I don't even know why I'm writing this. :\

[Karkat]

I guess I just need to vent. I've been trying to turn my life around so much, and I keep going from hot to cold, hot to cold- it's like I shouldn't even try. Why bother, if I'm just going to mess up again? People are going to start thinking I'm doing it for the attention, or not trying, or something, and it's not like that at all.

I just feel...Lost. I noticed that I was feeling really aggressive and upset, so I took my meds, and stepped away from my computer a while ago for a few minutes. That helped a little, but I just feel like such a loser. Basically.

My best friend deactivated his Facebook, Tumblr, and Skype last night, and I thought he killed himself. It really took its toll on me. I'm glad he's ok, but at the same time, he's not! He's ALIVE. Yeah, I can be thankful for that, but he's going through a LOT of problems with anxiety and depression, and I'm just now finding out about it. I feel like a terrible friend, like no one can turn to me if they need help. Even worse, I feel like I wouldn't know what to do if anyone did. Who am I to help out anyone else? I'm a bipolar, suicidal junkie. I can't even get my own act together for long enough to accomplish anything. I don't even go to anyone else when I need help, why should anyone come to me? Why should they trust me if I can't trust them? Why should they reach out to me if I can't reach out to them?

I feel so torn between two ways of living. They're both painful. They both hurt. The only difference is that one is damn selfish and gets me nowhere, and the other is almost worse in a way...

I feel like I'm too in my head. I think way too much about what others think of me, or what I should be doing, what's right, what's wrong, what everything means. Who I am. How to make myself better. Whether or not it's worth it to try and make myself better. What I'd want done with my lifeless corpse after I die. When will I die? Why will I die? Can you trust anyone? How can you know? Is my boyfriend going to turn into some wifebeater or psycho? What if he turns into a serial killer? What if he leaves me? What if I turn into a 'wifebeater' or a psycho or a serial killer? What then? What's stopping me? Why am I so paranoid? Am I some sort of psychotic freak?

My anxiety is getting the better of me again. My depression is rearing its ugly head. (No, mania, please come back, I will give anything fuck) My addictions are all mocking me. Poking at me with fat, ugly fingers, grabbing me by the throat, pushing my head in a tub of ice water and making me want to just collapse on the floor and SCREAM AT EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING. I'm feeling so aggressive, and I just want someone to stick a nice fat IV in my arm and drip valium into my system. It's so tempting to take half the benadryl in my purse like I did the other night when I gave in and had a couple of smokes. Just to feel numb. On the other hand, I feel numb. I feel tired. I feel absolutely bloody apathetic. Nothing's worth shit anymore. Living is so painful and boring in the same breath that I just want to take the fucking toaster out of the kitchen and jump in the tub with it. (Which would be one of the few methods of suicide I haven't tried...)

I look back on December, think back on when Aya killed herself. I never even knew who she was until everyone I was following on Tumblr was talking about her, but it was...Horrific. To think that someone who was loved and adored, who was a place in a community that needed her, someone people cared about was gone. And what, I was still here? Why? What a fucking cruel twist of fate that I decide to play Russian roulette with my life on the same day she did, and I won. I felt like there was something good that had to have come out of it, but I just don't know. I feel like there are people that need me, but I feel like they could all do so much better, like I shoved my way into their lives and prevented them from better opportunities. I feel like it's some sick joke that I lived, and every other child my mom conceived died. Why? Why?? Why on earth did the universe decide to cut off all of these other potential lives from being lived, and let me carry on my pathetic little existence?

I mean, on the one hand, I have certain things that I want to do. That might 'make me feel better', and I should just unplug and try them. I could make some chai. Or I could eat a popsicle. I could go to sleep, for Pete's sake. But I'm petrified. My mind is moving a million times faster than I can keep up with, and I can't get the strength to detach myself from the computer, and forget all of this. I feel kind of vulnerable putting this all out there, but I don't care, I'm so sick and tired of keeping it inside.

Anyways, I hope this weekend starts to get better really soon. Because it's already started off wonderful.

[Horatio Nelson]

This hurts to read.

