can call and wake you up if youd like, my love. Txt when you can. I love you

[maddogmj77]

[QUOTE=maddogmj5;2847580]

Next time I can call and wake you up if you'd like babe

Mmkay, I'll figure something out, thanks. :heart:

[Jack russell dad]

[QUOTE=Jack russell dad;2847581]

Mmkay, I'll figure something out, thanks. :heart:

I love you babe. Talk in a bit?

[maddogmj77]

[QUOTE=maddogmj5;2847585]

I love you babe. Talk in a bit?

Love you too, yup :)

[Jack russell dad]

[QUOTE=Jack russell dad;2847593]

Love you too, yup :)

Im gonna say it again, onced doesnt do it justice. I Love you baby

[xXoblivionXx]

How are you doing today?

[maddogmj77]

How are you doing today?

I'm good, Seth just went to sleep. I needed to cut, but I feel better now. I'm gonna go set up a server and play Minecraft with my friend. :)

[xXoblivionXx]

I'm good, Seth just went to sleep. I needed to cut, but I feel better now. I'm gonna go set up a server and play Minecraft with my friend. :)

Sounds good :) have fun, but if anything happens PM me okay? I'm here for you :)

[maddogmj77]

Sounds good :) have fun, but if anything happens PM me okay? I'm here for you :)

Mmkay, thanks it means a lot.

[maddogmj77]

Just woke up, tried to stay awake all night again, didn't work. :( I really really hate wasting time by sleeping so long

[CrazyPerson101]

Hi , thought Id drop in and say hi before I leave my computer for a few hours, anyway How was your day matthew ?

[maddogmj77]

Hi , thought Id drop in and say hi before I leave my computer for a few hours, anyway How was your day matthew ?

Only woke up a couple of hours ago. It's ok I guess.

I'm listening to music right now, trying to bring myself to write this letter out on paper or do something at all. But I'm getting really bad anxiety when I think of doing anything else, so I calm myself by focusing on the music. I'm probably gonna lay here for a while, maybe get some ice cream.

UPDATE: Watching TV right now, I wanna SH, so I'm trying to keep myself busy, but EVERYTHING seems sooooooooo boring!

[CrazyPerson101]

Only woke up a couple of hours ago. It's ok I guess.

I'm listening to music right now, trying to bring myself to write this letter out on paper or do something at all. But I'm getting really bad anxiety when I think of doing anything else, so I calm myself by focusing on the music. I'm probably gonna lay here for a while, maybe get some ice cream.

UPDATE: Watching TV right now, I wanna SH, so I'm trying to keep myself busy, but EVERYTHING seems sooooooooo boring!


Well that's good that you had a ok day. Etheir way t was better than others ....

[maddogmj77]

well, I have accomplished absolutely nothing today. Didn't even get real pants on, or a shirt. It's like 1:15am and I'm not tired at all. uuuuuuugh, what the fuck am I supposed to do? I'm never gonna leave that letter, even if I do, I'll never talk to anyone. I really should just give up.

[xXoblivionXx]

well, I have accomplished absolutely nothing today. Didn't even get real pants on, or a shirt. It's like 1:15am and I'm not tired at all. uuuuuuugh, what the fuck am I supposed to do? I'm never gonna leave that letter, even if I do, I'll never talk to anyone. I really should just give up.

No, please don't give up! You can do this. What is this letter your talking about?

[maddogmj77]

No, please don't give up! You can do this. What is this letter your talking about?
I posted it on here, page 4, post #64

[xXoblivionXx]

Just try to write it, I know its hard but just try to get what ever your feeling out on paper then read what you wrote and re write it so it makes a bit more sense to another person/make sure that's what your feeling. I know is hard gettin help but it's so worth it

[maddogmj77]

Just try to write it, I know its hard but just try to get what ever your feeling out on paper then read what you wrote and re write it so it makes a bit more sense to another person/make sure that's what your feeling. I know is hard gettin help but it's so worth it

I'm tired of him trying to talk to me, I really need to make sure he doesn't, I can't deal with it. I'm never gonna talk to anybody, I don't like anybody talking to me, I'm never gonna get help, why should I try?

