I am a monster

[Harizu]

Sometimes I feel like I am a monster. I think things that I shouldn't be thinking, I feel content for things that I shouldn't be content for and I like horrible things.
The weird thing is that other times bad things make me freak out and die. For example, reading about tortures has never had any effect on me. But when I hear on TV about tortures I feel really sad, scared and I start crying. And I also feel like a monster for not being affected by what I had read before.
This is happening to me a lot lately. Today I was reading a story and (I'm not gonna write the details) I started crying because I felt like an horrible person. My mother heard me and I told her why I was crying and I think she is still worried now even if she says she's not.
Why am I so split into these two halves? I often feel guilty for what I have felt, I fear I am evil. I do not want to be evil. Am I evil?

[RavleIncarnate]

Sometimes I feel like I am a monster. I think things that I shouldn't be thinking, I feel content for things that I shouldn't be content for and I like horrible things.
The weird thing is that other times bad things make me freak out and die. For example, reading about tortures has never had any effect on me. But when I hear on TV about tortures I feel really sad, scared and I start crying. And I also feel like a monster for not being affected by what I had read before.
This is happening to me a lot lately. Today I was reading a story and (I'm not gonna write the details) I started crying because I felt like an horrible person. My mother heard me and I told her why I was crying and I think she is still worried now even if she says she's not.
Why am I so split into these two halves? I often feel guilty for what I have felt, I fear I am evil. I do not want to be evil. Am I evil?

Considering the things I've read about, seen, and heard about, and how insensitive I am to them, if that makes you evil, I'm a demon.:metal::eek: There are much worse things than you in the world, but if you ever wanted to confide or vent or ANYTHING, PM me or VM me or something. Please, and if you don't want me to tell someone, just say so and NOBODY will find out, except if yoy say your responsible for the fact that my phone won't download my Neon Genesis Evangelion episodes anymore, or if you're a mass-murderer. It is most likely just hormones screwing up your thoughts and mindset.

[Hyper]

This is normal unless you are having obsessive thoughts, such as fascination, dreaming about doing it or being a victim and alike, about whatever ''wrong'' things you are reading about it

If you do have obsessive thoughts than you need to seek professional help.

If not then just try not to engage in the behaivour that causes you feelings of guilt later on.

[The Trendy Wolf]

Why am I so split into these two halves? I often feel guilty for what I have felt, I fear I am evil. I do not want to be evil. Am I evil?

There is no such thing as "evil" no matter what you may believe in. You think what you think for a logical reason, and it is beyond your control what you think about or feel. You should consider seeing a professional about this issue in order to find the cause if you are truly concerned.

[Karkat]

It doesn't sound inherently like there's anything wrong with you, at least not as a person. :) You're not evil, or a monster.

However, obsessive/repetitive violent thoughts, especially ones that scare you, might be something you want to look into professional help for.

[Harizu]

This is normal unless you are having obsessive thoughts, such as fascination, dreaming about doing it or being a victim and alike, about whatever ''wrong'' things you are reading about it

However, obsessive/repetitive violent thoughts, especially ones that scare you, might be something you

This is exactly my problem. They're obsessive thoughts.

[darkangel91]

Can you explain more precisely? I have occasional crazy, irrational urges, but it doesn't make me a monster! And even if you have a voice in your head telling you to kill people (in which case, get a psychiatrist, fast) then you're still not a monster - mental illness is nobody's fault. There's no such thing as a monster, really. Don't blame yourself for something that is not your fault.

[plebble]

No you probably shouldn't worry about it unless your thoughts become real... I have exactly the same problem. I sometimes feel like if I had the power, I'd do terrible things, but I also know I'd never do such stuff. I'm nice and 'evil' at the same time and it's so confusing.

[Karkat]

This is exactly my problem. They're obsessive thoughts.

That means they're probably anxiety or OCD related- maybe even trauma-related. I'd suggest seeing a therapist of some sort, as they can help you get to the bottom of why they are happening, and what you can do to help yourself. No one should have to go through struggles like these.

No you probably shouldn't worry about it unless your thoughts become real... I have exactly the same problem. I sometimes feel like if I had the power, I'd do terrible things, but I also know I'd never do such stuff. I'm nice and 'evil' at the same time and it's so confusing.

I think everyone feels this way about themselves to some extent, especially those with mental illness like me. "Good" is kind of a deceptive quality, as is "bad", because morals are never black and white. It's all grey area, some matters just look closer to one side or the other, maybe even identical. You can even be a selfish person or a jerk, but have that nugget of good inside, hiding because you were hurt or never taught how to behave in a productive way. And so on.