I want out.

[strongheart]

I want to wake up and not have the weight on my shoulders, not feel bad and worry about what people think of me and how they judge me. I want to have smiles come on my face naturally not after thinking about it for hours. I want to not have stomach aches and feel so sick I could just never get up. Be so tired that no hours of sleep could help. Feel unsatisfied all the time and not enjoy anything. Suck at everything and try as hard as I might to do my homework well but end up crying instead. I want to not have scars on my body and to think about who would be sad if I died or what would happen to my parents. To stop worrying about why my parent's didn't get a divorce when they don't love each other but hate each other. I want to not have so much pain. I want to have fun with my friends and enjoy life instead of counting the hours until I can go to sleep. My life is so worthless, I only do things for everyone else and what benefit do I get. I get to feel all the pain and bad feelings all the time. And worst of all, I feel so lonely because no one seems to care or help me. I want out of this horrible dark cycle of pain.

[sophies_justice]

i understand the place that you're at right now, because i'm in this place too. it sucks to have to pretend and fake being something that you aren't and don't want to be. you want everyone to know how bad you are feeling so that someone, anyone can help you find a way out. and that's what we are here for at VT. we are all in, or have been in this samw dark place, and we all want to help you out. to make you see that you're life isn't worthless. life is so, so hard sometimes and lots of those times it seems pointless to go on. but eventually there is a way out of that tunnel of darkness and depression and self loathing. it takes a long time and hard work and determination to find that way out, but it's there. and as long as there is a possibility that things will get better, why give up. why not try and help yourself get there faster? life may not seem worth living right now, but some day it will be.

do you have any close friends that you talk to about any of this? for me i have my therapist and my priest but sometimes that isn't enough, so i come on here and draw encouragement and confidence from others on here. makes me feel better. so if you don't have any close friends, or a therapist or anyone else to talk to about any of this, then keep posting, we're here to listen and help. and we want to do it. we have all been helped by someone on this site. we want to return the favor.

just know that i want to see you beat this. as i said before, i'm trying to beat this too. it's hard, and if you ever need to talk, i'm here. good luck, stay strong! :)

[strongheart]

Thank you very much for you words of wisdom. Sometimes it feels like i'm so alone and when I stumbled across VT it seemed like something that could help.

I do have two therapists that I currently talk to and they only sometimes help. Sometimes they feel worthless and like a waste of time.

I really appreciate you being here. i'll try my best to help myself.

[sophies_justice]

you're definitly not alone. i'm here for you, and so is everyone here on VT. if you don't think that your therapists are helping you as much as they could, see if you could switch to another one. i know with me it took awhile to find one i could click with. it takes time finding one that you feel like you can talk to. or if you don't feel like switching, just try telling them how you feel. that you need to talk about everything and deal with it. maybe they're just waiting for you to be ready.

don't worry, you can do this!! keep your head up!