[xXoblivionXx]

I'm tired of him trying to talk to me, I really need to make sure he doesn't, I can't deal with it. I'm never gonna talk to anybody, I don't like anybody talking to me, I'm never gonna get help, why should I try?

Matthew please don't think like that! You can get help, please you can. I'm sorry for such a late reply my internet crashed. We have little control in Wha happens sometimes but the best you can do is try, so please don't stop tryin. You don't want to talk to an adult fine, but you can talk to me, you can talk to Seth, or anyone on Vt. We care a lot about you hun :hug3:

[Jack russell dad]

I'm tired of him trying to talk to me, I really need to make sure he doesn't, I can't deal with it. I'm never gonna talk to anybody, I don't like anybody talking to me, I'm never gonna get help, why should I try?

Message me as soon as possible babe. Please? Im worried sick about you:(

[Jack russell dad]

I'm tired of him trying to talk to me, I really need to make sure he doesn't, I can't deal with it. I'm never gonna talk to anybody, I don't like anybody talking to me, I'm never gonna get help, why should I try?

Babe, contact me as soon as possible. I love you babe.

[CrazyPerson101]

Matthew, please get online. Pm me if you will and tell me what's wrong , I'd love to help but I can't without knowing what to do

[maddogmj77]

Hey, sorry I haven't updated in a while. I just haven't felt like it all. I'm struggling to write this cause really, I just don't care anymore. Back down to 0 days. I'm not even gonna try anymore.

[maddogmj77]

UGH!!!! I have to go to bed. My dad is gonna take my stuff, I'll try to keep my phone but he might take that too. I know that I'm gonna end up staying up all night and hurting myself. Then I'm gonna wake up at like 3pm tomorrow and do absolutely nothing. I HATE THIS!!!!

[Jack russell dad]

UGH!!!! I have to go to bed. My dad is gonna take my stuff, I'll try to keep my phone but he might take that too. I know that I'm gonna end up staying up all night and hurting myself. Then I'm gonna wake up at like 3pm tomorrow and do absolutely nothing. I HATE THIS!!!!

Hey babe, please don't lose your phone. Just, you seemed so happy last night:( you should of messaged me, I know you did, but I was asleep. Fuck me:( just, message me as soon as possible. I love you baby, im here. Just message me asap. I love you <3

[maddogmj77]

I messaged Seth just now incase anyone was wondering. I fell asleep at 5am and woke up at 10am, I'm trying to get back into a normal sleeping schedule. My friends came over last night, we were gonna go to a store yesterday but it never happened :( but we did play MtG for about an hour or so. I barely made it up to 1 day free before going back down to 0. I also made cinnamon rolls last night, YAY, lol :P

[Jack russell dad]

I messaged Seth just now incase anyone was wondering. I fell asleep at 5am and woke up at 10am, I'm trying to get back into a normal sleeping schedule. My friends came over last night, we were gonna go to a store yesterday but it never happened :( but we did play MtG for about an hour or so. I barely made it up to 1 day free before going back down to 0. I also made cinnamon rolls last night, YAY, lol :P

You cook to? I love to cook. I will never let you go hungry baby:)

[maddogmj77]

You cook to? I love to cook. I will never let you go hungry baby:)

OMG :wub: :D thanks, lol :heart:

[Jack russell dad]

OMG :wub: :D thanks, lol :heart:

I love you so much:*

[maddogmj77]

I love you so much:*

Love you too :P Just PM me, lol :>_>:

I found a thing and I went with it, DINOSAURS!!!
Open the door, get on the floor, EVERYBODY DO THE DINOSAUR! ~Markiplier

[maddogmj77]

OH MY GOD!!!! That was probably one of the most anxiety inducing things I've ever done. My friend Hector sent me a picture of Austin posing on a rock, and I just responded with "cute", just as a joke cause he doesn't know about my sexuality, but he really was cute, lol. Anyways he asked me if he could trust me, I said "what with?" He said "with a secret", so I said "sure". He then said that he had been feeling like he was gay, and that his mom said it was just a phase. I told him it would be alright, even if it wasn't a phase. I then said I had something to tell him if he wouldn't tell anybody, and I told him I was bi. He said that actually made him really happy, and I told him that I know exactly how he feels. He said he was feeling really scared cause I was one of the first people he told. So, after a couple of other messages and jokes, he said goodnight, and I said he could message me anytime he wants. He hasn't really talked to me since school has gotten out, and he said he told me cause he didn't really know me well. In school he did kinda act gay, I thought jokingly. Which I do too to my friends, even though they know I'm bi. So, that made me really really really scared, I need a way to calm down, maybe someone can help me? My boyfriend literally JUST went to bed as Hector messaged me.

