How to regain her trust?

[Jerry17]

This girl (Let's call her Jessica) and I are in high school where I'm a junior and she's a freshman. We ride the same bus and stay a few streets away from each other. We have had a complicated situation for almost 8 months. At the start, she was always giving me mixed signals as she always stared at me and did things to catch my attention. I told her I liked her, but she told me she had a boyfriend. He actually goes to another school. He threatened me once after I tried to ask Jessica about the mixed signals so me and her stopped talking. But eventually, we started back talking. Then people started asking me if her and I go out and her sister even told me Jessica likes me. I asked her about it, but she told me that she doesn't see me as a boyfriend.

Though we started to get closer, I began to get jealous that she was talking to her friends at school, but not me. And then she was giving more attention to her boyfriend so I was jealous and felt unimportant to her. One time, I tried to get her jealous by telling her that my friends don't want me involved with her(actually the truth) and she became really angry with me so we stopped talking. I sent several messages and one that included a screenshot of our messages showing her getting mad at me. I sent it accidentally, trying to send it to my friend because they wanted to know what happened. So, a month later, on my birthday, she stared at me the whole day, but didn't say anything. So I messaged her, but she ended up telling me to move on.

Soon enough, we started messaging again after I decided that I still wanted to be friends with her and she agreed; However, I still felt jealous. I ended up telling her how I felt about everything and she told me she doesn't care about it anymore and doesn't see me that way. And I believe her and her boyfriend just broke up when it almost hit a year. I just want to be friends with her, but I always get jealous if she stops messaging me, thinking she is messaging someone better. I cut off all contact (Kik, Instagram) with her. My friends are starting to tell me that they think that I was her side or she was playing me because she already had a boyfriend.

On her birthday, many people told her happy birthday and gave her hugs so I didn't feel any way important to her. And when she hugged this guy, it seemed like one of those hugs you don't want and she was looking at me as she was hugging him. I messaged her later after discovering that she had a bad birthday and we started messaging again. The conversation actually seemed to be going good, so I followed her on Instagram again. But a few mins later, she again stopped responding. Then after a while, I realized she followed me back. So I don't know if she got mad because of that or just didn't want to talk.

I think Jessica doesn't trust me anymore because we were so close that we were having deep conversations about my life and her life. I screenshot our conversation of when she got mad and accidentally sent it to her. And I told her I didn't mean to send it to her. So she knew I meant to send it to someone else. So I'm thinking she felt like I was telling everything we talk about and that's why she's now distant and doesn't hold a conversation that long. She doesn't even give me an answer if I know she has had a bad day and I ask her what's wrong. She was actually very nice to me. We always texted after we got home from school. But as soon as I broke her trust, she's never let me get close to her like that again.

I don't want to get into hot water with her because she knows alot of people and I feel like I'm being a fool for trying to be friends with her again when I really don't think she wants to be friends. I'm tired of the back and forth of our friendship. I feel like I'm giving 85 % and she's giving 15%. And sometimes it seems like she wants attention. When we text, she seems nice. But at school, she acts like a whole different person. It makes me question if we were ever really friends.

What do you guys think?

[Cognizant]

Honestly bud, it seems like she's too unstable to really be a good friend. My therapist once gave me a really good comparison for this situation.

Imagine a slinky - it will represent the "relationship line" between you two. One side is you, and the other side is Jessica. While you want to keep yourself happy, you're trying to take care of jessica as well. Normally I would say that's fine, but it's not okay because she isn't giving compassion back to you.

In other words, I personally think she just isn't worth the effort. I've dated people like this - you can put all your time and energy into trying to change them and making them love you back, but it's never really happened for me. It's up to you if you want to continue trying to improve the relationship, but honestly, i don't see why you should continue to bother if she's going to keep treating you like shit.

[BuryYourFlame]

I agree with the last person. I can't see you two functioning together at all (in the next few years) because it all just seems too complicated at the moment and there's too much history there. My advice would be just to give it a few years, I know it seems like ages but it will give you time to meet other people and see if you really do want her and it clear the air. Start fresh again a few years down the track and see how things turn out.

[Jerry17]

Honestly bud, it seems like she's too unstable to really be a good friend. My therapist once gave me a really good comparison for this situation.

Imagine a slinky - it will represent the "relationship line" between you two. One side is you, and the other side is Jessica. While you want to keep yourself happy, you're trying to take care of jessica as well. Normally I would say that's fine, but it's not okay because she isn't giving compassion back to you.

In other words, I personally think she just isn't worth the effort. I've dated people like this - you can put all your time and energy into trying to change them and making them love you back, but it's never really happened for me. It's up to you if you want to continue trying to improve the relationship, but honestly, i don't see why you should continue to bother if she's going to keep treating you like shit.

