I'm different... in a bad way

[xNumb]

Hi... Well I'm new here, and this is going to be my first post. English is not my first language, but I'll try my best expressing myself.

I'm a 16 years old guy from a small, poor country/town where I have lived all my life. Even since I was just a kid I had problems with integration, for some reason. I've always been very shy, and making friends was and is a hard task for me. For some reason, some people would always laugh at me and call me names and this made me close in myself.

Now, I am in high school, and it's even worse than it was before. I realised that I am very different, actually, everything about me is different - the way I think, the way I act, the way I feel... and that's why I don't have any friends at all. First, I am gay, and although I am ok with it, everyone and I mean absolutely everyone is against it, they hate it with all their hearth. Of course they don't know about it, but most of my class mates call me ''gay'', which is seen as a offense by most. I might be a bit ''girlish'', but I'm not ''fabulous'' at all. I am very kind, shy, and I care a lot about other people's feelings (but I hide this), and I also have different interests and hobbies (they are not necessarly girlish). Of course, I learnt to stand for myself when someone insults me and I insult them back, but I'm never mean for no reason. I think that the quality that define me is the way I think: I never judge by race, physical look, nationality, etc., and I can understand things in a different, profound way. I also stand for the minorities, as I hate discrimination.

The biggest problem is that I care too much about what others say, although I don't show it. And they always insult me, they even posted photos with me on facebook just for fun. I felt very sad when I saw that those images are even liked by some. I can't make any friends, because I think differently and this makes me weird. As I already said, I am very shy, and I'm afraid of failure. I think I have social anxiety, because, most of the time, I'm afraid of most situations that involve human interaction. The way I look is, by far, the main thing that makes me insecure about myself, and the fact that I will never be able to change it makes it even worse.

I never told this to anyone, I simply can't, I don't trust anybody, I keep the real me hidden and the person everyone else sees is mostly a mask. I don't have any person I could tell this, it is impossible... I'm at my worst right now, I lost my interest and determination and I think this is going to affect my future. What can I do to change myself, or, at least, to stop caring about what others say?

PS: I'm sorry this post is so long and I hope I picked the right category.

[Living For Love]

It's amazing the amount of people here who have the same issues. It definitely means we're not alone, and that's good.

I know your question is how you can stop caring about what others say, but let me just tell you something. No matter what you do, I guess people will still pick on you, because they're stupid, as simple as that. You also asked "What can I do to change myself?". You don't need to do anything, because you're perfectly fine. The way you dress, the way you think, the way you act, your points of view, the way you described yourself as a kind and caring person, you're just unique, and you need to be yourself in order to feel happy with yourself. Don't change only because others want you to change.

The problems you're going through are just a phase, something temporary, believe me. I've already been there and I know what I'm talking about. You said you had no friends, no one you can trust, you're feeling depressed and unmotivated, but that's going to change. Just think of it this way: set goals for yourself, set objectives, and no matter what, work in order to achieve them. You're in high school now, right? You probably want to continue your studies, but even if you don't want to, set a career path and work hard to achieve it, because your future will be better, better than this phase you're going through at them moment.

About your social anxiety, I think that will also change with time. We tend to isolate ourselves from other people when all that we hear are insults and rude names, and that's normal, but as soon as you change your social environment (different school, different work place, different university), you'll notice that you have one more chance to socialise with people again. If it works, fine. If it doesn't, you'll have other opportunities.

Now, answering your question, I guess the only thing I can tell you is this: when something happens a lot, we get used to it, forcefully. That's what happened to me, and to be honest, I simply started not to care about what other people thought about me. You can ask me now: "Well, doesn't it still hurt?". Yes, it does hurt, but the idea is not only ignoring what people say, but also trying to find things that will help you cope with it. Setting goals helps a lot, like I've said before, because you only focus your mind on those goals, and then there are other small things like listening to music, taking care of a pet, you know, stuff like that that makes us cherish every moment we're given.

I don't know if this whole thing helps, but just... hang in there. It'll get better, be patient, focus on yourself, take care of yourself, basically, and don't give a damn about other people, they don't deserve you.

[Alex_3869]

First off, your English is pretty much perfect for it not being your first language. Second. Welcome to VT. I, like you, am gay and that has really changed the way I think about things and receive criticism from people. I get called mean names on a regular basis and I know what you are going through. Before this year I never used to be outgoing. I'm not popular by any means but at least I have broken my habit of avoiding every social situation I can.

But it's still very hard. I get anxiety attacks over the stupidest things. Especially when I am alone and I'm walking by a group of people who are talking about me. But then I try and think about all of the good things about myself, and that helps a little.

My advice is to build a sort of cushion of friends who will support you no matter what. And I know this is hard, I didn't think that my best friend would be my best friend until like a few weeks ago. But try to find someone with common interests. I believe there is a very detailed thread stickied in the friends and family's section that details how to make friends.

Whenever people are saying crappy stuff about you just try and ignore them and focus on the people who are supportive and love you instead of those who are trying to bring you down. And also, it doesn't matter what all these people in high school think about you, because it is unlikely that you will ever see them after that. Oh and remember that it seems like you don't have many people but we are here, and you can always talk to us :). Hope this helps.

It's amazing the amount of people here who have the same issues. It definitely means we're not alone, and that's good.

I know your question is how you can stop caring about what others say, but let me just tell you something. No matter what you do, I guess people will still pick on you, because they're stupid, as simple as that. You also asked "What can I do to change myself?". You don't need to do anything, because you're perfectly fine. The way you dress, the way you think, the way you act, your points of view, the way you described yourself as a kind and caring person, you're just unique, and you need to be yourself in order to feel happy with yourself. Don't change only because others want you to change.

The problems you're going through are just a phase, something temporary, believe me. I've already been there and I know what I'm talking about. You said you had no friends, no one you can trust, you're feeling depressed and unmotivated, but that's going to change. Just think of it this way: set goals for yourself, set objectives, and no matter what, work in order to achieve them. You're in high school now, right? You probably want to continue your studies, but even if you don't want to, set a career path and work hard to achieve it, because your future will be better, better than this phase you're going through at them moment.

About your social anxiety, I think that will also change with time. We tend to isolate ourselves from other people when all that we hear are insults and rude names, and that's normal, but as soon as you change your social environment (different school, different work place, different university), you'll notice that you have one more chance to socialise with people again. If it works, fine. If it doesn't, you'll have other opportunities.

Now, answering your question, I guess the only thing I can tell you is this: when something happens a lot, we get used to it, forcefully. That's what happened to me, and to be honest, I simply started not to care about what other people thought about me. You can ask me now: "Well, doesn't it still hurt?". Yes, it does hurt, but the idea is not only ignoring what people say, but also trying to find things that will help you cope with it. Setting goals helps a lot, like I've said before, because you only focus your mind on those goals, and then there are other small things like listening to music, taking care of a pet, you know, stuff like that that makes us cherish every moment we're given.

I don't know if this whole thing helps, but just... hang in there. It'll get better, be patient, focus on yourself, take care of yourself, basically, and don't give a damn about other people, they don't deserve you.

And this too. Probably better advice than I ever could have given.