[xXoblivionXx]

So what exactly made you feel scared... that you act gay at school?

[maddogmj77]

So what exactly made you feel scared... that you act gay at school?

No, the whole conversation of him coming out as gay and me coming out as bi. I only act sorta gay at school, just as a joke sometimes around my friends.

[xXoblivionXx]

No, the whole conversation of him coming out as gay and me coming out as bi. I only act sorta gay at school, just as a joke sometimes around my friends.

Oh, okay. Do you think to can trust him? Maybe that's why your feeling anxious. I think you can because you both came out to each other.

[Living For Love]

OH MY GOD!!!! That was probably one of the most anxiety inducing things I've ever done. My friend Hector sent me a picture of Austin posing on a rock, and I just responded with "cute", just as a joke cause he doesn't know about my sexuality, but he really was cute, lol. Anyways he asked me if he could trust me, I said "what with?" He said "with a secret", so I said "sure". He then said that he had been feeling like he was gay, and that his mom said it was just a phase. I told him it would be alright, even if it wasn't a phase. I then said I had something to tell him if he wouldn't tell anybody, and I told him I was bi. He said that actually made him really happy, and I told him that I know exactly how he feels. He said he was feeling really scared cause I was one of the first people he told. So, after a couple of other messages and jokes, he said goodnight, and I said he could message me anytime he wants. He hasn't really talked to me since school has gotten out, and he said he told me cause he didn't really know me well. In school he did kinda act gay, I thought jokingly. Which I do too to my friends, even though they know I'm bi. So, that made me really really really scared, I need a way to calm down, maybe someone can help me? My boyfriend literally JUST went to bed as Hector messaged me.

I think it's normal if you feel anxious, but he trusted you, that's obviously a good sign. He might be feeling as anxious as you because of the coming out thing, but maybe you two just need to help out each other in the whole process, whenever you need help. You're gonna be fine, he seems a good friend.

[maddogmj77]

Oh, okay. Do you think to can trust him? Maybe that's why your feeling anxious. I think you can because you both came out to each other.
Yes, I can. But I'm not anxious about that. I'm just anxious about talking about this. But, I'm "kinda" better now, still nervous for no reason.

I think it's normal if you feel anxious, but he trusted you, that's obviously a good sign. He might be feeling as anxious as you because of the coming out thing, but maybe you two just need to help out each other in the whole process, whenever you need help. You're gonna be fine, he seems a good friend.

I know that he is anxious too, he is a good friend. But, I've kinda already told most of the people I want.

[maddogmj77]

My friend sent me a message about 2-3 days ago telling me to unfriend him on Facebook and don't text his number. He never gave me a reason why, but said he would tell me if he could ever text me again. I think someone might have found out about our conversation. But, honestly, I have no idea :(

I woke up about 1:45PM yesterday and went to a MTG tournament with my 2 friends and lost every game 2-0. Still fun though. I haven't slept since then. One of my friends spent the night but then had to leave at like 3am because of something to do with his sister. My dad woke up at about 3:30 telling me he is just gonna take all my stuff when he goes to bed from now on. So, I don't know what I'm going to do to keep myself from hurting myself anymore :'( . I don't think I'm gonna go to sleep at all, just get some soda and Mini-wheats to stay awake. Probably be awake for maybe 30 hours or so before I fall asleep. If I fall asleep I'm just gonna be mad at myself for wasting so much time cause I probably won't wake up until like my dad gets home to wake me up, so about 6pm. So, I guess I'll just stay awake as long as possible, try to wait until maybe 10pm today and then just crash.

I think I'll just give up on the letter, I CAN'T talk to people. I'm so shy, and scared, and anti-social, and I'd honestly enjoy living alone for the rest of my life. :cry2:

If any of this is messed up, it's cause I'm pretty tired, I've only been awake for about 16 hours, but when it's night time I get tired, pretty sure that's human instinct.

