Advice for a friend

[CheekyLinda]

Hi, this is the first time I've ever posted outside the Puberty forums, but I need advice on what advice to give to a friend. She's been dating boys for 3 years now, she says she has always had a "fondness" for cute girls (she says she always brushed it away as just "appreciation" for cuteness) but she never took it seriously until last year, when she started considering her attraction to girls as something more. At that point she started identifying herself as bisexual, because she felt that , while she was physically and sexually attracted to girls, she thought she had emotional attraction only for boys. That changed when, last October, she met a lesbian girl with whom she clicked immediately, and she started to develop a crush on that girl; all while being in a steady relationship with a guy. She forced herself to forget her feelings for this girl for her boyfriend's sake, but since then she has started to realize she does have a complete attraction towards girls, and practically none towards boys in general. She had a thinking session where she determined that she really didn't feel any sort of strong attraction towards any of the previous boys she dated, but she says the relationship with her current bf is perfect, she feels really safe and comfortable with him, so she can't see how she could be mistaken with this one. The problem is that she admits she feels no physical/sexual attraction for him, while she feels sexually attracted and aroused to girls she has seen. She says she's pretty much convinced that she's a lesbian, but she doesn't want to be one because (I think) she doesn't want to leave her boyfriend. But she worries that she'll never feel sexual attraction to him, or feel any real wish to have sex with him, and that won't be fair to him. She says she matured slowly in that respect, because previously she didn't have any desire to engage in any partnered sexual activity, so she considered her lack of wish to have sex with her boyfriend to be because of that. She says she briefly considered being asexual, but she ended up brushing those thoughts away because she is actually capable of sexual arousal, and has a healthy masturbation habit (in fact, she once admitted to me that it's a little bit more than healthy lol). But in the past year, her sexual urges for other people have started to show themselves...... towards girls. She desperately doesn't want to identify herself as fully lesbian, she's actually kind of terrified about it and is clinging to the idea that she's bi but, judging by what she says and how she acts, she's 95% convinced she's one. I've told her that she should just give in to her natural urges and accept herself as a lesbian; but I'm worried that my judgement might be clouded by the fact that I'm a lesbian myself. I don't know what to tell her anymore; I need advice from straight, bi and gay people alike. Should she accept herself as a full lesbian, or stick to her boyfriend? :confused:

Sorry for the tl;dr...... it's THIS complicated o.O

[Bmble_B]

I would say to tell her to just do whatever makes her happy. Isn't that all that matters in the end? I know how she feels (considering that fact that Im gay myself) she doesnt want to be considered a full lesbian, but bisexual she perfers. Right now, I'd say she's just in denial, clinging to the bi sexual label. You know what? Forget that word label, nobody neccesarily has to label themselves, some just perfer to do so, just so they can know what they're overall attracted to. Tell her that she doesnt have to pressure herself into labeling, just enjoy what you're attracted to now, because you never know, her orientation can change at any moment.

[JamesSuperBoy]

I can understand you wishing to help a friend - but do you have to tell her anything -
Maybe she just has to get her own feelings sorted.

[ChrisTJ]

I don't know how old this girl is but it's quite possible that she's just going through quite a common teenage phase of questioning her sexuality. Many people go through phases with their sexuality where they thought they were straight but become bi or thought they were gay then fall for someone of the opposite sex. This is perfectly normal for someone her age and her thoughts and feelings will even out in time. Tell her for the moment to just go with whatever feels right for her in her heart. If she's happy with her boyfriend and feels safe int he relationship then I see no reason for her to leave that relationship at the moment. However I can see why her feelings towards girls might be presenting itself as a problem. She just needs to have some more of these there thinking sessions in the coming months.