I wonder

[strongheart]

I remember the day I started cutting. And I remember all the days after that that I cut. I remember that I felt powerful and that when I moved and felt the pain it was good. Not to say I was happy, but the pain just seemed to fit me. Like I didn't deserve to not feel pain. I know this isn't healthy but in some ways it's like I don't even want to stop cutting. Is there a point where you are just too depressed that it's easier to continue feeling pain than to get help or feel better? Sometimes I just want to feel bad instead of good. I feel like maybe it's my fault I'm depressed and that I'm cutting. And in some ways it is because I choose to cut day after day. But I'd rather blame someone else because I'm tired of blaming myself. Surely it's not my fault I'm depressed.

[electric7rocker]

i feel that way a lot... i wonder the same thing.

[Crystal-Clear]

I believe that everyone reaches a point, when you feel so low, that you just don't give a damn anymore. Everyones been there. People forget one thing - When you hit rock bottom, you still have the support of the rocks.

No one is to blame for your depression, people are to blame if they make you feel bad or upset. And also remember it's not your fault how you feel, you can't help how you feel.

Perhaps you feel the need for the pain for a reason? Perhaps to feel you need to be punished, so deserve the pain? Or maybe you just need to remind yourself that your alive?
Ask yourself WHY you need the pain, and take things from there.

We all have strong memorys of things that have happened to us, cutting included. Its because within your brain, you are more likely to remember something if its extremely emotional for you mentally. Thats probably why you can remember cutting so well, because your emotions are at a peak.

I don't really know what else to say, other than stay as safe as possible, look at what makes you cut, and maybe deal with that particular problem. Maybe look at a way of cutting down on cutting (bit of an odd expression), that way you won't be hurting yourself too much.

Look after yourself, we're all here for you =)