[maddogmj77]

It's now 1:10am. I've been awake for 36 hours with only a 3 hour nap. I still don't feel that tired at all. I would start playing Fallout on my computer but I need to save the battery cause I left the charger in my dad's room.

[maddogmj77]

Trying to get another Xbox 1, hopefully be tomorrow, will update.

[xXoblivionXx]

Trying to get another Xbox 1, hopefully be tomorrow, will update.

Cause 2 is better than one :P how've you been Matt?

[maddogmj77]

Cause 2 is better than one :P how've you been Matt?

Really good, I just got my Xbox 1 and my dad got a new car. But what sucks is that I CAN feel happy, but I know eventually it's gonna stop and I'm gonna feel like crap for no reason at all.

[xXoblivionXx]

Really good, I just got my Xbox 1 and my dad got a new car. But what sucks is that I CAN feel happy, but I know eventually it's gonna stop and I'm gonna feel like crap for no reason at all.

Well I'm glad your happy now, dont waste time thinking about being sad again, enjoy it and when it's gone remember that it will come again

[CrazyPerson101]

Really good, I just got my Xbox 1 and my dad got a new car. But what sucks is that I CAN feel happy, but I know eventually it's gonna stop and I'm gonna feel like crap for no reason at all.


Hey, Congrats for the both of you and try not to think about it eventually stopping and focus on being happy now & that way you can enjoy your happiness now and not feel like crap during it.

[maddogmj77]

My dad's old girlfriends "Stephanie" just moved in with us with her daughter "Jordan". They knew each other from 2 years ago but she moved to Alaska. I really don't like them being here, cause I just don't :( But right now they are all gone and it's just me alone at the house. listening to heavy MArilyn MAnson songs at 100 volume is AWESOME!!!

UPDATE: Stephanie & Jordan just got back, I now have NOTHING to do. :cry:

[maddogmj77]

Ugh, they go everywhere with us, even when they have ABSOLUTELY no purpose. Like, we went to Gamestop, and they went with us. It took us like a half-hour to figure out some problems with our account. During that, Stephanie asked me a couple questions about games and systems, and she was so ANNOYING!!! I don't like talking to people, so, whenever I do answer her, she can barely hear what I say. I am no longer able to be alone, and can no longer to listen to loud music. I never realized how much I LOVED being alone, until I couldn't be alone anymore. I'm also giving up on the letter, cause I don't want them to get involved. Back to suffering in silence, yay. :cry2:

[Jack russell dad]

Ugh, they go everywhere with us, even when they have ABSOLUTELY no purpose. Like, we went to Gamestop, and they went with us. It took us like a half-hour to figure out some problems with our account. During that, Stephanie asked me a couple questions about games and systems, and she was so ANNOYING!!! I don't like talking to people, so, whenever I do answer her, she can barely hear what I say. I am no longer able to be alone, and can no longer to listen to loud music. I never realized how much I LOVED being alone, until I couldn't be alone anymore. I'm also giving up on the letter, cause I don't want them to get involved. Back to suffering in silence, yay. :cry2:

Its ok sweety, you'll always have me, no matter what. we'll get you help baby, i promise

[maddogmj77]

My dad is now taking all my things when he goes to sleep. But I still stay awake for a really long time, and wake up late.
Also, I cut again last night, went from 19 days to 0 :(

[maddogmj77]

I woke up at about 7 am today for no reason, even though I wanted to wake up at 10. I couldn't go back to sleep, so I just stayed up. Not even trying anymore, barely made it to 1 day, and down to 0

[maddogmj77]

It's like 8:30am, and I haven't slept at all, not tired either :(

[Jack russell dad]

It's like 8:30am, and I haven't slept at all, not tired either :(

God im such a dumb fuck face. It wasnt all your fault. All mine. im a fucking attention hog. Im so sorry. All i did was cause extra pain in your life. Im so sorry matt. Im so so sorry:'(

[xXoblivionXx]

It's going to be okay guys, it really is. You just have to have some hope

[maddogmj77]

cut a couple times the last 2 nights. My brother just came and got his stuff from our house. My dad tried to get me to say hi to him, but I just stared at the computer screen, pretending to do stuff, not saying a word. I don't even wanna see him anymore, I just want him to leave :( I think he's gonna live at my mom's house but I'm not sure.