I feel like such an ignorant asshole when people talk about addictions and problems. My life is so good and sometimes I forget how good I really have it. I wish there was something I could say to help you feel better, but I hate to be cliché. So all I'm going to say is....nothing.



Maybe an emoticon hug will help? :hug:

[Karkat]

This hurts to read.

I feel like such an ignorant asshole when people talk about addictions and problems. My life is so good and sometimes I forget how good I really have it. I wish there was something I could say to help you feel better, but I hate to be cliché. So all I'm going to say is....nothing.



Maybe an emoticon hug will help? :hug:

D'aw, that's the thing though- we can all get bombarded by someone's experiences and go "Wow, I don't have shit to complain about". Sure, someone else out there really DOES have it worse- but at the same time, someone always will. And someone will have it worse than them. And so on.

You don't have to discount your own problems just because someone else is suffering. Sympathy and empathy are good, admirable qualities to have, but when you start to feel ashamed of your own feelings? It doesn't help anyone. You don't deserve to feel like your problems are meaningless, no one's are. :)

Hah, to be honest, just the fact that you went through the effort of reading this and trying to figure out a response helps. Thanks. :hug:

[DiamondsGirl]

I'm a sucker for stuffs like this. I don't know you personally, but do let me say something.

I know this is probably not what you want to hear right now, but seriously... fuck! Who cares who you are? You can be a clown, a barista at Starbucks, a loser, a winner, a murderer, a descendant of Mother Teresa... who cares? What matters most is you're helping people and that's good. You're not a fairy godmother. You can't take a magic wand, wave it in the air and heal everyone that came to you for help. The most important thing is you're there. You exist. You exist for people to come and talk to. Do you know how many people beat me up with a stick (figuratively...) when I try to talk to them? Do you know how many people shoved me away? Do you know how rare people like you are?

In this limited time of our virtual encounter, I can already infer that you're an intelligent, good-hearted, caring, mature, super strong kind of person. You're one of a kind. Sometimes life might throw stuffs to your face, making you believe you shouldn't exist, but hey... we've all been there at least once. IF people like you are not worthy of existence, then I don't know what half of the entire population of my school deserves.

I know this is probably just a random rant from you, but yeah I can't walk away from threads like this. Sorry for bombarding you with positive messages... sometimes it only acts as some annoying restraint that kept us locked in this world of idiots, isn't it?

[Karkat]

I'm a sucker for stuffs like this. I don't know you personally, but do let me say something.

I know this is probably not what you want to hear right now, but seriously... fuck! Who cares who you are? You can be a clown, a barista at Starbucks, a loser, a winner, a murderer, a descendant of Mother Teresa... who cares? What matters most is you're helping people and that's good. You're not a fairy godmother. You can't take a magic wand, wave it in the air and heal everyone that came to you for help. The most important thing is you're there. You exist. You exist for people to come and talk to. Do you know how many people beat me up with a stick (figuratively...) when I try to talk to them? Do you know how many people shoved me away? Do you know how rare people like you are?

In this limited time of our virtual encounter, I can already infer that you're an intelligent, good-hearted, caring, mature, super strong kind of person. You're one of a kind. Sometimes life might throw stuffs to your face, making you believe you shouldn't exist, but hey... we've all been there at least once. IF people like you are not worthy of existence, then I don't know what half of the entire population of my school deserves.

I know this is probably just a random rant from you, but yeah I can't walk away from threads like this. Sorry for bombarding you with positive messages... sometimes it only acts as some annoying restraint that kept us locked in this world of idiots, isn't it?

(Disclaimer: I am not good at receiving compliments so uh :P)

I guess I never thought of it that way: that there are people out there that aren't willing to listen. People tend to call me a bleeding heart, so I guess sometimes I even take my own...Reactions for granted. I don't know if that makes sense.

No, you're absolutely fine, I can't figure out what the heck you're apologizing for, ha

I'll admit that I'm having a hard time processing all the sudden positivity, but thanks. A lot. :) I'm already feeling a ton better, truth be told. I think I just needed to get it out there.