sliidz
May 13th, 2014, 09:55 AM
This is fact: Everything in my life is wrong.
There is no debate in this nor no hope for changing this view. However, I created a world in which I live in separated from all others to hide my feelings and to ignore the much needed help. I grew up as a follower and preferred to work alone all my life. I'm 19 currently turning 20, and have all these great ideas but can't take one step forward to achieving the simplest of them. I have hoped and dreamed to be successful, but currently I'd rather die then continue life trying to become successful because the chances of that are slim to none.
My biggest problem is I am afraid to be alone, yet I put my self in these situations where I am alone, this fear drives me into insanity, wanting to do the worst to everyone and everything. This mixed with my depression, anxiety, bi-polar disorder, and procrastination; also not to forget to mention my sick and twisted thoughts and transgender issues, makes me helpless... I have yet to find a job because I am anti-social, so I live with my mother (Never met my father) with no job only watching my brother and sister while my step father sits in jail for another 2 months or so (been in since December 18th). I don't even have my permit and have no motivation to try to be successful anymore. Or even try to live my life. I've talked to countless therapists, specialists, doctors, this and that and those. Still here.
Perhaps one of the most prominent issues currently is the transgender issues I'm having, reason being is because how can I live my life, and know what I want to do if I don't even know who I am yet. And that's to describe to any professional, not only am I not confident in my ability to talk about such things, my family who I love and trust, look down on this idea of possibly starting female hormones as this is just a "Phase in life" as if I could get over something that has had me thinking since I was 13 non stop everyday. I dream of being female but not in the sense to those questions of "What would you do if you were a female for one day" I want to become female as looking at myself as someone I can respect and love.
I know for a fact that if I walk into this with no support, I will be torn the line of not when will I kill myself but how will I. And I can get 5 million people to support me online, my family is the type of stubbornness that they stick to there black and white lives.
Should I walk in to a death trap to attempt to live my dream? Or continue to be this fake thing that has no desire to live anyways. I mean I look at my life and the best time I had was high school, because I had people there, now I force myself to be stuck at home. I'm afraid to leave the house for no reason, and have no interest in pursuing life currently. There is one goal I have, and its to find someone I can be with, I've never been with someone and I know or think I know I would invest all my time in them, at the time of 3 years ago or so I KNEW I was straight, yeah no I prefer to be pansexual or omnisexual.
At this point, right now. I have no desire to continue life, yet have no way of ending it because I am to afraid to... I don't involving people in my problems, but, I need help soon. Real soon.
There is no debate in this nor no hope for changing this view. However, I created a world in which I live in separated from all others to hide my feelings and to ignore the much needed help. I grew up as a follower and preferred to work alone all my life. I'm 19 currently turning 20, and have all these great ideas but can't take one step forward to achieving the simplest of them. I have hoped and dreamed to be successful, but currently I'd rather die then continue life trying to become successful because the chances of that are slim to none.
My biggest problem is I am afraid to be alone, yet I put my self in these situations where I am alone, this fear drives me into insanity, wanting to do the worst to everyone and everything. This mixed with my depression, anxiety, bi-polar disorder, and procrastination; also not to forget to mention my sick and twisted thoughts and transgender issues, makes me helpless... I have yet to find a job because I am anti-social, so I live with my mother (Never met my father) with no job only watching my brother and sister while my step father sits in jail for another 2 months or so (been in since December 18th). I don't even have my permit and have no motivation to try to be successful anymore. Or even try to live my life. I've talked to countless therapists, specialists, doctors, this and that and those. Still here.
Perhaps one of the most prominent issues currently is the transgender issues I'm having, reason being is because how can I live my life, and know what I want to do if I don't even know who I am yet. And that's to describe to any professional, not only am I not confident in my ability to talk about such things, my family who I love and trust, look down on this idea of possibly starting female hormones as this is just a "Phase in life" as if I could get over something that has had me thinking since I was 13 non stop everyday. I dream of being female but not in the sense to those questions of "What would you do if you were a female for one day" I want to become female as looking at myself as someone I can respect and love.
I know for a fact that if I walk into this with no support, I will be torn the line of not when will I kill myself but how will I. And I can get 5 million people to support me online, my family is the type of stubbornness that they stick to there black and white lives.
Should I walk in to a death trap to attempt to live my dream? Or continue to be this fake thing that has no desire to live anyways. I mean I look at my life and the best time I had was high school, because I had people there, now I force myself to be stuck at home. I'm afraid to leave the house for no reason, and have no interest in pursuing life currently. There is one goal I have, and its to find someone I can be with, I've never been with someone and I know or think I know I would invest all my time in them, at the time of 3 years ago or so I KNEW I was straight, yeah no I prefer to be pansexual or omnisexual.
At this point, right now. I have no desire to continue life, yet have no way of ending it because I am to afraid to... I don't involving people in my problems, but, I need help soon. Real soon.