I agree with the last person. I can't see you two functioning together at all (in the next few years) because it all just seems too complicated at the moment and there's too much history there. My advice would be just to give it a few years, I know it seems like ages but it will give you time to meet other people and see if you really do want her and it clear the air. Start fresh again a few years down the track and see how things turn out.

I know I should continue to try to move on, but I can't help but feel like I lost a great friend and potential girlfriend. From what I have heard, she, her sister, and her friends still talk about me on our bus and in school so that must mean that she has some sort of feelings for me for her to still talk about me. This all started back in September so why is she still talking about me? My closest friend (let's call her Debra) who knows everything about this situation believes Jessica has feelings for me but doesn't want people to know. I know this is a complicated situation, but I feel like I can resolve this in some way.

[Cognizant]

I know I should continue to try to move on, but I can't help but feel like I lost a great friend and potential girlfriend. From what I have heard, she, her sister, and her friends still talk about me on our bus and in school so that must mean that she has some sort of feelings for me for her to still talk about me. This all started back in September so why is she still talking about me? My closest friend (let's call her Debra) who knows everything about this situation believes Jessica has feelings for me but doesn't want people to know. I know this is a complicated situation, but I feel like I can resolve this in some way.

I get what you're saying. By all means, if you want to try to fix things with her, go ahead and be direct about it. Im just saying that her hurting you seems to be a pattern, and you are not at all obligated to date her if you don't want to.

When I was (then) dating my ex who was very similar in behavior to Jessica, I was spending a lot of my time and energy into just trying to get him to like me. After about 6 major arguments or moments where he would grow distant and then come back, I eventually realized it just really isn't worth my time or effort to try to change the cycle.

All im saying is that if you're tired of this pattern, you can definitely try to make her open her eyes, but it might not work. And if it doesn't work, there's plenty more fish in the sea :)

[hood]

Forgive me for saying this, but you're pathetic... You've left your dignity to be destroyed by her. She played with you, she made you her toy and you fell for it. I understand that she was encouraging you with her behaviour but after two or three times of a rejection you should've stopped. After all she has done i would have already ceased any contact with her.

[Jerry17]

I get what you're saying. By all means, if you want to try to fix things with her, go ahead and be direct about it. Im just saying that her hurting you seems to be a pattern, and you are not at all obligated to date her if you don't want to.

When I was (then) dating my ex who was very similar in behavior to Jessica, I was spending a lot of my time and energy into just trying to get him to like me. After about 6 major arguments or moments where he would grow distant and then come back, I eventually realized it just really isn't worth my time or effort to try to change the cycle.

All im saying is that if you're tired of this pattern, you can definitely try to make her open her eyes, but it might not work. And if it doesn't work, there's plenty more fish in the sea :)

Forgive me for saying this, but you're pathetic... You've left your dignity to be destroyed by her. She played with you, she made you her toy and you fell for it. I understand that she was encouraging you with her behaviour but after two or three times of a rejection you should've stopped. After all she has done i would have already ceased any contact with her.

I completely understand what you're saying. I just can't seem to understand the concept of why she would do something like this. I could've been the person she could depend on. Honestly, when her and I started talking, I changed for the better. I wanted to be a better person not just for myself, but for her as well. My life seemed to get better. I fell in love with her. And it's hard to accept that she would play me like this.

[Camazotz]

I completely understand what you're saying. I just can't seem to understand the concept of why she would do something like this. I could've been the person she could depend on. Honestly, when her and I started talking, I changed for the better. I wanted to be a better person not just for myself, but for her as well. My life seemed to get better. I fell in love with her. And it's hard to accept that she would play me like this.

She's young and immature. She doesn't know what she's done to you, and it sounds like she doesn't even care. I know it's tough, but time will heal your wounds, and just ignoring her will be the best way to get over her. There will be other girls, better girls, in your future that will care for you back and won't treat you so badly.

[Jerry17]

She's young and immature. She doesn't know what she's done to you, and it sounds like she doesn't even care. I know it's tough, but time will heal your wounds, and just ignoring her will be the best way to get over her. There will be other girls, better girls, in your future that will care for you back and won't treat you so badly.

Hopefully, I can fully move on. All of the other times I've tried to move on, I couldn't because everyone at school would tell me something about Jessica and the situation that I never knew about. But since summer is within a week, I can finally escape them. But my friend once said she had a dream that her, Jessica, and I were somewhere where Jessica told my friend that she will get with me in the summer. And my friend has a weird thing where many of her dreams come true.