[maddogmj77]

Had to go to dinner today with everybody. Jordan keeps randomly going in my room for NO fucking reason, playing with the cat and I know it doesn't sound that bad, but that makes me panic and assume the absolute worse, especially since I have about $75 worth of MtG cards on my counter. Also, I don't like people touching my stuff. My sleeping cycle is still crap, I got to sleep around 4am, wake up around noon, still tired, and forced out of bed. Also, Feeling like cutting right now :(

[maddogmj77]

My dad wants me to go to bed by 2 AM and wake up by 12PM, or he'll start taking my stuff. But the problem is, I've only been awake for 9 hours, and it's 2AM, i'm not tired at ALL!!!! I don't know what to do. :(

[Living For Love]

My dad wants me to go to bed by 2 AM and wake up by 12PM, or he'll start taking my stuff. But the problem is, I've only been awake for 9 hours, and it's 2AM, i'm not tired at ALL!!!! I don't know what to do. :(

Try to listen to songs that make you sleepy, I do it sometimes and it usually helps. I honestly think you should try organise your sleeping routine, because having good hours of sleep is really important for your health, especially now, with all those issues with your brother and parents. You need to make sure you let your body and mind have proper rest, and after a good sleep, you'll notice you'll wake up with a better mood and more energetic.

[maddogmj77]

he's gonna take away everything today, at 2am, so I can't do that.
I was only awake for 12 hours, but I slept for 12 fucking hours. 5pm, 5am, 5pm
I wasn't even awake that fucking long, and I CAN'T WAKE UP!!! WTF?!?!?!

[maddogmj77]

Alright, so a couple days ago my dad allowed me to stay awake all night, and then fall asleep the next night. It worked, because the next night, I went to sleep at 2 and woke up at 9. So, I'm gonna TRY to not ruin it, but it's SO hard, when I'm just not tired sometimes.

[maddogmj77]

It's 4:17AM and I'm not asleep, I think I'm gonna ruin everything again, but I just don't wanna sleep :(

[maddogmj77]

I did fuck everything up. I went to sleep around 6AM, and I don't remember what time I woke up, but I awoke to my dad taking all my stuff and putting my stuff in the safe. I decided to just go back to sleep since there was nothing to do. I faded in and out of sleep until about 10PM when I asked my dad what was for dinner, he said it, and I didn't like it so I said, "whatever" and threw the blanket over my head. I don't remember the exact conversation, but it ended i me telling him to go away, and then he went up to my headboard, and took 4 of my MtG deck boxes and a big stack of about 200 brand new individual cards. On the way to his room, he dropped my boxes FOUR TIMES!!! I got really mad cause he didn't even have a reason for taking them, cause I wasn't using them, he just wanted to make me mad. So, I tried to take them back, and he kept on pushing and shoving me back. Eventually he pushed me back to my bed and pushed me onto my bed. I got up and he was standing in my doorway, not even letting me leave my room now. So, I just rammed him, pushed through, and walked to the kitchen (opposite of my dad's room), he followed me and just watched me while I looked for dinner. I didn't see anything, so I went back to the couch, laid down and told him there's nothing to eat. He warmed up rice, and a hamburger patty, told me my dinner was in the microwave, and went back to his room. I went it, threw away the patty, ate the rice and a couple of pineapple slices, and went back to bed. I kept going in and out of sleep until I saw light through my window, so I knew it was morning. I got up, saw it was about 6AM, and woke up my dad and asked for my stuff. He only gave my my laptop, and kept the cards, xbox, and tv cords. I asked him for the cards, because those were the only things that I wanted and he said I'm not allowed to have them, "because of the way you acted last night". And that I would have to wait until tomorrow to get them. My friend messaged me on Facebook, asking me how to play magic, I told him to come over, and I made a couple of changes to his deck, and I played with a deck I had that was out of his box and he didn't take. We played once, then I made pancakes and bacon. Then he had to leave, so I got back on my computer and here I am. Basically my dad is being a dick, trying to make me mad, and getting mad at me "for the way I act". Also, he punishes me for not going to sleep when he wants, and not waking up when he wants, even though he doesn't have a reason, and I don't do anything except play games when I'm awake